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Bush Nominates Some Conservative Guy

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

(SNN Washington) President Bush named federal appeals court judge John G. Roberts Jr. to a seat on the Supreme Court today.

It’s easy to see why the President chose John Roberts. He has made statements against freedom of speech, environmental protection, and civil rights. And he has submitted a brief to the Supreme Court arguing that Roe v. Wade was incorrectly decided. The multimillionaire believes firmly for the protection of corporations against the complaints of annoying citizens, which he rustically refers to as “peasants”. Roberts brings a wealth of experience to the Supreme Court: he has been a judge for almost two years.

In brief remarks, Roberts said it "is both an honor and very humbling to be nominated to serve on the Supreme Court." He said he has argued numerous cases before the high court during his career, adding, "I always got a lump in my throat whenever I walked up those marble steps to argue a case before the court, and I don't think it was just from the nerves." This has led many commentators to believe that Roberts may have sodomized David Souter.

Republicans seemed pleased with the nomination. Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama called him a "fabulous nominee" and predicted that if confirmed, he would "bring a nonpolitical approach to judging." Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., the country’s leading asshole, called Roberts "brilliant". Karl Rove was seen doing a little dance, but this may have been because no one was talking about him.

Republicans seemed pleased with the nomination. Karl Rove was seen doing a little dance.

Meanwhile Democrats were of mixed views. "The president has chosen someone with suitable legal credentials, but that is not the end of our inquiry," said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada. "Who knows about this guy?" said Sen. Tom Harkin D-Iowa.

In Sen. Harkin’s defense, we probably should have asked someone on the Judiciary Committee instead of the ranking member of the Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry Committee. Honestly, about 15 minutes ago, we didn’t know jack about this guy either.

In addition to his judicial experience, John Roberts played Darren on Bewitched, has a wonderful singing voice and enjoys blowing up mountains.

I can never tell how much is real?
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Here at NewsBlog 5000, we use a complicated method for news gathering that is years ahead of our competitors. We use a combination of research, plagiarism, guided meditation and divination to determine the truth. Because of our complex and futuristic methods, we sometimes come up with some (slightly) inaccurate statements. Sometimes, the story just comes to us in the bath.
Not to mention long division.
I'm pretty sure John Roberts playing Darren on Bewitched is true. I remember it. He was the second Darren.
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