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The finger on the invisible hand

Editor’s Note: A Message for Paris’s Pirate

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Arrgh Matey.

Remember that moment with the press the other day. You made your statement to Paris’s mother and she gave you that “What the fuck?” look and walked away. There is really no doubt that Paris will act in the same way if she ever sees you.

Let’s face the facts; if the army of lawyers employed by Paris’s family cannot get her out of that jail, faux-brigand foppery will not likely help the cause.

What you are doing is understandable. You didn’t get that part in Pirates of the Caribbean, and you could use the exposure. You’ve always wanted to bang a celebrity, and Paris seems an easy alternative. You’re seriously mentally ill and want to share.

What you have to understand is that even if you could get her released early, Paris would not take the time to glance in your direction, let alone shore up your foremast.

And Matey, if you persist in the plan, I recommend you dress your boom box as a parrot.

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