NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Editor’s Note: A Time for Change

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Today Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed by an American airstrike. While Al-Queda says that they will take vengeance on the United States for killing him, I say they should let it go. Al-Zarqawi is no great hero. Al-Zarqawi had been living like a coward in a safehouse hidden in a thick grove of palm trees.

You can rest assured that if there is ever a $25 million bounty on my head, I will not hide like a rat. Although, I have to admit that it is unlikely, as my current bounty stands at a mere $247,000.

So, I’d just like to say to those members of al-Queda in Iraq, “You should put down those guns, or rather sell them, and start following me.” If you think the Islamic afterlife is something to work for, let me show you the land of milk and honey that is the free market economy. And if you think a few dozen virgins is worth dying for, just wait until you get your hands on a pro.

The death of Al-Qaeda’s Iraq leader will mean many things to many people. But I am not going to focus on those that say the war has turned a corner or those predicting more violence.

No, I’m here today to talk about something much more important--myself. The biggest thing the death of al-Zarqawi will mean to me is the end of several boycotts that I have enacted. And I am sure that distributors of New Balance shoes, black robes and AK-47s will agree.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going shopping.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Did Zarqawi have one leg or two legs? If two, then Allah truly is great, for Dear Leader's Negro General said that Zarqawi went to Baghdad to have a leg amputated back in the 1990's! All praise Allah, who grew Zarqawi's leg back!

- Badtux the Snarky Penguin
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