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America’s Greatest Gay President

Monday, December 20, 2004

Next month, the book “The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln” by author C. A. Tripp will be published. In this book, Tripp tries to show that one of American’s greatest Presidents, Abraham Lincoln, was a homosexual. While these allegations have existed in academia since the 1920s, they have been largely ignored. In his book, Tripp claims that Lincoln had a long term sexual relationship with his friend Joshua Speed. According to the book, Speed was a man.

While these allegations have existed in academia since the 1920s, they have been largely ignored.

This has caused quite a bit of controversy in Republican circles. Republicans, who are currently pushing for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, do not take well to having the father of their party called “a little that way, if you know what I mean”. Some have called the book “obscene blasphemy”. Some are resigned to the fact that no matter what the evidence shows, the ideas behind it will work their way into popular belief. They fear that liberal teachers, armed with a popular belief that Lincoln was gay, will use that belief to convince schoolchildren that there is nothing wrong with being gay. They worry that an entire generation of homosexuals will grow up without having to live in shame and fear.

Judith Reisman of the Institute for Media Education said: "They want to claim everyone you have heard of in history, from Jesus Christ onwards, was secretly gay or something similar. This is patently untrue." Ms. Reisman is most definitely correct. It only stands to reason that of all the people mentioned in history books over the last 2000 years, at least one of them must have been a heterosexual. It is yet to be determined what she meant by “something similar”.

Everyone you have heard of in history, from Jesus Christ onwards, was secretly gay

Despite the conservative belief that Lincoln’s homosexuality is most believable, the evidence seems a little shaky. First and foremost, the book has not even been released yet, so it has not yet received a wide scrutiny. Secondly, much of the postulation is based on reports of Lincoln sleeping with other men. This was a quite regular practice at the time, when beds were scarce and there was no central heating, and there was no Showtime after dark to take away the yearnings of loneliness. But a small bit of curiosity and naked groping on an especially cold night does not a homosexual make.

Also, used by Tripp was a poem written by Lincoln when he was a young man.
Billy has married a boy
The girlies he tried on every side/but none could he get to agree
All was in vain he went home again/and since that is married to Natty.
But in recent years, it has been scientifically proven that you do not have to be gay to write poetry.

Lincoln was that gay and his thighs were that perfect

One of Lincoln’s alleged lovers goes as far as to describe Lincoln’s thighs as ‘perfect as a human being could be'. This can be easily refuted as sheer hyperbole. If Lincoln was that gay and his thighs were that perfect, surly someone else would have written something down on the subject.

Many doubt the sincerity of Tripp’s motives. Tripp was not only a homosexual, but he was a researcher at the Kinsey institute. Also, Tripp was accused of fabricating evidence for the book by a former partner. Some say that he conveniently died before the publication of the book, so that he would not have to justify his claims.

Man, Dubya's going to have to work overtime to become the greatest gay President now.

What's that? You say Bush's not gay? Consider this:

Oh, puh-leeze. He's fabulously flaming...
For some reason, the item page for this post switches encoding to Western European and shows euros and circumflexes in the title. I have no idea why, could be a problem in my browser. Using IE6 at the moment.
It seems to be working on my IE6.

To anyone else having this problem, please drop a note.
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