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Bush: State of Union Still Strong

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

(SNN Washington) This evening, the president out laid his plans in his State of the Union address. The president asked for less oil, specially trained teachers, and a new plan for taking care of the elderly.

The president again echoed his statement "the State of the Union is strong." This has led many people to believe that the president does not know what the State of the Union means. Some believe that the President thinks that the State of the Union is where two states meet, specifically two states with similar names: for instance, the border of Virginia and West Virginia or the border of North Dakota and South Dakota. It should be noted that, unlike the border of Ohio and Indiana, neither of these borders has been recently involved in a dispute that has caused a shooting war.

Our president knows a thing or two about addiction. And in that spirit he has pointed out that America is addicted to oil. In fact, last year we gave $14.5 billion in subsidies to oil companies. This is nearly as much money as Senator Rick Santorum spends on crack. The President has vowed to put more federal money into the research of batteries and hybrid technology. It can only be assumed the president plans to reinstate many of the hybrid programs that he has canceled.

Our president also knows a thing or two about ignorance. He once said, "it is a terrible thing to lose one's mind," and he often shows us the meaning of those words. Mr. Bush has called for training 70,000 math and science teachers to improve the nation's competitiveness. Not surprisingly, the president did not decide to make English teachers a priority.

The president also had something to say to those who criticized the lack of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. "Hindsight is not wisdom," Bush said. "And second-guessing is not a strategy." These words will no doubt comfort UN weapons inspectors who caused the war by being unable to find the nonexistent weapons.

UN weapons inspectors caused the war by being unable to find the nonexistent weapons.

But perhaps the president's most aggressive strategy will be his attempt to revamp "entitlement" programs such as Social Security. The president realizes that one of major costs for keeping old people from starving is food. Because of this, the president wants to start a radical new program. Under the new plan, seniors would be able to buy a government subsidized Arch Card. With this "Arch Card", seniors would be able to buy several delicious menu items at McDonald's for just one dollar.

The president also understands that one of the main challenges to the Social Security system will be the sheer number of people receiving benefits. Part of the cost for this is that people are living too long. So, in order to receive Social Security benefits, a retiree would have to have an implant put in their hand. On the day of their 68th birthday, this implant would start to glow red. On that day, the retiree would be asked to participate in an event called Carousel. In Carousel they would be sucked up in this fiery swirly thing. All participants of Carousel would then be given eternal life, as long as they are evangelical Christians.

Don't forget his strong statement opposing human-animal hybrids!

In other news, Senators Rick "Man-on-dog" Santorum and John "Man-on-box-turtle" Cornyn wept... and dogs and box turtles everywhere breathed a sigh of relief.

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Oh, and I forgot. I looked at the original text for the speech, and it originally said "The State of the Union smells strong." Dear Leader simply forgot the "smells", that nasty 'reading' stuff again (Presidentin' is hard work, y'know?). For the State of the Union is indeed strong, like days-old road kill or dirty socks.

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
Badtux, I lust for your brain. And Mr. Maynard, this column was A+, I must admit. Those ASSHOLES!!!
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