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The Girlies on Standby Waving Satanic Bibles

Monday, February 07, 2005

(SNN) Robert Van Winkle, better known as Vanilla Ice from the movie “Teenage Mutant Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” has admitted that he spent thousands of dollars on therapy to get over an obsessed fan.

“Girls were always showing me their [thingies], but there was this one girl, the same girl, in the front row, the same spot, all the time,” Vanilla Ice tells the February issue of Razor magazine. “One time, in Japan, we got to our hotel and there was a knock at my door, middle of the night, someone’s left me a satanic bible. I was freaking out. She then came up the fire escape, dropped to her knees, and was basically possessed by the Devil. In this full Exorcist voice, she kept saying, ‘He is my destiny, I must have him!’”

She then came up the fire escape, dropped to her knees, and was basically possessed by the Devil.

Van Winkle went on to relate that the girl had been sent by her parents to recruit him to the Irish branch of the Church of Satan, which is ironically the most peaceful religion in the region. This comes as a surprise to many that believed Van Winkle’s success could be quite easily assumed to be the work of the Dark Prince. It is not known whether the Prince of Lies specifically instructed the fan to repeatedly show Van Winkle her breasts. The fan has since returned to Ireland to resume her position in Parliament.

Also, in the interview Van Winkle states that he finds solace in the fact that one of his songs, “Ice Ice Baby”, has stood the test of time. “I know this: a good song is deeper than a tattoo. It’ll remind you of the car you’re driving and the girl you’re going around with and the streets you’re cruising. It’s better than a photo album. A song is a tattoo that you never lose. ‘Ice, Ice Baby,’ man, you’ll remember that when you’re 90.”

Adrian Chevelle, Arts and Leisure


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