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Man Confused about Thanksgiving

Thursday, November 24, 2005

(SNN Lansing) Today, hundred of People across the United States will celebrate the Holiday of Thanksgiving. But not everyone is sure why we do this. One of these people is Manny Mandelbrot. Today, we'll try to set the record straight for people like Manny.

Edward "Manny" Mandelbrot of Updike Michigan is confused about the meaning of the American holiday of Thanksgiving. "I seem to remember them telling us some nonsense in school about [fornicating Native Americans] helping out European settlers and keeping them from starving and stuff, but that just seems like a dumb story. And as far as that goes, I don't think Americans need any more of an excuse to stuff themselves. Maybe we should have a National day of Fasting."

Manny is correct in one thing. The Native American's were not actually helping out the Pilgrims. In reality the Pilgrims invited the Native Americans to their festival celebrating a long and difficult harvest.

The main food the Pilgrims would eat at the sort of festival was excrement of animals in the surrounding forest. The consumption of excrement is, in fact, the main reason they were forced to leave Europe. The Pilgrims weren't digging into pumpkin pie with a fork either. In the Seventeen century, it was more common to eat with chopsticks, and dessert would have consisted of fried rice noodles dipped in sweet and sour sauce.

And yes, Manny, the Native Americans were fornicating. After the first Thanksgiving, the European settlers and Native Americans participated in a gigantic orgy. Afterwards, the settlement went back to preparing for the long winter, and the Natives returned to their village and died of syphilis.

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