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Superman is not Gay

Sunday, June 11, 2006

(SNN Los Angeles) The director of the new movie, "Superman Returns" issued a strong denial of Friday saying Superman was the most Heterosexual Character he had ever filmed.

The Advocate, a gay magazine, ran a story with the headline "How Gay is Superman." The LA Times ran a story on whether altering Superman's sexuality would help or hinder box office receipts.

Superman "is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I've ever made," said director Bryan Singer. "I don't think he's ever been gay." And DC Comics President Paul Levitz says he is confused on how the rumors started, "We were all scratching our heads. He's not a gay character."

But where do these rumors come from? Many people believe that Superman is gay because he wears bright blue tights. Also, Superman was known to be very wild in the 70s, experimenting with drugs and bisexuality. It is believed that Superman had not only gay experiences, but fairly serious gay relationships with musicians, including members of the Rolling Stones.

On May 4, 1990, Angela Bowie went on "The Joan Rivers Show" and claimed that she had found her ex-husband, David Bowie, naked in bed with Mick Jagger and Superman. David Bowie has long since acknowledged his homosexuality, but Mick Jagger and Superman have not made any such revelations. Mick Jagger was quick to dismiss the whole thing as ''complete rubbish,'' and a public letter from David Bowie's lawyer stated that any ''implication that there was ever a gay affair between Mick Jagger, Superman and David Bowie is an absolute fabrication." On a May 11 "Geraldo" appearance Angela Bowie backpedaled: ''I certainly didn't catch anyone in the act. All I found were people sleeping in my bed."

Recently in a Seattle wine bar, Superman disappeared into the bathroom with Steve Ballmer for what was considered and excessive amount of time. At the time, most people assumed they were just snorting cocaine.

Oh come on. Superman is *OBVIOUSLY* a top!

- Badtux the Observant Penguin
Hmmm, I don't care if he's gay or straight. I remain concerned that he is asexual, which seems very sad, on the one hand. On the other hand, he is rumored to weigh a LOT, so if he ever assumed the missionary position during sexual intercourse, his partner would probably be squashed to death. You might think that this problem could be remedied if the female were on top but let me assure you that any female over 30 who has accidentally or deliberately looked at her face in a mirror when bending over toward the floor, knows that everything falls forward and makes you look about twenty years older than you actually are. I, for one, will never again be on top if the lights are on or if a window is letting in light, or if candles are lit, or if the guy has a giant flashlight which he pulls out from under the mattress at a crucial moment. Or at any other time when it is even remotely possible that the individual I am on top of will see my face looming over him. And sagging. Because I am vain.
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