OMFG Jesus Appears on White House Lawn: Bush is 'Doing a Heck of a Job'
Saturday, April 01, 2006
(SNN Washington) This morning at 8:00 AM Eastern Time, Jesus Christ appeared on the White House lawn. By 9:00 AM, a press conference had been called. Dressed in an Armani suit and an American flag tie and lapel pin, the Lord Jesus Christ, call me Josh, made several statements to "set my followers straight".
[The Iraq War] was my idea
As always, the most difficult questions came from White House Correspondent Helen Thomas, who asked Josh if he approved of the Iraq War. "It was my idea," answered the Son of God. "I told George that he could tell people that and it would be cool, but it made him a little nervous." Jesus then turned to Bush and said, "You're doing a heck of a job, W." Later, the President announced that Josh would be taking over as Secretary of Defense.
When the Messiah was asked why he chose the particular day to appear, he answered, "It was all written in the fifth book of Magdalene." While some attribute no deception due to the absence of that particular book, some point out that the presence of Pope Benedict XVI, who claimed to be "just passing through", as more than mere coincidence. Josh also pointed out that tomorrow was Easter, and that modern calendars were off by two weeks.
One of the main things people were interested in was who would get into heaven. Josh was quick and concise with his answer, "Southern Baptists, Evangelicals, and Catholics, because of a promise I made to Peter. No Fags." Catholic Churches around the world are bracing for what may be the largest worldwide mass ever, this Sunday. This is predicted to be a boon for Senator Rick Santorum who is behind 8 points in early polling and has been saying as much for years.
Many of the questions aimed at the King of Kings were softballs. When asked what his favorite dessert was, he answered, "mint, chocolate covered Oreos". When asked who his favorite actor what, he said, "Mel Gibson, of course." When asked what his favorite inventions of the 20th century were, he named the "Internets", Humvees, and the Atom Bomb.
Jesus has also given his plans for the immediate future. "Well, until Rumsfeld is transitioned out of Defense, I plan to buy a big mansion in Beverly Hills, work on building up my gun collection and marry Angelina Jolie, who is already pregnant with my child. Sorry Brad, my bad."
When asked what his strategy for Iraq was, SECDEF Josh said that the U.S. forces would be taking a more aggressive stance. "We're not over there to make friends. We have to get that oil." To a follow-up about animosity from future generations, Josh said, "What future generations?"
One reporter jokingly asked who would win the election in 2008. "Me of course," Jesus answered. "By then I will have had the experience of being Secretary of Defense, and I am the only candidate that can get you into heaven." When asked if this could be construed as buying votes, Jesus said, "Who cares, my law is the only law. George W. taught me that."
While some pundits say Jesus is a shoe-in for President in 2008, others say that it will still be difficult for a black man in a mixed marriage to become president.