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The finger on the invisible hand

DeLay Entertains Young Voters

Monday, October 17, 2005

(SNN Richmond) In an attempt to appeal to young voters, U.S. Representative Tom DeLay jumped out of his town car last Wednesday ready to shake hands and booty.

DeLay said he was, “Keeping my pimp hand strong.”

DeLay greeted a group of students, “Hi, Tom DeLay” and began to pass out Red Bull and cigarettes. He then asked to borrow the guitar of one of the students, sat down, and started to play a, well received, acoustic version of “One Bitten Twice Shy”. When one of the students asked the powerful U.S. representative what he was doing at the community college, DeLay said he was, “Keeping my pimp hand strong.” As DeLay leapt into his third song, students taped a sign to the wall behind his back that said “Don’t Feed the Monkey”.

But how strong is DeLay’s pimp hand? The Representative spent disproportionately to win only 55% of his district in 2004, nine points below George W. Bush. Furthermore, the Congressman has been involved in scandal after scandal on issues such as bribery, blackmail, and money laundering.

DeLay can fall back on one of Texas’s greatest natural resources”

Fortunately, DeLay can fall back on one of Texas’s greatest natural resources, the utter inanity of its citizens. 'I think everybody in this district that supported him continues to support him," said Phyllis Worsham. ''We know the truth here, and we know what he's done for the district." Sadly, Phyllis Worsham is a government teacher.

Despite what Worsham says, DeLay will be hitting the bricks for the foreseeable future. The Representative has already set up a steady schedule of appearances, mostly judging costume parties in retirement homes, helping college students to score weed and chaperoning high school dances.

Next week, DeLay is going to open a shopping mall with his cover of, “I Think We’re Alone Now”.

From now until the election, DeLay will be hosting karaoke every Thursday night at the Sugarland Ramada.

He is such an incredible asshole.
Aside from the noted mental vacancy of Texas voters, who after all are poisoned from birth by what is called "air" in Texas but would be called "soup" elsewhere, Mr. Delay also has the assistance of another fine institution, the infamous "Box 13". This ballot box, and its associated roll book populated from the best cemeteries of Houston, was inherited from Lyndon B. Johnson and is guaranteed to vote for Mr. Delay as the residents of those cemeteries line up eagerly to vote, muttering "Brains!" all the way.

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
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