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Go Ask Alice

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?

Alice

I was a relatively successful man and I was living well within my means. The problem was that I could not find a woman to share my life with me. Because I had some disposable income, I decided to contact one of those agencies that find Russian women for American men. I ended up meeting and getting married to this wonderful girl, Nellya. The problem is that I liked Nellya so much and it went so smoothly that I ended up getting two more Russian brides. I thought I could manage it at first, but lately, I have had quite the time keeping my secret from my wives and the authorities. Can you give me any advice?

Roger M

RM

You have been very lucky not to have been caught so far. Most accomplished polygamists will tell you that keeping your wives in different states is the key to success. In your case, at the very least, I would suggest setting your wives up in different INS districts. You should be prepared for some rigorous time management. Also, you may have to change jobs to something to plausibly explain you absence and travel to your various wives. If you just don’t think that you can manage this life style, you are going to have to decide which wife you like the most and kill the other two.

Alice

Alice

I have been dating this woman for quite awhile and we are considering getting married. However, my girlfriend has an odd fetish. She likes to have live fish swim around in her mouth, sometimes for hours at a time. The problem is that I have a saltwater tank and she is allergic to saltwater fish. I really like her and can picture her as my wife, but I do not want to give up the effort that I have put into maintaining a saltwater tank.

Ervin M

EM

Many couples have to make adjustments to their lives when they get married. But you don’t always have to compromise. Some couples have separate beds. I even knew a couple who had separate bedrooms. It seems to me that you could have two tanks in your house, one for you and one for your fiancé. That way you can have your fish and eat them too.

Alice


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