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5000 Victories: Comedy Central Surrenders

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Damn it feels good to be an editor.

Just Hours after I wrote my editorial criticising Comedy Central forcing YouTube to remove all Comedy Central content, Viacom reversed their decision and cut a deal with the Google.

I am glad they were able to see the wisdom of my arguments. I am expecting a thank you call from the President of Viacom any minute now. Consider yourself removed from the banned list.

Until then, I leave you with this salute to the home of the brave and the land of the free content.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Editor’s Note: Comedy Central is Banned

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Those of you who re-read our publication over and over may have noticed that some of the YouTube videos that we have made available are no longer able to play. This is because the Googles spent over a billions dollars for YouTube and in doing so, rendered it useless.

Studios like Comedy Central have forced Google to take down their content. Comedy Central of course gives most of this content away free on their website in a format that doesn’t work nearly as well. If too many people had easy access to their programming, they might take an interest and start watching their station. That would be anarchy, and I am told that anarchy is bad.

Secondly, I watch last night’s Daily Show and I was stunned. During a report on Columbus, OH, Samantha B wore a Hooters uniform while carrying her baby. It goes strictly against my beliefs in family values for her to be flaunting her Satan’s dumplings while holding an infant. Infants will never grow up to be healthy Republican youth if they are exposed to breasts. Furthermore, she should not be dressing so sexy while holding an infant because it makes it difficult to rub one out to her image, unless you are my good friend, Rush Limbaugh.

And this brings me to the final transgression. Last night, the once and future banned Stephen Colbert defended Rush against the horrible accusations made recently by Michael J. Fox. While Colbert was defending Rush, I once again felt that there was something in his voice that made him seem less than genuine in his defense of the utterly indefensible. That guy is not Sean Hannity.

So for these transgressions, I am going to put the entire channel of Comedy Central on our banned list. I was also considering Google, but that would be awkward, as they are our web host.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


St. Louis Denies claims of being Most Dangerous City

Monday, October 30, 2006

(SNN Wichita) St. Louis city and civic leaders are calling a new ranking of St. Louis as the most dangerous city is misleading.

Mayoral aide Jeff Rainford says the survey is using the low population estimate of 330,000 instead of the de facto 353,000 commonly used. In addition, he claims that suburban and gated communities totalling nearly a million population and with low crime were not included in the report.

Also, Rainford was quick to point out that Vampire related and suspected Vampire related deaths were down 20% total since the new Master of the City took over. “The administration of Nikolaos was particularly hard on crime rates. Under the new Master Jean Claude, a respected member of our community, we have enjoyed a much better relationship with our undead residents.”

The safest city in 2005 was Brick, N.J., with a population about 78,000, followed by Amherst, N.Y., and Mission Viejo, California. The second most dangerous city was Detroit, followed by Flint, Michigan. Compton, California, long known for it’s lycanthropy issues came in at number four.

Federal Marshal Anita Blake refused to comment.

Mayor Francis Slay did not return calls to his office seeking comment Sunday.


Editor’s Note: Another Sad Day for America

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Today is a sad day, patriots. Jessica Simpson announced that she would grow old lonely because potential suitors were put off by her celebrity status. "My fear is that I won’t ever date anybody, because they’ll think I’m going to ruin their career.”

Well don’t worry, Jessica. I am throwing my hat into the ring. Yes, I am married, but I believe there are some sacrifices you must make for the good of your country.

I know I’m no Johnny Knoxville, but I’ve been taking lessons from Bill O’Reilly, and you would be amazed what I can do with a loofah.

And you don’t worry about me having to ride your coat tails. In my mind, I’m more important, relevant and talented that you will ever be.

I need you Jessica, to help me spread the legacy of Ronald Reagan. With my brains and your large fake breasts, I know we can go far. But I need more than just fake boobs, Jessica. I need you. I can’t get breast implants myself, because that would border on androgyny, and I’m firmly pro-family values.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Rove sees a lot of polls

Thursday, October 26, 2006

(SNN Washington) Many people have theorized what Karl Rove must be doing right now. Things have not been looking too good for the Republican Party. However, Mr. Rove came to NPR yesterday and explained to what was taking up the majority of his time.

MR. SIEGEL: I'm looking at all the same polls that you're looking at every day.

MR. ROVE: No you're not. No you're not!

MR. SIEGEL: No, I'm not --

MR. ROVE: I'm looking at 68 polls a week. You may be looking at four or five public polls a week.

Every day, toned young men come to Rove’s office to show him their polls. The widths of the polls and the depth to which they can penetrate varies deeply, but no matter how big or how small, Rove readily gobbles them up.

At 68 polls a week, Rove handles around ten poles a day. Depending on how many hours Rove is putting in, he must be getting a fresh package every hour to two hours. No wonder he is valued by Republicans if he can take that amount of poll.


President Bush states the obvious

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

(SNN Washington) This morning President Bush said that casualties in Iraq were a “serious concern”. The President also indicated that things might not be going so well.

First, President Bush stated his dissatisfaction on how things are going in Iraq. "I know many Americans are not satisfied with the situation in Iraq. I'm not satisfied either," Then the President gave a generic definition of war. "There has been heavy fighting, many enemy fighters have been killed or captured and we've suffered casualties of our own."

Furthermore, the President outlined the differences between winning and losing in Iraq. "If we succeed in Iraq, the country (the United States) is more secure. If we don't succeed in Iraq, the country is less secure."

Mr. Bush said of the Democrats, "I do not question their patriotism. I question whether or not they understand how dangerous the world is." Mr. Bush is known for his foresight and vision and has often stated that he understands how dangerous the world is, as he has sustained injuries while clearing brush on his ranch.

"You asked me about accountability. It rests right here," the President said, pointing at his chest for emphasis, "That's what the 2004 campaign was all about." It is not known how the President’s tie could be held responsible for the mistakes up until now.

Finally, the President explained the place of American soldiers in Iraq. "Americans have no intention of taking sides in a sectarian struggle or standing in the crossfire between rival factions," Mr. Bush said. Possibly this means they will be transferred to Kurdistan.


Developing Story

Wednesday, October 25, 2006


And Now a Word from Our Sponsor

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

And Now, The Short Version


Editor’s Note: The BK Bomber

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The staff of NewsBlog 5000 and the Sincmil News Network would like to publicly apologize over the possibility yesterday’s events in Salt Lake City were at all influenced by our article on that state of Burger King.

We never intended that voilence be threatened against personel or property of the chain. We hope that the restaurant employees involved can recover from the trauma and eventually go on with their life.

Furthermore we would like to remind everyone that there is a limit to how much you should expect to “have it your way.”


Burger King Employee Not Committed to Flame Broiling

Monday, October 23, 2006

(SNN Farmington Hills) In a Burger King store much like any other, there is a young employee much like any other. He makes fries, he serves drinks and he stack patty after patty of flame broiled hamburger. But this employee is different. He has lost his faith.

For the purposes of this article, we will call him Mike. Mike has worked at the “BK” for nearly seven years. However, now he is beginning to think that people should not eat pound after pound of flame broiled meat.

“When you are young, you have a Whopper Jr. or maybe a kids meal, and you think, ‘This is it. When I grow up, I’ll be able to eat a whole Whopper.”

But the innocence of Mike’s childhood has been betrayed. “It’s like they didn’t know when to stop. Deep down, I always thought the Double Whopper was going too far. I managed to hold my tongue with the Rodeo Cheeseburger. But when they came out with the Stacker, I knew they had gone too far.”

In 2006, Burger King unveiled the BK Stacker. The sandwich consists of layers of beef patties, bacon and cheese. This might not have upset Mike, but there was one catch. “Four layers is just too much,” Mike tells us. “I mean three would have been excessive, but four is madness. I’m beginning to thing that the whole concept of flame broiling might be bogus. I disguised myself and ate a place that steamed their burgers the other day, and they weren’t that bad.”

So now Mike is forced to live every day in fear that his faith will be discovered. “Those commercials with the Burger King invading people’s homes are not just commercials. They are a warning.”

So Mike gets up and goes to work every day, knowing it might be his last. Hoping that customers ordering the four layer BK Stackers don’t see his look of disapproval, or at least don’t tell his managers. “All I can do,” Mike tells us, “is hope they come back to their senses. Until then, I’ll just have to take it one day at a time.”


Boy Scouts Celebrate Corporate America

Friday, October 20, 2006

(SNN Compton) The Boy Scouts have long been known as a paramilitary led by repressed homosexuals. However, modern scouts have to adjust to modern times, and a few scouts in Los Angeles are learning a new skill, how not to pirate music and movies.

Image reproduced without permission

By participating in a curriculum developed by the Motion Picture Association of America, Boy Scouts can earn a merit badge featuring the international copyright symbol. But to successfully earn their badge, they have to identify the five types of copyrights and the three ways in which materials can be pirated.

Hopefully, earning merit badges for not doing things will open up a whole new area to scouts. Maybe someday, scouts will earn badges for not freebasing crack rocks and not picking up needles or even not following strange men into alleyways, but then that might conflict with the buggery.

Furthermore, Scouts can benefit from more forms of corporate sponsorship. How about the “Sony Style”, “Dude You’re Getting a Dell” and “Buying Genuine Hormel Meat Products” badges. There could even be a Best Buy, “Turn on the Fun” badge, but that might be confused for the buggery.


Editor's Note: Thank you Colbert

Thursday, October 19, 2006

I admit I've been hard on Stephen Colbert. However, last night, he took on my challenge to explain Sen. Santorum's metaphor.

You can consider your show off the banned list. And in your place, we'll add the State of Nevada for supporting Harry Reid.


Editor's Note: Harry Reid's Misdeeds

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

More and more evidence piles up against Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid. We now have unconfirmed reports that during the 2004 campaign season, Reid spit on a sidewalk in Las Vegas.

Reid's malfeasance has been well documented over the past year. While the deal was entirely legal, Reid filled out the wrong paperwork, not a trivial matter.

Furthermore, Reid tipped employees of his condo association out of the wrong account. His lawyers said it was legal, and upon finding out there was controversy, Reid immediately repaid the campaign account to remove the appearance of impropriety, but other people say it wasn't legal. These tips added up to over $3000. This is also a non-trivial matter.

Last year in another non-trivial matter, Reid accepted complimentary boxing tickets from the Nevada Gaming Commission. Reid had no reason to receive those tickets except as a bribe, and due to the fact that he was a former commissioner and boxer. Following his typical modus operandi, he acted like paying for the tickets would make everything better.

While all of these matters are trivial and do not add up to a scandal, they are micro-scandals. If you have enough micro-scandals, they will add up to being worse than an actual scandal. In addition, Reid rivals have nicknamed him Dirty Harry. Can you really trust a man they call Dirty Harry?

Editor's Note:

The original version of this article claimed Reid was the Senate Majority Leader. There is only one possible excuse for this: time travellers. They live among us, and wish to alter our reality.


Rick Santorum Explains Iraq (save the metaphor)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

(SNN Allentown) In an interview with the Bucks County Courier Times, Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum equated the war with "Lord of the Rings" by J. R. R. Tolkien. Santorum claimed that the battles in Iraq kept the Eye of Mordor from being focused on the United States.

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said. "It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."

But something about Santorum's analogy does seem to fit how the White House sees their role. The Middle East is Mordor, slowly being united by Osama bin Sauron. George W. Bush is Frodo, who must finish the job of his elder, George H. W. Bilbo Baggins Bush. Donald Rumsfeld is Gandolf, the old wizard who is the only one who sees the wisdom of taking the fight to Mordor. Bill Clinton if Tom Bombadil, lovable but negligent. Dick Cheney is Gollum, driven mad by his own greed. And Santorum himself is Sam Gamgee, utterly devoted to Frodo because he wants to have sex with him.

Hey Kids

That metaphor above sure looks like it's in trouble. Can you help it by leaving a better interpretation of Sen. Santorum's metaphor in the comments section?


Skippy Travels in Time

Monday, October 16, 2006

The other day, I took my newly adopted daughter, Shin, to the Korean grocery store. Shin has really helped me to recover from my divorce, and I thought that it might be nice to her to be able to enjoy some of the flavors of home.

When we got to the store, Shin struck up quite the conversation with the old couple who owned the shop. She then told me that they wanted me to come to the back of the store. They gave me a cup of tea, and Shin translated the most fantastic story to me.

It seems the old couple had come into possession of an ancient Korean artifact, a cabinet that had originally belonged to King Sejong the Great. King Sejong was a man of learning and has been credited with promoting the Korean alphabet.

The cabinet was supposedly given to Sejong as a gift by a man of great learning. It was lacquered blue with gold leaf, and it had thought to be looted by Japanese occupiers around the year 1900. The old couple told me that it was rumored that the cabinet had the power to travel in time. Of course, I just thought this was a silly superstition, but they insisted I take a look inside the box.

When I stood up, I found that I was quite lightheaded. It must have been the heat of the room combined with the tea. I leaned over the box and felt a sharp pain in the back of my head and saw a bright light.

I awoke in pre-turn of the century Akron, Ohio. After some bad run-ins with the locals, I was able to trade my futuristic Dockers and FUBU jacket for period clothes and $20, a large sum at the time.

Using the money that I had, I obtained lodging and got a job with the Akron Beacon Journal under the name “Rudy Robinson”. After spending the year of 1891 with the Beacon Journal, and with the assets from some patents for typesetting, I was ready to take my trip to Korea.

I was enjoying my time in 1890’s Akron, but I knew from my Korean History minor that the Empress Myeongseong was due to be assassinated in less than five years. As the Panama Canal was not yet finished, I had to start my trip with via rail to San Fransisco.

While Korean tourism was not in fashion, mission building was in full swing. On the way to San Francisco, I mugged a Jesuit and took his clothes, establishing my credentials to teach at the Ryong-saun Seminary. It is a good thing I remembered my Latin. I had to do Mass several times, and I never got it right once. Fortunately, the other priests thought I was a drunkard.

The ship to Korea was a struggle, too much time in too close quarters while trying not to give away my status as a time traveler. Once, one of the sailors heard me singing “Straight out of Compton”, but I was able to explain that it was an obscure religious song.

Finding a way into the court of Empress Myeongseong was another story. However, I was eventually able to befriend a Russian officer named Sabatin. I took him into my confidence and explained my situation. In exchange for his help, I offered him information on the upcoming assassination and Japanese occupation. He didn’t believe me, but he did agree to get me access to the Empress's box when I gave him what was left of my money.

I went to the box and found myself being awakened by a police officer. My neighbors had reported me as being unconscious on my front lawn for 48 hours. I guess that time travel packs quite a wallop.

I went back to the Korean grocery store to find Shin, however they said that she had stepped into the box after me to try to save me. They also introduced me to their granddaughter, who was newly arrived in the United States. When I commented on how much their granddaughter looked like Shin, they called me a racist and threw me out.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


Editor's Note: They have the bomb. So what?

Saturday, October 14, 2006

All week, I've heard liberals whining about how North Korea has the bomb. Well, it's all your fault. Clinton could done something North Korea for eight years, but instead, he chose to use diplomacy. So when Bush got into office and cut off negotiations like Clinton should have done, it was already too late.

But here's the deal. North Korea did not build an atomic bomb because they want to destroy us. North Korea built a bomb because they fear us. And North Korea should be afraid. Afraid of the American man.

On Wednesday night, Dave Duea of Milaca, Minn. was attacked by a bear and successfully fought it off. Dave said about the incident "I've had some big guys land on me in martial arts and stuff, but this was nothing like anything I've ever felt."

If an American man can kick the ass of a bear, what chance does a little dictator like Kim stand? Even his nukes are small by our standards. If Kim did fire his Taepodong at the US, some American Hero like Dave Duea, would probably just catch it and throw it back at him.

Although, Kim, if you are reading this, I would like to know where you get those sunglasses.


The Republican Purge

Friday, October 13, 2006

(SNN Washington) A memo circulated amongst religious conservative Republicans lists a group of closeted gay Republicans.

The memo, written by the Rev. Don Wildmon of the American Family Association (AFA) lists what Wildmon calls a "clique" of gay Congressional Republicans. "They oughtta fire every one of 'em," Wildmon said to a reporter from "The Nation". "I don't care if they're heterosexual or homosexual or whatever they are. If you've got that going on, that subverts the will of the people; that subverts the voters. That is subversive activity. There should be no organization among staffers in Washington of that nature, and if they find out that they're there and they're a member, they oughtta be dismissed el pronto." (Spanish emphasis, his)

However, Congressional Republicans have long resisted outing homosexual members, under the fear that there would be no Congressional Republicans left after the purge. And firing gay staffers would prove difficult as it would be illegal, thanks to the limp-wristed ACLU.

A Pew survey conducted in 2003 suggests that 94% of Republican Congressmen and their employees regularly engage in homosexual behavior, markedly higher than the national average.

In a related item, House Speaker Dennis Hastert claimed that the only reason Democrats were pushing Mark Foley's sexual indiscretions was to draw attention away from their own problems with cannibalism.


Packer on her Backer

Thursday, October 12, 2006

What a piece.

(SNN Ann Arbor) Mark Foley has reminded us that everyone loves a good political sex story. Enter Sandy Sullivan, the 65 year old Republican candidate for Wisconsin Secretary of State.

In Wisconsin, they love their football and in the 1960's Sullivan led in scoring with the Green Pay Packers. She started in the Packers organization as a humble ticket seller, but quickly became the Packer's official girlfriend. However, she did once turn down Hall of Famer Don Hutson, because he was no longer on the team.

Sullivan claims she did not have to hold back in her tell-all book, Green Bay Love Stories, because most Packers are illiterate.

Some suggest that Sullivan might not be qualified to be Secretary of State. The only brush Sullivan has had with politics is flirting with Richard Nixon, who smiled at her and spouted a line of drunken gibberish, thinking she was someone else. He later forced her to watch as he sodomized Checkers. But Wisconsin is a state full of football fans, and Sullivan has been full of football players.

You can obtain your own copy of Green Bay Love Stories at


Editor's Note: The Colbert Defection

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I have often spoken of my great admiration for neo-con pundit Stephen Colbert. But something has always bothered me about Colbert. Something seemed disingenuous, like he did not literally mean everything that he said.

Tonight, I saw the final straw. Stephen Colbert being kissed by Hanoi Jane Fonda. While he did force her to cook for him, he did not insist that she take off her shoes, or keep her mouth shut for being a traitor. Therefore, I must put Stephen Colbert's television show, The Colbert Report, on The Banned List.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


John McCain – Maverick

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

(SNN Washington) When asked about the President's actions pertaining to North Korea, Press Secretary Tony Snow responded that the question was silly. However, Senate Majority Maverick John McCain has different ideas.

We had no file photo of John McCain, so here is a picture of Milton Bradley.

A reporter asked the White House press secretary today if there's anything the president thinks he should have done differently with respect to North Korea. "Oh, my goodness," Snow responded. "It's a silly question. I have said this repeatedly from this podium. You need to give presidents the benefit of the doubt when national security is involved."

However, Senator John McCain stood up to the Executive Branch once again and placed blame firmly on the President. "I would remind Senator (Hillary) Clinton and other Democrats critical of the Bush administration's policies that the framework agreement her husband's administration negotiated was a failure," McCain said at a news conference.


The Cost of Movie Piracy

Monday, October 09, 2006

(SNN Toluca Lake) A recent study by the Institute for Policy Innovation (IPI) reveals that Movie Piracy has a direct impact on the US economy on a larger scale.

The research is based on the outcome of the MPAA funded study that revealed that the movie piracy industry has lost $1.3 billion in the US.

As Hollywood produces movies of poorer and poorer quality, the sales of faster CPUs, DVD writers and blank DVDs is effected. And this hurts the economy as a whole.

A copy of a modern, full-quality Hollywood movie requires a $1.50 double layer DVD. In addition, you have the cost of bandwidth and electricity. This is way too large a monetary commitment for most modern movies.

In addition, celebrities may be to blame. If you just saw Tom Cruise make an ass of himself, would you use the $2 worth of bandwidth and blank media to burn a copy of “Days of Thunder”?


WGA to get tougher

Monday, October 09, 2006

(SNN Seattle) Microsoft has announced that the Windows Genuine Advantage anti-piracy program will be tougher in its next operating system, Windows Vista.

The new software is even more aggressive that the current version which causes problems for 42% of users who actually paid for their copy of Windows. Even Microsoft has agreed that problems with the software is "coming up more commonly now."

If WGA believes it has found faulty license information, The popular Clippy will pop up and constantly tell the user demeaning things targeted to injure their self esteem. Users are warned that if they do not purchase a license withing 60 days, they are likely to commit suicide.


ABC to show: The Path to FoleyGate

Saturday, October 07, 2006

(SNN New York) Sources have leaked that ABC's new docudrama “The Path of FoleyGate” may contain some inaccurate information. It is even rumored that the docudrama has angered former President Clinton.

In a letter to the head of ABC parent company Disney, senior Clinton staffers said the program is factually inaccurate and wants ABC to scrap scenes from the mini series.

Certain scenes suggest lapses by the Clinton administration allowed Foley to continue to harass young men. One scene even implies that Clinton administration officials did not release information on Foley because they feared that attention would be taken away from the President's impeachment.

The first scene of the movie starts as a CIA team beg National Security Advisor Sandy Berger to intervene as they watch Foley masturbate a teenager. Berger refuses to act as CIA agents plead, “Can we stop him from jackin it?”


Wisconsin Representative Proposes armed Teachers

Thursday, October 05, 2006

(SNN Green Bay) In the wake of the school shootings that occurred during the past two weeks, State Representative Frank Lasee (R-Bellevue) announced his plans for legislation allowing teachers, principles, administrators and other school personnel to carry concealed weapons.

As an example of a successful implementation of such a program, Lasee points out that schools in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, relatively equal to Wisconsin in terrorist activity, successfully adopted such a program twenty five years ago. "The element of surprise is a powerful tool,” added Lasee. “In Israel and Thailand several lives have been saved because criminals don’t want to attack schools where well-trained marksmen and women may return fire.”

However some fear that the legislation may have unintended effects. Many students already feel as if they have been imprisoned in the American schools system. However, when teachers began carrying guns, these fears may be abated. American prisons keep tight control over when and how their officers can use guns. Apparently, prisons believe that guns may be dangerous.

In addition, Lasee intends to surround schools with electrified fences, guard towers, minefields, and where feasible a moat with an assortment of predatory fish. This will make the schools much safer and non-violent. However, a reminder to parents: If your vehicle approaches the school checkpoint at a high rate of speed, guards my be forced to open fire for their own protection.


Editor's Note: Telling it like it is

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Once again my good friend Bill O'Reilly is coming under fire. Three times on The O'Reilly Factor, they showed graphics labeling disgraced Republican Mark Foley a Democrat. Now people in the liberal media would call this an error or possibly even a lie, but I call it Fair and Balanced reporting.

It only makes sense that a scandal of this magnitude is going to hurt the party of Mark Foley. The Republican party deserves to be covered favorably in the press even when they don't deserve to be covered fairly in the press. While liberal newscasters took the easy road and reported that Foley belonged to the Republican party, O'Reilly got to the heart of the matter and decided to balance Foley's effect on the election.

O'Reilly makes a good point, too. While Republicans knew about Foley's activities for years, it was the job of the Democrats to expose him. You see, the Democrats are lazy and don't do their jobs, and allow innocent young men are sexually harassed.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again. The country has been in a downward spiral since the Democrats took control of all the branches of government. It's time to say to the Democrats, “No More!” It is time for a Republican majority in the House and the Senate. And because the Democrat President George W. Bush got us into an illegal war that is costing use billions of dollars and American lives, we should elect a Republican President in 2008, someone as good as our last Republican President, Bill Clinton.

We live in a world where truth is perception and perception is truth. So the question becomes if truth even matters anymore. For instance, many Asian men look effeminate, but that does not mean that they are women, or even gay men. However, this does not stop me from paying to have sex with them. If I don't look at his penis, am I really having sex with a man? Think about that one.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Gitmo Inmates being Americanized

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Two choices offered to detainees are the “Giant Plate of Donuts” and the “Schwan's Ice Cream Sandwich Cake”

(SNN Havana) A high calorie diet at Guantanamo Bay is making detainees fat.

Inmates are confined to their cells with little chance of exercise and given meals topping 4200 calories. This has made one detainee balloon to 410 pounds. By the rules of the Geneva convention, we are not even allowed to show his picture.

Human rights experts cite accounts of released detainees who complained they were allowed to exercise fewer than three times a week, or two times more than the average American. By forcing the detainees to be confined in a small space with no excercise, they are being treated as badly as telemarketers.

A spokesman for the detention facilities, Cmdr. Robert Durand says detainees are simply served a wide variety. “The detainees are advised that they are offered more food than necessary, to provide choice and variety, and that consuming all the food they are offered will result in weight gain.”

The weight gain issues go so far that even two detainees who have been on a hunger strike for more than a year are at "100 percent ideal body weight," Durand said.


GOP: Foley Exists

Monday, October 02, 2006

(SNN Washington) While many stories have been circulating the hill about Rep. Mark Foley, one thing is known for sure: Foley is a Republican congressman from Florida.

Senior members of the GOP were surprised to find out that Mark Foley was a sexual predator, or they have been trying to cover it up for several months, or they warned pages to stay away from Foley as many as three years ago. While Foley himself has called predators sickos, many members of the GOP say that what Foley did was no big deal, or at least not as bad as what Clinton did or utterly indefensible.

While cruising for tail, Foley would go on Internet chat sites with different user names and talk dirty with young men, as in the transcript below.

Maf54 (7:55:02 PM):Have you ever been in a Turkish Prison?:

[redacted screenname](7:55:12 PM): well ya

Maf54 (7:55:21 PM):very nice

[redacted screenname](7:55:24 PM): lol

Maf54 (7:56:55 PM):Have you ever seen a grown man naked?:

Maf54 (7:57:15 PM):Do you hang around gymnasiums?:

Maf54 (7:57:32 PM):Do you like Gladiator Movies?

However, Press Secretary Tony Snow defended Foley in an interview with Soledad O'Brien. “Look, I hate to tell you, but it's not always pretty up there on Capitol Hill and there have been other scandals than simply naughty email,” said Snow. “For senior members or the Republican party, sodomy is practically a way of saying hello. And as far as closeted homosexual tendencies, most men consider you smoking hot and would be rock hard just by being this close to you. However, I am entirely flaccid right now, but give me a piece of sweaty man meat like Robert Novak... Where was I?”


5000 Answers with Dr. Ryan Maynard: The NewsBlog 5000 star

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Todays question comes from CmdrSue. Sue writes:

Is there a particular reason why you have a pentagram as your background?

Thank you for your question CmdrSue.

What you are seeing is the symbol of NewsBlog 5000, which I designed myself. The background is a star, one of the symbols of our great nation. It's set at a jaunty angle and in a patriotic blue. The letters N, E, W, and S are set around the star, both the letters that spell news and the symbols found on the compass, representing the moral compass that we provide to society. Finally we add the roman numeral for 5000 to the final point on the star, to symbolize a fifth compass point for freedom of spirit and individuality.

On the background of the page, it is washed out to make a feint watermark.

If you are a regular reader, you may have seen the NewsBlog 5000 star in other places.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000