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Skippy Shops for Stemware

Monday, August 28, 2006

When I originally went to our local store that sells bedroom items, bathroom items, and various other items, I did not know I would end up writing a column about it.

I originally went to the store to buy some high quality plastic stemware. After an exhaustive search of the kitchen section, I had found stemware in the style that I wanted, but only in blue or orange. I spotted a manager and asked him if he had any of the high quality green stuff in plastics.

I admit, I should have known something was amiss when he asked me to meet him behind the store dumpsters. Unfortunately, it did not occur to me at the time. But I soon found myself being confronted by an assistant store manager waving a plastic bag filled with an ounce of marijuana in my face. This is where it got weird.

I lit up a cigarette and examined his product. As I did not want to hurt his feelings I told him that I was not in the market, but that it looked like very nice marijuana. He then informed me that there was no smoking on company property and started beating me with a Rosle Vegetable Spoon ($19.99).

Being stunned by the treatment of the assistant manager, I dropped my cigarette. At the point, he yelled, “HA HA” and threw it into the dumpster. My eyes must have followed the cigarette, because I saw in the dumpster a set of green plastic stemware that must have been partially damaged and were now partially on fire.

I grabbed out the box and made a run from the assistant manager, who was now yelling, “That’s company property,” as he swung his Rosle Vegetable Spoon at me. Now, I don’t know if it had more to do with how the fire was fanned by my running with the plastic glasses or by the shape of the stemware, but glasses started to explode out of the box I was holding like Roman candles. This attracted the attention of some police officers. What then ensued could only be described as a Benny-Hill-esque chase through the parking lot.

From now on I plan to do more shopping online.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


Complaints:
Dude,

You're fucked up but in a good way.

The Diddler
 
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