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The finger on the invisible hand

Tom Ridge Steps Down after Seeing Cheney’s Penis

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The story came out a couple of weeks ago, and it was huge. Dick Cheney is hung like an army mule. Conspiracy theories abound at what Cheney keeps in his pants: the backup red button, a UFO, Tony Blair or a Russian Sub. After seeing the picture of the alleged tallywhacker, the general consensus on the Internet is that our Vice President is the new John Holmes. Now, before the month is even out, Tom Ridge is stepping down from his position in the Department of Homeland Security. While on the outside, these events would seem unrelated, it doesn’t take much to put two and two together.

Our Vice President is the new John Holmes.

Ridge, 59, is arguably one of the most important bureaucrats in government today. He runs a newly created Department of Homeland Security involved the integration of over 20 agencies and employs more than 180,000 career civil servants. Ridge probably feels that he should leave now, while he is the only Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security not to see an attack on US soil, a record he will probably hold for some time. While he’s best know for the 5 color terror alert system, his current rating is green. He’s green with the kind of envy that one can only get for a man who is only a heartbeat away from being the most powerful man on Earth and has a huge shlong. Ridge tried to play down the Vice dong by claiming that he needed more money, as he had to save more for his two children’s educations. This excuse is understandable, as Ridge only makes $175,000 a year.

Ridge only makes $175,000 a year.

The competition for the Secretary’s spot is fierce, with many contenders: White House domestic security adviser Frances Fragos , former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik, former U.S. Representative Asa Hutchinson, former Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Joe Albaugh, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, California Congressman Christopher Cox, Dr. Ryan Maynard and Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Mike Leavitt. They will all compete in a single elimination tournament to be held December 10th at Cesar’s Palace, in Las Vegas, Nevada.

While Fran Fragos is expected to win, anything can happen in single elimination. Many people are taking the long odds on Ruddy Giuliani. Giuliani proved that anything was possible when he stated that President Bush had won the debates. But the question is will any of the candidates have what it takes to stare down Cheney’s one eyed monster.

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