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Baton Rouge About to Burst

Monday, September 12, 2005

(SNN Baton Rouge) Baton Rouge, surprisingly the capitol of Louisiana, has grown fifty percent in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, from 400,000 to 600,000 at best estimate.

The East Baton Rouge School District say that there are 10 percent more students than last week

Officials from the East Baton Rouge School District say that there are 10 percent more students than last week, and that number is expected to climb dramatically. So far, the district has hired a new principal, 29 teachers and reopened a middle school that was closed last year.

While there were fears early on of crime, local police say that traffic has actually become the major problem. Sgt. Don Kelly of the Baton Rouge Police Department says that traffic is up 35-to-40%. Fortunately, the city will be seeking federal money for new overpasses and bridges.

People who are not married are being forced to live together

Real Estate is also a problem. Apartments have been rented and hotel rooms are full. Many people have even been buying homes in the area. Realtors are working 14 hour days. With housing prices raising 20 to thirty percent in the last week, homes are being sold after being on the market for 25 minutes.

What is even more shocking is the sorry state of morality in Baton Rouge. People who are not married are being forced to live together, because there is no where else to go. The BBC reports a French Professor from the University of Louisiana has been luring people into his house. "Wow!" the professor said without a hint of shame in his voice. "There are 14 people in my house. Normally we are five. Nobody knows how long they will be with us." While the BBC did not give any indication of exactly who the professor was housing, one can only guess that he has filled his home with girls between the age of 16 and 19. One can only imagine the unconscionable acts these fourteen are committing. However, knowing the history of New Orleans, prostitution is likely involved.

Luckily the worst of Governor Blanco's Weapons of Mass (food) Destruction, which prevented the U.S. Army from deploying to New Orleans upon threat of destruction until Governor Blanco gave permission, has decided to stay with relatives in Pine Bluff, Arkansas. Baton Rouge officials privately expressed relief to this reporter. "We're not sure we have enough tarps and enough trailers of food to properly care for Chef Paul Prudhomme", one said. And he continued, "where would we put him, anyhow? We only have one basketball stadium in town, and it's already filled with evacuees, we'd have to move them all out if Chef Paul decided to come back!"

Meanwhile, former FEMA chief "Brownie" Brown was spotted sulking in a Washington bar, saying "Oh the horror!" as he contemplated the thought of Louisiana's Weapons of Mass (food) Destruction. "I really wanted to send food and water to New Orleans," he explained to this reporter. "But before they made it past the city limits, Governor Blanco's Weapons of Mass (food) Destruction had already eaten it all!"

Governor Blanco disputed this, noting that Chef Prudhomme had evacuated to Arkansas long before the hurricane hit. "Let's face it," she said. "An operation of that magnitude happens only with a lot of preparation. We had plans for this contingency, and we executed on schedule."

The U.S. Department of Defense refused to comment upon speculation that Governor Blanco's Weapons of Mass (food) Destruction prevented the deployment of the U.S. military to the affected area. However, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was reportedly spotted wandering around mumbling, "You go to war with the food you have, not with the food you want." It is unclear how this is related to the five-day delay in getting active-duty military to Louisiana.

-- Badtux the News Penguin
I'm beginning to develop a strange attraction to the brain of badtux.
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