(SNN Boston) Today, scientists released a report that may change the timeline of human evolution. The timeline suggests that human ancestors had hot monkey love with chimpanzees.

The report, based on newly available evidence estimated that the human/chimpanzee split was at least one million years later than previously estimated. In addition, they also had hot monkey love. ''Something very unusual happened," said David Reich, one of the report's authors.

The suggestion of interbreeding was met with skepticism by paleontologists, who usually don't go in for that sort of thing. But how are they going to know if they don’t like monkeys unless they try them. Not all scientists are so closed minded to the idea of monkey sex. ''I find this terrifically exciting and important work," said David Pilbeam, a Harvard paleontologist, and very, very sick man.

But some say that interspecies breeding is unnatural, especially after the President's harsh words on human-animal hybrids. They point out the new grizzly-polar bear hybrid as a dangerous freak of nature. These people are obviously closet self-loathers. We wouldn't think that these bears were so scary if we'd already interbred with the polar bear. But guys, if you go out trolling the bars looking for polar bears, remember your foreplay, this is one female you don't want to leave hanging.

The science behind this new discovery is very complex. Blah blah blah DNA blah blah blah common ancestor blah blah blah divergence times blah blah blah millions of years. Blah blah blah X chromosome blah blah blah fertility problems blah blah blah chimpanzee. Blah blah blah hybridization blah blah blah hot monkey love.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Thursday, May 18, 2006