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Editor’s Note: The War on Gibson

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mel Gibson has been forced to apologize for allegedly acting “completely out of control” during a run in with Los Angeles County deputies. The brilliant actor was supposedly drunk and spat anti-Semitic comments.

This is typical of the way that the Zionist movement discredits great Christian Americans. Mel Gibson is completely sane and does not have a anti-Semitic bone in his body.

Gibson reportedly said that “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.” While this may not be true in a historical context, it technically applies to every war that was started after the Jews murdered the lord Jesus.

This whole incident is obviously a setup by powerful Jewish entertainment lawyers and liberals who do not want to see Gibson make another movie. Who knows what horrors Gibson would visit upon the Jewish world if he were allowed to continue, a movie about Jesus’ forerunners Moses or Abraham perhaps?

Even if Gibson’s comments were true, normally celebrities get off saying and doing almost anything they want. But Hollywood is a strange land where Woody Allen is allowed to make movies after sleeping with his stepdaughters, they follow the cultish pseudo-religion of Global Warming and despite all the rules in the Old Testament, Barbara Streisand has not been stoned to death.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Harris want people to Stop Comparing her to Stalin

Saturday, July 29, 2006

(SNN Tampa) Congresswoman Katherine Harris has demanded an apology from Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean for comparing her to Stalin.

In a speech to Democratic business leaders in West Palm Beach, Dean said Bill Nelson would "beat the pants off Katherine Harris, who didn't understand that it is ethically improper to be the chairman of a campaign and count the votes at the same time. This is not Russia and she is not Stalin."

However, after hearing the statement that Dean made, it is quite obvious that Dean merely made two true observations. West Palm Beach is not Russian. Katherine Harris is not Stalin.

Some say that Harris should have welcomed the clarification, as she is often confused with Stalin. This came to a head in the 2003 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica, where Harris's picture was used in place of Stalin's. However, Harris has had much less trouble with this issue since shaving her moustache.


Quality Reporting

Saturday, July 29, 2006

In this new feature, we showcase a reporter from another news organization that we believe has the spirit and quality exemplified by NewsBlog 5000.

Found in the Washington Post:

At Bolton Hearing, Some Unnatural Phenomena

By Dana Milbank

It would be no exaggeration to say that yesterday's confirmation hearing for John Bolton as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations was a washout.

Three hours into the dreary and desultory proceedings of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, a torrent of water began to pour from light fixtures in the ceiling, creating a waterfall between the nominee and the senators.

"We seem to have a little distraction," Bolton observed.

Congressional and State Department aides hurried to put trash cans under the leak, but the gusher spread toward the stenographer, causing puddles in the carpet and ultimately dripping on Sen. Barack Obama, who fled his seat.

"I just felt something come down on me," the Illinois Democrat declared.

"You can come and sit with me," Bolton offered.

"Let's hope it's rainwater and not something else," said Sen. Bill Nelson (D-Fla.).

It turns out a hot-water pipe had burst in the women's locker room of a fitness center two stories above the hearing room. The resulting downpour provided a stream of cracks -- "before we get rained out . . . keep the buckets coming . . . this is a form of transparency" -- until Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) entered the room and declared in solemn tones that he would be making no remarks about the leak.

"All the comments have been made about the flood," he announced. That ended the fun before some of the best puns could be made.

Such as "Bolton's in hot water now."

Or "Hope this leak isn't classified."

As it happens, the cascade provided a fitting coda for a hearing in which both sides seemed to be suggesting that the administration's foreign policy -- at least the one unveiled during President Bush's first term -- was all washed up.


Quote of the Day

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

When it comes to drug-dealing, you’re only limited by your imagination.
Gregory Lee, retired supervisory special agent of the Drug Enforcement Agency


Iranians Eager to Fight Israelis

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

(SNN Tehran) More than sixth Iranian volunteers of all ages have volunteered to go fight for Hezbollah. The group is planning to reach Lebanon via Syria by this weekend.

Volunteers pray that they will get into the Big Brother house

Turkey has not yet announced if they will let the Iranian men come though their country. However, the men plan to travel unarmed.

"We are just the first wave of Islamic warriors from Iran," said Amir Jalilinejad, chairman of the group that helped recruit the fighters. Considering that the wave consists of sixty unarmed men some of them as old as 72 and wearing flip flops, it may be doubtful that the Israeli military is impressed.

There is a danger that the trend may catch on among Iranian men. Some estimates say that as many as 800,000 may join the group, and bring with them tanks, air power, and a small navy.

"God made this decision for me," said Honavi, one of the oldest volunteers. "I still have fight left in me for a holy war." God declined to comment on any counseling Honavi may have received.

Sadly, at least thirty of the sixty believe that they are auditioning for Big Brother Mashhad.


Editor's Note: Say No To Censorship

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Today we obtained information that a member of Congress is trying to block access to a website called Goatse. While we do not have time to research the story, it may be something you want to look into.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Something Happens or Doesn't

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

(SNN Somewhere) Citing national security, somebody threw out a thing aimed at blocking some company from giving things to something for use in the War on Thingy.

U.S. Something Something Something Somebody said that his or her something "is persuaded that requiring" somebody to confirm or deny something.

A number of such thingys have been filed around somewhere in the wage of somebody saying something they shouldn't have.

The Somewhere Civil Something Union argued that the thing that is secret was no longer secret because of somebody saying something they shouldn't have. This is in line with Somebody Somewhere who said media reports of something were so widespread there was no danger of something.

Somebody's somethings argued that it would violate something against divulging something for somebody to say whether something.


Editor's Note: Democrat Rape Scandal

Monday, July 24, 2006

Now, I've made it no mystery that I am a fan of the mail order bride. In fact, I think it is the best example of how outsourcing can make the life of average Americans better. So we come to Maryland Democrat David B. Dickerson. Dickerson is running for U.S. Senate in the upcoming primary and allegedly regularly beats and rapes his Latvian wife.

All You Need to Know


U.S. Senate

Spousal Abuse

White Slavery

Harry Reid


I don't want anyone to mistake what I am saying. My Russian wife Milika and I have a different sort of understanding. I do my fair share of housework and she helps around the office. This is mainly because the KGB taught her 17 ways to kill a man without weapons, 21 if you don't count toothpicks as weapons.

Now I'm a firm supporter of women's lib. In fact I celebrate the entire 'Girls Gone Wild' catalog. But a wife's place is in the home, especially if her husband was nice enough to bring that woman to the United States in exchange for being his sex slave.

I would also like to point out that as far as I know, Harry Reid is not a sexual deviant.

Now some of you are going to point out that Dickerson basically ran for office because he was unemployed, and had nothing else to do, or that his is coming in with less than one percent of the primary. But I think the important things to remember here are Democrat, U.S. Senate, Spousal Abuse, White Slavery, Harry Reid, and Rapist.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Straight Dogs and Gay Penguins

Friday, July 21, 2006

(SNN Colorado Springs) Tuesday, Focus on the Family launched a new website. On that website, they introduced Sherman, a basset hound who can bark. "Dogs aren't born mooing, and people aren't born gay," a Focus news release stated.

But this is where they're wrong. Debbie is a three year old springer spaniel from Denver. When Debbie was four months old, she was watching the Showtime series "Queer as Folk" when she started to moo. "It's really quite amazing," says Debbie's owner, Karen Sinatra. "But I think that maybe it is partially my fault for exposing Debbie to lifestyles outside of the social norm.

The site also features the story of Manhattan's gay penguins, Silo and Roy. A few years ago, these penguins started "hanging around" each other. They were touted in the national media as the "most famous gay penguin couple". Then a female penguin was introduced into the equation, and Silo dumped Roy. Now if these were people ending a homosexual relationship instead of penguins, Silo would have a F350 and five kids and Roy would have taken his own life.


Editor's Note: Big Dig Brother

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The most liberal state in the country has done it again. Not only did they make the "Big Dig" the most corrupt project in American History, but now Gov. Mitt Romney is playing nanny by shutting down Ted Danson Tunnel.

Now I know what you're going to say. 'Dr. Maynard, Mitt Romney is a Republican. He's on our team.' And I would reply, 'Shut up, this is my editorial.' You see, there are many types of Republican. In Massachusetts they can be liberals. In Texas, they can even be Hispanic, as long as they don't run for office. And in Connecticut, they can be Republicans.

So, a woman was killed when a giant chunk of concrete smashed her car. I say so what. Put up some enter at your own risk signs and there will be more lanes for those of us with armored hummers. Better yet, don't put up the warning signs. It would be a good way to weed out un-American people who drive economy cars.

I should mention that this would not be the week for me to drive down there. My hummer is in the shop, while they are installing a .50 caliber machine gun on top. God Bless the 2nd amendment.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Americans still confused about the Middle East

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

(SNN New York) In a commentary today, Lou Dobbs called Americans stupid, a position that is difficult to argue with Dobbs.

Americans consider the Middle East a confusing place where everyone tries to kill each other. While this is true in many ways, it also has a bad side. It is not just everyday people going crazy and trying to kill each other, like in Firefly. It is about people finding religion and trying to kill each other, like in Texas.

Dobbs also points out what he sees as dissonance between the two dominant American positions. One, that Hezbollah should “stop doing this shit”. And Two, that Israel could be a little less aggressive in its self defense.

Israel is currently rolling tanks into Lebanon, and Hezbollah has fired a cruise missile. It’s all fun and games until the terrorists have cruise missiles. Perhaps both groups could stand to chill out a little, or perhaps quite a bit.

Dobbs then goes on to criticize the media for reporting on the loss of a few lives in Lebanon while thousands have already died this year in Iraq. He then goes on to say that Americans have no sense of proportion.

But perhaps it is Dobbs that has a perspective problem. Dobbs fails to mention the heat wave that is sweeping across the United States. People have even been asked to conserve their power usage. Some have complained about sweating. "I was out shopping, but I couldn't take it any more," said Jessica Blue, 54. "I'm sick of sweating."


Editor's Note: Get Out of Town

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

While I was stuck at home all weekend trying to figure out this whole North Korean thing, apparently all hell broke loose in the Middle East. Now there's no way I can expense my model of the Taepodong II.

With the impending destruction of Lebanon, the United States is dutifully evacuating all its citizens. However, some liberals are complaining that the US government may charge its citizens $300 to be evacuated. I contend that $300 might be a lot of money in Beirut, but in the USA it's nothing. I spent that much on my last iPod accessory.

Seriously, what American sits at home in the comfort of their reclining couch drinking a cold beer and thinks, 'I think I'm going to vacation in Beirut this year.' Ok, maybe it does depend on how many beers they've put down. And why would someone go to a Lebanese University to study Arabic, when we give out student Visas like candy. This is America. The Arabic speakers should want to come here.

I think that if you want to live in a foreign country, you should have to pay a deposit. The world is currently so volatile that you can expect to be evacuated from just about any country you can imagine, except for possibly England and of course Iraq, which gets safer by the day.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


A Word from our Sponsors

Monday, July 17, 2006


Israel Softens Position

Monday, July 17, 2006

(SNN Beirut) Israel's Prime Minister, Ehud Olmert said Monday that fighting in Lebanon could end once it's conditions are met. However, Olmert said Israel would have no mercy on those who had attacked its cities.

When Hezbollah kidnapped two Israeli soldiers, Olmert said "We are not looking for war or direct conflict, but if necessary, we will not be frightened by it." Olmert then went on to demonstrate that "not being frightened" was defined by "bombing the crap out of anything that moved."

Israeli officials have said publicly that Israel would not stop fighting until Hezbollah, a Shiite militia that controls much of south Lebanon, is dismantled. However, on Monday, Olmert said Hezbollah should merely be moved away from the border and forced to eat pork sandwiches.


Editor's Note: America can look forward to Summer

Friday, July 14, 2006

Israel is starting World War III and gas prices are about to skyrocket. While the rest of the world can look forward to a summer of being bombed, a lot of people in the United States may be looking forward to staying in this summer.

However, there is good news for those who are going without a summer vacation this summer. Sun River Systems, Inc. has created HeatSeek, a web browser focused entirely on surfing for porn. HeatSeek can encrypt and categorize all your pornography while trying to make you free from popups and spyware.

You have to use a username and password just to open HeatSeek. If you minimize it, you need to retype your username and password to reopen it. So while someone may see HeatSeek in your taskbar, they will not be able to casually determine that you are looking at guys. You sicko.

So even if you can't exercise your constitutional right to drive around for no reason, you can entertain yourself at home. And thanks to Israel's hate and fear of the entire rest of the world and the advantageous release of this new web browser, 2006 will be known as the Summer of Self Love.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Stupidest Man on Internet Found

Thursday, July 13, 2006

(SNN The Internets) Last week, Pete Shinn read an article that incensed his sensibilities. He wrote a scathing blog entry about the article and the young woman quoted therein. Unfortunately for Shinn, the article and the woman were complete fabrications.

We did not have a file photo of Peter Shinn, so we have included this photo of Stephen King. We assume King is nearly as creepy looking as Shinn. It just gives you goose bumps, doesn't it. Great, now I won't be able to sleep tonight.

The article was printed in online magazine called "The Onion". The article's headline was "I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!" It was probably found among headlines such as "Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot" and "U.N. Orders Wonka To Submit To Chocolate Factory Inspections."

Being fooled by the Onion is quite a normal thing for someone with no sense of humor, like China. In 2002, Beijing's most popular newspaper republished an Onion story about the US Congress threatening to move unless given a Capitol building with a retractable dome. And who could forget the Onion's involvement in the tragic story which ended in Sen. Chuck Grassley beating Bob Crane to death.

This is where Shinn could have laughed off the embarrassing situation, showing that he was mentally competent. Unfortunately for Shinn, he did not stop there. Shinn claimed the entire post was merely a joke and he had gotten it all along. But even then, he did not stop there. During the next week hate mail and comments came to him by the thousands from both sides of the abortion debate. There was one thing these radically opposed groups could agree upon. Shinn's elevator did not reach the top floors. Shinn then claimed that all the attacks were coming from leftist "intellectuals" (his quotes) who still didn't get the joke.

Unfortunately, some of the messages sent to him were abusive. Also, a group of people were given Shinn's personal information. This is quite sad, as it belittles Shinn's accomplishment and maybe even makes people feel a little sympathy towards him. On the other hand, if thousands of people are calling you an idiot, maybe you need to look in the mirror.

Now is a difficult time for pro-lifers. There is an old saying that goes, "If you were in a room with Adolf Hitler and the Stupidest Man in the World and you had a gun with only one bullet, which would you kill?" At one time, this question was mere speculation. The concept of the stupidest person on the internet was unfathomable, and Hitler is (fingers crossed) dead. Now that Shinn has been identified and is one of their own, how can they answer? If you believe in the sanctity of life over all else, can you take someone's life for the betterment of the world. Of course, for those pro-lifers that shot or were complicit in the shooting of abortion doctors, the answer is probably a no brainer.

Correction 1:
While Mr. Shinn claims malicious people posted his information online, we now have unconfirmed secondary confirmation that the "fucktard posted it himself".

Correction 2:
Our previously uncomfirmed confirmation is now confirmed.


Senate Votes to Replace FEMA

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

(SNN Washington) The Senate voted 87-11 yesterday to dismantle FEMA and replace it with an identical agency with a different name.

The new agency is to be called the "Emergency Management Authority". By calling the agency and "authority" it is hoped that people will think that it has some authority if there is an emergency to do some form of management. However, the agency will have very little authority to do this.

However, the House is considering legislation that would not rename FEMA, but move it outside of Homeland Security where it might actually have a chance of being useful. Giving FEMA the resources to do its job is typical of the short sighted logic that is used in the House.


Mobsters wanted to Whack Geraldo

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

(SNN Philadelphia) Last Night, on Geraldo at Large, Geraldo Rivera went to Philadelphia to investigate a plan to kill Geraldo.

Geraldo talked to the man who said he stopped the plot, Gaetano "Tommy Horsehead" Scafidi. Mr. Horsehead said that mob boss John Stanfa ordered him to kill reporter Geraldo Rivera, if he ever returned to Philadelphia. The orders came after Geraldo and his camera crew confronted Stanfa about his mafia credentials.

According to a USA Today poll, over 59% of Americans would kill Geraldo if they thought they could get away with it. Twenty percent were undecided. And an additional 19 percent said they might hire someone to do it. Two percent said they believed Geraldo's mustache was quite stunning.


Santorum Promotes NBA

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

(SNN Pittsburg) Today, Sen. Rick Santorum made a statement about Kim Jung Il that some people have found controversial. "[Kim Jong Il] doesn't want to die," said Santorum. "He wants to watch NBA basketball."

But it seems that Santorum has not done his homework. It is widely known that Kim is more a fan of film. In addition, when Kim does watch sports, he prefers the NHL, specifically the Red Wings.


Editor's Note: A Love Letter to Ann Coulter

Monday, July 10, 2006

On NewsBlog 5000, we pride ourselves on having original content. We like to give you something almost every day. However, I have been busy lately. I have made it my mission to go on every web forum and newsgroup to defend Ann Coulter from plagiarism charges.

I know that has affected our little electronic news dingus. We did experiment with using homeless people to write our stories, as they work for liquor. However, our experiment was too successful, and they are now all producers at MSNBC.

Now I could go into my arguments for defending Ann here, but chances are, if you are Internet savvy, you've already seen them on a web forum on how to mix the newest beats, or wean baby pigs, or cook with rhubarb. So instead, I would like to share this video with you.

The video is of the actor Henry Rollins, who you may know from Bad Boys II, expressing his love for dear Ann. And although I have not seen it, anyone who lusts after Ann is a friend of mine.

Well, time to go back to rec.puzzles.sudoku and drive the point home.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Lieberman reasonably sure he's not Bush

Saturday, July 08, 2006

(SNN West Hartford) Sen. Joe Lieberman sought to distance himself from the Bush Administration. The Democratic Senator said in a televised debate on Thursday, "I'm not George Bush."

"I know George Bush. I've worked against George Bush. I've even run against George Bush. But Ned, I'm not George Bush," Lieberman said during the debate. "So why don't you stop running against him and have the courage and honesty to run against me and the facts of my record." Lieberman later added, "Ok, I'm reasonably sure that I am not George Bush. Or at least somewhat sure. Maybe."

Ironically, according to Lieberman's record, he might be George Bush. However, the two have known to cuddle on occasion. While it is possible to have sex with yourself, spooning afterwards is more difficult.

It is much more likely that Lieberman and Bush are just two men who think the same way, act the same way, wear the same clothes, bed the same women, and share similar birthmarks. However, this has caused quite a bit of confusion for the Secret Service.


Jung Il Afraid of other World Leaders

Thursday, July 06, 2006

(SNN Pyongyang) Leader of North Korea, Kim Jung Il has started an aggressive missile testing program. Kim has said that he considers the testing necessary of the survival of North Korea. The test come at the same time as news of President Bush's fecal collection and Vladimir Putin's snuggling a five year old.

A travel potty is demonstrated by a five year old.

Australian papers are reporting that during a recent visit to Vienna, President Bush's bodily excretions were labeled top secret. The President used a special travel potty, and his excretions were shipped to Ramstein Air Base.

While some people claim that these types of programs are unnecessary, there is good cause for concern. The CIA was reported to have collected waste samples from Ugandan President-dictator Yoweri Museveni's toilet when he visited Washington. This simple fact goes more towards explaining the American intelligence gathering services than any previously revealed.

Meanwhile, Russian President Vladimir Putin caused controversy by kissing the stomach of a five year old. When asked about the incident, Putin said, "I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act." No one knows what that means.

So Kim Jung Il has started randomly shooting missiles at the rest of the world. Kim has said that he will stop firing missiles when "things start to make sense again." Candidly, Kim told us, "I have often been called crazy, but I don't bottle my crap. And five year olds? Putin needs therapy."

Correction 1:
That girl is not yet five years old.


International Piracy on the Rise

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

A recent investigation by a Russian Agency showed that copies of movies like "The Da Vinci Code" could appear within five days of the Russian release.

Indonesian Commandoes search for copies of The Da Vinci Code

Piracy problems are so prevalent in Russia that even the Russian Anti-Piracy Organization, or RAPO (pronounced Rape-Oh), currently has a warehouse full of $7 million worth of pirated DVDs.

Meanwhile, outside Kuala Lumpur, two UN ships carrying tsunami rebuilding supplies were attacked by pirates. The pirates stole and damaged equipment on the first ship and robbed the crew of the second ship. On each ship, they left behind hundreds of copies of The Da Vinci Code.

Also, in this same area, a Japanese cargo ship had to fight off pirates. The pirates came on an unlit speedboat, attacking the 27,000 ton Japanese ship. They tried to board, but were pushed back with fire hoses. It is not known how many copies of The Da Vinci Code they were trying to force onto the crew.


Editor's Note: Cruel and Vulgar

Monday, July 03, 2006

A recent poll published in the Daily Telegraph detailing what Britons think of Americans. The results are quite telling.

A majority of the Britons questions described Americans as uncaring, divided by class, awash in violent crime, vulgar, preoccupied with money, ignorant of the outside world, racially divided, uncultured and dominated by big business. And I would like to thank the British people for this. Yes, we refused to be ruled by big government communism and an elitist monarchy like you are. But not all of their opinions of the US were so favorable.

More than two thirds said that Americans were an imperial power seeking world domination and only twenty four percent thought that the US military was helping bring democracy to Iraq. This kind of attitude seems dangerous for a country that relies so much on the United States militarily. Perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself before we bring democracy the hell out of you.

Also, 77 percent of the British people thought President Bush was a "pretty poor" or "terrible" leader. This just goes to show how poor the educational system is in Briton. Obviously, there is a high degree of illiteracy among the English people. They obviously read one of the options as "Terribly Brilliant". And no one would ever knowingly rate President Bush as "poor." While he doesn't have as much money as Dick Cheney, he has enough that he once forgot he owned a lumber company.

Finally, the poll found that 83 percent of people in Britain don't think that America cares what the world thinks. Well frankly England, you can believe that all you like, but we don't care what you think.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Noah's Ark Found

Saturday, July 01, 2006

(SNN Tehran) A group of Christian Archeologists with the Bonnea Archeology Search and Exploration Institute (BASE) believe that have discovered Noah's Ark in Iran.

The Ark

The object is perched 13,000 feet about sea level on the slopes of Mount Suleiman, northwest of Tehran. It is made of stone, and to the untrained observer, looks like a pretty typical rock formation. However, the Arkishness of the pile of rocks is not lost on the members of BASE, or BASEheads. "I can't imagine what it could be if it is not the Ark," said Arch Bonnema of BASE.

The Scientific credentials of the BASE team are easy to see also. The expedition's leader Dr. Bob Cornuke is an ex-policeman with no higher degrees or formal archeology training. Bob has been on thirty such expeditions. Bob's expedition includes business, law and ministry leaders. In other expeditions, he has claimed to find Mount Sinai and the shipwreck of St. Paul.

Some people pointed out that the rocks appeared to be petrified wood. However, it takes wood millions of years to petrify, so on an Evangelical timeline, the Ark would have been built millions of years before the earth was created.

The most amazing part of the discovery of these BASEheads is that the Ark was made of solid rock. The fact that Noah was able to float an Ark made of several tons of rock and take care of two of every animal on earth with just the help of a few family members is a testament to the power of faith.