Cervix Front Opens
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
(SNN Washington) Conservative groups are constantly fighting to stop unmarried women from having sex. Unfortunately for them, a new front has opened up in this war, the cervix.
A new vaccine due to be released next year may completely eliminate cervical cancer
A new vaccine due to be released next year may completely eliminate cervical cancer, which kills thousands of women and forces many more to receive hysterectomies. Unfortunately, with the development of this drug, only diseases such as AIDS and herpes will serve as a deterrent to doing the nasty.
The controversy lies in the wish of some to make the vaccine mandatory, like many other inoculations given at puberty. A former member of the conservative group Focus on the Family serves on the federal panel that is playing a pivotal role in deciding how the vaccine is used. Another Bush appointee on the panel belonged to the controversial right wing group Focus on Giving Everyone Cervical Cancer. But conservative activists are quick to point out that they are not being sexist, they are just limiting the reproductive freedom of anyone with a cervix.
With the specter of cervical cancer gone, the high schools of America will become nonstop orgy pits, barely recognizing the vaults of virginity they are today. Officials from the companies developing the shots Merck and GlaxoSmithKline can not wait to sink their engorged members into steaming teen flesh.
This is going to sabotage our abstinence message
"I've talked to some who have said, 'This is going to sabotage our abstinence message,' " said Gene Rudd, associate executive director of the Christian Medical and Dental Associations. "Parents should have the choice. There are those who would say, 'We can provide a better, healthier alternative than the vaccine, and that is to teach abstinence,'" Rudd said. Rudd then went on to discuss prayer as a safer alternative to root canal.
However, former Chief of Staff to Dick Cheney, Scooter Libby, has developed a method of deterring sexual activity that may be even more effective than cancer. Upon a girls tenth birthday, she would be raped by a bear. The bear would be kept aroused with a stick. The former Chief of Staff has yet to explain how one would keep a bear aroused with a stick, but he has surely put in hours of field research.