NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Official Denies Hastert Investigation

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

(SNN Washington) Despite an ABC news article earlier today, the U.S. Department of Justice denied that Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, is under investigation by the FBI.

Earlier today, ABC News cited an unnamed source inside the Dept. of Justice who said Hastert was under investigation. ABC claimed the investigation was due to a letter Hastert wrote encouraging the Interior Department to block a casino on an Indian reservation. The casino would have competed with casinos of other tribes represented by convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

However later in the day, an official statement from the Justice Department said, "The story is wrong. Hastert is not under investigation." Hastert's press secretary also denied knowledge of the investigation.

But how could a man who was being investigated this afternoon not be under investigation now? The answer is simple, time itself has been changed. Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Sam Beckett led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project, known as QUANTUM LEAP. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, Doctor Beckett, prematurely stepped into the Project Accelerator and vanished.

Beckett awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Fortunately, contact with his own time was made through brainwave transmissions, with Al, the Project Observer, who appeared in the form of a hologram that only Doctor Beckett could see and hear. Trapped in the past, Doctor Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right, that once went wrong and hoping each time, that his next leap will be the leap home.

Beckett no doubt took over the life of Hastert for maybe the afternoon, or maybe the last couple of days. During this time, he changed Hastert's life in a way that will make him a force for good in the world. And by now, Beckett is probably a stage magician in the Poconos.

Maybe Dr. Beckett could leap into Bill O'Reilly and then jump off a cliff. That would save a lotta women a lotta goofy luffa talk. Oh, and if, as Bill's body is plunging to its death, Dr. Beckett could transport into Hannity's body, and... you get the idea.
Wow, I think m.d. is onto something.
I am always confused by their philosophy to just lie lie lie. And then, when it turns out to be true, they lie about that. I'm sick and tired of those lies and the lying liars who tell them. Oops, I must have just time-traveled Al Franken.
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link