(SNN Richmond) In an attempt to appeal to young voters, U.S. Representative Tom DeLay jumped out of his town car last Wednesday ready to shake hands and booty.

DeLay said he was, “Keeping my pimp hand strong.”

DeLay greeted a group of students, “Hi, Tom DeLay” and began to pass out Red Bull and cigarettes. He then asked to borrow the guitar of one of the students, sat down, and started to play a, well received, acoustic version of “One Bitten Twice Shy”. When one of the students asked the powerful U.S. representative what he was doing at the community college, DeLay said he was, “Keeping my pimp hand strong.” As DeLay leapt into his third song, students taped a sign to the wall behind his back that said “Don’t Feed the Monkey”.

But how strong is DeLay’s pimp hand? The Representative spent disproportionately to win only 55% of his district in 2004, nine points below George W. Bush. Furthermore, the Congressman has been involved in scandal after scandal on issues such as bribery, blackmail, and money laundering.

DeLay can fall back on one of Texas’s greatest natural resources”

Fortunately, DeLay can fall back on one of Texas’s greatest natural resources, the utter inanity of its citizens. 'I think everybody in this district that supported him continues to support him," said Phyllis Worsham. ''We know the truth here, and we know what he's done for the district." Sadly, Phyllis Worsham is a government teacher.

Despite what Worsham says, DeLay will be hitting the bricks for the foreseeable future. The Representative has already set up a steady schedule of appearances, mostly judging costume parties in retirement homes, helping college students to score weed and chaperoning high school dances.

Next week, DeLay is going to open a shopping mall with his cover of, “I Think We’re Alone Now”.

From now until the election, DeLay will be hosting karaoke every Thursday night at the Sugarland Ramada.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Monday, October 17, 2005