NewsBlog 5000

Editor’s Note: Save the children from high prices

2007-08-12T22:53:00.000-05:00

On Friday’s “Hardball,” CNBC’s Erin Burnett spoke on the advantages of giving lead paint to kids.

“If China were to revalue it’s currency or China is to start making say, toys that don’t have lead in them or food that isn’t poisonous, their costs of production are going to go up and that means prices at Wal-Mart here in the United States are going to go up too. So, I would say China is our greatest friend right now, they’re keeping prices low and they’re keeping the prices for mortgages low, too.”

I feel that Erin is a kindred spirit. As a child, all my toys had lead paint, and I sucked all the paint off every one of those suckers, and as everyone knows, if there’s one thing I enjoy, it is low prices at the expense of others. Let’s not forget, the deluge of crappy and deadly products from China don’t just help the moderately rich. It also helps the Walton family.

For some reason, this reminds me of the time my grandmother died from poison toothpaste. Good times. Good times.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Nine of Ten say no to Text Driving

2007-08-08T09:38:00.001-05:00

(SNN New Brunswick) Nine out of ten Americans believe sending text messages while driving is as dangerous as driving after having a couple of drinks.

The tenth person surveyed was Arlo P. Hasenpfeffer IV. In addition to allowing texing on the highway, Arlo believes in arming felons, putting corn syrup in the drinking water, and banning dentistry. In 2004, Arlo voted for President Bush because he wanted to “Punish the World.”

The state of Washington in May passed the first ban in the United States on texting while driving and at least six other states including New York, California and Florida are considering similar legislation, Pinger said in a statement releasing the survey results.

Hal Turner, a spokesman for the Texters for a free America, a libertarian rights organization also said, “You can have my blackberry when you pull it from my cold dead hands, literally.”

A Pubic Service Announcement

2007-07-23T13:24:00.001-05:00

Surgeon General Candidate has Rectal Knowledge

2007-07-18T18:03:00.001-05:00

(SNN Washington) President Bush’s nominee for Surgeon General, James Holsinger took fire over a paper written in 1991 for the United Methodist Church.

The paper was called the “Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality.” One piece of evidence used by the paper was the fact that the anus is not self-lubricating. It is surprising a White House nominee understands the minutia of his appointed position in such great, scientific detail. Holsinger also pointed out that pipe fittings came in male and female variety, showing his versatility and suitability to also handle the coveted post of Secretary of Drains and Fixtures.

Other papers written by Holsinger suggests he believes stem cell research will lead to gigantic killer half-human half-jackrabit mutants, teenagers can be talked into not having sex, and abortion clinics will one day be struck down by the fist of an angered god.

It will most likely be revealed that Holsinger snorts massive amounts of crank while sodomizing young, male prostitutes with a crucifix. Most likely this revelation will come a few days after he is confirmed.

Missouri Governor Signs Bill

2007-07-12T07:28:00.001-05:00

(SNN Jefferson City) Friday, Gov. Matt Blunt signed legislation classifying abortion clinics as surgical centers.

This is a brave piece of legislation for a Republican Governor. By passing this legislation, Blunt is saying that his administration approves of industries are regulated by government. The bill also bans abortion-providing agencies from providing free sex education materials in Missouri schools, on the presumption that they will give incorrect information in the hopes of drumming up business.

However, not everyone is happy with this brave new direction. “Essentially, what Governor Blunt and the legislature are doing is saying that teens need to be protected from information, not from sexually transmitted infections or unintended pregnancies,” said Peter Brownlie, chief executive officer of Planned Parenthood of Kansas and Mid-Missouri. However, Mr. Brownlie is forgetting two important clichés. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts.

Planned Parenthood said the law could prompt renovations costing as much as $2 million at its Columbia clinic, which performs 600 to 700 abortions a year. A Kansas City office, which offers only abortions induced by medication, would probably quit doing so to avoid renovation costs.

To show his voters that he had their best interests at heart, Blunt signed the bill in a Baptist church. To the joy on onlookers, he managed to sign his name to the bill with eighty percent accuracy.

This new law puts Missouri back in the running for the coveted “Most Embarrassing State” award. Nevertheless, it likely will take something even more backwards to knock Mississippi out of the number one slot. Perhaps if Matt Blunt actually ran the state government from a Baptist church, wore bibbers, and spat tobacco at his underlings, they could have a chance at the title.

Editor’s Note: Gupta is no Sicko

2007-07-10T07:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on CNN, Michael Moore accused Dr. Sanjay Gupta of being little more than a paid shill of the pharmaceutical industry. Wolf Blitzer contended that Dr. Gupta was a well-respected journalist and surgeon.

It is impossible that anyone would think Gupta is a paid shill. Due to my advanced weight, I spend a significant time in the doctor’s office. In that office is a kiosk paid for by a pharmaceutical company that plays snips of Sanjay Gupta followed by commercials on what drugs to take to fix the condition he has just explained. Gupta does not do the commercials himself; there is clear separation. While I don’t know this for a fact, I’m sure Gupta does this out of a sense of service to the community and takes no money from the pharmaceutical company.

What Moore fails to understand is that Gupta is also unimpeachable as a doctor because he is on CNN. That kind of face time is worth much more than a bunch of living patients. He was a neurosurgeon. Now, I’ve never poked around in a brain, but I have seen Hannibal. I’m pretty sure that anyone who could cut open someone’s head is capable of anything. However, Gupta was such a good neurosurgeon that he was bumped up to being a journalist. As a journalist myself, I can assure you anyone who calls themselves a journalist is at least ten times smarter than a neurosurgeon and the same goes for the President.

Moore then wasted Blitzer’s time by complaining that Blitzer didn’t do enough to inform the public about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Mr. Moore should get on board with that fact that we didn’t go to Iraq because they had Weapons of Mass Destruction, but because we needed to restore peace and order to the lives of the Iraqi people.

Moore and Blitzer should have discussed the successes of America’s medical system. The reason our system looks average is that they are looking at averages. There is no better country on earth at extending the life of those who can pay. Sure a few poor people might have to die so that rich person can life another year, but that is just capitalism at work.

Finally, I’d like to remind you that Moore is tremendously fat. He is the reason why there is so much strain on our health system. Yes, Moore personally. He just doesn’t want to use his millions to pay his doctor’s bills.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Bush Actions to aid Hamas

2007-07-05T20:16:00.001-05:00

All the Federales, they say They could have had him any day They only let him slip a-away Out of kindness I suppose

(SNN Washington) Mohammed Salah was convicted on a single obstruction of justice charge in February. He was allegedly supporting Hamas’s terror campaigns in the Middle East. Now with the help of President Bush, Salah is hoping for probation.

Because the crimes Libby was supposed to have covered up remain unproven, Bush explained that Libby’s sentence was “excessive.” By extension, a number of white collar criminals may want to take advantage of the Executive opinion.

"Clearly, every criminal defense lawyer who practices in the white collar arena is asking him or herself - why shouldn't my client have this same privilege?" observered White Collar Crime Prof Blog. This statement cause many observers to say, “Holy Shit! There’s a White Collar Crime Prof Blog? Is there anything that hasn’t been blogged about? Anything?”

While technically, Bush’s words do not make a legal precedent, many people have observed that Bush’s actions are petty, partisan and ill-informed, making them worthy of most district court judges appointed by Bush’s administration.

Bush Commutes Libby Sentence

2007-07-03T06:29:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Monday, President Bush eliminated the 2 ½ year prison penalty from I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s sentence.

Bush made the decision to commute the sentence just five hours after federal appeals panel ruled that Libby would have to serve out his prison sentence while waiting for an appeal, thus wasting their time.

Bush said “the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive.” This is keeping with Bush’s policies in Texas where he commuted dozens of death penalty cases because his is a sensitive Christian, unable to let anyone server too harsh a penalty. Excuse me, I was having an acid flashback just there.

Most of the reason the President commuted Libby’s sentence is simply stated: Libby lacks the mental abilities to be held culpable for his indiscretions. First, he is a grown man who calls himself “Scooter”, and let’s face it, the words, “Hi, they call me Scooter,” never got anyone any trim. Second, Scooter risked everything to protect Dick Cheney, a man who is arguably less popular than Hitler.

The last reason Bush commuted the sentence is more complex, and gives us an interesting insight into the President’s thinking process. The President himself has difficulty finishing sentences. To him, the idea of a sentence that lasted more than two years was unthinkable.

Congress Subpoenas White House

2007-06-30T07:32:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Democrats took the first steps Friday in what may end as a Constitutional showdown. In a letter to White House counsel Fred Fielding the Judicial Committees of the House and Senate have demanded an explanation on why the White House claimed Executive Privilege on subpoenaed documents.

The White House countered the request for actual information with an offer of private, off-the-record interviews. This would allow White House officials to sidestep potentially embarrassing topics and instead talk about things less damaging to the administration, like the weather and the importance of clearing every last piece of brush from a ranch.

This action is considered a courageous move by Democrats. The Vice President has often stated that anyone questioning the methods of the White House is allied with terrorists. He also condones the secret arrest and imprisonment of terrorist allies in foreign prisons. It is unlikely that John Conyers will find enough time to harass Bush and Cheney when he is being tortured in a third world prison.

Editor’s Note: John Edwards hates reading

2007-06-27T23:01:00.001-05:00

Presidential candidate John Edwards appeared on "Hardball" Host Chris Matthews asked if Edwards thought people should buy Coulter's books, he offered a curt "No."

This is typical of the liberal anti-educational agenda. Liberals like Edwards do not appreciate educated women like Ann Coulter exercising their constitutional right to free speech.

Some people argue that everything that Ann says is absolute crap. While that is technically accurate, in a democracy, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, whether or not their facts are factual or their opinions are anything other than batshit crazy is merely a technical detail.

In support of freedom of speech, I would suggest that the entire media ignore Edwards and the rest of us should burn his books.

Editor’s Note: A Message for Paris’s Pirate

2007-06-26T05:57:00.000-05:00

Arrgh Matey.

Remember that moment with the press the other day. You made your statement to Paris’s mother and she gave you that “What the fuck?” look and walked away. There is really no doubt that Paris will act in the same way if she ever sees you.

Let’s face the facts; if the army of lawyers employed by Paris’s family cannot get her out of that jail, faux-brigand foppery will not likely help the cause.

What you are doing is understandable. You didn’t get that part in Pirates of the Caribbean, and you could use the exposure. You’ve always wanted to bang a celebrity, and Paris seems an easy alternative. You’re seriously mentally ill and want to share.

What you have to understand is that even if you could get her released early, Paris would not take the time to glance in your direction, let alone shore up your foremast.

And Matey, if you persist in the plan, I recommend you dress your boom box as a parrot.

5000 Salutes: Radar Magazine Online

2007-06-21T21:17:00.000-05:00

In an article about Jerry Seinfeld, the Radar Online included what may be the best caption ever.

Exclusive Report - Street Overcome by Violence

2007-06-18T13:32:00.001-05:00

Correspondent Eddie Grant Reporting

Several Pieces of Shit found in Senate

2007-06-16T22:12:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) According to a Capitol Hill newspaper, police are unable to determine how "several large piles of actual, non-metaphorical 'No. 2' found their way into the Capitol."

On Wednesday, Capitol Police cordoned off the hallway of the third floor of the Senate side of the Capitol building. Even United States Senators were unable to avoid at least three large piles of adult human feces. It was also rumored that various seats in the gallery were defecationally challenged as well.

Originally, authorities believed that the perpetrator acted alone. However, the amount of material found has caused some conspiracy theorists to speculate that there may have been a second shitter. Also, due to the speed of the attack, some believe that the actual emission may have happened in a different area, such as a nearby grassy knoll.

It is not know if the action was politically motivated.

As a result of this assault on our nation's government, all visitors to federal building will now be rectally searched so authorities can determine if they are carrying feces.

Hat tip to Hill for drawing attention to this important story.

FBI has a lot of work to do

2007-06-14T07:01:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Big Daddy Kane once said “Pimpin ain’t easy”, Kane should try working for the FBI.

The terror watch list compiled by the FBI has grown to 500,000 names, or about the population of Wyoming. To watch these 500,000 possible terrorists, the FBI has 12,000 agents, 33 of which have “a limited proficiency in Arabic.”

The FBI is working on the problem. During fiscal 2005, 1600 agents took language classes. After the classes nearly 120 agents completed the agency’s Arabic proficiency test, although many of them scored a zero.

The problem is simple, any potential FBI agent who speaks Arabic, Urdu or Farsi is more than likely on the terror watch list. However, FBI officials claim that the knowledge of Arabic is not critical in the International Terrorism Operations Sections.

One source inside the FBI says that the language barrier is a problem of perception. “Learning languages is all about fads in the FBI. Polish is the popular language right now, so all you hear around the office is “Pragnę Cię” and “Jestem zamężna.” “Many agents even waste their time learning Spanish. Who speaks Spanish in the United States? Jestem w ciąży.”

Huckabee Hearts Guantanamo

2007-06-12T05:55:00.000-05:00

(SNN Peckerwood Lake) On CNN’s Late Edition, former Arkansas claimed that the treatment of Guantanamo prisoners was enviable.

When asked about former Sec. of State Colin Powell’s statement about closing Guantanamo, Huckabee said, ““most of our prisoners would love to be in a facility more like Guantanamo and less like the state prisons that people are in in the United States.”

When Blitzer pushed Huckabee, claiming that “detainees are being held, by and large, without charges, without any evidence,” Huckabee pointed out that the same thing could be said about the Texas state prison system. Huckabee then said, “if we let somebody out” they might “come and fly an airliner into one of our skyscrapers.” At this point in the interview, it is unclear whether the former governor was discussing Guantanamo detainees or Texans.

Huckabees concluded by saying “Booga booga, unless you support the President the bad men in your closet are going to get you.”

Bush greeting cock-up

2007-06-10T07:14:00.000-05:00

(SNN SMOM) US President George W Bush drew gasps at the Vatican on Saturday by referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "sir" instead of the expected "His Holiness", pool reporters said.

They could clearly hear the US leader say "Yes, sir" when the pope asked him if he was going to meet with officials of the lay Catholic Sant'Egidio community at the US embassy later during his visit.

A handful of pool reporters were on hand as Benedict greeted Bush at the door of his private library ahead of a private audience of about half an hour. During that half hour, the President referred to Pope Benedict XVI as “Sport”, “Padre”, “Fritz”, “Buddy”, and “Mr. Popey Pants”.

Pope attacks Pope

2007-06-06T20:09:00.000-05:00

(SNN Rome) A German man jumped a security barrier and grabbed Pope Benedict XVI’s popemobile before being swarmed by security guards Wednesday. The man was identified as a 27-year-old German who showed signs of “mental imbalance”, but the truth is stranger than that.

In 1944, things were not going well for Nazi Germany. Hitler commissioned his scientists to build a machine to send him into an alternate universe, one were he was winning the war. He planned to kill his counterpart and establish a one world Reich. The scientists, under the threat of death if they failed to produce results, managed to build a machine that could bridge the dimensional gap, but needed a human subject to test their device on. A soldier by the name of Joseph Ratzinger, recently removed from the infantry due to sickness was unwittingly recruited for the job.

While the Nazi machine was able to breach the dimensional gap, it became unstable when subjected to human DNA. Rather than send Ratzinger into an alternate dimension, it brought an alternate Ratzinger to ours. The alternate Ratzinger hops back and forth through time, never knowing when or where he will end up. His only hope is to somehow rejoin his self from this universe, who does not know of the Nazi experiment or his existence, so that they can jointly unleash the divine power of the Vatican and find his way home.

Bush Lowers Fees

2007-06-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Last week, President Bush allowed his picture to be taken for a mere $5000 donation, down from $25,000 during the 2004 campaign season.

Perhaps the new lower prices are just meant to show that Bush is indeed a man of the people, such a regular guy that he would shake your hand for a mere $5000. Some say these new lower prices could be the result of the free market. President Bush’s popularity has fallen to around 25%. It is hoped that new lower prices might increase the President’s popularity.

This price reduction is especially staggering considering that in June 2006, First Lady Laura Bush received $10,000 per photograph.

The price for a photo op with Dick Cheney remains unchanged at 1 rare steak, salted.

different

2007-06-03T07:57:00.001-05:00

Fifty years in Iraq

2007-06-01T08:23:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) White House Spokesman Tony Snow said President Bush would like to see a fifty-year troop presence in Iraq, similar to the role of the United States military in North Korea.

The United States has had thousands of U.S. troops in South Korea to provide stability, guard against North Korean invasion and bang hot Asian chicks for fifty years. These troops have been so successful that Seoul is now the second largest metropolitan area in the world. Also due to the work of these dedicated American soldiers, Korea is ten years ahead of the United States technologically, people are generally happier and a national weather control system prevents rain during outdoor weddings. Despite this, Koreans consume over 1.5 metric tons of Kimchi per year.

"The Korean model is one in which the United States provides a security presence, but you've had the development of a successful democracy in South Korea over a period of years, and, therefore, the United States is there as a force of stability," Snow told reporters.

Many analysts say that President Bush is correct. As long as there are US troops in Iraq, it if very unlikely that the North Koreans will push a large military force across Iraqi borders.

Editor’s Note: Al Gore is Fat

2007-05-26T09:13:00.000-05:00

These days there just doesn’t seem to be enough coverage on Al Gore’s weight. Last week, there were only 712 articles in the press about Gore’s weight.

It seems typical of the liberal press to start actually looking at Gore’s positions on Global Warming and his position as America’s leading statesman, instead of devoting all their time to making fun of his girth. This kind of liberal propaganda is typical of the mainstream media.

Sure Gore has the support of the scientific and international community for is work with global worming, but what about the effect on the environment caused by Gore. It is well documented that Gore travels the world on his quest to force factories to close, but he does not use a solar airplane, or one powered by a bicycle, which would be an excellent way for him to lose all that weight.

I also wonder about the more direct effects of Al Gore. As of the writing of this editorial, the effects of Gore’s methane emissions on the environment remain unmeasured. Until Gore replaces his digestive system with more environmentally friendly technologies, it will be impossible to take him seriously.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Secretary gets 8 Years in Prison

2007-05-23T19:53:00.000-05:00

(SNN Atlanta) A federal judge ignored a plea for mercy today by a secretary who tried to steal trade secrets from the Coca Cola Corporation.

Joya Williams and her co-defendant, Ibrahim Dimson, each received eight years in prison, ordered to pay $40,000 of restitution and were ordered to three years of supervision after their prison sentence. This sentence suggests that the Georgia prison system has nothing better to do.

Trade secrets of the Coca Cola Corporation include things like: how long it takes for a full grown adult human to dissolve in three gallons of Coca Cola Classic, where is Dr. Pepper buried and what happened the night the light went out in Georgia.

Steve Jobs kills at shareholders meeting

2007-05-15T21:38:00.000-05:00

Jobs practices the five point palm exploding heart technique

(SNN Silicon Valley) The performance of Steve Jobs at Apples annual meeting yesterday has been called “outrageous”. Jobs refused to answer a question of a board director and laughed at the idea of giving back stock received in exchange for backdated options.

Teamsters representative Noa Oren tried to ask William Campbell, Apple’s co-lead director and the head of its compensation committee, about Jobs’ pay. Jobs grabbed a katana ran across the table and chopped off Oren’s head. Then he stated “As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my compensation package or stock options as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!”

Apple directors Bill Campbell, chairman of Intuit; Arthur Levinson, CEO of Genentech; and Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google, who all attended the meeting, were unavailable for comment afterward and did not return calls later.

Editor’s Note: Obama vows to end tax cuts for the rich

2007-05-14T14:35:00.000-05:00

Barack Obama (who my spellcheck assures me should be named “Barracks Osama”) said yesterday that if elected president, he would seek to repeal President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and use the money for health care.

I don’t think Mr. Obama understands how bad off the rich would be without government assistance. Seriously, with gas expected to push over $4 this summer, the increase in the value of my Halliburton stock is going to barely fill the tank of my Hummer. Furthermore, I doubt Mr. Obama has priced quality top hats or monocles lately. With the madam scandal taking out some of the best professionals in the Washington D.C., some of my lobbyist friends have had to go as far as Baltimore to find quality sex at affordable prices.

An alternate plan by John Edwards to increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans would destroy the ability of the bottom 25% of the top 4% of the richest people from being able to buy and sell congress. Some may have to get by with only one yacht. This just goes to show how short sighted Mr. Edwards truly is. There’s more than one ocean.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Romney has limited imagination, is possibly gay.

2007-05-11T13:17:00.001-05:00

(SNN Washington) Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has called the practice of polygamy “awful”.

Romney’s own great-great grandfater hand forty-seven wives and 371 children. “I have a great-great grandfather. They were trying to build a generation out there in the desert and so he took additional wives as he was told to do. And I must admit, I can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy," he said.

In Truant Publishing’s Book of Awful things, there are 4207 things listed as being more awful than polygamy. The predecessors include such humorous things as being leg humped by a dog, to nuclear genocide. Number 2372 on the list is monogamy.

Romney, 60, who has previously called polygamy "bizarre," does not drink, smoke or swear, and should not be throwing out labels like “bizarre” It’s possible he also doesn’t like girls.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as the faith is formally known, distances itself from 30,000 to 60,000 breakaway Mormons in Utah and nearby states who practice polygamy illegally, as well as the many excommunicated Mormons in polygamous marriages who still identify with the faith.

Thirty to Sixth thousand? Seriously? There are that many Mormons?

Crying Eagle Popularity at all time low

2007-05-07T13:23:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Just after September 11, 2001, the Crying Eagle was often seen looking sadly at the downed towers of the World Trade Center, endorsing magnetic yellow ribbons or attacking the patriotism of war protestors. Recently however, things have not been good for the Crying Eagle.

Ironically, the Crying Eagle, or Bernie as his friends call him, posed for his famous photograph almost a year before September 2001, and he wasn’t even sad. “I was doing this photo shoot for a tire company,” Bernie relates. “It turns out I’m sensitive to that stuff they use to make the tires shiny. I was hoping the shoot would be my big break, but they ended up going with another eagle.”

Bernie was then cast as a companion to Keith Richards in Pirates of the Caribbean III, but he left the moving after a personality conflict. “I don’t really want to go into details,” Bernie told us. “Let’s just say that Keith still has a lot of issues to work through, and I wasn’t at a point where I could work with him.” Bernie went on to say that he would be happy to try working with Keith on another project, just not right now.

After the PotC III incident, Bernie has had to take jobs where he can find them. “I went to this dinner with John Ashcroft and he sang to me for fifteen minutes. It was really awkward.”

These days, the cruelty of Hollywood elitists have given Bernie something to really cry about. Movie and commercial deals have dried up and Bernie has been force to move back into the family home. “I guess I’m back to being sort of a carrion eater. But I just see this as a temporary setback. I just keep checking the phone and hoping that someday I will get another shot. Until then, I’m just going to try to keep my beak wet.”

5000 Salutes: Mr Breakfast

2007-05-05T05:08:00.000-05:00

Today, NewsBlog 5000 would like to showcase Mr. Breakfast's presidential campaign. While Mr. Breakfast is running for President, like many 3rd party candidates, he was not allowed to participate in the two party-centric debates.

As you can see, Mr. Breakfast has taken a stand on a very important issue. "I’m not insane." As far as we know, Mr. Breakfast is the first candidate to make promises about his sanity. A sane candidate would make a nice change after the current administration.

Dear Ryan,

I’m running for President of the United States… to promote the importance of breakfast. Hold on… I’m not insane.

At first look, my campaign might seem silly. But if you could take just 30 seconds to look at http://www.voteforbreakfast.com, I know you’ll see the Importance of Breakfast is an issue with a tremendous impact on the well-being of ALL Americans, especially our children.

It goes with out saying that any mention of the “Vote For Breakfast” campaign in your blog would be super greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much for your time.

Your friend,

Mr Breakfast (aka Eddy Chavey)

http://www.voteforbreakfast.com

Editor’s Note: The Digital Tea Party

2007-05-02T14:06:00.001-05:00

Last night on Digg, a website described as a social networking community, experienced what some are calling a “Digital Tea Party”. Users revolted after site administrators took down a bunch of letters and numbers somehow capable of copying an HDDVD.

I don’t know much about social networking or what the letters and numbers could be used for, but I do employ a stable of homeless people, who write disparaging thing about Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and sometimes John Edwards (Edwards is like the Y in the vowel sequence) and post them to sites like Digg.

Anyway, around midnight last night, my hobo companions alerted me to the trouble, and I immediately switched them to writing letters to GOP congressmen to change the age of consent for starring in pornographic films to sixteen. I have an option on the remasters of Traci Lords’s early work.

The result of this “Digital Tea Party” was interesting. The site owner backed down and allowed users to place the code. If I were in a similar situation, I would have followed the example of King George and bolstered the ranks of my site administrators with a team of German mercenaries. The soft drunken users of digg would have thought twice had they been staring down the barrel of a Hessian rifle.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Editor’s Note: Switch

2007-04-30T14:58:00.000-05:00

Several moderate members of the GOP have announced that they will change their vote on the war spending bill if the surge does not prove successful.

Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said, “If the president's new strategy does not demonstrate significant results by August, then Congress should consider all options — including a redefinition of our mission and a gradual but significant withdrawal of our troops next year.”

Senators want to see clear results, and this is great news for the president. Sen. John McCain has already announced the surge a success. All we have to do to show these Senators success is give them whatever McCain is drinking.

But what moderate Republicans and even Bush loyalists like McCain are missing is that results from something like a troops surge cannot really be realized for 3 to 6 years. At that time, if the surge is not working, then we should definitely throw President Obama out of office.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Kucinich to Push for Impeachment

2007-04-26T20:26:00.001-05:00

(SNN Washington) Tonight, at the Democratic primary debate, Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich announced plans to expand his impeachment plans.

In a bold move, Kucinich vowed during the debate to impeach everyone between him and the presidency. The candidate reportedly said, "I think there are millions of American people standing behind me, or at least they will be after I start putting dissidents in camps.”

Kucinich is unlikely to find much support for the measure on Capitol Hill, where the House must pass articles of impeachment by a simple majority before sending them to the Senate, where a two-thirds majority is required.

Criticized in the past for being weak and maybe a little gay, Kucinich has gained new confidence after obtaining a hot English wife. Kucinich said he believes it "is time someone in Congress stood up to do something for Dennis Kucinich.”

It's Florida, what do you expect?

2007-04-25T09:28:00.000-05:00

(SNN Orlando) Florida State Senator Gary Siplin has discovered a way to stop teens from showing their thongs in public. The senator has sponsored the “Pull Up Your Britches” bill, which would give students a mandatory 10 day suspension for showing their underwear.

Someone in Florida has to stand for morality, and if Siplin, who was convicted for paying his campaign staff with state money, does not do it, then who will?

This bill could mean the end of education for many young girls who can not afford pants that go all the way up.

While many Floridians are in favor of this bill, they tend to be slow and uneducated. As evidenced by their support of Sen. Gary Siplin’s “Pull Up Your Britches” bill.

Editor’s Note: Touched by a Crow

2007-04-23T13:24:00.001-05:00

Recently, Laurie David and Sheryl Crow shared a table with Karl Rove. During the dinner, Sheryl Crow put her hand on Karl’s arm. Karl responded, "Don't touch me."

Now, Karl is a dear friend of mine. On the 2004 campaign trail, I even put Karl up a few times. But I have to say it. Karl, Sheryl is not only highly hittable, but way out of your league. Your reluctance would lead someone to believe that you might have certain leanings, if you know what I mean.

From now on Karl, if you sleep over, I am going to keep my door locked. And Cheryl, if you are interested, call me.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Bowling continues to be an American classic

2007-04-20T15:24:00.001-05:00

Quality Reporting: Lauren Green of Fox News – Did the Devil Make him do it?

2007-04-19T13:21:00.000-05:00

Every once in awhile, we an NewsBlog 5000 find a piece of reporting so topical and so compelling that we ourselves do not think we can improve upon it. Today, we choose to honor Lauren Green and her Fox News Article, “Did the Devil Make Him Do It?” This unimpeachable piece of journalism is reproduced below.

When unexplained violence takes center stage, we tend to turn to modern psychology to explain it.

But there is an alternative explanation, one that has been played out in film, stage and writings since the beginning of history.

Was Cho Seung-Hui schizophrenic … psychotic … manic-depressive? Or were the shooting deaths of 32 people, including Cho himself, at Virginia Tech University part of the ongoing struggle between God and Satan … good against evil … lightness and darkness?

Could Cho have been possessed by the Devil? Could that explain the massacre at Virginia Tech?

Dr. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, shouts an unequivocal “Yes!”

“Based on what I’ve seen in the news," Roberts said in an interview, "there’s no doubt that this act was Satanic in origin."

Roberts added that he doesn’t know if it was Satanic “possession” or “oppression.” Possession, he said, occurs when Satan takes over a person’s life, and the person’s actions are dictated by demonic possession within. Roberts says he’s seen this type and has seen the Devil cast out of a person.

Satanic “oppression," on the other hand, is "that which comes against." "It’s not in a person, but is coming against them, trying to put evil thoughts in their minds,” Roberts said.

He said that the evil thoughts in Satanic oppression can be fairly innocuous, or they can be harmful. And the oppression can be in the form of fear, depression or discouragement, he said, because “Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy.”

Roberts says we’ll never know whether Cho was "possessed" or "oppressed," because the killer has died. But he did leave a note blasting everyone around him, calling them “rich kids,” and “deceitful charlatans,” and then blaming them, saying “you made me do this.”

Roberts describes Cho's writings as “just words,” and says words are one of Satan’s tools to bring about Man’s destruction.

In Judaism, however, there is no belief in a supernatural evil and no belief that demon possession is at the heart of what happened in Blacksburg on Monday.

Rabbi Peter Rubenstein from New York’s Central Synagogue, says, “… Every human has two inclinations, one to do evil and one to do good…. Our hope is the individual tries to access the inclination to do good. There is a balance." But, he said, evil is done "when we enter that other side.”

Rubenstein is convinced that Cho, who reportedly was taking anti-depressants, may have been sick.

"Every human being has the ability to control that kind of rage," Rubenstein said. "This is a person that lost contact with anything decent in their lives, including their own inclination to do good.”

It’s not only theologians who talk of evil. A new book by psychologist Philip Zimbardo, “The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil,” offers a perspective that may shed light on Cho’s inner demons.

"The Lucifer Effect" is based on the Stanford Prison Experiment of 33 years ago. It exposed how the prison environment creates evil and violent behavior, like at Abu Ghraib. It also explained the group or systemic evil that occurred under Hitler, communist regimes and during the genocide in Rwanda.

Zimbardo says there are prisons that are not confined to a place or building — emotional prisons of “normal” individuals that can create aberrant and evil behavior. Whether that prison is shyness, loneliness, anger or hate, it can grow and manipulate an individual into believing his only course of action is to break out, using any means possible, including violence.

In the case of Cho, he said, the “rich kids,” the “deceitful charlatans" and the women who rejected him may have been people he saw as his “jailers,” the wardens responsible for his emotional incarceration. Cho vilified them, found them guilty of great offenses and then methodically executed his warped sense of justice: the murders of 32 people.

Atheists don’t believe in the Devil or demonic possession, but there is some respect for the theological idea of evil. Michael Shermer, editor of the Skeptics Magazine, acknowledges Christianity’s take on Satan has a great deal of weight to it. “Religion figured out long before science the pervasiveness of man’s 'vil'side, that’s why they created so many rules," he said.

Shermer, of course, doesn’t believe in anything like demon possession. And surprisingly, he has an unlikely man who almost agrees with him: Rev. Robert H. Schuller, founding pastor of the Crystal Cathedral, who says he’s “not prepared to give the Devil credit for insanity.”

In addition to his theological accolades, Schuller has a background in psychology. He says of Cho: “I think it’s pure psychotic crack-up.

“I’m not denying that Satan himself could have been in this act. I’m just saying if he was, I’m not giving him credit for it.”

But the scenario of demonic possession fits neatly in the Christian paradigm. It says the whole of human existence is predicated on the narrative of man’s fall from Grace in the Garden of Eden, after Satan’s temptation of Adam and Eve, and that wherever there is good, there is Satan trying to destroy it.

The battle of good vs. evil in all of us is not a simple choice between two forks in a road, but a cosmic war being waged over our souls.

Says Dr. Richard Lints of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary: “The lesson, I think, is that when we don’t take our own evil seriously, we are much more liable to perpetrate acts of evil.” .

Enraged Bollywood Fans call for death of Richard Gere

2007-04-17T10:19:00.001-05:00

(SNN New Delhi) Richard Gere’s repeated kisses of Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty sparked protests in India.

Wishing to calm tensions, local television stations played Gere’s embraces repeatedly. Groups burned and kicked effigies of Gere in protest across India. This goes to show how different culture is in India vs. the United States, where George Clooney is more likely to be burned in effigy.

The embraces prompted some people to call for the actors’ deaths, claiming that Gere’s actions were an outrage against Shetty’s modesty. Shetty was the winner of the "Celebrity Big Brother" reality TV show in Britain this year.

Ironically, Gere had protected Shetty’s modesty earlier backstage when he abided by her request “not in the butt.”

US Calls for Hybrid Force

2007-04-16T06:59:00.000-05:00

(SNN Khartoum) The United States urged Sudan to accept U.N. troops as part of a hybrid peacekeeping force for Darfur. However, the program has some detractors.

U.S. Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte told a news conference a hybrid force made up of African and U.N. troops was critical to peace in Darfur. "We must move quickly to a larger hybrid United Nations-African Union peacekeeping force with a single unified chain of command that conforms to U.N. standards and practices."

However, detractors to the plan say that hybrid vehicles will do little good in Darfur. There are few paved roads where peacekeeping forces will have to go, and many complain that larger hybrid vehicles save little fuel.

Plans have not yet been released to the press, but the force will be anywhere between 3,000 and 20,000 troops, all driving Ford Escape SUV Hybrids.

Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

2007-04-11T23:22:00.000-05:00

Man starts second blog about his cat

2007-04-11T08:58:00.001-05:00

(SNN Champlain) Does Illinois cat, Mr. Fitzie rate two blogs? His owner and Executive Producer, Henry Rockfeller says, “Yes!”

Henry J Rockfeller, Jr. started his popular blog, “Mr Fitzie’s Thoughts”, in December of 2004. Not only had the blog been successful, but now, Rockfeller says it’s time to expand.

“I’ve always enjoyed writing down Mr. Fitzie’s thought and observations on life, but lately, I’ve thought that it’s time for Fitzie to use his celebrity for more important things. This caused a bit of confusion for readers who were more focused on mousing, drinking from the toilet and spraying oriental rugs. ”

The new site, Mr. Fitzie’s week in review will present the cat’s feeling about hard hitting news issues, such as the War on Terror and Guest Worker programs. Rockfeller says he is enthusiastic about where this could take Mr. Fitzie.

“Fitzie’s a Libertarian at heart, even though he voted for President Bush in the last two elections. Now he’s re-examining his decisions and beliefs. It should make for compelling reading. “

However, some cat enthusiasts say that Rockfeller has been putting words in Mr. Fitzie’s mouth. “I don’t think the real Mr. Fitzie cares about John McCain’s trip to Iraq,” says longtime reader Marge Blatasts. “Seriously, Mr. Fitizie drinks out of the toilet. Should we listen to his opinion on body armor?” says reader and inmate Fred Hersh.

Mr. Fitzie has recently caused controversy with his support of Don Imus.

Bush pushes to end immigration logjam

2007-04-10T06:53:00.000-05:00

(SNN Boston) Today’s Boston Globe features an article entitled “Bush pushes to end immigration logjam”. This is a compelling headline because it suggests the president is having anal sex with illegal aliens.

Anal sex with aliens is a long documented event. However, it is usually space aliens, and they are usually the ones doing the pushing. Usually, they do this to spread their alien seed, which is only effective when entering through the back door.

However, the suggestion that illegal aliens could procreate via anal sex is a new one, but may go far in explaining paranormal phenomena such as Alberto Gonzalez. While no one denies Gonzalez is a citizen of the United States, circumstantial evidence suggests that he may be descended from aliens. The only question that remains is: when Gonzalez serves at the pleasure of the President, is he the pitcher or the catcher.

Editor’s Note:
The editors of Newsblog 5000 would like to apologize to the entire world for that last article. Don’t bother writing in, we know, it was in poor taste and we are sorry. So, let’s discuss something less offensive. Hey, did you here that Apple sold 100 million iPods. That’s a whole lot of iPods.

Editor’s Note: Baking Soda, the silent killer

2007-04-06T12:56:00.001-05:00

I have been criticized in the past of not giving props, or kudos, to members of the Democratic Party. It is in this spirit that I would like to congratulate St. Louis Representative Talibdin El-Amin.

El-Amin has come up with an intriguing way to stop the proliferation of crack cocaine. He wants baking soda, a key crack ingredient, to be sold behind the pharmacy counter, like cold medicines which are used to make meth. Buyers of baking soda would have to give a picture ID and sign a book whenever making a purchase of the white powder, or “hammer”, as it is called on the streets.

Unfortunately, the liberals at the DEA are against it. "When you generate a list of people who use baking soda, it pretty much includes everyone. It's a common household item," Tom Murphy, a special agent with the St. Louis division of the Drug Enforcement Administration.

I would remind Tom Murphy that this country has been fighting a war on drugs for decades now, and due to the stewardship of the DEA, drug use is worse than ever. Maybe, it is time for the DEA to stop sampling their evidence and do their jobs.

I do not think we as Americans will truly be free until the purchase of every household item and food requires the use of a photo ID and cataloging. Except of course for guns and ammunition, they are guaranteed to us in the First Amendment.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Thompson kicks off presidential bid

2007-04-04T15:43:00.000-05:00

(SNN Milwaukee) Today Tommy Thompson officially kicked off his campaign for President. He has promised to bring “common sense” to conservatism. Thompson is best known for his threat to poison the U.S. food supply while he was secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

At the rally, Thompson laid out his plan for Iraq. Thompson called for an Iraqi government vote on whether U.S. troops should remain. He said Iraq should set up self-governing provinces to operate under the national government. And he said the country should split up oil profits three ways: one-third to the federal government, one-third to provincial governments and one-third to the populace, who he would then poison.

In the spirit of common sense, Thompson is expected to spend several million dollars and drop out of the race before the primaries.

McCain shows surge is working

2007-04-02T07:15:00.000-05:00

(SNN Baghdad) Sen. John McCain has claimed that the recent increase in troops is working. On March 23th, The Senator claimed to radio host Bill Bennett there “are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today.” Now he has proved it by walking through a neighborhood market.

Senator McCain’s walk also proves an important point: the troop surge was needed. When he walked through a Baghdad market, he was accompanied by 100 soldiers and five helicopters. Between these troops and the manpower necessary to support them, McCain’s walk alone utilized 2% of the 20,000 soldiers called up in the troop surge.

This may seem like more security than someone would need in a place they had deemed safe. However, this is typical of McCain. On a recent trip to Phoenix, AZ, McCain was accompanied by three hundred soldiers and twelve helicopters.

In other news, the Senator has announced plans to replace his famous “Straight Talk Express” bus with three M1 Abrams tanks. McCain claims this is just a standard security measure as Iowa farmers are known to have pitchforks, often covered in manure.

The Bush Monologue

2007-03-30T06:39:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) This week, President Bush performed a monologue for the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Annual Dinner. However, at some point during his preparation it is believed that the president became confused on what constituted a monologue.

Below is an excerpt of the president’s performance.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Brian. Laura and I are happy to be here. I'd like to thank the Radio and TV Correspondents Association for providing dinner tonight. And I'd like to thank Senator Webb for providing security. (Laughter and applause.)

I'm glad to see everybody here is enjoying themselves. Don't think I haven't noticed all the drinking that's been going on. (Laughter.) In my State of the Union address, I said we needed to increase the use of ethanol. (Laughter.)

Well, where should I start? I come from the "down there" generation. That is, those were the words-spoken rarely and in a hushed voice-that the women in my family used to refer to all female genitalia, internal or external (Stunned silence.)

It wasn't that they were ignorant of terms like vagina, labia, vulva, or clitoris...

Skippy Lives in a Car

2007-03-28T15:41:00.000-05:00

By James Skippenofsky

Excuse me, NewsBlog 5000 readers, for my long absence. I was making a salad and things got a little bit crazy.

Recently, I was reading a story about a college student who was cutting costs by living in his car, so this week for Skippy Does It, I decided to live in my car, a Sebring convertible. I vowed that I would do everything in my car: sleep, cook, bathe, change my clothes, brush my teeth and go to the bathroom.

It can be amazing the tradeoffs you must make between comfort and survival when you live in a sport coupe. My library pretty much had to be left behind. I also found out it is nearly impossible to get the cable company to do an install in the 38th spot in the first row of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Because of this, I left my TV behind as well.

Things went really well for the first week. I had definitely cut back on costs, and I thought that if I could just stick it out a few more months, I could have my credit cards paid off. But then disaster struck.

In the back seat, I was cooking some eggs on my camp stove, when I suddenly had to use the facilities. I got my jar and went to the front seat, where I had discretely used my jar before. I must have taken too long because the eggs caught on fire and touched off the soft top of the car.

Thinking that I needed to do something to put out the fire, I pushed the button to open the roof, and the roof accordioned down, smothering the fire. I was feeling pretty good about myself and I was just about to pull up my pants when the bus full of grade-schoolers drove by. That pretty much ended my social experiment.

Now that I’m back into a bigger space, I do realize that some people are not meant to live in cars. I feel better for trying the experiment, but unfortunately, my rent is going to be higher for the next year, as the local jail charges $45 dollars a day.

Gonzales aide refuses to testify

2007-03-27T14:53:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’s senior counselor refused to testify about her involvement in the firings of eight US attorneys, claiming her Fifth Amendment right.

Monica M. Goodling, on a leave of absence from the DOJ said she would "decline to answer any and all questions" about the firings because she faces “a perilous environment in which to testify.” One of Goodling's lawyers, John Dowd, said in a statement yesterday that "the potential for legal jeopardy for Ms. Goodling from even her most truthful and accurate testimony under these circumstances is very real."

House and Senate Democrats said they were disappointed that Goodling would not testify, and several raised questions about her motives. While it may seem like Goodling is an incompetent sycophant, putting her loyalty to a political party over the good of her country, that impression is incorrect.

What the Democrats do not understand is that Monica Goodling is a secret operative for the CIA, and outing her publicly would not only hurt intelligence gathering operations , but also the credibility of the Justice Department in its ability to deal with foreign countries.

Bondage Killer looks excessively creepy even for a guy who strangled a woman in a bondage video

2007-03-26T06:57:00.000-05:00

Obama may be black after all

2007-03-23T13:42:00.001-05:00

(SNN New York) Sen. Barack Obama was recently reunited with the closest of his childhood friends: a black man.

While it may not be significant that Obama has a black friend. His black friend, Keith Kakugawa, was just released from prison, has had drug problems and lives in a car. Mr. Obama declined to be interviewed about the conversation but said in an earlier interview that he recently became aware that Mr. Kakugawa had "serious issues."

Mr. Kakugawa claimed he had no idea that Sen. Obama was running for president until he saw him on television. "My father woke me up one Sunday morning and said, 'Barry's on TV!'"

Sadly, Kakugawa does not even own the car he lives in, but is borrowing it from a friend. It is parked just a few blocks from Skid Row.

Skid Row is an American Heavy Metal band. It is considered a forerunner to 1980s hair metal bands. Their hits include “18 and Life”, “Monkey Business” and “I Remember You”

Calvert DeForest 1921 - 2007

2007-03-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Editor’s Note: It’s the Arts

2007-03-21T12:32:00.001-05:00

This morning, I was so distraught over whether the House will issue subpoenas to Alberto Gonzales and Harriet Myers, two of the nation’s leading legal minds, that I let my driver actually drive me to work.

I have a television with an HD satellite in the back of my uparmored humvee, and I was moved by what I saw on A&E, the Arts and Entertainment channel. They were playing a rerun of my favorite television show “24”.

Now, I’ve never been a great fan of art. Most art is un-American and most of the artists who are American are gay. Now that has changed. It is impossible to even consider that a homosexual could work on “24”.

Now that I know that “24” can be considered art, I am planning to judge all art on how many people are killed and tortured. Take that Leonardo da Vinci.

I was so pleased with seeing the show, that I forced my driver to drive for an hour in a Southwesterly direction, to get the best dish reception.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Gonzales is F**cked

2007-03-20T10:34:00.000-05:00

(SNN Washington) While prominent Republicans had been standing behind Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, support for Gonzales now appears to be evaporating. Rumors are now circulating that the White House is now searching for a new Attorney General.

When asked if Gonzales would be staying on until the end of Bush’s term, White House Spokesman Tony Snow answered “We hope so.” This has widely been heralded as the most honest thing Snow has ever said.

"The sands have been shifting pretty dramatically," a Republican said. “This guy is f**cked,” said another Republican.

Many people stress the importance for the administration to find a well qualified appointee. Possible replacements discussed for Gonzalez have included Jack Abramoff, Oliver North, I Lewis “Scooter” Libby and Tony Snow.

John McCain may have AIDS

2007-03-19T00:21:00.000-05:00

(SNN Dubuque) John McCain was unable to answer questions by reporters, on the straight talk express, about preventing the transmission of AIDS. This suggests that John McCain does not know how to practice safe sex, which probably means he has aids.

When asked if he supported the distribution of taxpayer subsidized condoms in Africa to fight H.I.V., McCain mumbled quite a bit and stared at the ceiling. Then he said that he might know what his beliefs were. “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy,” the Senator said.

After more prompting, McCain let the bomb drop: “I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.” This is a worst case scenario for a candidate. With one statement, the candidate has proved beyond any conceivable doubt that he has no frigging clue what he is talking about.

We cannot hope to imagine who or what John McCain may be having sex with. The answer may be well beyond the abilities of most humans to even comprehend. There is one thing we do know. He does not know how not to catch AIDS from it.

Mastermind confessed in Guantanamo

2007-03-15T13:28:00.000-05:00

(SNN Prague) Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, suspected of being the mastermind behind the 9/11 terror attacks, confessed to developing a series of terrorism plans during a military hearing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

In all, Mohammed claimed responsibility for involvement in around thirty terror attacks, including many that were never executed. New agencies reported the number of attacks as 29, 30 or 32 depending on how quickly their interns skimmed the 26 page transcript of the hearing.

Not all onlookers are convinced that every operation confessed by Mohammed is genuine. Both Al Qaeda and the administration would gain a boost in popularity with the news of more terror attacks.

Some of the less believable plans in Mohammed’s confessions included stealing Prince’s name and replacing with a s symbol, blowing up an airplane with a shoe bomb, the assassination of a lion at the San Diego Zoo, painting white stripes down the backs of black cats and sex with Bea Arthur.

Pace taking shots from homosexual views

2007-03-14T07:00:00.001-05:00

(SNN Teaneck) On Monday, Chairmen of the Joint Chiefs, General Peter Pace, told the Chicago Tribune that while he supported the “don’t ask don’t tell policy”, he thought that “homosexual acts between individuals is immoral”.

"I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts," Pace said. "I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way."

Don’t ask don’t tell is a policy drafted by Colin Powell and approved during the Clinton administration. The policy attempted to offer gays and lesbians a position in the military. Basically what that means is that is someone of a superior rank asks a soldier a question like, “Are you tonguing my balls?” that soldier does not have to answer as it might give away his sexual orientation, and his mouth is too busy anyway.

In addition to his statements on morality, Pace gave indications that the vast resources of the military were already working on a way to fix the situation. For years, they have been working on an anti-homosexuality beam, or Gayzer. Upon entering the military, soldiers would be shot with the beam, which would make them fair skinned, blond, protestant and straight.

Editor’s Note: Why the Secret?

2007-03-13T11:18:00.001-05:00

In an attempt to determine whether they can be tried in front of a military commission, at least three terrorism suspects received secret hearings.

A combatant status review tribunal determines whether a detainee is an "enemy combatant." Once foreign detainees are so classified, they may be charged and tried before a military commission. As a citizen, I find this appalling. Why would we have to hold secret meetings for terrorists? Instead of coddling them with hearings and military courts, we should act like real Americans.

These “suspected” terrorists should have to compete for their life on reality television, complete with live executions. It would be a morale booster for the American people, like watching Jack Bauer kick ass on 24.

How about real survivor? We could put ten of them on an island and wait for them to go all “Lord of the Flies.”

Let’s make a deal: If you give up information on Osama, we’ll give you a jet ski. Otherwise you’ll have to settle for the water board.

How about a dating game: Terrorists answer questions and go on dates with a really hot girl. Whoever impresses the girl the most gets to go on a cruise that ends back at his cell in Guantanamo. The other two are shot.

My favorite show idea is called “The Terrorist Whisperer with Lindy England.” Viewers at home would quickly learn how to use a choke chain.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Desert Louvre unpopular in France

2007-03-12T01:39:00.000-05:00

(SNN Versailles) The Louvre museum has sold its name and agreed to lend the emirate of Dubai hundreds of treasures, on an island off the coast of Abu Dhabi.

French President Jacques Chirac described the deal as a way of bringing together what the “world considers a clash of civilizations” between Islam and the West. At $1.3 billion, it is the largest museum arrangement in French history.

Not everyone is happy with the situation. "Appalling!" declared Daniel Alcouffe, 68, an honorary curator of the Louvre who headed its decorative arts department for nearly two decades. He was then brutally murdered by an albino priest attempting to uncover the lost history of the descendents of Jesus Christ.

Fortunately, realizing that he had only a few minutes to live and that he must pass on his important secret, Alcouffe painted a pentacle on his stomach with his own blood, drewa circle with his blood, and dragged himself into the center of the circle, re-creating the position of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. He also left a code, a line of numbers, and two lines of text on the ground in invisible ink.

A police detective, Jerome Collet, called Robert Langdon, a professor of symbology, and asked him to come to the Louvre to try to interpret the scene. Langdon did not yet realize that he himself was suspected of the murder.

Assisted by a French cryptographer and government agent named Sophie, Langdon is challenged to decipher a chain of cryptic codes and puzzles. Unless Langdon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle in time, the secret - and a stunning historical truth - will be lost forever.

Democrats hesitant to pull out

2007-03-09T06:42:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) House Democrats vowed Thursday to pass legislation that would set a late 2008 deadline for withdrawal. The plan would hinge on removing funding from the Pentagon so that a troop presence of the current size would be impossible.

While a bill like this has a good chance of passing the House, with a large Democratic majority, in the Senate it would be unlikely to even come to a vote as Senators are traditionally more conservative on issues that could cost them their seat.

However, the White House does not support the plan. "It would unnecessarily handcuff our generals on the ground, and it's safe to say it's a nonstarter for the president," said White House spokesman Dan Bartlett. This is true: President Bush always listens to his generals. He fires them if they tell him something he doesn’t want to hear, but he’s never handcuffed one on the ground, probably because they would kick his ass in any hand-to-hand type situation.

At this point, the House Democrat plan seems to be drafting bills that cannot possibly pass in the Senate, which many see as wasting a lot of government time to make a statement. If they keep this up and are quiet on popular domestic issues, the Democrats could achieve a total withdrawal from the House by 2008.

Editor’s Note: Free Scooter Libby

2007-03-07T15:19:00.000-06:00

I’m still having trouble understanding how a man so close to the Vice President could be found guilty of anything. It is nothing but a malicious leftist witch hunt designed to weaken our president in a time of war.

Libby, being a close confidant to Dick Cheney is, of course, a man of unimpeachable character. But why were these charges brought against him? It was because of the liberals that the Justice Department and the CIA who want to undermine the administration.

But I hear you asking “Why would the CIA and Justice Department turn liberal and attack their bosses?” The answer is the same as the reason why Democrats want the death tax: Jealousy. Yes, it is nothing but the dark malicious class war that the competent poor have against people who earned their positions honestly through the purest of methods: Cronyism and Nepotism.

This is, or course, not the last witch hunt in Washington, but it is also not the first. So let us bow our heads in a moment of silence for those unfairly accused for purely political reasons: Clarence Thomas, Newt Gingrich, G. Gordon Liddy, Oliver North, Duke Cunningham, Jack Abramoff, Mark Foley, Tom Delay, Ralph Reed, and many more.

Hillary: I like women

2007-03-06T06:21:00.000-06:00

Colorado to make War on Drugs work

2007-03-05T10:52:00.000-06:00

(SNN Colorado Springs) Colorado farmers may soon have another cash crop in their fields: inmates.

In a pilot program, Department of Corrections inmates will be supplied to harvest crops in the southwest portion of the state. Inmates volunteering for the work will make 60 cents a day.

But Ari Zavaras, executive director of the Colorado Department of Corrections, said the merit of a hard day’s work outdoors was invaluable to an inmate. “They won’t be paid big bucks, but we’re hoping this will help our inmates pick up significant and valuable job skills,” said Zavaras. The list of things the Inmate can pick up from this program is long. The inmates can pick up things such as sweet corn, peppers, watermelons, onions and pumpkins

A group calling for changes in sentencing, the Colorado Criminal Justice Reform Coalition is positive about the change. “This feels like the re-invention of the plantation,” said Christie Donner, the group’s executive director. “You have a captive labor force essentially working for their room and board in order to benefit the employer. This isn’t a job training program. It’s an exploitative program.”

It makes a romantic image. Rich Colorado farmers sitting on the porch of their plantation in white suits sipping lemonade or perhaps mint julep. In the fields, prison guards stand over the inmates with whips, encouraging good time management, as well as other important job skills such as how to dress for an interview.

Shinzo Abe denies comfort women

2007-03-02T07:43:00.000-06:00

(SNN Yamaguchi Prefecture) Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe told reporters that there was no evidence of military coercion of up to 200,000 women sent to brothels. Members of Abe’s party have said that Japan should rescind apologies made in 1993.

Abe claimed there was “no evidence to prove” that comfort women had been coerced. Abe’s remarks contradicted documents found in 1992 which backed up accounts from soldiers and victims. The documents say that Japanese authorities set up brothels in response to rape sprees by Japanese soldiers.

Nationalist Japanese politicians claim that the women working at comfort stations were not coerced, but willing volunteers, taken from their homes at gunpoint, and forced to service dozens of men per day in exchange for room, board, beatings, disease, torture, and occasional mass murder. In addition they point out that Shinzo Abe services dozens of men per day: just as a hobby.

When asked outright if he really believed that no women were forced into sexual servitude during World War II, Abe answered, “War? I’ve seen no evidence of a war.” Asked if his statements might anger Korea or China, the Prime minister denied the existence of Korea and China. The Prime Minister then denied that he was giving an interview and demanded evidence to prove that he was not a chicken.

New York City bans popular slur

2007-03-01T08:55:00.000-06:00

(SNN Raleigh) New York City banned the use of the word “nigger” yesterday. It is the latest step in a campaign to take away the recent popularity of the racially charged word.

Once the domain of rap stars, the term is becoming more popular among young people. Surprisingly, regular use of one of the most reviled words in the language has upset some people.

Councilman Leroy Comrie, a sponsor of the moratorium, said the campaign against the word has gained strength since comedian Michael Richards spewed it in a racially charged tirade in Los Angeles. "The Michael Richards incident really brought it to another level. This dumb cracker has forced people to express their outrage. Many people had been seething quietly," Comrie said.

Some say that the ban was part of a bigger movement aimed at cleaning up New York so that the events of 1989 will never happen again. In 1989, the entire city of New York was undermined by a river of negatively charged slime. While the slime was ultimately defeated, it did lead to the rise of the evil Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf, and millions of dollars had to be spent returning the Statue of Liberty to Ellis Island. It is feared that at any time, the river of slime could flow again.

Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf was also known as “Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy”. He currently is working for Rudy Giuliani’s 2008 campaign.

Lesbian Koalas

2007-02-28T15:33:00.001-06:00

(SNN The Bush) Researchers now say that female koalas indulge in lesbian sex sessions when in captivity. But when they are in the wild, they remain heterosexual.

"Some females rejected the advances of males that were in their enclosures, only to become willing participants in homosexual encounters immediately after," say the researchers. "On several occasions more than one pair of females shared the same pole, and multiple females mounted each other simultaneously. At least one multiple encounter involved five female koalas."

It’s typical. You’re in some bar and you see two hot girls kissing, and so you buy them drinks, only to find out that they really weren’t pretending to be lesbians to get your attention, but they really are lesbians and they take your drinks anyway. Then you start talking to them anyway and find out that one of them is bi and you end up dating her a couple of times, and you think she really might be the one, but then she moves in with this middle aged woman named Tina. What does Tina have that I haven’t got? Huh? Answer me Sharon!

Insurgents Attack Cheney

2007-02-27T09:49:00.001-06:00

(SNN Kabul) A suicide bomber blew himself up outside the United States military base hosting Vice President Dick Cheney. The Taliban has taken responsibility for the incident; so has some guy in Cleveland.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the attack, saying that they chose the target based on Mr. Cheney’s presence. Some are saying that this newest incident once again shows that the Administration should not provide the Taliban with the location of high ranking officials. However, the Vice President himself has called this policy “a winning strategy.”

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Cheney recounted his experience. “I heard a loud boom. The Secret Service came in and told me there had been an attack on the main gate.” Mr. Cheney was moved “for a brief period of time” physically, but not emotionally.

Asked by reporters about his reaction to the Taliban claim of responsibility for the attack, Mr. Cheney said: “I’d say that if this is the best the Taliban can do, I am going to live forever… I think I’m having a heart attack.” The Vice President was the attended by the elite cadre of heart specialists that travel with him constantly.

Editor’s Note: Family Ties

2007-02-26T11:27:00.000-06:00

Recently we have heard revelations that members of Strom Thurmond’s family once owned members of the Reverend Al Sharpton’s family. Sharpton claimed to be shocked by the revelation, but it is hardly surprising. At one point, members of Strom Thurmond’s family actually owned over eighty percent of the African slaves in the United States.

This revelation got me interested in my own family history. And after extensive research, I can now honestly say that I am a Beetch.

Sir Alfred Ezekiel Beetch III was my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandfather. Beetch was at one time the most successful gentlemen’s shop owner in all of London. Wealthy young gentlemen would refer to shopping in London as “checking out the Beetchs’.” Beetch was also famous for dueling, challenging his detractors to duals with a slap of his gloves.

However, Beetch’s legacy did not live on, due to the cruelty of his two sons, Alfred IV and Stephen, who were best known for beating up children and serial rape. The entire line was ended as a result of the actions of the two dangerous sons of Beetch’s. Fortunately, I am not descended from either of them, but from Beetch’s daughter, Charity, who went on to marry Victorian industrialist Nimrod Coke Suker.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Ghazaliyah Quiet

2007-02-23T09:40:00.000-06:00

(SNN Tikrit) Northeast of Baghdad’s airport, Iraq’s sectarian violence has been at its worst. The area is policed by the Army’s first combat outpost, and the calvary company stationed there is used to gunfights and rocket propelled grenades. Now they are experiencing something even more frightening, silence.

“It’s kind of scary. It’s kind of scary,” says Sgt. Sergej Michaud, 24. The routine of his platoon was changed a few days ago when the combatants from the are simply disappeared. "At least twice, three times a day, every day," said Sgt. Jason McQueen, there were "straight-up gunfights all around you." But now, said 1st Lt. Jake Furda, 26, "the biggest question of everyone's mind is, 'where the hell are they?'"

Part of the explanation, said Capt. Erik Peterson, may be the Mahdi Army's paternity claim on Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. However, the Capt. Peterson admits that it could be worry over the mental health or Britney Spears. In either case he and his company are hoping to exploit the situation. "This is a great opportunity to drive a wedge between the militia and the general population."

On the streets of Ghazaliyah, Sgt. Michaud said, the Mahdi Army continued to "slowly, but surely," force Sunnis from their homes through other forms of intimidation. It is thought that they are doing this so that they can watch the Anna Nicole court cases on television.

Editor’s Note: Equality

2007-02-22T13:59:00.001-06:00

As a conservative man, I have to say that I am appalled by Anna Nicole Smith’s treatment in the news. The mainstream media will not even leave this story alone for long enough to prove how a Clinton Obama ticket would strengthen Al Quesadilla.

But even more than that, their coverage is sexist. All these accusations are being thrown around the media every day about the identity of the father of Anna Nicole’s baby, but has anyone ever asked who the mother might be. It’s as if they’re saying that only men can be promiscuous.

I think it is time to give Anna Nicole a maternity test to prove if the baby was really hers. This will have the added benefit of making sure that none of the possible fathers replaces the baby with a ringer, containing their DNA.

Once again I reiterate that I care not at all for the mainstream media’s treatment of Anna Nicole. They should have some respect for the dead. Also I would like to remind them that Senators Clinton and Obama are both living and therefore fair game. For that matter, I think we should give a paternity test to Barrack Obama. I don't think his father was really black.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Teens Rediscover Sports

2007-02-21T06:54:00.001-06:00

(SNN Detroit) While we have been hearing reports of lazy teenagers for years, two areas of excercise for American youth have actually been on the increase, Video Game and Sport Killing.

Video games would not be where anyone would expect to get their exercise, yet recent research at Liverpool John Moores University has shown that kids who regularly play Nintendo Wii games burn 40% more calories than kids who play other game systems or passively watch TV.

Criminologists call it ‘Sport Killing.’ But whatever you want to call it, the number of murders of homeless people by teenagers is the highest in a decade, according to stats by the National Coalition for the Homeless. While these attacks are brutal a senseless two things are certain, beating homeless people to death not only burns calories, it also manages to get teenagers out of the house.

The sad thing is that many parents think that their children are so lazy that they could never murder a homeless person. Take the words of Laura Simpson, whose son beat a 56 year old into a coma with a baseball bat. "It was just hard to comprehend. The first thing was, 'Not Justin. There has to be a mistake,'" Laura said. "You think you know everything that's going on and you don't."

Additional Information
CNN: Watch two teenagers beat a cowering homeless man with bats

Ballmer: Windows Vista Kinda Sucks

2007-02-19T13:41:00.000-06:00

(SNN Redmond) Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer today said that observers were “too Bullish” about the importance of Windows Vista to Microsoft’s Earnings. He called financial estimates based on Vista success “overly optimistic” and finally admitted that Vista “kinda sucks.”

According to Ballmer, “Some of the revenue forecasts I have seen for Windows Vista in fiscal 2008 are overly aggressive." In addition Ballmer said that Vista was so unremarkable that he was considering buying an iMac for his own personal use.

Ballmer’s remarks caused a 2.3 percent drop in the company’s stock price. To put this in perspective, this means that due to Ballmer’s comments, Bill Gates lost enough money to buy Guam.

However, not everyone believes Ballmer’s dire news. Take Steve Ballmer from three weeks ago, who said, “We think in the next three months we'll probably sell five times as many copies of Windows Vista as we ever did [Windows 95] in the equivalent period of time. ... We'll probably go double what we did with Windows XP.” Take that Steve Ballmer.

However, Steve Ballmer claims that Microsoft Revenue will still be strong due to corporate licensees who will be forced to pay for Vista whether they want to or not.

Jefferson to sit on security

2007-02-16T13:57:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA), who recently pled guilty to corruption in an ongoing investigation, has been appointed to the coveted Homeland Security Committee, the agency that oversees the Department of Homeland Security.

Jefferson had pled guilty to accepting bribes from a businessman who was rewarded contracts with African nations. Jefferson was caught with $90,000 in his freezer, earning him the nickname Dollar Bill Jefferson, which in Jefferson’s District of New Orleans is considered a mark of honor.

The Committee oversees the web of government agencies that are supposed to protect Americans from terrorists. This would indirectly put Jefferson on the oversight committee for the agency currently investigating him. Fortunately, the Department of Homeland Security is simply a bureaucratic money pit and has no real power.

This is considered the third worst mistake the Democrats have made since taking Congress. The worst was the appointment of Rep. Gray Fox to the United Nations International Commission on Hen Houses (UNICHH). The second, of course was when Rep. Dennis Kucinich was left in the Congress alone during a Holiday break and was force to fight off two robbers with his ingenious, yet annoying antics.

The appointment is expected to be announced today.

Kansas Welcomes Evolution to Curriculum

2007-02-14T18:35:00.000-06:00

(SNN Topeka) The Kansas Board of Education yesterday reversed science standards that were widely seen as a promotion of Intelligent Design over the teaching of evolution. The vote was 6-4 in favor of adopting new standards that scientists say will strengthen the teaching of evolution.

Kansas has long been a battleground between scientists and people who are not scientists about how science should be taught. Critics say that the new guidelines prevent the teaching of miracles and shamanism in the science classroom.

However, not everyone thinks that “scientists” should get the final word on what is “science”. John Calvert of the Intelligent Design Network in Shawnee Mission, Kansas, who helped write the standards that were thrown out said, "What they've done is systematically delete any information that might be critical of evolution. This goes against the very mission of public education." Calvert then went back to working on his new improved immortality rings.

Now that the science curriculum in Kansas has been updated, teachers can now look forward to teaching other modern ideas, such as the application of leeches to remove foul humors from the sick and the discussion of the theory that it would be possible to go around the world in 80 days.

Anna Nicole Sacrificed Self

2007-02-14T00:28:00.000-06:00

(SNN Miami) While many rumors are currently surrounding the death of pseudocelebrity Anna Nicole Smith, perhaps the most vicious involves her taking her own life.

Several reports by news agencies last week characterized Ms. Smith’s death as a probable suicide. However, SNN has gained exclusive information from an anonymous source reportedly close to the family, physically but not metaphorically.

The anonymous source claims that the potential yacht owner was so saddened by the disparaging remarks made about the diaper wearing astronauts of the United States that she took her own life rather than watch another day’s worth of news over Lisa Nowak’s diapers.

Smith reportedly did not just sacrifice herself out of empathy for astronauts, but also out of a need to stop hearing about adult diapers again and again and again.

It is not known if the reality actress had any feelings about NASA’s use of BB guns, pepper spray, knives or mallets. However, it is said that she was fond of rubber tubing.

Other adult diaper wearers: pilots, deep sea divers, people who compete in radio station drinking contests.

Smith was 39 and much shorter than the 141 inches of snow, which fell on Redfield, New York and must be removed from rooftops before the buildings collapse under the weight.

Editor’s Note: A funny thing happened on the way to North Korea

2007-02-13T07:27:00.000-06:00

It turns out that I overestimated the ire of our South Korean allies. I thought that that penetration into North Korea was going to be the more difficult of my objectives, so I never really worried about leaving South Korea. It turns out that they do not let random people cross the DMZ to kick some ass.

The conditions in a South Korean jail are harsh. The only news I could receive was CNN International. I tried to hold strong in the face of their liberal brain washing, but I have to admit that if I had to stay another week, I don’t know if I could have held out.

Thanks to the efforts of the US Embassy, I touched down at JFK at 7:30 yesterday evening. By 7:35, I was again watching Fox News.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

Editor’s Note: Over the Wall

2007-02-01T09:58:00.001-06:00

Faithful readers,

While I have failed to find Mr. Lee, I have obtained transport. Tonight, I travel to the belly of the beast. I will cross a militarized border into a country where my quarry is worshipped as a god. Unfortunately, due to some language and cultural confusion, I will go armed with only a sharpened stick.

But think not of me, faithful reader. Just think of America and our need to defend ourselves by attacking a country half way across the world. And Manhattan Liberals now-a-bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here.

While I try to remain optimistic, things do not look so good for your humble editor. If only I had Lucile, my uparmored Humvee with machine gun mount, with me.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000, signing out, perhaps for the final time.

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when,
But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day.

Can America afford a tone-deaf president?

2007-01-29T10:04:00.001-06:00

The American President is more and more a spokesperson for the country. If this is the case, can America really afford a President that cannot sing her way out of a paper bag?

Adrian Chevelle, Entertainment Editor

Editor’s Note: Far From Home

2007-01-25T10:34:00.001-06:00

Faithful readers, I am writing to you from an internet café in Seoul. I thought I would give you a run down on my activities to date.

I had hoped that, by this time, I would be making my way across the DMZ. Unfortunately, I seem to have come to South Korea unprepared. I thought it would be relatively easy for me to find my contact Lee, and I wrote down only minimal information about him. I was, quite frankly, unprepared for the number of men in Korea named Lee.

Earlier, this week, I thought I may have found a clue as to where my sympathetic arms merchant might be. However, it turned out that it was just a bar that was owned by an entire family of Lees. However, on the bright side, the Lees made a wonderful Buchimgae.

I will continue to try for the next few weeks to complete my mission and assassinate Kim Jung Il. However, if I am unable to obtain weapons and a safe path through the DMZ, I will be forced to return to the USA. Upon return, I hope to destroy another one of America’s greatest enemies: Hillary Clinton.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Editor’s Note: A New Road

2007-01-13T18:40:00.000-06:00

I started NewsBlog 5000 in 2004. George W. Bush had just been re-elected, we were staying the course and we had a fully funded staff. Now the thought of those three things seem to just leave the taste bitter ashes in my mouth.

With a heavy heart, I feel it necessary to shut down our online magazine, known as NewsBlog 5000. This is not the hopeful world which we had foreseen. Despite our persistence, the Neocon movement has fallen far short of the goal of total control in perpetuity.

And while I hear that we are going to be attacking Iran and Syria soon, what about the original Axis of Evil. Kim Jung Il still sits atop his golden throne in North Korea, and the greatest military force every assembled can do nothing about it.

Well, I say that it is time to fight back. I will not rest until the United States is in at War with every part of the Evil world. Tonight I leave for Seoul, South Korea. There I am to meet a man named Lee, who will supply me with a small cache of weapons and transport me to the DMZ.

If all goes well, by this time next month, I will be looting Kim Jung Il’s corpse for souvenirs.

Farewell, loyal readers. Hopefully you should hear from me in six to eight weeks. If not, then this is goodbye.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Robert Anton Wilson January 18, 1932 – January 11, 2007

2007-01-11T23:12:00.000-06:00

Bush will Veto Medicare reforms

2007-01-11T20:40:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) President Bush has promised that he would veto legislation requiring the government to negotiate for lower prices from drug companies under Medicare.

This woman is fucked.

A Democrat drafted bill in the House is up for debate today and tomorrow. The bill is a priority item for Democrats in the 100 hour legislative push.

However, the administration does not think forcing drug companies to bid or "compete" would help the Medicare system. "Government interference impedes competition, limits access to lifesaving drugs, reduces convenience for beneficiaries and ultimately increases costs to taxpayers, beneficiaries and all American citizens alike," the administration said in a written statement.

Democrats have said they would use the savings produced by the negotiations to reduce a coverage gap that is common in many plans. However, many Republicans say that they enjoyed screwing over seniors. "What we set out to do, we accomplished," said Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky., during a hearing Thursday about the drug benefit. "We had a success, a very big success."

A survey of seniors for the Kaiser Family Foundation showed that about 81 percent of seniors want to let the government use its buying power to negotiate drug prices, including 67 percent who said they strongly favor such negotiations.

5000 Salutes: Former Candidate Hackett

2007-01-10T20:34:00.000-06:00

I know you may have had to read that headline twice readers, but there are two reasons I love Liberal Paul Hackett. First of all, he dropped out of the congressional race against Jeanie Schmitt (who I have the biggest crush on). Secondly, he chases down people with assault rifles. Mr. Cheney would be proud.

Three men crashed into Hackett’s fence early in the morning. Hackett grabbed his loaded AR-15 and chased them down. He then made the lay on the ground until police arrived. Hackett said that he "took affirmative action to protect his wife and family from an unknown disturbance at his house."

According to police, Hackett had one in the chamber and another 28 rounds in the magazine. Furthermore, the police report said, “He said he had done this about 200 times in Iraq, but this time there was not a translation problem."

There is no doubt that the old guard Democrats that asked Hackett to step down from the race were terrified by his enormous balls. If men like Paul Hackett were in Congress, Ted Kennedy would no doubt be afraid to criticize our troops.

I’ll tell you what else liberals, he probably looks a hell of a lot better without his shirt than that Barrack Hussein Obama guy.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Editor’s Note: A tale of two photos

2007-01-09T17:21:00.000-06:00

There are two photographs circling in the media that really upset me. First is this picture of Barack Obama.

I’m sorry if this upset s anyone, but this is the last nail in the coffin. This is enough reason not to take him seriously as a candidate. Let’s not forget the influence the shirtless effect had to Ted Kennedy’s presidential campaign. Just remember in the future drunken murderer Ted Kennedy = Barack Obama.

The second photo is one of George W. Bush and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

While you cannot see the feet of the two men, it’s pretty easy to see that Bush is either much taller, or standing slightly in front of Abramoff. In addition, the President is staring off into space as if he has no idea that Abramoff is behind him, let alone where he is and that his picture is being taken. When you add that to the President’s well known dislike for having his picture taken with Jews, it is apparent that the two men are coincidentally standing near each other, not posing for a phototgraph.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

US to refurbish nuclear arsenal

2007-01-08T15:51:00.000-06:00

(SNN Toluca Lake) Today the Bush Administration is likely to announce a major step forward for the country’s nuclear arsenal, in a program estimated to cost $100 billion.

This comfortable office could be the home of America’s newest warheads.

Congress authorized exploratory research for the weapon three years ago and has financed it at relatively low levels since. But now the costs will begin to increase.

But what will $100 billion buy us? Well say goodbye to the old days of huge old missiles huddled in bunkers underground. Weapons of the future will sit in high-rise offices in some of the nicest property in the country, such as Austin and Chapel Hill.

Not only will these new weapons have a better address but also better surroundings. On Friday, Bryan Wilkes, a spokesman for the National Nuclear Security Administration of the Energy Department, said the government would not proceed with the Reliable Replacement Warhead "if we cannot find the proper materials and décor to foster a positive work environment.” But other officials in the administration, including Robert Joseph, the under secretary of state for arms control and international security, have said that the White House should make no commitment.

These new environments will be designed with the hope that warheads will feel relaxed and feel more inclined to express their creativity. In addition, the pentagon intends to spend a major amount of money to make the weapons feel secure. General James Cartwright, head of the Strategic Command, which controls the nation's nuclear arsenal, said, “If you are going to have these weapons, they should be safe, they should be able to be secured.”

Editor’s Note: A brief absence

2007-01-06T21:57:00.001-06:00

On Thursday, Nancy Pelosi took up the gavel as the First Speaker of the House. As I predicted in my weekly broadcast of The 5000 Club, her first act was to pass a House rule that would find Republicans in violation if I did not have sex with San Francisco homosexuals.

They arrived at my door around midday, and I have been servicing them ever since. That is why I have not been able to post for awhile. I don’t want mention any of the lurid details, but let’s just say that I am writing this post standing up.

Excuse me for a minute, faithful readers, my phone is ringing.

Ok, scratch that last part about the House rules. I just got off the phone with my Assistant Editor, James Skippenofsky, and Skippy tells me that there was no such rule passed. It seems the men violating me for the last three days were just part of an elaborate hoax.

So, to those homosexual gentlemen that so easily tricked me by playing against my deepest fears and then screwed me nearly to death, I have only one thing to say. My friend, Carl Rove, is looking for some guys like you to work in his office. Come by later… Better yet, just give me a call and I’ll give you the details.

Giuliani’s Presidential Bid Undermined

2007-01-03T22:14:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) Even before he formally entered the presidential race, the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani has suffered the leak of an extremely detailed campaign document. The document not only points out Giuliani’s strategy, but also his weaknesses.

Rudolf Giuliani desecrates the flag

The 140 page strategy document detail amongst other things Giuliani’s plans for raising the bulk of his campaign money, including hitting up high power GOP financiers and doing favors for sailors down by the docks.

The document also listed the best ways to attack Giuliani. It lists liabilities such as his divorce due to an affair, his ties to his former aid and candidate for homeland security chief Bernard Kerik, his support for gun control, and his frequent visits to the docks to do favors for sailors.

Still mysterious is how opponents of Giuliani got possession of the sensitive document. One theory is that someone on now Governor Crist of Florida’s campaign staff stole the luggage of a Giuliani flunky and photocopied the document. One thing is for certain, one of the bags from the Giuliani entourage did go missing. However, the Crist staffer merely may have been trying to steal one of Giuliani’s suitcases full of unmarked, non-sequential small bills, that he carries everywhere he goes.

Giuliani has often been called America’s Mayor, both for his centrist views and his unbelievable depth of corruption.

While Giuliani has not officially announces his plans, a presidential bid has been heavily rumored. Giuliani has also spoken of taking over Regis Philbin's duties on Live with Regis and Kelly if nothing else turns up.

Follow up: The Goode Fight

2007-01-02T17:45:00.000-06:00

(SNN USA) Today Representative Virgil Goode posted a clarification of his views on the swearing-in of Rep. elect Keith Ellison’s decision to be sworn in on the Koran.

Rep. Virgil Goode

Goode stated that his letter did not call for a religious test for prospective Congressmen. He merely wanted to point out that he wanted to see Muslims kept out of the country so that something like Congressman elect Ellison’s swearing in would never, ever happen again, even if that means burning them at the stake. He goes on to say that there are a whole lot of Muslims visiting the United States at any given time.

Just so people knew Congressman Goode was serious about his statements, he made some confusing comparison to 9/11. “Let us remember that we were not attacked by a nation on 9/11; we were attacked by extremists who acted in the name of the Islamic religion.” This may actually come as a surprise to many USA Today readers.

Rep. Virgil Goode is a Republican from Virginia's 5th congressional district.

Rep. Goode sent his op-ed to the USA Today, hoping that the bright colors and charts would guarantee that no-one who read it would be thinking.

NewsBlog 5000: Biggest Stories of 2006

2006-12-31T09:03:00.001-06:00

January 31, 2006: President Bush announces that the State of the Union is still strong.

February 22, 2006: Teenage Japanese girls still hot

February 25, 2006: Don Knotts dead at 81

March 07, 2006: Dick Cheney threatens Iran with Chuck Norris

March 31, 2006: Rep. Steve King promotes branding Congressmen with a scarlet A for allowing amnesty for illegals

April 01, 2006: Even Jesus wants to Bang Angelina Jolie

April 12, 2006: Music again found Satanic

April 26, 2006: John Lennon speaks from beyond the grave

April 29, 2006: Rush Limbaugh surrenders to police

May 06, 2006: Devil babies born, Damien is most popular name

May 07, 2006: President Bush reveals greatest accomplishment in office: 7.5lb Perch

May 16, 2006: Tony Snow plays jazz flute

June 11, 2006: Superman is not gay (mostly)

June 30, 2006: Chuck Grassley proposes sex worker tax

July 11, 2006: Geraldo reveals mafia plan to kill Geraldo

July 13, 2006: Man doesn’t get Onion article, claims that people just didn’t understand his humor

July 24, 2006: Democrat, U.S. Senate, Spousal Abuse, White Slavery, Harry Reid, Rapist

August 18, 2006: The appearance of the blessed virgin in a pile of chocolate

September 01, 2006: Aliens found in Roswell

September 17, 2006: Dustin Diamond releases sex tape

October 3, 2006: Gitmo Detainees gain weight from rich foods, lack of exercise

October 12, 2006: Wisconsin Sec. of State Candidate has tell all book about banging the Green Bay Packers

November 02, 2006: Bush demands Kerry apology for unclear speech

December 13, 2006: Administration warns against space terrorism

December 26, 2006: Saddam’s death sentence upheld

Editor’s Note: Let the Healing Begin

2006-12-29T22:26:00.000-06:00

As of my writing of this article, Saddam Hussein is dead. Now that the back of al Qaeda has been broken, Iraq can finally come together as one country.

Now I’ve heard naysayers say that things are not going well in Iraq. In fact, I’m listening to Iraq Study Group member and former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger on Fox News. He is telling us that the military is tired and things are not going well. Well, Mr. Eagleburger may be a career diplomat who worked with everyone from Henry Kissinger to George H.W. Bush, but I also have it under good authority that he enjoys a drink from time to time.

I also hear a lot of people saying that the President is about to send a “surge” of additional troops to Iraq. Now, to those people contemplating a surge, I would ask, “What part of stay-the-course don’t you understand?” It’s a straight forward simple talking point and it is only three worlds long. Most members of the administration can say it with no problem at all. Even the President gets it right most of the time. I predict that in the future, English will morph to include a new work like stathecorse to embody this simple principle.

In the French Revolution, one of the birthplaces of modern democracy, spectators to executions were allowed to take home body parts as souvenirs. I do not know what the plan is for Saddam’s body. Saddam’s lawyers are thinking that he will be buried in an unmarked grave. I’m hoping that they part it out and put it up on eBay. Say what you want about Saddam, but that guy had a big pair. I’m planning to bid on his scrotal sack. If I win, I’m going to have it stuffed and mounted in my game room.

Gerald Ford died in Wii Accident

2006-12-28T09:24:00.000-06:00

(SNN Demopolis) While authorities have been coy about the cause of Gerald Ford’s death, the Sincmil News Network has inside information that the cause of death was the Nintendo Wii.

While his family did not reveal the cause of death, sources close to the family have told a Sincmil reporter that the President was playing the new Nintendo Wii. Ford had a pacemaker installed in August, and playing the Wii with a pacemaker is expressly forbidden in the manual. Ford had just finished playing a round of golf and thought he would give Tennis a try. He went for the initial serve and banged his knuckles on a ceiling fan. The strap from the controller caught in the fan blades, and the President was pulled off his feet, spun around the room three times, and finally hurled into the wall at high velocity. He emerged from the incident unharmed, but then held the controller too close to his chest and pushed the A and B buttons at the same time, killing him stone dead.

Gerald Ford was the only President not elected to office. He was working as a Janitor at the time of the Spiro Agnew resignation. He was accidentally sworn in as Vice President. Because the Vice President traditionally doesn’t do that much, they had a good chuckle and Nixon decided to wait to replace him with a different Vice President “once this whole Watergate thing blows over." The joke didn’t seem that funny when Nixon resigned in August of 1974, and Ford became the president.

Over the years, many have tried to frame Fords presidency. Perhaps his legacy can best be summed up by the words of a former associate, Jessica Cutler, who called Ford “Married man who pays me for sex.”

Editor’s Note: We Did It!

2006-12-27T07:03:00.001-06:00

I would like to offer my heartfelt congratulations to Christians around the world who managed to have Christmas despite the War on Christmas started by the secular humanists. You are all the heroes of this war, but those who spent more on presents are maybe a little more heroic.

Now, I made the decision to shut down our publication over Christmas weekend. It is a decision I do not regret. However, I do wish that I had left note about our impending shutdown, as it has caused rumors to spring up.

Despite what you may have read in the tabloid rags, I am not James Brown. Although he and I shared a long relationship, and several people have pointed out they had never seen the two of us in the same room. The answer for this is simple. We prefered to speak over the phone, or more recently through text messages.

One of the theories about my time off is correct though. I spent yesterday in Boston Logan International Airport tracking the habits of TSA employees, and looking for possible terrorists. What I found was shocking. One female TSA agent took four breaks during a seven hour shift. This is a horrible waste of taxpayer money. Being pregnant is no excuse. She should have thought about her break time before becoming pregnant.

Saddam’s Death Sentence Upheld

2006-12-26T21:38:00.000-06:00

(SNN Tokyo) During appeal today, Saddam Hussein’s death sentence was upheld by Iraq’s highest court. The court also said the former dictator must be hanged within the next 30 days.

Since the verdict, bookies around the world have been taking bets on exactly when Saddam will be executed. But gamblers hoping to get a clue from the courts will be sadly disappointed. “Any day could be the day,” the chief judge said in an obvious attempt not to skew early wagering. Some wagers are also being accepted on the location of the hanging.

Saddam was arrested in December of 2003. After refusing to turn himself in to police, he became the focus of a low-speed pursuit. He spent nearly an hour leading the 1st Brigade command of the US Army’s 4th Infantry Division through the streets of Tikrit in his white Bronco.

It was widely thought that Saddam might have escaped his guilty verdict if his lead defense attorney Johny al-Cochran would not have been kidnapped and killed. In protest to the assassination, Saddam led a hunger strike which lasted from June 21, 2006 until June 23, 2006, when the former dictator was presented with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a box of Ding Dongs.

What is not known is if Saddam had time while imprisoned to finish his latest book, “If I did it, how I would have killed all those Kurds.”

Sadly, this means that Saddam will not make it to the next St. Valentine’s Day, widely reported as being the former dictator and romance writer’s favorite holiday.

Editors Note: Run from the TSA

2006-12-22T16:36:00.000-06:00

WOAI-TV, a San Antonio television station has received documents under the Freedom of Information Act claiming that 3,700 identification badges and uniforms have been lost by the TSA since 2003.

Frankly, that scares the hell out of me. This is just another reason why we don’t need a Freedom of Information Act. Why do we need the government assisting reporters to tell them things we don’t want to hear?

And of course the problem is caused by, once again, liberals. Los Angeles International Airport is missing 636 uniforms. I know you liberals have no work ethic and like to celebrate the end of the day, but for the sake of the country, can’t you keep your pants on until you get home.

But even the most American of Airports, Bush International Airport in Houston was missing 77 items.

So, thanks to the liberals, the next time I walk into an airport, the person asking me to take my shoes off is likely going to be a terrorist. Sadly, we live in a country where I wouldn’t be able to shoot that TSA officer if I was allowed to bring a loaded gun though the line. I guess the 2nd amendment doesn’t apply to airports.

Which leads me to ask: Why would they search me at all? I’m a rich, overweight, white man, the picture of a successful American. I might look like someone who would foreclose on your farm, but I’d never stick a gun in someone’s face to make the country afraid. If I stick a gun in your face, I want you to be afraid. They should be searching the people who look like terrorists, not me. In a right-thinking word, no one would even suspect I had a gun until it was too late.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Congressman pisses off Muslims

2006-12-20T22:01:00.000-06:00

(SNN San Jose) Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode Jr. released a letter to his constituents warning that more Congressmen would request to be sworn in on the Koran unless he would be able to enact strict immigration policies preventing legal immigration from the Middle East.

The letter was specifically sent to constituents who contacted Goode about Congressman Keith Ellison, D-Minn, who wished to be sworn in on the Koran as he is a Muslim.

Goode can trace his American roots back to 1742, when his ancestor Muhammad Al-Zhari Goode arrived in the Virginia colony, threw down his prayer rug and bowed to the East. He considers anyone whose family arrived after the American Revolution an immigrant.

In his letter, Goode said, “When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand.” In fact, Goode always has a bible in his off hand, except when he is wrapping himself in the flag, which is a two handed exercise.

In addition, Goode spoke about his subscriptions. “I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way.” However, the Congressman does subscribe to The Islamist and Jihadist Monthly.

Good believes that immigration must be reformed so that more Muslims will not become elected officials. Goode considers himself the perfect man to reform immigration. He is quite firm on the cause of America’s immigration woes: President Clinton.

Bush to reset military

2006-12-19T17:58:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) Today President Bush announced a bold new plan. He is going to reset the military.

Asked about Collin Powell’s assessment of our current situation, the President said "I haven't heard the word 'broken,' but I've heard the word, 'stressed.' . . . We need to reset our military. There's no question the military has been used a lot.

An artist's rendition of the Reset Button

Yes, the President understands that just like a computer that hasn’t been restarted in a long time or a video game that’s gone all wrong, our military occasionally needs to be reset.

What many Americans don’t know is that every President is given what is called “Plan B”. Holding no relation to the emergency contraceptive of the same name, “Plan B” is an all-purpose time travel device that will let the President go back in time and correct previous mistakes.

The last time the reset button was used was in 1962 by President Kennedy. A small scuffle with Cuba turned to all out nuclear war. JFK pushed the reset button and the second time through was able to negotiate a compromise. Thus the Cuban Missile Crisis replaced the Destruction of the Southeast United States Crisis.

Yes, very soon the problems with the War on Terror will be erased, and with it our memory, as we will not remember our previous alternate history. And as long as President Bush studied the information on temporal mechanics the Clinton Administration left him during the transition of power.

It will be any minute now.

Really, it will.

Unless, of course, Bush has already gone back in time and this is the best possible was the war on terror could go. Or maybe he just never read the documents.

It should be right about…

Anything?

Edwards Ready to Run

2006-12-18T09:46:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) The 2004 Vice Presidential Nominee and TV Psychic John Edwards may again be running for the White House. In doing so, he will face stiff competition from the other announced candidates, Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack and Rep. Dennis Kucinich.

Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack claims he is the only Iowan who knows how to use a Blackberry.

The TV Psychic will do a special appearance in New Orleans, where a spirit will tell him that there is a P in his future. Possible a VP, but there’s definitely a P in there. The spirit will then ask it’s mother or cousin to not worry about it, because it is in a better place, than cannot really be defined, but rest assured, it’s very nice.

Now that Edwards has announced he will announce it is likely that the unannounced front runners, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, whose name coincidentally sounds like Iraq Osama, will not bother to announce until later. But this should stand as a warning to Sen. Clinton. Sometimes when you play hard to get for too long, someone younger and prettier steps in.

Some point out that at this point, worrying about who will run for President is purely speculative, as President Bush may just decide to appoint a successor.

Editor's Note: I'm so excited

2006-12-14T01:17:00.000-06:00

In just over a month, Jack Bauer will again show us how to defend democracy. Now I know that the Hollywood liberals will try to tell you that Jack is merely a fictional character. I bet they would tell a different story if Jack had just shot out their wife’s kneecaps.

Some people may say that there are Americans more heroic than Bauer. Even if that were so, it would be George Washington or maybe Chuck Norris. He would definitely be in the top three though.

If I had to pick Washington or Bauer in a fight, I would have to pick Bauer. Picture this: they are both in a rowboat on the freezing Potomac. It is a half mile swim to either bank. Bauer shoots a hole in the bottom of the boat. “Listen General, you’re going to tell me what I want to know, or we’re both going to freeze to death in this river.” Jack fires another shot.

Norris is a wild card though. It could go either way.

I’m sorry, I really can’t go on. I get so emotional when I talk about Jack Bauer.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Oh and as HillCountryGal reminded me, the actress that plays Chloe (Mary-Lynn Rajskub) was caught smooching Rush. However, the actress claims that the kissing did not lead to a physical relationship. Better luck next time Mary-Lynn.

Administration warns against space terrorism

2006-12-13T15:05:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) The Bush administration warned today that threats by terrorist groups and other nations could threaten U.S. commercial and military satellites.

Undersecretary of State Robert G. Joseph, or some escaped mental patient that looked like him, asserted that the United States would use force to protect its satellites. "We reserve the right to defend ourselves against hostile attacks and interference with our space assets," Joseph said in prepared remarks to the George C. Marshall Institute.

"No nation, no state-actor, should be under the illusion that the United States will tolerate a denial of our right to the use of space for peaceful purposes," he said. He then asserted that to preserve the peace in space, space based missile systems may have to be set up.

Joseph also said terrorists might view the U.S. space program as "a highly lucrative target." It is also a very real danger that the Rocketollah will try to free his followers from our secret orbital prisons.

While, other have pointed out that terrorists have rarely attacked in space, it was not expected that terrorists would be able to take down the World Trade Center. And although we all try, who could forget Moonraker.

When asked about the need for a more detailed non-proliferation agreement, Joseph showed that he had a clear vision of the danger of space terrorism. "We should concentrate on real threats," he said.

Quality Reporting: Jim Rutz - The Big Picture

2006-12-12T15:16:00.000-06:00

Every once in awhile, we an NewsBlog 5000 find a piece of reporting so topical and so compelling that we ourselves do not think we can improve upon it. Today, we choose to honor Jim Rutz and his column, the Big Picture. This unimpeachable piece of journalism is reproduced below.

A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals

There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.

Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food.

The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.

I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.

In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen.

If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal.

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.

Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?

Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic.

Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year!

There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy.

In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't.

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.

Editor’s Note: Happy Days are here again

2006-12-11T21:18:00.000-06:00

I’m happy to report that my good friend Tom Delay is back in the news again. Apparently someone (I’m not naming names) told him that any smuck with a credit card can be a blogger.

Tom has already taken time out of his busy schedule of skimming off the top of the marketplace of ideas to attack America’s two greatest enemies: Jimmy Carter and Kofi Annan. Although, in fairness, I must say that Tom did not so much criticize Annan directly as give a shout out to Michelle Malkin in a sort of congratulatory conservative circle jerk.

All I can say is that is one circle I want in on. Many is the nights that I have barely been able to sleep while imagining Michelle’s soft, self loathing, Asian flesh. Remember what I told you last year at the Pajamas Media picnic Malkin. Just say the word. I know that deep down you want it.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Kazakhstan to pitch a big tent

2006-12-10T10:22:00.001-06:00

(SNN Semipalatinsk) Kazakhstan is planning to build a flexible tent that will entirely encompass an indoor city within its capitol city of Astana. The tent would be 150m high and larger than 10 football stadiums.

The capitol of Kazakhstan was moved to Astana 10 years ago. Temperatures in the winter plunge below -30 degrees Centigrade or -239 degrees Fahrenheit. The materials of the tent will be designed to absorb sunlight and heat the indoor city to summer temperatures.

Upon completion, residents of Kazakhstan will be able to play outdoor tennis, go to the beach and enjoy outdoor sex in the dead of winter.

But the project does create some risk. There is a danger that in the summertime, the fabric will focus the rays of the sun into a high intensity laser that will fire randomly across central Kazakhstan and into parts of Russia. This laser will have the power to take down airliners, destroy small buildings and vaporize any animal smaller than a cow.

Bush Reads

2006-12-08T15:41:00.000-06:00

(SNN Washington) Today President Bush spoke out about the Iraq Study Group report. While he is not promising to implement any of the recommended changes, he thought that it was important that people knew he had read the report.

"Some reports are issued and just gather dust,” said the President “And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it”

One reporter got a candid answer from the President after wondering if he knew how bad things were. The President answered him, “It’s bad in Iraq. It sucks big donkey dick bad. No mistake about it, it’s bad. This is worse than the time I was pulled over with all that coke. It’s so bad, they say they aren’t even going to let Jeb run for President.”