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Bruce Willis Doesn't Support Troops

Sunday, November 13, 2005

(SNN Phoenix) Right, check it. Bruce Willis is looking to offer any civilian one million U.S. Dollars to he who turns in Osama bin Laden or Abu Zarqawi.

And this is so cool. Because Willis is an actor and he plays action hero on the films, right. But also, he is like a bald nutter with millions of dollars. Kind of a cross between Howard Hughes and Ted Nugent, but instead of wearing the gloves, the geezer has no hair. But, Willis also banged Demi, so he is crazy like a fox.

Willis also banged Demi

SO, anyway, he is an action hero who really, like, plays an actor in real life, but now he is going after bin Laden, which makes him like an action hero in real life, who is really just an actor in the movies. But is he like that Die Hard guy, who is really just an extreme of the rouge policeman cliché, or is he like that guy in the Fif Element?

Personally, I is hoping for the Fif Element guy. He is from the future and has all sorts of futuristic gizmos and what. Also, he say in one scene that his is a meat popsicle, which is way hilarious. That Die Hard guy, what his name? I forget but he's like Irish or Scotsman or something, and those people have very quick temper, they's loose cannons. That is a liability.

Anyway, that Die Hard guy, if he catches bin Laden, one of two things is going to happen. Right. Either he is going to kill bin Laden, only to have him come back alive in the last scene and take a shot at Bruce, or his brother is going to come back in the next movie and inflict major damage on New York. But if he is the Fif Element guy, he will totally blow up bin Laden like he did that Zorg geezer. At least, that's what I fink he did, as I was rounding second base at the time, if you knows what I mean. It must have ended quite racially, because I went to see that sequel the Sixth Sense, and our man was in a way different situation.

He will totally blow up bin Laden like he did that Zorg geezer

But seriously, Willis, why the tightwad? You is supposedly going to make a movie about soldiers in Iraq, and I imagine you is going to make enough to buy that gold toilet you always wanted. Why not offer the reward to soldiers as well as civilians? Really, me, if I'm out in the desert, getting paid $5 an hour to be shot in the ass capturing Osama, I think I should get a share of the loot. And I could totally do it, yeah, I watch all the kung fu movies. Me and me friend Billy, we went down to totally sign up, but they wouldn't take us because we was toking the herb as we walked in and then they's told Billy that he had the clap, but it not really the medical examination, so he had to put it away and go to the clinic.

And Bruce, on a personal note, you turned fifty this year. You should really hang up the action movie shtick. It is time fors you to start looking for your Mrs. Doutfire, or Maybe a Broadway adaption of the Bird Cage.

Robby Holmes, Weekend Entertainment Editor

Kung Fu clap like the blasto mofo you be.
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