NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Editor's Note: Married Gay Flag Burners

Monday, June 05, 2006

Earlier today, a Christian was thrown to the lions. However, unlike historical references to this sort of incident, the man in question threw himself to the lions. As he went in, he was shouting, "God will save me, if he exists." There is a lesson to be learned from this man's sacrifice. Jesus may love you, but he loves the ideal of personal responsibility even more.

And just like Jesus, you can't expect the government to solve all your problems. If you are can't make your car payment or your house payment, maybe it's time to get a better job. The economy is booming right now, and there are more jobs in the service industry than ever. Fortunately, there are some problems the government can solve, with a little push from us. And those problems are homosexuals wanting to get married, and people who want to burn the flag, who are also probably homosexuals, or even worse liberals.

Fortunately for us, the President is going to speak up about gay marriage and flag burning. It is sad that he has not had time to speak about these issues since the last election, but there is a war on and a man can only do so much in 20 hours a week. While they have been over 11,000 attempts to make burning the flag illegal, I'm hoping that maybe this time will be the time the Republicans can really pull it off.

If there's one thing I know, it is that the bible strictly defines marriage as a union between a man who believes in god and a woman who is a virgin, the man's legal concubines, and if no other men are available, his daughters. Because this is in the bible, it has to be added to the constitution. Good news for gay men though, I do not believe it says anywhere that you cannot own male concubines. Also, this grey area of concubines can come in handy for men in stressed relationships, as divorce is strictly forbidden. It also says that a woman who tries to get married, but is not a virgin should be stones. However, I am still strictly against the use of marijuana. Perhaps we could substitute OxyContin.

And if you know me, you will know where I stand on flag burning. I firmly believe that flags should be made of flame retardant material. However, I did not always think this way. When I was young and pragmatic, I used to think that flags should be made of some sort of highly explosive material, like napalm, that would engulf the would-be flag burner in flaming death. I know some of you may think it makes me soft to change my mind on an issue, but my core beliefs have not changed. It does not matter if you are hanging the flag proudly in your front yard under your confederate or Texas flag, wearing it on your chili stained shirt, or merely airbrushing it on the side of your motorcycle. What is important is that we should respect the flag and all that it stands for-conservative ideals.

But what is really being missed here is that there are more important issues to worry about. Now I believe that some homosexuals, anarchists and atheists want to castrate Christians and sauté and eat those holy Rocky Mountain oysters. It is time for a constitutional amendment to ban forced castration and testicular consumption of Christian men. Now some people say that such an amendment would be going too far, but I for one value the culture of keeping my balls. Anyone who wouldn't support such an amendment is someone who does not have the welfare and safety of the American people at heart, and is even perhaps a closetted ball gobbler themselves.

So America, vote for whomever you want. But make sure the person you vote for values our flag, values the sanctity of marriage, values values, and will spend some time giving serious lip service to my balls.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

You mean there is not one politician out there that cares about my balls? Shit, I bet they'd care about my balls in Canada. That Canadian Mountie, the female one, is soooooo hot!
Ok, I called around to my local representatives. I even called across the border and got an MP. The lackeys of my representatives thought I was joking, but the MP's office put me through to the MP.

Quote: "I care about all the parts of people. No, I will not set you up with a member of the RCMP. Come up here and ask her yourself. Her phone number is..."

Now that is service.

And if the Mountie falls through, there is always VanCoover pot girl!!!
Mr. Igotballstoo

Good luck on your endeavor. And if both of your prospects fall through, may I suggest a Russian bride. They come from hearty stock, are affordable, and if you get a little older one, they are trained in espionage from the cradle. This comes in quite handy when you are up for that big promotion.
You forgot the downside of Russian brides, Dr. Maynard. They only know how to cook boiled potatos, boiled turnips, and boiled grey mystery meat, all served on crusty weevil-laden bread slathered with mayonaisse. And if the Constitution is amended to enforce the Bible's views of a woman's place (i.e., in the home), that means that igotballstoo would be eating out a lot, preferably with his non-Russian mistress.

I recommend one of those Mexican girls as the non-Russian mistress. Until they start getting fat around age 17, they're pretty hot. Oh sure, I realize that this means that Mexican girls have only three years (ages 14 through 17) where they're really hot, but look, there's always more south of the border once your current Mexican mistress starts looking more like a burro than like a chiquita. Just go down south of the border in a car with a trunk, open your trunk, and wave a $20 bill around. You'll have a Mexican mistress bundled in there before you can say "Arriba! Arriba! Undelay! Arriba!". Or else a bundle of marijuana will get tossed into your trunk. Hmm, I suppose smoking the marijuana would solve the grey mystery meat and mayonnaise problem too, since I understand (not from personal experience, mind you!) that partaking of the herb makes even dirty socks seem appetizing...

- Badtux the Wise Penguin
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