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Rumsfeld Meets Questions with Gnosticism

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Rumors have been circulating for almost a year that our troops in Iraq are not as well equipped as they should be. In the past years election maelstrom, it seems that little has been done to acknowledge the issue, let alone address it. The issue, did however come to a head Wednesday at Camp Buehring, a staging base in Kuwait.

Support, for Rumsfeld came from Col. Hannibal Smith.

The question came from Specialist Thomas Wilson, a scout with the Tennessee National Guard. "Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?" asked Specialist Wilson. An immediate roar of approval rose from the 2,300 solders present at the event.

Rumsfeld, visibly addled, answered, "You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." He also claimed at all possible efforts were being taken to produce the needed armor, "It's essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money. It isn't a matter on the part of the Army of desire. It's a matter of production and capability of doing it."

Rumsfeld’s answer has not been received well by some Democrats in Congress

Support, for Rumsfeld came from Col. Hannibal Smith. Smith, the head of an elite Special Forces unit during the Vietnam War and convicted of crimes that he did not commit, was pardoned by President Bush. “In my personal experience,” said Smith, “Scrap metal makes the best armor. My team has used it dozens of times to save us from all kinds of weapons.”

A rebuttal of Rumsfeld’s statement has come from Robert Mecredy, President of Jacksonville, Florida based Armor Holdings. Mecredy claims that he has made it clear that he is able to increase his company’s production by up to 100 units of vehicles armor per month. The makers of the trucks, AM General LLC of South Bend, Indiana also has indicated that they are capable of increasing production.

"It's the last thing I want to do, is retire," Rumsfeld said

Also, Rumsfeld’s answer has not been received well by some Democrats in Congress, such as Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut. Dodd wrote a letter to Rumsfeld criticizing his remarks. Many have said that it is time for Rumsfeld to step down, and have pointed out parallels between the equipment problems in Iraq and the equipment problems in Somalia which caused the now infamous “Black Hawk Down” incident and caused the resignation of Clinton Secretary Les Aspin, at the urging of House and Senate Republicans. However, Rumsfeld’s situation differs from Aspin’s in one important way: Rumsfeld is not going to step down. "It's the last thing I want to do, is retire," Rumsfeld said.

Rumsfeld has answered all these allegations with philosophy. At a meeting with the press corps accompanying Rumsfeld to India, he said "If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can be blown up.” Rumsfeld then produced a .50 caliber anti personal round from his pocket, and bent it like a wet noodle. “The world is illusion. If you want to make this bullet to exist, it can exist, but if you will it to not exist, it will not.” With this statement, Rumsfeld made the round disappear if by magic. He then approached one of the reporters on the scene and removed the round from his ear. “Before you can make the bullet bend, or disappear, or not kill you, you have to realize the truth. There is no bullet.” The Pentagon was not immediately available for comment on our troops skill with metaphysical imaging.

Soon they will discover that there exist only two real currencies in the world, the Yen and fellatio. Obviously, Rumsfeld is trying to give us the example of the latter. This leaves me wondering what sort of catchy tune Spike Jones would have spun regarding this matter. Maybe something like "Boom, Boom there she blows. Another body bag another orgasm for Rummy." Ok, admitted, I am not the lyrical genius that Spike Jones was. But anybody that had Billy Barty doing a Liberace imitation was an example of pure American positivism.
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