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The Danger of a War on Christmas

Monday, December 05, 2005

(SNN Scranton) Pentagon officials seem increasingly worried that the war in Christmas may detract from the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. This year it is predicted that an increasingly large number of troops will need to be deployed to protect Christmas shoppers from humbug attacks.

A $.99 Store was struck by a torpedo

Yesterday, a squad of national guardsmen needed to be sent to a Woolworth's in upstate Pennsylvania. A group was forcibly attempting to stop people from Christmas shopping. Before the troops arrived, a hostage situation had developed and over 17 shoppers had been killed. Local police realized that they were in over their heads and contacted the governor, who immediately dispatched the National Guard. This parallels an incident last week in Ohio, where a 99 Cent Store was struck by a torpedo and went down with all hands.

The Pentagon predicts that if incidents like this continue, the United States may lack the manpower to fight both the war on Christmas and the war in Iraq as early as November of 2009. Despite these projections, the Bush administration continues to claim that manpower will not be a problem, perhaps due to our loss of Afghanistan.

The War on Christmas is now a permanent fixture in the national consciousness.

But how did this war on Christmas get started? Up until a few years ago, no one believed that the war on Christmas actually existed, but thanks to the efforts of Fox News Channel, the War on Christmas is now a permanent fixture in the national consciousness. If not for the valiant efforts of FNC, most Americans would still not even be aware that this war existed. However, despite the best efforts of FNC, 55% of their own viewers think there's no problem at all.

The saddest part about the War on Christmas is the people who suffer are the little people. Because of the war on Christmas, chief executives at companies like Wal-Mart, Nordstrom, and The Home Depot may never see their Christmas bonus.


Complaints:
I don't know about a war on Christmas, but I just looked through about 1,000 boxes of Christmas cards before I actually found one that had the baby Jesus on it. Very telling, don't you think?
 
Yes, a war on Jesus would be futile. He's dead. Though I hear that, much like the villain in an action movie, he can come back to life when you least expect.
 
And Beth, thank you for stopping by our little publication. I think you'll find information here that no other news source will attempt to print.
 
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