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Go Ask Alice

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?

We had to do some censoring of this week's go ask Alice. We are sorry for any inconvenience – Ryan Maynard, Editor


I have a new boyfriend who loves me to talk naughty during sex. The problem is that I can't think of anything to say other than "harder" and "yeah". Personally, I think that "making love" is a beautiful action between two people that must never be desecrated by impure words.

Amy K


Here are some phrases I think will come in handy for you.
… me like you … my sister.
Stick that huge … in my tight …
This means I get an A in history?
Get on your knees and … my … you little …
I'm going to … you better than your mother ever could.
… me like you … your cow.
Come on, I could … better than that when I was a man.
Make sure the camera gets the money shot



I met this girl last year and we really hit it off. I approached her several times about having sex, but she always said no. Well, we haven't seen each other for a few months, and yesterday, I ran into her and she said that she wants to have sex now. I feel kind of ackward. I don't just have sex unless i'm real horny or in love or something. It's just that i don't know what to do.

Tim J


You should tell her that you have discovered that you are gay. And, oh yes, you are gay.



I have noticed that if you have a harder letter, you tend to just tell one of the participants that they are gay and move on to your next letter.

Steve E


You have discovered my deep dark secret. Why don't you go brag about it to your boyfriend?



My husband of six years is ignoring me. We haven't had sex for 5 – 10 months. I thought he was too busy at work or too tired. Lately, I have been nagging him to have sex with me and he has gotten rude. Our relationship has become unbearable. He says he still likes me as a person, but I am scared.

Emma P


During a relationship, especially over six years, people develop different tastes and needs. Your husband is probably just looking for something that he thinks you can not give him. It is probably respect, admiration, or an eighteen year old cheerleader. I bet at least one of those things will reawaken his interest in sex. Oh, or he may just be gay.


Come on, all sing along:

He's gay gay gay gay
gay gay
gay gay gay gay
gay gay
gay gay gay gay
gay gay...

The root of everyone's problem is that someone else is fuckin' gay!!!

{sponsored by the Church Of Latter Day Salesmen}
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