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Go Ask Alice

Friday, September 02, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I had a friend who was attracted to only women that looked like his mom. She is short, flat chested, and girlish looking. His porn collection and “standards” of beauty all revolve around this mom look. What scares me is his mom is often mistaken as being a young boy. Does this mean my ex-friend is gay?

Toby C


I find the best way to determine if someone is gay is if they have sex with men. No, your "friend" is probably not gay, just obsessed with his mother. This behavior is actually more typical that you think. In his mind, your friend has an idealized version of his mother that she could never live up to. I think it would be for the best if your friend slept with his mother. He could get it out of his system, and his idealized image would fade. Or, they would really enjoy it and start a really sick incestuous relationship.


Dear Alice,

I am a thirty something student going to a community college and was not prepared for the alluring way the girls dress now days. During my days of attending school, modesty was the standard. Now, I don’t even have to use my imagination, and I find that I am highly disappointed. It really takes the fun out of undressing a girl with your eyes when you can see all she offers even the outline of her labia. I find that it is even affecting my masturbation fantasies preventing me from achieving release. How can I get a satisfying eyeful and get off too?

Stan D


Perhaps it's time you consider masturbating to women your own age. If you go to any local shopping mall on a weekday you should be able to find any number of young trophy wives spending the money of their husbands, who they despise. Because they despise their husbands, you may even get lucky. If you still insist on masturbating to your younger classmates, wear dark glasses to all of your classes obscuring the outlines of their nubile labia, perhaps even glasses that are entirely opaque. If you are more stimulated by women who are covered up, perhaps you will be even more stimulated by women who you can not see. Also, maybe you could consider joining an Amish community.


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