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Go Ask Alice

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?

Dear Alice

I have been convicted of sexual offenses against children on several occasions, and have been diagnosed as a pedophile. I have not offended against anyone for a very long time and am praying to God to help me resist my vile urges. A couple months ago, I went to see a therapist at a free clinic. After I told her my problem and how many children I've molested over the last forty years, she told me that there was nothing that could be done to help me. She said, "Your soul is dead". Can this be true? Is there anything I can do to get my soul back to life? Please, I'm begging you, please help me.

Wally D.

Dear Wally.

While I am not a theologian, I am afraid your therapist may be correct. Child molesting probably does lead to the death of the soul. However, because it appears to me that you sincerely desire to free yourself from this affliction, I have consulted with a friend, Dr. Benswabi Santorum, who recommended a ritual that he swears will fix it. He cautions that these remedies will only work if your heart is sincere. For the procedure, you will need a couple of big stones, razor blades, an aluminum bowl, a welding torch, a soldering iron, rubber butt plug (red), four feet of stripped electrical wiring, and a well charged car battery. At first, performing the ritual may seem unpleasant. Do not be put off by the smell of burning flesh, as this is a common side effect. I will have Dr. Santorum contact you with more detailed instructions. Wally, I will be with you in my heart at midnight of the next full moon.

I wish you well.
Alice

Alice

I don’t know if this is a problem or not, but I’m a little worried. When I take my daughter to school in the morning, my young male dog, Wally, insists on hopping into the kennel with my eight year old cat, Crystal, who is female and spayed. The dog doesn’t seem to mind the company throughout the day and, when I arrive home at night, they both seem peculiarly happy and mellow. The other day, my daughter came home from school early and found Wally humping Crystal. Do I need to be concerned about this behavior.

Edith in Atlanta

Dear Edith,

I agree that it is peculiar, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Animals have sexual urges too, and cross species sex is not unknown amongst house pets that are locked up in the same house all day. Dogs especially are well known for humping all kinds of objects both animate and inanimate. I would be much more worried if you came home and found your daughter was somehow participating.

Alice


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