NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Editor's Note: Good Night Sweet Exterminator

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I saw the news today and oh, boy. I didn't believe it. I immediately checked the date of the article I was reading to make sure it wasn't an April Fools article. Actually, I'm not even sure Time does those.

It is expected that Tom DeLay will announce his retirement from the theater of politics this morning. Fortunately, DeLay is resigning for all the right reasons. Always the humanitarian, he wants to spare his constituents from seeing the horrible things Democrats would say about him in the upcoming election. So rather than make his election about his corruption, he has chosen to let another Republican champion their ideals.

Many of you might ask why I call Tom DeLay a humanitarian. Well, he may have never saved a child's life in Africa, but when my yacht became infested with fleas, I didn't even have to ask. He sent over a couple of guys to deal with it, 10% off. Now some people might say that he just felt responsible for bringing a box of fleas on board and setting them free, but that is just the kind of anti-business liberalism that Tommy Boy was fighting against. And when you paid $50,000 to play a game of golf with him, Tom treated you like a human being.

Yes, Time Magazine, and as far as I can tell, every other outlet of the Liberal Press has been bragging about Uncle Tom's resignation. This is just typical of the shoddy reporting of the media. Just because a powerful connected member of the House has resigned, the news media swarms over it like locusts. I'm sure there is a school reopening in Iraq that they could be showing us.

If you're reading this, Tom, I thank you for all the service you have given us. And I hope you will enjoy your new life, as Washington's richest, most powerful Republican lobbyist.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

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