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Monday, July 23, 2007


Surgeon General Candidate has Rectal Knowledge

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

(SNN Washington) President Bush’s nominee for Surgeon General, James Holsinger took fire over a paper written in 1991 for the United Methodist Church.

The paper was called the “Pathophysiology of Male Homosexuality.” One piece of evidence used by the paper was the fact that the anus is not self-lubricating. It is surprising a White House nominee understands the minutia of his appointed position in such great, scientific detail. Holsinger also pointed out that pipe fittings came in male and female variety, showing his versatility and suitability to also handle the coveted post of Secretary of Drains and Fixtures.

Other papers written by Holsinger suggests he believes stem cell research will lead to gigantic killer half-human half-jackrabit mutants, teenagers can be talked into not having sex, and abortion clinics will one day be struck down by the fist of an angered god.

It will most likely be revealed that Holsinger snorts massive amounts of crank while sodomizing young, male prostitutes with a crucifix. Most likely this revelation will come a few days after he is confirmed.


Missouri Governor Signs Bill

Thursday, July 12, 2007

(SNN Jefferson City) Friday, Gov. Matt Blunt signed legislation classifying abortion clinics as surgical centers.

This is a brave piece of legislation for a Republican Governor. By passing this legislation, Blunt is saying that his administration approves of industries are regulated by government. The bill also bans abortion-providing agencies from providing free sex education materials in Missouri schools, on the presumption that they will give incorrect information in the hopes of drumming up business.

However, not everyone is happy with this brave new direction. “Essentially, what Governor Blunt and the legislature are doing is saying that teens need to be protected from information, not from sexually transmitted infections or unintended pregnancies,” said Peter Brownlie, chief executive officer of Planned Parenthood of Kansas and Mid-Missouri. However, Mr. Brownlie is forgetting two important clichés. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts.

Planned Parenthood said the law could prompt renovations costing as much as $2 million at its Columbia clinic, which performs 600 to 700 abortions a year. A Kansas City office, which offers only abortions induced by medication, would probably quit doing so to avoid renovation costs.

To show his voters that he had their best interests at heart, Blunt signed the bill in a Baptist church. To the joy on onlookers, he managed to sign his name to the bill with eighty percent accuracy.

This new law puts Missouri back in the running for the coveted “Most Embarrassing State” award. Nevertheless, it likely will take something even more backwards to knock Mississippi out of the number one slot. Perhaps if Matt Blunt actually ran the state government from a Baptist church, wore bibbers, and spat tobacco at his underlings, they could have a chance at the title.


Editor’s Note: Gupta is no Sicko

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Yesterday on CNN, Michael Moore accused Dr. Sanjay Gupta of being little more than a paid shill of the pharmaceutical industry. Wolf Blitzer contended that Dr. Gupta was a well-respected journalist and surgeon.

It is impossible that anyone would think Gupta is a paid shill. Due to my advanced weight, I spend a significant time in the doctor’s office. In that office is a kiosk paid for by a pharmaceutical company that plays snips of Sanjay Gupta followed by commercials on what drugs to take to fix the condition he has just explained. Gupta does not do the commercials himself; there is clear separation. While I don’t know this for a fact, I’m sure Gupta does this out of a sense of service to the community and takes no money from the pharmaceutical company.

What Moore fails to understand is that Gupta is also unimpeachable as a doctor because he is on CNN. That kind of face time is worth much more than a bunch of living patients. He was a neurosurgeon. Now, I’ve never poked around in a brain, but I have seen Hannibal. I’m pretty sure that anyone who could cut open someone’s head is capable of anything. However, Gupta was such a good neurosurgeon that he was bumped up to being a journalist. As a journalist myself, I can assure you anyone who calls themselves a journalist is at least ten times smarter than a neurosurgeon and the same goes for the President.

Moore then wasted Blitzer’s time by complaining that Blitzer didn’t do enough to inform the public about Weapons of Mass Destruction. Mr. Moore should get on board with that fact that we didn’t go to Iraq because they had Weapons of Mass Destruction, but because we needed to restore peace and order to the lives of the Iraqi people.

Moore and Blitzer should have discussed the successes of America’s medical system. The reason our system looks average is that they are looking at averages. There is no better country on earth at extending the life of those who can pay. Sure a few poor people might have to die so that rich person can life another year, but that is just capitalism at work.

Finally, I’d like to remind you that Moore is tremendously fat. He is the reason why there is so much strain on our health system. Yes, Moore personally. He just doesn’t want to use his millions to pay his doctor’s bills.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Bush Actions to aid Hamas

Thursday, July 05, 2007

All the Federales, they say They could have had him any day They only let him slip a-away Out of kindness I suppose

(SNN Washington) Mohammed Salah was convicted on a single obstruction of justice charge in February. He was allegedly supporting Hamas’s terror campaigns in the Middle East. Now with the help of President Bush, Salah is hoping for probation.

Because the crimes Libby was supposed to have covered up remain unproven, Bush explained that Libby’s sentence was “excessive.” By extension, a number of white collar criminals may want to take advantage of the Executive opinion.

"Clearly, every criminal defense lawyer who practices in the white collar arena is asking him or herself - why shouldn't my client have this same privilege?" observered White Collar Crime Prof Blog. This statement cause many observers to say, “Holy Shit! There’s a White Collar Crime Prof Blog? Is there anything that hasn’t been blogged about? Anything?”

While technically, Bush’s words do not make a legal precedent, many people have observed that Bush’s actions are petty, partisan and ill-informed, making them worthy of most district court judges appointed by Bush’s administration.


Bush Commutes Libby Sentence

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

(SNN Washington) Monday, President Bush eliminated the 2 ½ year prison penalty from I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby’s sentence.

Bush made the decision to commute the sentence just five hours after federal appeals panel ruled that Libby would have to serve out his prison sentence while waiting for an appeal, thus wasting their time.

Bush said “the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive.” This is keeping with Bush’s policies in Texas where he commuted dozens of death penalty cases because his is a sensitive Christian, unable to let anyone server too harsh a penalty. Excuse me, I was having an acid flashback just there.

Most of the reason the President commuted Libby’s sentence is simply stated: Libby lacks the mental abilities to be held culpable for his indiscretions. First, he is a grown man who calls himself “Scooter”, and let’s face it, the words, “Hi, they call me Scooter,” never got anyone any trim. Second, Scooter risked everything to protect Dick Cheney, a man who is arguably less popular than Hitler.

The last reason Bush commuted the sentence is more complex, and gives us an interesting insight into the President’s thinking process. The President himself has difficulty finishing sentences. To him, the idea of a sentence that lasted more than two years was unthinkable.