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Editor’s Note: Family Ties

Monday, February 26, 2007

Recently we have heard revelations that members of Strom Thurmond’s family once owned members of the Reverend Al Sharpton’s family. Sharpton claimed to be shocked by the revelation, but it is hardly surprising. At one point, members of Strom Thurmond’s family actually owned over eighty percent of the African slaves in the United States.

This revelation got me interested in my own family history. And after extensive research, I can now honestly say that I am a Beetch.

Sir Alfred Ezekiel Beetch III was my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandfather. Beetch was at one time the most successful gentlemen’s shop owner in all of London. Wealthy young gentlemen would refer to shopping in London as “checking out the Beetchs’.” Beetch was also famous for dueling, challenging his detractors to duals with a slap of his gloves.

However, Beetch’s legacy did not live on, due to the cruelty of his two sons, Alfred IV and Stephen, who were best known for beating up children and serial rape. The entire line was ended as a result of the actions of the two dangerous sons of Beetch’s. Fortunately, I am not descended from either of them, but from Beetch’s daughter, Charity, who went on to marry Victorian industrialist Nimrod Coke Suker.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000

No, you are confused. You directly descend from Ima Beeg Bube. You are a boob!
Is she one of the New Hampshire Bubes? Or perhaps the Philadelphia Bubes?
No, silly, that's the Crawford, TX, Bubes.
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