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The finger on the invisible hand

Go Ask Alice

Friday, August 26, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I like to shop at a large super store, whose logo is a red and white target. I have noticed the girls working the registers are very attractive. While they run my items over the scanner, I like to rub up against the counter until I orgasm. There is even a specific checker than looks forward to seeing me, and I find I am using her lane more and more. But because I am nervous about doing this in a public place, it takes me awhile, and I have to buy a lot of stuff. Do you have any suggestions about how I can continue to see my special checkout friend, but not go broke?

Randy H


Some people would say that you should actually ask this girl out on a date. But in my opinion, as long as you don’t stain the counter you are doing nothing wrong. You just need to relax. Have a drink or two before you go through the line. If the store sells groceries, you can probably get one right in the store. If you are careful, you won’t even have to pay for it. Just take a few quick swigs when no one is looking and slip it back on the shelf.



I have recently discovered that my community has a law against masterbating while watching two people have sex in a car. Ever since making this discovery, I have very badly wanted to do it. I have even taking to sneaking up on secluded places at night hoping to find a couple. But I haven’t been able to find anyone having sex. Is this normal?

Tony D


Are you asking me whether it is normal that no one is having sex in cars? Or are you asking me if it is normal to want to watch people have sex in a car? To address the first, car sex became less popular in the eighties as cars became smaller to conserve gasoline, but as SUVs and station wagons have come back into style, it has experienced resurgence. However, you do have to remember two things while trying to spy on people having car sex: they (usually) do not want to be discovered and because back seats are still relatively small and the discomfort of steering wheels and gearshifts, today’s car sex is usually more hurried. I knew one couple that went as far as to buy a car cover.

If you are asking is it normal to want to masturbate while watching people have sex in a car: It is actually quite common for people to want to see people naked, even having sex. As far as the car thing, it’s probably just reverse psychology. Someone told you not to do something, now you want to do it. But you should be careful, as there are risks involved in what you want to do. Semen can take the finish right off a car. Trust me, I know.


Tony D,

being a fellow appreciator of the Target flesh, I'd suggest going to check outs with girls named Danielle or Lindsey. Today, I went through Lindsey's line. I make sure to mentally map how she looked, so I can take it home and masturbate into the Target bag.

Also, you should check out some of the fine Handimart flesh. I found out by accident that you can actually get the hot cashier excited by offering to put a finger up her rectum when someone purchases cigarettes.

Now, she always looks at me when I come in, and she doesn't get upset when I stare the whole time at her backside. One day, I am going to get the courage up to stop parking on the side street and beating off, and ask her if we can go to her car for some anal probing.
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