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Go Ask Alice

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?

Alice

There is a woman at our office whose job it is to direct the clerical staff. I am a member of the professional staff and she has no authority over me. However, she is exceedingly annoying in that she continues to change office forms, alters instructions for using the forms, changes the designated staff members to whom we're supposed to deliver and pick up the forms, and will only allow us to deal with the entire form situation during an eight hour period one specific day a week. I really hate her and want to do something evil to her so she will stop. Any advice?

Candice F

CF

While you could perform some kind of juvenile prank like rub the scent of fox urine (available at most hunting/outdoors stores) on her radiator, this could affect your employment situation. You should probably act like an adult and deal with this situation in an adult manner. I would suggest that you frame her for some kind of crime such as office theft. You may want to enlist the help of a male coworker to attempt a charge of sexual harassment. While I would not suggest to you that it's appropriate to break the law, you may find it useful to know that there are a few types of poison on the market that are still undetectable.

Alice

Alice

My boyfriend always wants me to perform fellatio. This would not really be a problem except I am deathly afraid of spiders, and he has a tattoo of a black widow spider on his thigh. Should I break up with him?

Maddie L

ML

While breaking up with your boyfriend may seem a little extreme in some situations, you don’t seem too worried about it. If you really don’t really care one way or another, then perhaps you should. However if I have misread your letter and you really do care for this boyfriend, you should work together to straighten this out. If he enjoys fellatio that much, perhaps he would be willing to get the tattoo removed. Alternatively, if he does not want to have it removed, you could arrange to accidentally spill acid on his thigh. But be careful with how far you spread the acid. A man will never forgive you if you burn off certain parts of his anatomy. Believe me, I speak from experience.

Alice


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