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The finger on the invisible hand

Go Ask Alice

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


My son is fifteen and a huge Star Wars fan. I have always encouraged him to be creative and imaginative, but something happened the other day that left me very disturbed. I was bringing some laundry into his room, and I found him performing fellatio on a lightsaber toy. Should I be worried?

Glen H


My advice is to give you son some space to discover who he is. While discovering your child’s sexual experiment was quite disturbing, you should not be too worried about his ultimate outcome. Many boys become experimental at that age. However, no matter what the eventual sexual preference of your child, it is not a choice you can make. If I were you, I might consider chaperoning your son to Episode III. He probably doesn’t need to be left alone with a room of lonely middle aged men holding their own lightsabers.



I am a high school history teacher. Ever since I was student teaching, I have been tempted by the high school girls. Lately, it has been worse, there has been a particular student actively perusing me. I have given into temptation and although we have not yet had sex, she and I have been meeting every Thursday afternoon at my house for “make out” sessions. The longer this continues, the greater the temptation increases, what should I do?

Wayne H


I am not a psychiatrist, nor am I your lawyer. Not only is your information not confidential, but people writing me expecting their questions to get displayed on the internet. Not only did you send me this information about you compromising your position of trust and possibly breaking the law, but you used your school email address and included your full signature. With this information, you would be pretty easy to track down. Interestingly enough, I have an old friend that lives near you and he was taking some pictures in your neighborhood last Thursday afternoon. Your house has lovely big windows, and I thought you might be interested in some of the photographs. You may even want to buy all of them along with the negatives. Email me again, and maybe we can come to some arrangement.



I am engaged and plan to have a wedding in June. There is not an easy way to say this, but the other day, I came home to find my fiancé wearing one of my dresses. I was disturbed to find out that he looked better in the dress than I did. Now I am wondering if we can make our marriage work.

Nancy T


For the sake of your marriage to be, I think you should immediately seek counseling. As long as you have similar skin tone and build, a good fashion consultant can find outfits that you can both look good in. Think of all the money you can save in the long run. If you do have a similar skin tone, you should also approach your future husband on the subject of cosmetics.



I have been dieting and having pretty good success. How do you suggest I keep the weight off during the holidays?

Stacy M


I can’t believe you. If you think that there was some answer to this question, people wouldn’t already know about it. I mean really, do you think that I have some kind of magic wand? There are probably 200 magazines out right now with a list of holiday eating dos and don’t. I suggest you buy one. It won’t help, but at least you can say you tried.



I’ve been dating this really sweet girl that very much cares about me, but I’ve always lusted after this friend of mine, Tracy. Recently Tracy has separated from her boyfriend and I asked her if she would like to date me. Her response was, “I don’t know.” Well, the other night, we were in a nightclub (as friends) and she kissed another guy in front of me. She apologized later for being inconsiderate but not for kissing the guy. Should I continue to pursue her?

Rick H


You should definitely get rid of sweet girl. Tracy obviously is trying to make you jealous. Telling you that she is lukewarm about the concept of dating, taking you on a platonic “date” and going as far as kissing another guy in front of you are definitely the kind of signals you should be looking for. Tracy is probably very attracted to you and is inhibited because of fear of losing your friendship or your relationship with sweet girl. You just need to lower her inhibitions. Get her drunk, and somewhere between the point that she forgets her own name and she passes out, she will probably have sex with you. Because of her level of inhibition, you may have to do this several times before she admits to a relationship.


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