I was just perusing the tattoo magazines at my local newsstand and I found something that scared the bejesus out of me. It was a little book called "Living Longer for Dummies".

Now if there's one thing I don't need its dimwitted octogenarians going 30mph in the fast lane with their blinker on, high on medical marijuana they bought with my hard earned Social Security contribution. These old age fetishists are going to screw things up for everyone.

I have nothing but contempt for these people who want to live forever. When I was a boy, real men smoked unfiltered Lucky Strikes while chugging Budweiser, or sometimes Pabst. They drove 90mph down gravel roads, with no seatbelt, and more gas in their own tank than in the car. They treated old age as a place filled with misery and degradation from which no one returned, like Sean Hannity's bedroom.

Old people are harmful to the country. It's one thing to start taking Social Security at 65 if you're going to die at 70, but today people are doing our government the disservice of living to be 80, 90, 100, and the sky seems the limit. And remember, more people on Medicare means a higher percentage of our population is participating in socialized medicine.

Let's face it. No one really wants to grow old. And no one is going to live forever, except Dick Cheney. Old people carry disease and smell funny, much like foreigners. There is only one solution to aging. So it's time for you healthy people out there to put down the carrot juice and drink a tall glass of lard. If not for me, do it for your country.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Sunday, May 14, 2006