Go Ask Alice
Friday, December 03, 2004
Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?
Alice
I recently obtained a wife through an agency that places Russian women with American men. Although I paid a lot of money for the service, she says that she is homesick for Russia. She has even mentioned getting a divorce and going home. What should I do?
Greg H
your new wife finds you completely repugnant
Greg
While it is true that sometimes women in this situation are just homesick, it is more likely that your new wife finds you completely repugnant. I mean it’s obvious that you couldn’t snag an American woman; otherwise you wouldn’t need to go through an agency. Your best course of action is to call the agency and ask if you can return her for a different model. There is always a possibility that they can find you another used up prostitute that only secretly loathes you. If this second relationship doesn’t work for you, you may have to deal with the fact that you are just horribly unbearable to all women. In this case go back to Internet porn, where you probably found the Russian bride agency in the first place.
Alice
Alice
I think my boyfriend may be using drugs. I was over at his place the other day and I found a bag of white powder in his kitchen. When questioned about it, he became very upset. He said that it was vanilla pudding, but I am not so sure. I need to know if my boyfriend is on drugs. Even more, I want him to get help if he needs it. But I don’t want my boyfriend to think that I am investigating his activities, especially after confronting him about it. I have seen how these things go in the movies, and I do not want to end up a battered ho, hooked on the H. What should I do?
Emily A
I do not want to end up a battered ho, hooked on the H.
Emily
While it is true than many cooking ingredients come in the form of white powder, so do many drugs. There is one agency close at hand that can tell you whether or not the white powder is, in fact, vanilla pudding. You have to get that white powder to your local police station. Now, I understand that you are afraid to become directly involved, but there is a simple solution. Put the white powder in an envelope with your boyfriend’s return address on it and mail it to your local police station and the FBI. This way, you will know for sure whether or not the white powder is an illegal drug. And the police will help your boyfriend get any help he needs.
Alice
