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The finger on the invisible hand

Supreme Court Justice Admits to Stealing Music

Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Supreme Court today heard arguments both for and against the legality of the music sharing software Grokster. Grokster attorneys contend that Grokster is a legal communications tool that allows file sharing. The recording industry argues that peer to peer software like Grokster is costing them billions of dollars.

Grokster attorneys contend that Grokster is a legal communications tool.

This has been a hard case on Justices who are afraid that a wrong decision may adversely affect the home recording and photocopying industries. There is even concern that the next generation of devices like the iPod will be killed if their decision comes down too strongly in favor of the Recording Industry.

But during the discussion on whether making Grokster illegal would also make the iPod illegal, Justice Souter surprised everyone. In almost unheard of fashion for the Supreme Court, Souter displayed a thread of reason and a reasonable grasp on reality. Souter suggested that the recording industry was creating a double standard by letting the iPod survive. Entertainment industry lawyer, Donald Verrilli Jr., maintained that most iPod buyers are honest consumers who pay for their digital music.

Donald Verrilli Jr., maintained that most iPod buyers are honest consumers

This is when Souter dropped the bombshell. "I know perfectly well if I can get music on my iPod without paying that's what I'm going to do," said Souter. Supreme Court Justice David Hackett Souter admitted that he would steal music rather than pay for it to fill his iPod, and he makes over $200,000 a year.

Souter, an H.W. Bush appointee, has always been a pariah in the Supreme Court. The events of this case closely mimic last year’s Lawrence vs. Texas, when Souter admitted to committing sodomy in Texas “any time [he] got a chance”. And in his dissent to Bigelow v. M&Ms, Justice Souter said that the ruling violated the equal protection clause "as not all Americans have access to cats and water”!!!


Insurgents may be Smarter than we Thought

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

(SNN) The US Army has reported that 80 Abrams tanks have been damaged badly enough that they have to be returned to the United States for repairs. This number is much higher than the 18 Abrams tanks lost during the 1991 Gulf war.

Army spokesmen have been very cautious about giving out information.

The total number of tanks to be damaged is unknown. Army spokesmen have been very cautious about giving out information. "We have been very cautious about giving out information," says Jan Finegan, spokeswoman for the Army. For security purposes, the Army does not want to give out the methods used to destroy the tanks.

Designed to fight other tanks, the Abrams' heavy armor is up front. In Iraq's cities insurgents sneak up from behind, fire from rooftops above and set off mines below. They have also been known to detonate a roadside bomb in hopes of blowing the tread off the tank. After the tank is softened up, insurgents use rocket-propelled grenades, mortars and gunfire aimed at the less-armored areas. The Army especially doesn’t want insurgents to know that the rear engine compartment is particularly vulnerable.

The tank weighs 69 tons, has three mounted machine guns and a 120mm cannon

Now in case you’re not familiar with the Abrams, the tank weighs 69 tons, has three mounted machine guns and a 120mm cannon, and its 1500 horsepower engine can propel it at speeds up to 42mph. It is very unlikely that insurgents have been destroying them by accident. Nor is it very likely that the insurgents decided to destroy the Abrams tanks on a whim. You don’t just wake up in the morning, have some juice, and say “I think I’m going to blow up a 70 ton tank today.”

Col. Russ Gold has said that the enemy knows the weak points on the tank. "It's a thinking enemy, and they know weak points on the tank, where to hit us," Col. Gold said. It could be speculated that the Iraq war would be going much better if the enemy were unable to think.


Dungeons and Dragons Player Confesses to Fourth Murder

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

(SNN) John Charles Eichinger, 33, a supermarket clerk from Somers Point, NJ confessed today to the stabbing of Rebecca Stills of Bridgeport in 1999, prosecutors said today. This follows the charges brought against Eichinger that he killed a former co-worker, Heather Greaves, her sister and her daughter.

This is far from the first high profile case to involve the game.

The motivations for this murder are simple. Eichinger wanted to have a romantic involvement with both of the women, but he was turned down, most probably because he may have played games similar to Dungeons and Dragons. Eichinger and many of his friends played role playing games, which are similar to Dungeons and Dragons.

Due to hazing, video games, and low carb diets, it is now rare that a murder is caused by Dungeons and Dragons. But this is far from the first high profile case to involve the game. In 1982, Tom Hanks and his four college classmates decide to move the board game into the local legendary cavern. Hanks started having visions for real, and the line between reality and fantasy fused into a harrowing adventure.

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In his book, “Stairway to Hell, The Well-Planned Destruction of Teens”, author Rick Jones describes in detail how Dungeons and Dragons allow demons to enter the body and drive teenagers to commit murders. He also points out that Dungeons and Dragons contains occult materials such as the names of demons found in the bible. He quotes the Dungeons and Dragon’s manual “Serving a deity is a significant part of D & D, and all players should have a patron god.”, and then cautions the reader, “Surprise D & D player! Guess which deity you are serving? Satan!”

In addition to Satanism, role-playing has caused a number of other problems including vampirism, the goth culture, joining the military, terrorism, Nazism, and Y2k. After causing so many of our social ills, how can the makers, players and proponents of Dungeons and Dragons still claim it is just a game?


Rumsfeld Promotes Gun Control

Monday, March 28, 2005

(SNN) U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is criticizing the purchase of AK-47 assault rifles from Russia. “I personally hope it doesn't happen. I can't imagine, if it did happen, it would be good for the hemisphere," the defense secretary said.

Weapons are expected to arrive in a few months

A senior U.S. defense official, speaking only on condition of anonymity, said weapons are expected to arrive in a few months. Also in negotiation is the purchase of at least 40 Russian MiG-29 Fulcrum fighters, at least 30 Russian attack helicopters and possibly some Spanish naval vessels, the official said, citing public statements from U.S. intelligence. Some of the larger weapons systems, such as the helicopters, are useful in border patrol and other operations that the Pentagon regards as legitimate. But the small arms are harder to track and could end up more easily in criminal hands. Rumsfeld did not mention the proposed sale of military airplanes.

Rumsfeld did not mention the proposed sale of military airplanes.

Apparently, is involved in the arms deal. is no stranger to the weapons trade, their $1.4 billion network of airborne and ground-based radars and computers, dubbed the Amazon Surveillance System, can monitor illegal landing strips, climatic and soil conditions in some of the two million square miles of territory. Drug flights over the area covered by the network have decreased by 30 percent since it went online, according to defense officials.

However, the Vice President has rebuffed Rumsfeld’s criticism of the purchase. Wary of the opinions of the pro-gun ownership lobby, the Vice President said, “The Lord of War, Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense of the United States made statements following the same line of repeating the usual impertinences to create enemies among our friends.”


Editor’s Note: A New Era

Monday, March 28, 2005

Firstly, I would like to apologize to all of our readers. I had specifically informed all of my staff not to comment on the Terri Schiavo case. Unfortunately, Alice Humbees seems to have trouble reading my memos.

I am proud to announce a new column for NewsBlog 5000, “Skippy Does it All” by James Skippenofsky.

We are quickly approaching a full six months of NewsBlog 5000. While we are mostly satisfied with what we have accomplished, we looked upon the graduation of our intern Skippy, who writes the lion’s share of our articles, with trepidation. Skippy is not only a valuable member of our team, but is very popular with our readers. After discussing the Skippy situation with our investors, I am proud to announce a new column for NewsBlog 5000, “Skippy Does it All” by James Skippenofsky.

I also have the honor today to announce the newest member of our news team, Bunny Delicious. Bunny is the niece of Alice Humbees, a graduate of Yale, and performs twice a week at “le chat doux” a local gentlemen’s club. I have to admit, at first it was uncomfortable having Bunny rehearsing her act in the office, but we have become accustomed to her. Now she is just another member of the team, albeit a slightly less dressed one.

Dr Ryan Maynard, Editor


Opinions: Who cares about Terri Schiavo?

Sunday, March 27, 2005

There is not one day when I do not hear hours of opinions and commentary about Terri Schiavo. In fact, the way some cable news channels go on about her, you would think that when she dies, their stations will die with her.

It is time for the extreme right to acknowledge that Terri is gone.

It is time for the extreme right to acknowledge that Terri is gone. It is time that we look past the plight of a woman who will never be able to enjoy a good book, eat an Easter dinner or watch tasteful pornography, and look at the people who are extending her suffering. Perhaps she still has a soul that is trapped in her dead shell of a brain. If she does, stop punishing it. Set her free. Her life is over. Take her life’s struggles as a lesson and carry on, we have life yet to live.

It is time to look at the real villains in this case, the Schindlers’ lawyers. They have made the most private aspects of their client’s lives into a three ring circus. There are more people in the United States that know the intricate details of Terri’s plight than there are people who know that Michael Jackson is standing trial. They have strung along these hopeful parents that only want the best for their child and vilified their son-in-law, who really only wants the same things. Right now, in China, there are thousands of people discussing this case.

Right now, in China, there are thousands of people discussing this case.

The Schindler lawyers should feel awful about what they are doing. They have taken a poor injured woman and put her family through hell. They have made a poor sick woman at her saddest hour a clown for the world to see. They have put advertising before ethics, and they probably go to bed at night with a smile on their faces for all the free publicity they are getting.

This is the time for those that really respect and cherish the sanctity of life to stand up and be counted. Find the Schindlers’ lawyers, their spokesmen, their PR specialists, their questionable specialists and beat in their heads with a meat hammer. It is the right thing to do.

Happy Easter
Alice Humbees, Opinions.


US Agrees to Boost Subcontinent Defense

Saturday, March 26, 2005

(SNN) India and the United States have announced plans to boost defense relations by offering to increase missile defense and other security high-tech initiatives. This announcement comes just a few days after the U.S. announced that it would be selling an undetermined amount of F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan.

The U.S. announced that it would be selling an undetermined amount of F-16 fighter jets to Pakistan.

U.S. officials dismissed India’s objection that the F-16 sale would have an impact on the balance to military power on the Subcontinent. "We don't see any impact of this sale on relevant military balances,” said one U.S. official. He went on to point out the technical difficulty in weighing the military hardware of two countries against on another. “I mean, the scales are very large,” he said. While selling U.S. aircraft to Pakistan is probably not the best plan of action, it may be necessary to bolster the weakened dollar.

The U.S. has offered to help India with nuclear energy and safety initiatives.

The U.S. offer was not limited to F-16s."That's not just F-16s. It could be F-18s. But beyond that, the U.S. is ready to discuss even more fundamental issues of defense transformation with India, including transformative systems in areas such as command and control, early warning and missile defense." In addition, a statement from New Delhi says that the U.S. has offered to help India with nuclear energy and safety initiatives.

The politics behind this maneuver are complex. The U.S. has to reward Pakistan for being a passive aggressive ally in the war on terror. Meanwhile they must respect India both as an emergent world economic power and a nuclear and military power. In the end, the Bush Administration came to the most logical course of action, escalating an arms race between two groups of people who possess atomic weapons and have been kicking the shit out of each other since the fall of Rome.


First Swede Prosecuted for Sharing Files

Friday, March 25, 2005

(SNN) Sweden, the name of the country invokes images of wine, chocolate, waffles and hash. But a new delicacy is being served up in the land of the Fjords, illegal file sharing.

He has been caught with the film, “Hipp Hipp Hora” on his computer.

The 27 year old man comes from Vasteras, about 35 miles north of Stockholm, and if that isn’t bad enough, he has been caught with the film, “Hipp Hipp Hora” on his computer. This is a story we have heard time and again. A 13 year old has too much to drink at a party and falls asleep. Immature classmates take compromising photos of her being drunk and knocked out and hands them out at school. She is labeled promiscuous and her two best friends avoid her. She must learn to fight back and regain the confidence her dad had instilled in her before she can put things right.

NewsBlog 5000 researchers found it difficult to wade through the law surrounding this case.

This case will be the first time that Sweden’s complex copy protection laws have ever been tried in court. Our NewsBlog 5000 researchers found it difficult to wade through the law surrounding this case. While Sweden’s “The Local” says that it is illegal to upload and legal to download, Reuters says that it is illegal to download but legal to upload. The Local adds this statement from John Linder of the Center Party. “It is, for example, a breach of copyright laws to copy a music book, but it is not illegal to receive or use the copied book,” said the party’s legal affairs spokesman, Johan Linander. “It should be no more complicated than that in the digital arena,” he added. But we can accurately say that there is some kind of law, it seems to affect files on computers and some guy may or may not have broken that law over a kind of lame movie.

Uppsala prosecutor Katrin Rudstrom says that this case will have vital implications for the future. Rudstrom’s grasp on the intricacies of the case just goes to show the Swedish are far beyond the level sophistication than our research suggested. In fact, in her entire time talking to the press, she refused to throw utensils and yell, “Bork Bork Bork”.

The other interesting distinction in this case is that the Vasteras man would be prosecuted criminally, whereas, in the United States, such cases are prosecuted in a civil court. So in Sweden a file sharer could receive a suspended sentence and some community service. While in the U.S. file sharers are sued for crippling amounts of money, which ironically takes away their power to purchase music and movies in the future.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


Last year I started a website that featured me wearing costumes in style similar to Pokemon characters. The site especially focuses on my feet and having people play with my feet while in these costumes. I have gotten popular enough with the furry foot fetish community that I am making a good amount of money, especially after I started selling private by request videos and used socks. Now, one of my better customers wants to meet me. I wouldn’t mind meeting him, and he says he is willing to pay some good money to see me. But I am afraid that he is some kind of weirdo, or that he will want to have sex with me.

Toni M


Being that this man has spent large amounts of money on your furry foot fetish site, I don’t think we need to worry about whether or not he is a weirdo. He probably is not interested in having sex with you. He may have some designs on the feet of your costumes, and he may want you to be in them at the time. Whether or not you will allow this should depend on how washable your costumes are.



You are going to think that this sounds gay. I have this friend who is gay. We have socialized many times and he has suggested that we have anal sex. I really want to, but I am afraid that if I do this I may be labeled as gay.

Stan M


I’m not exactly sure what the threshold is. But whether or not you wish to be labeled, if you continue to have anal sex with men for an extended period of time, you may be considered gay. Actually recent studies show that most anal sex now occurs between heterosexual partners. Since breaking up with my boyfriend Roy and rejoining the singles scene, I have been made painfully aware of this fact. Not wanting to be labeled as straight, gay men almost never have anal sex anymore. But, as I said, if you continue to have sex with men and enjoy it, maybe you better consider that you might be gay.



New Memo Shows Bin Laden at Tora Bora

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

(SNN)A newly released document from the Pentagon has given a definitive statement that Osama bin Laden was present at Tora Bora and evaded her pursuers. The document represents the first definitive statement from the Pentagon that bin Laden was at Tora Bora and evaded his pursuers.

The detainee was one of Osama’s commanders during the Soviet jihad.

The document, obtained by the Associated Press via the Freedom of Information Act, says a detainee held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba “assisted in the escape of Osama bin Laden from Tora Bora.” The document claimed that the detainee was one of Osama’s commanders during the Soviet jihad. While it does not elaborate on the detainee’s current connection to bin Laden, it does ascertain he was "present at Tora Bora".

Kerry accused Bush of relying on Afghan warlords to hunt bin Laden.

This document is important because of the denials of President Bush and Vice President Cheney during the 2004 elections. John Kerry accused President Bush of relying on Afghan warlords to hunt bin Laden, rather than sending in more capable US forces. While their challengers asserted that Osama could have been captured at Tora Bora, the President and Vice President claimed there was no way of knowing whether or not Osama had been there at the time.

Out of fairness, it is not known if Osama could have been captured even if U.S. Forces had been used in the Tora Bora operation. Showing that there is no end to his cleverness, Osama disguised himself as Wajjmah, a young Afghani girl of negotiable affection, and seduced the simple soldiers of the warlords. After spending three weeks as a camp follower, he was able to make his way across the Pakistan border to freedom.


Seal Clubbing Season Starts Amid Controversy

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

(SNN)Canada, long seen as the kinder, gentler America, has given the go ahead for the largest seal hunt in decades. This has angered many animal rights activists, but has pleased the few but enthusiastic seal clubbing devotees.

The hunt would hope to cull some 320,000 seals.

Tuesday, a government spokesman in Ottawa announced that the seal hunt would last two months. The seal population is reaching record levels as commercial fish stocks are vanishing, the authorities say. The hunt would hope to cull some 320,000 seals.

To discourage the Canadian government, animal rights activists have planned a boycott of Canadian seafood. "I think that they [the Canadian government] are feeling the heat... they can see the really serious implication of going ahead with the hunt this year," said Pat Ragan of the Humane Society of the United States.

The harp seal herd is currently sitting at five million, the largest it has ever been

However, Mark Tracey of the Seal Clubbing Association of Toronto, SCAT, believes the ecological balance is not always clear cut. Tracey summed up the philosophy of his organization in one simple phrase: “We just like to hit the seals with big sticks, eh?”

The harp seal herd is currently sitting at five million, the largest it has ever been and large scale hunts are likely to be a regular occurrence until the population drops to four million. Many have pointed out to activists that this is the least cruel method to decrease the population size. If the herd continues to grow at its current rate, there will not be enough fish available for feeding. Cold and hungry, the seals will have to turn to cannibalism.

One official told us: "We have to do our job responsibly. We are looking at the middle ground, taking into account conservation and the need to give a baby seal really good clubbing."


Making the World Safe, One Cheerleader at a Time

Monday, March 21, 2005

(SNN)Al Edwards, Houston area lawmaker, has introduced a bill into the Texas Legislature that would ban “sexually suggestive” dancing from the arsenal with which cheerleaders use to fire up audiences.

Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, would ban "sexually suggestive" performances by school dance teams

The bill filed by state Rep. Al Edwards, D-Houston, would ban "sexually suggestive" performances by school dance teams, drill teams and cheerleaders at athletic events or competitions. Edwards claims that he finds rump shaking especially distasteful. Also, the bill would introduce more reasonable standards in cheerleading uniforms. With the chest, midriff, legs, arms and head covered, cheerleaders would no longer be seen as a sex object.

Rep. Edwards is especially surprised that their peers approve of cheerleaders dancing suggestively and scantily clad. "I don't think that children should think that they can do these sexually oriented types of marches or dances," Edwards said Friday. "And that's when they get the most cheering from all the young people in the stands.” Edwards stated he thought that many teenage cheerleaders received too much lenience at home. In the spirit of fairness, Edwards offered to firmly discipline any cheerleader that would “come round to [his] place”.

Edwards stated he thought that many teenage cheerleaders received too much lenience at home.

In addition to closely viewing the suggestive dances of cheerleaders and majorettes at sporting events, Edwards has watched Debbie Does Dallas: The Revenge, Cheerleader Diaries 2, Lesbian Cheerleader Squad 2, Valley Cheerleader Sorority 2, Ripe Cherry Cheerleaders, and Black Cheerleader Search 39, multiple times. After watching countless hours of cheerleader smut, Edwards stands firm in his message, "Let's not have our young girls being exploited this way in our school districts."

In 1995, Al Edwards proposed legislation that would change his legal determination from “human” to “turnip”. In 1989, he proposed allowing the state to amputate the fingers of drug dealers. In 1991, he introduced a bill calling for a statewide vote on allowing corporal punishment of inmates in state prisons, saying that disciplinary measures such as flogging would help rehabilitate prisoners. After the research that he did for this bill, Edwards may be one of the world's foremost experts in flogging.

Editor’s Note:
Thanks to Whymrhymer, who first broke this important story.


Sentencing for Convicted Rapper

Sunday, March 20, 2005

(SNN) Rapper Lil’ Kim was handed four guilty verdicts in a New York courtroom yesterday. Although she was acquitted of her most serious charges, obstruction of justice, she could end up with prison time.

For each charge of rapping, Lil' Kim could receive up to five years.

For each charge of rapping, Lil' Kim could receive up to five years. It is conceivable that the 29 year old could be 50 years old by the time she finishes her prison sentence. Kim will be sentenced by Judge Gerard Lynch. It seems unlikely that Judge Lynch will give Lil’ Kim anything like the 20 years possible.

High profile attorney David Scharf kept a close eye on Lil' Kim during her trial, and believed the rapper was in trouble before the trial even got started. "The fact that [during her earlier grand jury testimony] she got up and denied meeting people when there were pictures of her with those people [put her] in a difficult situation," he said.

Lil Cease displayed a great amount of legal acumen

In addition to using Kim’s own words against her, prosecutors also relied on testimony from people such as former co-manager Damion Butler and Suif "Gutta" Jackson, a member of her former youth organization Junior M.A.F.I.A, who cooperated as part of a plea bargain.

Despite Lil’ Kim’s problems with the law, one of her contemporaries, Lil Cease, displayed a great amount of legal acumen. "When they subpoena you, you go to court or they take your ass to jail. It's just that simple," said fellow Junior M.A.F.I.A. member, who was also a key witness for the prosecution. Cease said he agrees with Scharf, who believes Kim should've tried working out a plea deal rather than risking it all with a trial. If Lil' Cease could have served as legal counsel for Kim, the trial might have gone quite differently.

The legal team of Cease and Scharf expect Kim will be sentenced to five to seven and a half years, but they expect an appeal. "I don't see any great appellate grounds for it," he said, "but an appeal will perhaps give her negotiating leverage… in exchange for a post-verdict, post-sentencing plea bargain, where she will have to do less time." However, Cease has said that he refuses to represent anyone who has “forgotten what BIG taught us”.


The Softer Side of Preemptive War

Saturday, March 19, 2005

(SNN)Paul Wolfowitz has said that his image as the sadistic lunatic who designed the doctrine of preemptive war is only half the story. As an intensive lobbying effort to defuse opposition to his nomination and prepare himself for his new role, Wolfowitz has been meeting with many of the bank directors.

His image as the sadistic lunatic who designed the doctrine of preemptive war is only half the story.

The U.S. deputy defense secretary described his critics as "people who don't know me" and said when they once "get to know me they will realize fairly quickly that I'm about a lot more than military issues, about a lot more than just the Iraq war and that a good deal that has been written about me is an inaccurate caricature." Wolfowitz was quick to point out his involvement in community theater and his love of jazz dance.

Amongst Wolfowitz’s greatest beliefs is that countries should embrace a free market economy. He believes that true laissez-faire style of government is ultimately for the best of everyone. This “hands-off” style of government has grown increasingly popular in Latin America. After a dozen years of privatization, deregulation, and free trade, many Latin American countries sit on the brink of a complete economic breakdown, except of course in Venezuela, which is communist.

"I am certainly not going to impose the U.S. agenda on the bank." -Wolfowitz

Wolfowitz says he a firm advocate of the sanctity of the sovereignty of “the little” nations. This especially showed during the rebuilding of Iraq. The defense secretary believes that the people of a country have the ultimate say in what goes on with that country. He believes that as long as a democratically elected government doesn’t become selfish and put their own interests above the U.S. or corporate interests, they can do anything they want.

If confirmed in the post, Wolfowitz said that, "I am certainly not going to impose the U.S. agenda on the bank." Wolfowitz went on to say that he would not have to impose President Bush’s agenda. The U.S. deputy defense secretary contends it is in all countries best interests to want what President Bush wants. He also says that while he brings the countries around of these goals, he regrets any short period of discomfort that might be realized, such as an all out invasion and occupation.


Editor’s Note: Apologies

Saturday, March 19, 2005

I would just like to assure our most avid readers that our lapse yesterday was not due to a lack of pertinent news. Rather, the entire NewsBlog5000 staff was busy speeding the recovery of Alice Humbees from St. Patrick’s Day. I need to apologize to Alice’s many fans. As of the start of her bender, she had not finished her column. We would also like to apologize to the local Channel 6 news team, and we hope their anchor recovers soon.

It has been a little while since I had a chance to write one of these little notes. And I have a personnel change to announce. Skippy will be finishing his internship early next month. I would like to extend my most heartfelt thanks to Skippy on his journey into the future. I would also like to thank him for writing the bulk of our articles in the first six months of our publication. While we did not have money to pay Skippy, he can at least leave with two things, my respect and a letter of recommendation with an actual cash value of 1/33rd of a cent.

I have been heavily interviewing replacements, and sometime within the next two weeks, I hope to announce a replacement for Skippy.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Gerry Adams Refuses to Disband IRA

Thursday, March 17, 2005

(SNN) As everyone else in the world was allowed to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day, excluded Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams said that he alone could not disband the IRA, no matter how much pressure was put on him by U.S. Leaders.

The IRA has been accused in the tavern murder of Catholic civilian Robert McCartney

The IRA has been accused in the tavern murder of Catholic civilian Robert McCartney on January 30. Allegations have also risen of the IRA’s involvement in the world’s largest cast theft, stealing the equivalent of $50 million from a Belfast Bank on December 20. Although, many people are quick to point out that they heist is not even in the top 10 largest bank robberies after it is adjusted for inflation.

Even assuming Adams is a high ranking member of the IRA, it seems unlikely that the organization would disband no matter how nicely he asked. To add to this problem, when Adams pushed the IRA into a cease fires in 1994 and 1997, some hard line elements split into several different small militant IRA factions and a A-HA cover band. It is likely that a disbanding of the more moderate members allied with Sinn Fein would actually increase membership of these more radical factions.

President Bush however has remained firm in his stance.

President Bush however has remained firm in his stance. Bush met today with Ireland’s Prime Minister Bertie Ahern. The meeting was cordial even though Bush said that he was disappointed that Ahern wasn’t “little ‘n green”. In talking with Ahern, Bush reiterated that he will never be able to forgive the IRA for what they did to Harrison Ford and his family.

Fox Television has announced that it will take on the Irish Republican Army in its new specials: “The World’s Most Shocking Bank Robberies” and “When Good IRA Goes Bad”. The specials will include an interview with South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Mike Darnell, an executive vice president at Fox, said the network loves the genre and will "milk it until it dies" in viewer popularity.


US Senate Votes to Begin Drilling of Middle Class

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

(SNN) The U.S. Senate Wednesday voted 51 to 49 to open the middle class in the State of Alaska to drilling, handing President Bush a key victory. Supporters say that billions of dollars could be pumped from the middle class.

"It is a way to get some additional reserves here at home on the books," Bush said.

The vote came as prices reached record highs. Just two hours before the vote, President Bush, who has made access to the middle class a key part of his economic agenda, urged the Senate to support the measure. "It is a way to get some additional reserves here at home on the books," Bush said.

Republican Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska said billions could be pumped from the Alaskan middle class and the drilling would reduce U.S. dependence on tapping other countries, such as the volatile Middle East, for sources of income. However, opponents say that despite harsh drilling Alaska’s population is too small to even partially lower the debt that Bush has built up.

Senator Stevens of Alaska said billions could be pumped from the Alaskan middle class.

Some say that the issue is far from over. Big business must still buy the rights to tap the middle class from the government and the state of Alaska. Additionally, the middle class may be probed for up to ten years before anything is produced.

Democrats, with support from moderate Republicans, have repeatedly blocked measures to drill Alaskans over the years. Nevertheless, the Senate made it clear by Wednesday’s vote that a majority now supports tapping the closely guarded territory.


Bedford Falls, a Different Look

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

(SNN) The film was a disappointment when it was first released, and it was almost entirely forgotten. It entered the public domain in 1974 and gained popularity as television networks began playing it to skirt paying royalties on Christmas programming. It’s been listed amongst the best films of all time. There are very few people who would disapprove of ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ becoming a fundamental part of Christmas.

the movie seems to have very little to do the Birth of Christ, Santa Claus or even presents.

One of these people is Benny Dorenstern. Dorenstern is the author of “Why Not Potterville? A Conservative Prospective” a critical analysis of the story from the standpoint of a contemporary conservative.

Dorenstern’s book points out that the movie seems to have very little to do the Birth of Christ, Santa Claus or even presents. “The first thing you should remember is that despite the fact that the movie takes place on Christmas Eve, the ‘good people’ of Bedford Falls aren’t in church. While the movie is dubbed a Christmas classic, it has very little to do with how actual people spend their Christmas Eve.”

George Bailey was a bad businessman and it was his personal responsibility to fix his problems.

But the main problem that Dorenstern has with the movie is the Christmas miracle itself. “George Bailey was a bad businessman and it was his personal responsibility to fix his problems. He was the one who ultimately made the decision that his Drunken, Ted Kennedy like, Uncle Billy could courier money for the building and loan. The idea that his customers would come to him and help him out of the kindness of their hearts reeks of communism.”

The book also points out several passages which it considers communist and liberal. A favorite passage to site is this speech given by George Bailey to Mr. Potter, “Just remember this, Mr. Potter: that this rabble you're talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath.”

But Dornestern does not assess blame on George Bailey alone. “The people of Bedford Falls were foolish to invest their money with Bailey’s broken down building and loan. They complained that the property owners of Potter’s field ‘lived like pigs’ a term communists often applied to visionary capitalistic investors. If they had allowed Potter the capital, Potter’s field would have far surpassed Bailey Park. Plus the people would have had the security of knowing that their money was in a proper bank, not one run by drunken communists.”


Christian Profiles

Monday, March 14, 2005

This guest column is provided to us by Dale Carnast, Director of Religious Studies at Boston Harbor University.

We hear more and more everyday about more people coming to understand that their purpose in life is to serve Christ. But who are these people brought fresh to the lord? This article profiles three people who have seen Christ’s hand in remaking their lives for the better.

All Day I Dream About Sacrament

On Saturday, Brian Welsh was baptized in the Jordan River. Welsh wore a white robe and sported a messianic beard for the festivities. Brian is currently residing in Israel, where he began working on solo material to be released under the moniker Head.

"Korn has parted ways with guitarist Brian 'Head' Welch, who has chosen Jesus Christ as his savior, and will be dedicating his musical pursuits to that end," a statement from the band reads. "Korn respects Brian's wishes, and hopes he finds the happiness he's searching for."

Brian says that God speaks to him though his songs, and that God has given him a personal message for 50 Cent. "The Big Guy speaks through me a lot when I write, and I have a song for 50 Cent I wrote in the Holy Land. I feel like it's a personal letter to 50 from God, so I'm going to give it to him personally and see what his reaction is." Welch said he doesn't fear retribution from 50; rather, he feels protected by the fact that he's merely acting as an emissary between God and the former Curtis Jackson.

It is unknown who Head will pick to save next, but the smart money is that if he succeeds with 50 Cent, he will set his sights on Dr. Dre.

Colorado Railroading

When you think of a fired Colorado University professor, who do you think of? Most probably you think of the American Hating, Long Haired, Fake American Indian, Moammar Gadhafi loving, and art stealing Ward Churchill. But what about another professor named Paul Mitchell, who is only guilty of trying to do the Lord’s work?

Paul Mitchell is an award winning instructor. He is very popular with his students, but something about his teaching style angers the history department of Colorado University. One of the books he uses to teach is a Christian Book.

Mitchell has been informed that like other department professors ready for renewal, his term contract will only be renewed for one year, instead of the customary three. He instantly knew that he was being persecuted for being Christian. As a conservative, and even worse, an evangelical Christian and a popular bad guy on the Eastenders, Mitchell wondered how he lasted for twenty years on the CU campus. Mitchell has no recourse because, unlike Churchill, he has no tenure and is not really being fired. Also unlike Churchill, when Mitchell was notified of his situation, there was no protest or public outcry.

But Mitchell knows the real reason why he was fired. He recently admitted to the Lord in prayer that he was discouraged because neither CU nor the history department seemed to appreciate his efforts, and that he expected that he would be fired. And Mitchell says he can see God's hand in the situation. "I don't believe that my firing and the Ward Churchill fiasco happened at the same time by accident," Mitchell says. "I believe that God put those together."

Mitchell adamantly denies proselytizing. When he leaves CU, Mitchell hopes to find a teaching job at a college where his version of history will be more accepted. "My life is in the Lord's hands, and I am His to use as He wishes." Also, it has been announced that his character will be returning to the Eastenders in early Spring after being set up for an armed heist by arch enemy Den Watts.

Gunman Wants to Help Others

Courthouse shooting suspect Brian Nichols should make his first appearance before a judge on Tuesday. Nichols will likely face multiple homicide charges in the deaths of a Superior Court judge, a court reporter, a sheriff's deputy and a U.S. Immigration officer, as well as assault charges.

Early Sunday Morning, Nichols took a woman hostage. The woman Ashley Smith read to Nichols from the book ‘A Purpose Driven Life’, which had been recommended to her by her pastor. Ashley said that the alleged rapist and killer was not a bad person.

After Ashley Smith spoke about God and read aloud from the book for 7 hours, Nichols was ready to turn himself in. When Smith asked him what he thought his life’s mission was, he said he wanted to help others, “I think (my life’s work is) to talk to people and tell them about you.”


Missile Strikes Northwest

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Officials across the Pacific Northwest were flooded with calls from startled residents last night. People all the way from Northern California to Washington reported seeing a fiery object light up the sky at about 7:45 p.m. Saturday. While the mainstream media was quick to support a meteor strike, not everyone is so sure.

While the mainstream media was quick to support a meteor strike, not everyone is so sure.

Duane Phelps is someone who is not convinced on the official story. “It says right in the paper that Scientists think it were a meteor that hit. But right below that, they say that meteors that turn into fireballs are uncommon.” Phelps was quick to point out logical flaws in the story that the mainstream media is telling. “This feller here, Dick Pugh, says it was a meteor, but he also works for the ‘Cascadia Meteorite Laboratory’, so he obviously has some conflict of interest involved in making people think about meteors.” Phelps also said that the object seemed to be moving quite slowly for a “normal meteor”.

Phelps also said that the object seemed to be moving quite slowly for a “normal meteor”.

Phelps blames Al-Qaeda or possibly Russia for the missile attack. “Al-Qaeda definitely has the motive, hating our freedom and all, and if they got a hold of a missile, I’m sure they’d launch it at us.” Phelps holds a different theory on the Russian motivation. He continued, “Russia on the other hand, if it was them, they were probably just bored. They have all those old missiles just burning a hole in their pockets. And, it gets awfully cold up there this time of year, not a lot to do. They have been awfully buddy-buddy with the Iranians lately though.”

FEMA stated that the object was probably a fragment from a meteor shower that was expected this week. Jim Todd, planetarium director of the Oregon Museum of Science & Industry said the meteor might not have even been noticed if it had entered the atmosphere during the daytime.

Despite his conviction that the object was a missile attack, Phelps says he is unconcerned. “They can go ahead and throw anything at me. I have my plastic and duct tape, just like I was told. I am ready.”


Plans for Iranian Nuclear Strike Probably Exaggerated

Saturday, March 12, 2005

(SNN) Despite Iran’s disobeying of President Bush’s plans to disarm their nuclear program, there is no immediate plan to strike at Iran with America’s nuclear arsenal. They have gone as far as to refuse an offer made by the United States to offer a bonus to halt their dangerous weapons program.

Iran wantonly continues to develop nuclear weapons.

Despite the wishes of the United States, Iran wantonly continues to develop nuclear weapons. Their brazen attack to remove the sovereignty of United States continues unabated. "The Islamic Republic of Iran is determined to use nuclear technology for peaceful purposes, and no pressure, bribe or threat can make Iran give up its legitimate right," Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Hamid Reza Asefi said in a statement.

The United States dared to soil itself by joining France and Germany to offer incentives

The United States even went as far as lowering itself to work with the European Union in offering Tehran an ultimatum to halt sensitive fuel cycle work. The United States dared to soil itself by joining France and Germany to offer incentives to stop the inevitable disaster of Iran's destruction. Instead of accepting the generous offer of membership to the WTO and surplus airplane parts, an Iranian spokesman hid behind the corrupt UN, claiming that the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), the UN watchdog that monitors the NPT, has "frequently reported that Iran's nuclear activities are peaceful."

Unfortunately, Iran probably has nothing to fear from America’s immense nuclear arsenal. But it would behoove them to remember that at any whim of President Bush they could be burning in the righteous flame of nuclear death. There can only be so long that the United States can hold out from unleashing hell on earth to stop these religious zealots from be able to try to produce fuel that may one day be used to create a nuclear weapon.


News in Brief

Friday, March 11, 2005

Pentagon Clears Pentagon of Wrongdoing

A recent Pentagon Report has shown the Pentagon had no knowledge and can hold no responsibility in the various prison abuse and prisoner mistreatment scandals. Furthermore, the Pentagon has exonerated Pentagon chief, Donald Rumsfeld, of any wrongdoing.

Senate Protects Banks from Citizens

In a bold showing of bipartisan cooperation today, the Senate approved the largest bankruptcy adjustment in 27 years. The bill removes the safety net that prevents credit card issuers from imposing huge interest rates on the mentally feeble. Ultimately this bill is hoped to stop the unemployed from creating small businesses.

Image hosted by Hall of Famer Tommy Lasorda was beheaded by DEA agents earlier this year.

Canseco Wants Immunity

Jose Conseco asked Thursday for immunity from prosecution if he’s to testify before a congressional committee. Canseco may fear persecution from agents under the war on drugs that have the legal right to burst into his home, seize all his property and cut off his head on suspicion of drug use. As yet, no explanation has been given as to why congress is making a big deal out of this.

Apple Backs Blu-Ray

Apple has joined the Blu-Ray association. Blu-Ray is a consortium of computer companies striving to make their standard a player in the next generation of DVDs. Blu-Ray’s critics promote the HD-DVD standard as the superior format and warn that the power Blu-Ray lasers will eventually eat though the disks, the players, and burn a hole to the center of the Earth.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I was a relatively successful man and I was living well within my means. The problem was that I could not find a woman to share my life with me. Because I had some disposable income, I decided to contact one of those agencies that find Russian women for American men. I ended up meeting and getting married to this wonderful girl, Nellya. The problem is that I liked Nellya so much and it went so smoothly that I ended up getting two more Russian brides. I thought I could manage it at first, but lately, I have had quite the time keeping my secret from my wives and the authorities. Can you give me any advice?

Roger M


You have been very lucky not to have been caught so far. Most accomplished polygamists will tell you that keeping your wives in different states is the key to success. In your case, at the very least, I would suggest setting your wives up in different INS districts. You should be prepared for some rigorous time management. Also, you may have to change jobs to something to plausibly explain you absence and travel to your various wives. If you just don’t think that you can manage this life style, you are going to have to decide which wife you like the most and kill the other two.



I have been dating this woman for quite awhile and we are considering getting married. However, my girlfriend has an odd fetish. She likes to have live fish swim around in her mouth, sometimes for hours at a time. The problem is that I have a saltwater tank and she is allergic to saltwater fish. I really like her and can picture her as my wife, but I do not want to give up the effort that I have put into maintaining a saltwater tank.

Ervin M


Many couples have to make adjustments to their lives when they get married. But you don’t always have to compromise. Some couples have separate beds. I even knew a couple who had separate bedrooms. It seems to me that you could have two tanks in your house, one for you and one for your fiancé. That way you can have your fish and eat them too.



Bush Calls for IRA to Pull Troops from Lebanon

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

(SNN) As part of his continuing effort to continue democracy in the world, President Bush has renewed his call for the IRA to pull its troops out of Lebanon. However, some analysts have warned Bush not to overestimate his ability to drive change in that region.

President Bush has renewed his call for the IRA to pull its troops out of Lebanon.

President Bush said that freedom would not prevail in the Middle East until the Irish Republican Army removed its 14,000 troops, following the February assassination of former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafik al-Hariri. In what he called a message to the Lebanese people, Mr. Bush said the world is witnessing a great movement of conscience.

In Beirut on Tuesday, an estimated 500,000 people marched to support the IRA occupation

However not all in Lebanon support the pullout of the IRA. In Beirut on Tuesday, an estimated 500,000 people marched to support the IRA occupation, singing national songs and proclaiming their loyalty to pro-Irish President Bashar Assad in the face of intensifying foreign pressure. The Catholic demonstrators marched some six kilometers (3.5 miles) through Beirut from the upscale Mezzeh neighborhood to the presidential palace in Malki, singing national songs and carrying posters bearing Assad's image and banners.

Jamila Kennedy, a 21-year-old university student, said she had come to express her support for Assad and her country. "I tell those who are imposing such pressures that the Catholic nation is one, and we will not allow them to interfere in our affairs," she said.

Meanwhile, in Northern Ireland, Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness, Sinn Fein’s leader and deputy leader, have continued to distance themselves from the actions of the IRA and refuse to take any responsibility for the Lebanese situation.


McCain’s Big Cable Bill

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

(SNN)John McCain, one of the key architects of the campaign contribution reform legislation that bears his name, now appears to be in a conflict of interest in the way his Reform Institute accepted money.

McCain invited the CableVision CEO to testify before a Senate committee on a la carte pricing

The issue stems from two donations of $100,000 from a cable company called CableVision. The nation's eighth largest cable provider, Cablevision serves 3 million customers in the New York area. After McCain invited the CableVision CEO to testify before a Senate committee on a la carte pricing, the company was solicited for the donations by McCain’s chief political advisor, Rick Davis. In addition to the $200,000, CableVision pays Davis an additional $110,000 a year. This has led many analysts to believe that there was either some sort of backroom deal going on, or that Davis is extremely good at talking people out of their money.

Picture the Senator rolling around in piles of money and touching himself inappropriately

McCain has pointed out that before you picture the Senator rolling around in piles of money and touching himself inappropriately, you should remember that the CableVision donations were not in conflict with the McCain Feingold bill. "If it was a PAC [political action committee] or if it was somehow connected to any campaign of mine, I would say to you, that's a legitimate appearance of conflict of interest. But it's not," McCain told The Associated Press. "There's not a conflict of interest when you're involved in an organization that is nonpartisan, nonprofit, nonpolitical."

While McCain claims that the organization is nonpolitical, it is very keen on promoting John McCain. The organization’s website seems a virtual shrine to McCain. While McCain chairs the organizations advisory board, he claims to have little or no affiliation with the group. McCain claims that lately they have become too “clingy” and that he has not answered their calls or returned their messages in quite awhile.

John McCain is a Senator from Arizona.

A la Cart pricing is a method for reducing the size of cable bills for people who only watch Real Sex.


U2 Singer Candidate for World Bank President

Monday, March 07, 2005

(SNN) On Sunday, John Snow, the Treasury Secretary announced that he has not ruled out the idea of adding Bono to the list of potential candidates for President of the World Bank.

The position of President of the World Bank is traditionally held by a United States citizen

Snow said, "I am not going to review here all the candidates that are on the list. But I will attest to my admiration for Bono. He does a lot of good in this world of economic development. Most people know him as a rock star — he's in a way a rock star of the development world, too. He understands the give-and-take of development. He's a very pragmatic, effective and idealistic person."

The position of President of the World Bank is traditionally held by a United States citizen, but exceptions have been made in the past. However to hold the position it is uncertain as to whether Bono would have to obtains U.S. citizenship and a last name.

the President manages the 10,000 employees of the World Bank

Besides running a board of 24 members, the President must make decisions on loan approvals and set priorities to the bank. Additionally, the President manages the 10,000 employees of the World Bank, and at the end of the fiscal week, that means a lot of timesheets to approve and checks to sign.

The President of the World Bank is also an international spokesman, and must travel extensively. If Bono is offered and accepts the position, it is likely that he will begin traveling on March 28th in San Diego and make appearances at several functions until he reaches Boston on May 28th. He will most likely be traveling with the King of Leon. Then he will travel through Europe in the company of Franz Ferdinand, Keane, the Killers, and Snow Patrol. He will then likely return to the U.S. via Air Canada Centre in Toronto and make his way through Chicago, New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Dallas, Miami, Cleveland and Salt Lake City, winding up on December 19 at the Rose Garden in Portland, Oregon. No opening acts have been announced for the second leg of the diplomatic tour.


Gibbons Supports Death Penalty for Liberals

Sunday, March 06, 2005

U.S. Representative from Nevada, Jim Gibbons took a strong stand on liberalism today. Gibbons accused liberal, movie makers and song makers to “trying to divide this country”. The gubernatorial hopeful believes anyone who does not support the war in Iraq is a “tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie” and that the should be sent to Iraq to be used as human shields.

Hippies should be sent to Iraq to be used as human shields.

Gibbons was a fighter pilot in Vietnam and still blames Hollywood for losing the war. "Hollywood established a climate that made our returning troops feel ostracized", Gibbons said. This comes as a great relief to the Chinese, who usually are forced to take responsibility.

Not everyone is happy with Gibbon’s remarks, however.

Not everyone is happy with Gibbon’s remarks, however. State Senator Diana Titus of Las Vegas, also a gubernatorial hopeful, said Gibbons' comments illustrate "how out of touch he is with most Nevadans." "I guess he thinks that's cute to play to his base," she said. "Why does he find it necessary to use those kind of inflammatory terms about the other side?"

Gibbons' comments came a week after he apologized for calling those who oppose corporate donations for President Bush's inaugural parties "communists." Gibbons claims his motivation for continually bellyaching, complaining, moaning, and criticizing liberals is that he can’t stand how much they whine.


Inflation Not on the Rise

Saturday, March 05, 2005

(SNN) A new report is showing that inflation is not on the rise as was once feared. The report which excludes the prices of goods and services and of payroll and healthcare costs and the costs of fuel and entertainment and livestock shows absolutely no rise in the price of whatever is left over. The gain in price dropped and things are looking up, which is a key influence on mortgage and corporate borrowing rates. Friday's rally nearly erased the week's yield gains, although the 10-year rate was still slightly above last Friday's 4.27 percent close.

The Labor Department reported Friday that 262,000 names were added to payrolls last month, the largest monthly increase since October. However, they were not forthcoming with a list of those names. A survey of economists had a slightly lower number than this with a low number that was much lower and a high number that was higher. The separate household survey was weaker than expected.

Federal Reserve members have said in recent speeches, and, according to meeting minutes, also at their February policy session, that they're mindful of hidden risks. Minneapolis Fed President Gary Stern told a conference of financial analysts in Chicago that he doesn't see pressures building in the near term. Stern holds a vote on a panel in 2005. He told reporters Friday that one month's data won't offer a big enough picture. Stern said he sees the U.S. expansion on solid ground, but did share any opinion on expansion on other surfaces.

One month's data won't offer a big enough picture

The likelihood that the Fed might turn more aggressive increased. The odds for a hike later this month are up to around 60 percent as of late Friday morning, compared with 30 percent earlier this week. But, most private-sector economists argue the persistent evidence of moderate inflation. "With no change in average hourly earnings, it's clear that we're still a long way from a job market," said Bill Cheney, chief economist at John Hancock Financial Services.

Showing little reaction to the University of Michigan's revision to its measure of consumer sentiment last month, the February index was warm, but cooled, marking the third straight month that the index has moderated.


Go Ask Alice

Friday, March 04, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I have been seeing this guy for quite awhile. He is not my boyfriend, but we have fooled around several times. The problem is that he refuses to kiss me. We have done just about everything else, but when I try to kiss him, he pulls away. If I confront him about it, he says that he just doesn’t want to kiss. If I press further, he says that he has had enough kissing in his life, and he is tired of it. What should I do?

Deanne W


Your “friend” may just have intimacy problems. But it could be your own lack of dental hygiene. Do you brush regularly? Do you use mouthwash? you seen a dentist lately? Do you have problems with your teeth or gums? Even if you have healthy teeth, it might be that they are stained or unattractive. Dentists can now to some impressive things cosmetically. I once was on a low carb diet and had horrible breath, but it turned out I just needed to start drinking more water.



Why is it that women who are seeing someone always tell me that I would make a great boyfriend and that they would date me if they were single? They always say things like, “You will make a woman so happy some day.” I can’t tell you how sick I am of hearing that.

Dennis L


I can see two options on why women say those kinds of things to you. The first possibility is that they are control freaks that see you as a weak willed individual that they could walk all over, but they are happy with the pathetic shell of a man that they are currently seeing. Most probably, because they are in a relationship, they never think that they are going to have to date you, and they can say anything they feel like with no consequences. However, there is a slight chance that they are being sincere. In that case, you should try to break up their relationship and see what happens.



Is it ok for my semen to be slightly yellow?

Lawrence H


I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you, but you are going to die.



Courts’ Fate in Hands of High Court

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Two cases in the U.S. Supreme Court considered Wednesday could determine whether judges are allowed to accept biblical law over Federal and State laws. The Court heard arguments from Texas and Kentucky concerning whether using the bible in lieu of U.S. legislation violate the constitutionally required separation of church and state.

Taking up an issued this politically charged has caused widespread interest.

Taking up an issue this politically charged has caused widespread interest. The Supreme Court itself has used biblical law in the past. A lawyer who opposed this drew a challenge from Bishop Anthony Kennedy, who suggested that there may be "obsessive concern" over any mention of religion. This would not even be an issue if non-Christians could simply not break biblical law, he said.

Bishop David Souter seemed skeptical that including other historical documents could sufficiently mask the religious nature of biblical law. "It would be crazy law from this court that said you can engage in religious endorsement. . . so long as you hide the ball well enough," he said. Souter did however allude to the desire of sentencing disobedient children to be “stoned to death”, especially in the movie theater.

Scalia dismissed an argument that the bible provided the basis for the US Declaration of Independence.

Bishop Antonin Scalia dismissed an argument that the bible provided the basis for the US Declaration of Independence. "That's idiotic," he said. "You can't get the Declaration of Independence out of the bible."

Opponents said using biblical law conveyed an unconstitutional message of government-sponsored promotion of religion and must be removed. If they are unable to prove their case, they will likely be deemed heretics and burned at the stake.


Knighthood for Gates

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

(SNN) Today at Buckingham Palace, Britain’s Queen Elizabeth made Bill Gates the title KBE (Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire). Gates and his wife said they were pleased to accept the award which is given for contributions to British interests.

Gates and his wife said they were pleased to accept the award

Later, while speaking to the press, Gates said that the Queen had admitted to him that she was not very technically savvy, but that “all the kids do (use computers) and they are very useful … but typing is not as natural for her as it is for young people."

the UK has been significant in shaping [Microsoft's] international growth

"It's a great honor to have the association with this country and receive an award like this," Mr Gates said. The UK was the first country in which Microsoft set up a subsidiary outside the US and our experience in the UK has been significant in shaping our international growth."

In exchange for the knighthood, The Queen will receive 100,000 shares of Microsoft Stock, valued at 1.3 million pounds, and Price Harry will receive an X-Box and a copy of Halo 2. Gates will now be able to pass laws over Wales and the Hebrides.


A Generation Deprived of Art

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Some people say that the music industry has not gone too far. Those people must be heartless, soulless lunatics. We have just learned that perhaps the most influential television show of the seventies, perhaps of all time, can not be released to DVD because of the cost of music licensing.

WKRP in Cincinnati, centered on a fledgling radio station named WKRP in the city of Cincinnati.

The show, WKRP in Cincinnati, centered on a radio station named WKRP in the city of Cincinnati. The show had a soundtrack comprised of small snippets of the most popular music of the time. "The indication from the studios is that we may never see (WKRP in Cincinnati) because of all the music that would have to be licensed," said David Lambert, of "As the DJ spins the record as he's talking to Loni Anderson, if there is music playing even for a couple of seconds, then the people producing the DVDs would have to license it."

Prevalent shows that drove the popularity of a song may never be released in their entirety.

Ironically, the music industry is hardest of shows that glorify and promote its music. Shows where the experience of music is central to their storylines my never see the light of day in DVD distribution. Because of the cost of licensing, prevalent shows that drove the popularity of a song may never be released in their entirety. Many shows have gone as far as to replace some songs, much to the chagrin of their fans.

This is a sad day, not only for the fans of the show, but for an entire generation of children deprived of seeing a grown man yell “booger”. Because of the inscrutable wiles of the recording industry, children who may have one day believed that Cincinnati had at least one redeeming quality will never get that chance.

Adrian Chevelle, Arts & Leisure