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The finger on the invisible hand

House Conservatives Attempt Brave Strategy

Friday, March 31, 2006

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, House Conservatives advanced a new strategy in the War on Mexicans. The bold new strategy would allow the United States to keep its immigrant labor force, but as a slave class rather than as second class citizens.

The President has always smelled a little funny

Even the most conservative have trouble arguing that simply imprisoning or expelling the eleven million illegal immigrants in the United States would not destroy the U.S. economy. But they are clear on one thing. They do not want filthy Mexicans wandering the streets.

Worrying that the American people would see House Republicans as reasonable people, a few Representatives took in upon themselves to prove that they were entirely motivated by racism. Leading the charge was Rep. Dana Rohrabacher of California.

Rohrabacher said Americans should be able to "smell the foul odor that's coming out of the U.S. Senate." Asked a few moments later whether the same odor was emanating from the president, he said, "The President has always smelled a little funny, kind of like one of those fancy moldy cheeses. Sometimes congressmen who really like moldy cheese will hold him close and take a huge whiff."

Rohrabacher advanced the brave new strategy, "I say let the prisoners pick the fruits." But while using Mexicans as slave labor seems ideal at first, Rep. Rohrabacher should be careful. There may yet be a few pitfalls to his plan.

As migrant workers, these people may make far less than minimum wage. While you could pay them as little as $0.12 an hour as federal prisoners, you would still be short several hundred dollars a week per person of the price it costs to keep someone in federal prison.

Rep. Steve King of Iowa has a solution for what to do with limp wristed ACLU lovers.

In addition, some of the more liberal members of Congress argue that there may be a moral issue with using Mexicans as slaves. Fortunately, Rep. Steve King of Iowa has a solution for what to do with these limp wristed ACLU lovers. "Anybody that votes for an amnesty bill deserves to be branded with a scarlet letter A," said Rep. King. Those that wore the scarlet letter would then have to make times in their schedule to be sodomized by Rep. King during massive homosexual orgies.

King went on to make the issue a class issue. "The elite class in America is becoming a ruling class and they've made enough money by hiring cheap illegal labor that they think they also have some kind of a right to cheap servants to manicure their nails and their lawn, for example. … Young people are cut out of this process."

But while King is right that you may be able to get a teenager to mow your lawn for $15, it is impossible to get him to put away the mower, or carefully trim around hedges and trees. In addition, while you may find a young, attractive, white girl to nanny your children, you can only trust an illegal immigrant fearing deportation to have sex with you and keep her mouth shut.

Referring to a wave of demonstrations in recent weeks, Rep. Virgil Goode of Virginia said, "I say if you are here illegally and want to fly the Mexican flag, go to Mexico and wave the American flag." Not even that DaVinci code guy knows what that means.

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