NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Some Still Soft on Sharks

Monday, February 13, 2006

If you've read my publication before you'll know that, more than once, I've called for a global war on sharks. Year after year we hear about sharks encroaching on our beaches. And yet, no one seems to want to do anything about it.

We've heard again and again apologetic tones of the shark supporters. It's their natural habitat. They're more scared of us. They're not even trying to attack humans, we just look like dolphins to them.

Well let me tell you this buck-oh, this guy does not look like a dolphin. And if any shark thinks he's going to attack me, he's got another thing coming. And I hear you saying, 'Ryan, you're in the landlocked state. Why would shark attacks even be an issue for you?'

Now, this is not something you're going to hear from the namby pampy shark lovers, but the sharks are working on the land thing. Recently in Australia, a man was bitten while standing in just 1 foot of water. Now let's think about that, 1 foot.

But why, you ask, haven't I heard about sharks attacking on land? The answer is simple. They have taken to the mountains of Afghanistan and joined the Taliban. How else would you explain that there were more soldiers killed in Afghanistan last week than in Iraq, over 100. This is the kind of devastating damage that you only see from the attack of the full-grown shark.

So I say to all the sharks out there, especially those of you who know how to attack people on land, bring it on. I have a harpoon gun, and I know how to use it.

Opinions, Dr. Ryan Maynard, NewsBlog 5000

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