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Many who said they were going to Canada, actually go for coffee.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

While many Americans claimed they were contemplating a move to Canada if President George W. Bush won the election, most have just moped around only slightly improving their conditions with the occasional caffeine buzz.

I hear it's easier to get stoned there

Expecting a steep dropoff in business, many internet cafes blocked access to websites featuring information on Canadian emigration. New studies are showing coffee house patronage and consumption is up almost twenty percent after November 3rd, a number that gives cautious optimism to coffee shop owners. "After the election, we were afraid of a slow dropoff of business," said Victor Ramirez. "Instead business has never been better. I haven't seen this many depressed people in the shop since last Christmas Eve."

"It's really cold up there", sighed Timothy Stevens, head shop worker and part time sandwich manufacturer. "I was to Minnesota once, and there was a lot of snow. And you know, Canada's actually North of there, I think. I hear it's easier to get stoned there but that a lot of [fudge]ing snow, man."

Some of those Canucks can be real dicks

Other Americans have also taken up the flag of staying in America. Many claim that they don't want to move to Canada just to have to pay for American's drugs. Many are afraid that would accidentally end up in a French speaking region. Some are worried that they are suffering from a "Grass is Greener" mentality, people like Alan Barnes, a house painter from Skylark, MI. "I thought they were kind of nice in that movie "Canadian Bacon", but living in Northern Michigan, you meet an occasional Canuck. Some of those Canucks can be real dicks," Barnes commented.

So after careful consideration, Timothy Stevens is staying in America, and choosing the way of life he has always known. "Screw this [crap], man," Timothy finally decided. "It's time to get stoned." Deep down though, Timothy wonders if he can stay stoned for the next four years. When asked about it, he seems hopeful. "The weight of history is on my side. I think I can make it."


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