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Skippy Wears Shoes

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Several people have asked me, 'Where is Skippy Does it All? Have you stopped writing?' Never fear. I have not been writing because I have been spending the past few weeks on an investigative report where I wear a new pair of shoes.

Now, I know you're going to say, 'Skippy, everyone buys shoes.' But when I bought this last pair of name brand shoes at a popular mall store, both of which would prefer to remain nameless, my feet never felt so good, my outlook on life improved, and I had an unbelievable spring in my step.

I wore my shoes for two weeks, for work and play, and they still felt marvelous. I was about to sit down and write my special report when I was kidnapped by two members of a Columbian drug syndicate. It turns out that each of my name brand shoes contained a kilo of uncut cocaine.

It turns out the shoes, once made in Holland are now made in South America. So the Columbians, looking for a more efficient way to ship their merchandise into the US, were replacing the comfortable spongy inner soles with comfortable spongy cocaine. The cocaine shoes go to cartel agents in the US, the real shoes go to shoe stores. Somehow, there was a mistake in the shipment.

Originally, the Columbians were simply going to cut off my feet. However, they recognized me from the article I wrote saying that the United States should invade Brazil. Apparently, they also think the Brazilians are a bunch of dicks. So they kidnapped my instead and ransomed me back to Dr. Maynard.

The trade was set. The location would be a maple syrup factory just outside of Toronto. Dr. Maynard was flying up to do the job, and the Columbians said "No cops." I was tied down on a conveyor belt, and a part of my anatomy was tied to ten bottles of maple syrup. If anything went wrong, I was going to experience the other type of Toronto Tug Job.

Now, Dr. Maynard is my boss, so I don't want to criticize him, but as I said the Columbians said "No cops." And I mean no disrespect to the RCMP when I say that bright red coats are rather easy to see from a distance. Let's just say that despite being saved at the last minute, a part of my anatomy is a little longer than it used to be. However, I needed to by some new pants anyway.

However, they say that all's well that ends well. Dr. Maynard is holding on to my thirty year salary advance for safekeeping. No members of the RCMP were harmed. And people tell me that I look better being three inches taller, but I still have rope burns around my ankles.

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