5000 Salutes: Candidate James Hill
Friday, August 25, 2006
NewsBlog 5000 would like to set aside this time to recognize a great American Hero: James Hill, candidate for Iowa's First District.
Candidate Hill is a self described "Drunken Pirate" who decided to take a stand against the "false Christians and trained Monkeys." The candidate also expresses dissatisfaction with "Make-up Wearing Robots."
James has already given an idea of what we could expect from a man like him in Congress. "I would have your wife right in front of you. I would smoke the last of your glaucoma medication. Then I will surely drink your liquor cabinet dry." He also promises that if he ever rides in a limo, his constituents can beat him with a chain.
However, Hill does believe that he has some qualities that would set him aside from other candidates. The candidate proclaims that he "will never break an oath to uphold the public trust." And this is where the traditional parties break with Hill. A lack of oath breaking is a concept that remains untested in modern politics and one that some people find dangerous and offensive.
Despite his extreme beliefs about honesty and accountability, NewsBlog 5000 hereby endorses the candidacy of James Hill for Iowa's First District, wherever that is. This is mostly because we expect that if elected, he will have to ride in a limo sooner or later, and we want to see the ass whooping.
James Hill has already been endorsed by GOROGYL, the Greater Association of Righteous Gun Owning Young Lesbians.