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Wearing the Bush Balls

Sunday, January 16, 2005

With nothing really happening in the world until the Golden Globes, the one thing that everyone is thinking about is what the first family will be wearing to the inaugural ball. While the first family has been accused of being boring and fundamentalist, I know that’s just not true. I know deep down in my heart that the Bush family just wants to be fabulous. But the question remains: While Bush has raised political capital, can he raise hemlines?

Can you really see W in a tuxedo and cowboy boots?

Let’s start with the First Cutey Himself, W. If he goes traditional, there’s not a lot he can do. Can you really see W in a tuxedo and cowboy boots? This is the man that started a 2 front war and has threatened many other countries. He needs something with authority. I’m definitely thinking something similar to that armored outfit with the skirt that we saw Collin Farrel wear in Alexander. The armor says, “I’m a tough war President out to conquer the world”, while the skirt says, “I can be compassionate and feminine.”

First Lady Laura Bush always presents a dilemma. You know she’s got to be wild to be married to a hellion like W, but she wants everyone to think that she’s a mild mannered librarian. Well, Laura, I don’t care if you’re a Librarian, First Lady or a Stripper, I just want you to be fabulous as your husband. Now, it is well know that she will be wearing a custom made Oscar de la Renta V-neck, YAWN. I think there is a way that you can be the First Lady and turn some heads, Laura. I see Laura as the ultimate librarian dominatrix with platform vinyl boots. When Laura tells you to be quiet, you will obey.

The twins have a whole trashy sorority girl debutante thing going, but that is so 1984.

The twins have a whole trashy sorority girl debutante thing going, but that is so 1984. I want Barbara and Jenna strictly hip hop. Let’s show people that just because Diddy isn’t down with daddy doesn’t mean that you aren’t down with Diddy. Maybe something like the BabyPhat zip front skirtall for Barbara and the V-crossover Tunic with black flared jeans for Jenna?

Despite being kicked out, Colin Powel will no doubt be in attendance at the ball. To Powell, I offer this simple suggestion. You are the first African American Secretary of state. Show your pride. Wear a dressy, yet understated Dashiki.

That leaves us with Condi Rice. I have one piece of advice for you, wearing mannish suits does not show you as a powerful black woman. If you really want to be respected as Secretary of State, think Cleopatra Jones.

Adrian Chevelle, Arts and Leisure

I'm ever upper class high society
God's gift to ballroom notoriety
I always fill my ballroom
The event is never small
The social pages say I've got
The biggest balls of all

I've got big balls
I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
But we've got the biggest balls of them all

And my balls are always bouncing
My ballroom always full
And everybody comes and comes again
If your name is on the guest list
No one can take you higher
Everybody says I've got
Great balls of fire

Some balls are held for charity
And some for fancy dress
But when they're held for pleasure
They're the balls that I like the best
My balls are always bouncing
To the left? (never!) To the right!
It's my belief that my big balls
Should be held every night
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