Today is a sad day, patriots. Jessica Simpson announced that she would grow old lonely because potential suitors were put off by her celebrity status. "My fear is that I won’t ever date anybody, because they’ll think I’m going to ruin their career.”

Well don’t worry, Jessica. I am throwing my hat into the ring. Yes, I am married, but I believe there are some sacrifices you must make for the good of your country.

I know I’m no Johnny Knoxville, but I’ve been taking lessons from Bill O’Reilly, and you would be amazed what I can do with a loofah.

And you don’t worry about me having to ride your coat tails. In my mind, I’m more important, relevant and talented that you will ever be.

I need you Jessica, to help me spread the legacy of Ronald Reagan. With my brains and your large fake breasts, I know we can go far. But I need more than just fake boobs, Jessica. I need you. I can’t get breast implants myself, because that would border on androgyny, and I’m firmly pro-family values.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Saturday, October 28, 2006