NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Shark Attacks Hot College Girl

Thursday, June 30, 2005

(SNN St. Petersburg) Just one day after we told you about the impending danger to America from sharks, they have attacked again. This time the target was a hot college girl.

Just as she set down her fishing pole and dangled her legs over the side, a large shape appeared in the water and started coming straight toward her. "It leaped out of the water about 5 feet away from me. I pulled my feet up really fast and it started snapping its jaws. I was so scared I forgot to take my finger off the button and just kept clicking,” said Hot College Girl.

Hot College Girl stood on the dock, frozen with fear, and watched the 6-foot shark thrashing about so close to her she got wet from the splashing. "I was afraid to head in," Hot College Girl said. "I thought it would follow me."

Even after this further aggression, some liberals say that sharks are not a danger to our nation. Liberals like Bob Hueter, director of the Center for Shark Research at Sarasota's Mote Marine Laboratory, who says, “Absolutely in no way does this reflect attack or aggressive behavior," he said. "My guess is this animal is having severe problems and she (Hot College Girl) just happened to be in the area and caught it on film. Her presence there had nothing to do with it. This species doesn't go after large prey."

The shark was a mature blacktip. And while the liberal Hueter says that they are not aggressive animals, he admits that they are responsible for 16% of all shark attacks. We would like to ask Mr. Hunter: How many innocent hot American girls must be targeted before an animal is considered aggressive? This is the type of nonsense we can expect from elitist liberal “experts”.


Liberals Soft on Sharks

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

(SNN Miami) Last weekend, a shark killed a 14 year old girl and maimed a 16 year old boy. While the liberal media wants you to believe that shark attacks are a nuisance too rare to bother with, they pose a deadly threat to the sovereignty of this nation.

Sharks can cross our border with little or no difficulty.

The arrogance of the press is unbelievable. The Orlando sentinel went as far as to call shark attacks “rare but inevitable”. But who could look in the face of the 30 people attacked by sharks last year and tell them that the United States has no sympathy for what happened to them?

And we are clearly under siege. Sharks can cross our border with little or no difficulty. Just yesterday afternoon, a blue shark was found dead on Rockaway Beach in Queens. How the shark died is unclear, though one eyewitness said it had a hook in its mouth. "Right away (I thought) the (shark attacks) Florida thing, I said, 'Oh my god, they're coming in here now, too?' So I said, 'This is gonna be a long summer,'" one beachgoer said.

Some claim that those hurt in shark attacks are not the real target and instead sharks chasing fish into a surf zone become confused and bite a person instead. "We aren't on their food chain, so it's such a rarity that this type of thing happens," said John Hudson, owner of Pro Dive in Fort Lauderdale.

This publication supports the Global War on Sharks.

Another arrogant claim of liberals is that the threat of a shark attack is a coastal issue and Midwesterners are overly frightened of shark attacks. But it is clear that if sharks were able to obtain the capability, they would no doubt strike at the heart of the United States. This is why this publication supports the Global War on Sharks.

This is why America must rise up and declare war on Sea World. Long a harbor for sharks, Sea World has been implicated in helping sharks cross the border. Secretary Rumsfeld says that planning is already in place, and the U.S. military could easily take Sea World. "It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months," said Secretary Rumsfeld.

Some say that we should not attack Sea World, but that we should focus on protecting our own beaches from shark attacks. Sam Gruber, who works at the University of Miami, explains why this is impossible. "This is an animal in its natural environment," said Gruber. "This is something you can expect when there are millions of people in the water. There is very little you can do about it."


John Walton Dies at 58

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

(SNN Jackson Hole) John Walton, the billionaire son of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton and a member of the company’s board, died Monday in a plane crash in Wyoming.

Walton, 58, of Jackson, Wyo., was piloting an ultralight that crashed shortly after takeoff from the Jackson Hole Airport in Grand Teton National Park, the company said. He was pronounced dead at the scene, and the cause of the afternoon crash was not known, officials said.

In March, Forbes magazine listed John Walton as No. 11 on its list of the world's richest people with a net worth of $18.2 billion. He was tied with his brother Jim, one spot behind his brother Rob, and just ahead of his sister, Alice, and his mother, Helen.

This article partially assembled in the USA.


Celebrate Diversity – Somewhere Else

Monday, June 27, 2005

(SNN Florida) When Meagan Albright, a graduate student from the University of Florida created an exhibit on gay authors and literature to fulfill a requirement for a course on diversity, she had no idea that it would stir national controversy. But when the Hillsborough County Commission approved a vote of 5 - 1 to "abstain from acknowledging, promoting or participating" in gay pride recognition or events, attention was gotten.

They referred children to youth groups outside Hillsborough County to explore their sexuality

Commissioner Ronda Storms, who introduced the measure and has received the brunt of local criticism about it, said the support pamphlets available at the diplay troubled her the most. "One of the things that occurred was that pamphlets were being distributed to children by librarians who are county employees," Ms. Storms said, "and they referred children to youth groups outside Hillsborough County to explore their sexuality." It is not known if Storms is herself a homosexual, or if her own sexuality has been thoroughly explored.

Storms said that being referred to groups outside the county could lead the children to engage in "high-risk behavior." It is not known how gay and lesbian youth groups within Hillsborough County would be a safer place for a young person to explore their sexuality.

Renee Lee, the Hillsborough County attorney, said it was legal.

While the measure is not popular with gay rights supporters, Renee Lee, the Hillsborough County attorney, said it was legal. "If the county doesn't want to spend money promoting gay rights, they can do that," Ms. Lee said. "It's not a constitutional breach. This is not a free speech issue."

This just is one of the controversial issues the Hillsborough County Commission has dealt with this session. They worked to get land rezoned for the University of Florida, they pledged support for a spay, neuter and canal dredging project, and Commissioner Kathy Castor also participated in this year’s Plant City Strawberry Festival with special guest Rog Stewart.

Attempts of NewsBlog 5000 staff to contact Commissioner Storms about the thorough exploration of her sexuality were unsuccessful.


We Mostly Don’t Negotiate with Terrorists, Mostly

Sunday, June 26, 2005

(SNN London) Today, the Times of London printed an article giving detailed information about a secret meeting between the US military and Iraqi Insurgency leaders. The meeting supposedly took weeks to arrange and produced little results. This comes just a few days after General John Abizaid, the regional US commander suggested that the only way to win in Iraq was to involve the Sunni in the governing process.

Initial talks were on June 3rd and there was a follow-up meeting 10 days later

The initial talks were on June 3rd and there was a follow-up meeting 10 days later, on or around June 13th. Many leaders of the Insurgency were present, but the boogeyman of Al Quaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, blamed for many suicide bombings and beheadings, was not in attendance.

Things started out badly. Insurgency negotiators accused the U.S. representatives of trying to clumsily collect intelligence, as they asked some detailed questions about the hierarchy of the insurgency, the key members and strategists and when and where they might all be together within the blast radius of a cruise missile.

Insurgency negotiators accused the U.S. representatives of trying to clumsily collect intelligence

But the U.S. found no joy from the insurgents. The insurgents were firm with one demand. They demanded the United States set up a clear timetable for withdrawal of all forces from Iraq. Also, insurgency leaders flatly turned down all offers of therapeutic understanding.

It is clear that both sides of this conflict seem to be very determined to carry out two extremely incompatible missions. The question must be asked, why did the Administration compromise our policy on negotiations with terrorists? And if they were not prepared to compromise, what could they possibly have hoped to gain from this encounter?

The demands of the insurgents were surprisingly similar to a bill brought in front of the House of Representatives last week. The Representatives who presented the bill Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), Walter Jones (R-North Carolina), Ron Paul (R-Texas) and Neil Abercrombie (D-Hawaii) will be held in detention until it can be determined how long they have been working with the insurgency.


Insurgency Steps up Efforts in Houston

Saturday, June 25, 2005

(SNN Sugar Land,TX) Thursday, Tom DeLay granted a boon to the citizens of Houston by making public the devastating problems Houston has had with terrorism. "You know, if Houston, Texas, was held to the same standard as Iraq is held to, nobody'd go to Houston, because all this reporting coming out of the local press in Houston is violence, murders, robberies, deaths on the highways," the Texan told reporters.

If Houston, Texas, was held to the same standard as Iraq is held to, nobody'd go to Houston

Yesterday, a car bomber and gunmen ambushed a convoy carrying U.S. Marines in Sugar Land, killing two Marines and leaving another four American troops presumed dead. To date, this is one of the most vicious attacks against Marines in the greater Houston area. News of the Marine deaths came as Bush pledged eventual victory over insurgents. "The enemy's goal is to drive us out of Houston before we have established a secure democratic government. They will not succeed," Bush said.

But some say the religious extremists in charge of Houston’s government are going to slowly drive the city towards civil war. Also, tensions continue to rise in the Shoreacres and Seabrook areas where a heavy bombing campaign may be pushing regular residents into armed revolt. In a sectarian killing on Friday, gunmen killed a local reverend. Police said two bodyguards were also killed try to protect the cleric.

Meanwhile, The World Tribunal on Houston (WTH), a grouping of non-governmental organizations opposed to the war in Houston, on Friday accused the United States of causing more deaths in Houston than ousted Mayor Lee Brown.

The World Tribunal on Houston accused the United States of causing more deaths in Houston

Houston Police also discovered the bodies of eight beheaded men, at least six of whom were farmers, in a region north of Houston on Friday. It was unclear why the men were killed. The relentless carnage has killed more than 1,240 people since April 28.

Meanwhile, this summer in Iraq promises to be a winning combination of sports and outdoor thrills. Yes, after competitive soccer was all but dead, Iraq’s football team is in action again. "I believe Iraqi football has a bright future, but we have to solve the problems in our country. We need safety, we need security for our soccer games,” said German manager Berndt Stange.

And if you’re not a football fan, there are other things to do in Baghdad: visit the museum of fine arts, visit SplashTown and ride the Tornado, see NASA astronauts train at the Baghdad space center, or experience the wonder of nature at the Baghdad zoo.

Update 1: Donald Rumsfeld apparently did not get the memo from DeLay. On his recent trip to Iraq, Rusmefeld rode in a special bomb proof bus, appropriately called the “Rhino Runner”. If he would have known Iraq was so safe, he could have gone around in a soft top humvee, like many of our troops have been forced to use.


Eminem’s Domain Expanded

Friday, June 24, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, rejecting pleas by homeowners fighting to keep their property, the Supreme Court said rapper Eminem could condemn a person’s home or business so the sites could be developed for more lucrative uses.

The 5-4 decision written by Justice John Paul Stevens says the Constitution permits the rapper to condemn a person’s property as part of a broader economic redevelopment plan to revitalize a distressed community. "Promoting economic development is a traditional and long-accepted function of government," the court said, upholding efforts by Em to redevelop a parcel of land in a distressed part of New London, Conn.

Nine New London homeowners had argued that Em’s efforts to condemn their property for the redevelopment project violated the Constitution's 5th Amendment, which says that no private property shall be "taken for public use, without just compensation." The private redevelopment, they said, was not a "public use." But the court agreed with Eminem, holding that the proposed private economic redevelopment, promoted as one that would add jobs and increase tax revenue, did amount to a "public use" that would permit Em to take the homeowners' property after paying them the fair value for it.

This is an appalling decision by the Supreme Court

"This is an appalling decision by the Supreme Court," said Dana Berliner, a senior attorney with the Institute for Justice, which represented the New London homeowners fighting to keep their properties. "It's now just fine to take somebody's home or business away from them just because Eminem thinks someone else can make more profit off that land."

Thursday's decision produced a sharp dissent from Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, who said it means that "any property may now be taken”. Also, many question whether these vast new powers will also extend to Dr. Dre or possible even 50 cent.

The rapper has already announced his intentions to condemn Ja Rule's house in order to build a Wal-Mart, as soon as the location of Ja Rule’s home can be properly determined.


Flag Desecration on the Rise

Thursday, June 23, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted 286-130 to pass a constitutional amendment that would give Congress the ability to pass laws on flag desecration. While proponents of the law have harped on the five or so cases of flag burning that are documented every year, the problem goes much deeper.

Some, such as Rep. Randy (Duke) Cunningham, R-CA believe that the flag is more precious because of 9/11. "Ask the men and women who stood on top of the Trade Center," said Rep. Cunningham. "Ask them and they will tell you: pass this amendment."

NewsBlog 5000 staff attempted to contact a psychic to corroborate Rep. Cunningham’s statements, but we were unable to find any psychics who did not believe that contacting WTC disaster victims was not in bad taste. Their representative in congress, however, thought the amendment was unnecessary. "If the flag needs protection at all, it needs protection from members of Congress who value the symbol more than the freedoms that the flag represents." said Rep. Jerrold Nadler, D-N.Y., whose district includes the site of the former World Trade Center.

The rules of how to properly handle and display the flag are complicated and intricate. Desecration of the flag is so easy to do, that many do it every day without realizing it. As people become more patriotic, they are more likely to possess, and thus mistreat the image of the flag by blowing their noses in a flag handkerchief, or drinking urine from an American flag mug, or storing pornography in an American flag lunch box. Recently a leading political figure, who for the purpose of this article shall remain nameless, was caught signing the flag like an autograph book. It is especially considered disrespectful to wear the image of the flag on clothing. This goes back to a little known incident in 1780 when Ben Franklin was wearing a pair of boxer shorts with the image of the flag and was seen in public pitching a tent.

Chances of passing the amendment seem slim. There have been more than 11,000 attempts in Congress to amend the Constitution; only 27 amendments have won ratification.

As Americans we should consider ourselves lucky that things are going so well in our country that our politicians have nothing better to do than debate this asinine amendment.


IPod Can Disappoint Would-be Hipsters

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Jeffery Gant of Eanonville, FL is upset. Like many he purchased the IPod music player from Apple Computers hoping to improve his image. But like many, his aspirations have fallen far short.

Gant got caught up in the excitement of the IPod advertising.

While watching television, Gant got caught up in the excitement of the IPod advertising. “I saw these people on TV, and they was dancin’ round having a good ole time, and I thought, that’s what’s missing from my life,” says Jeff.

But when Jeffrey put on his new white ear buds and headed to downtown Eanonville, things turned out differently than he had planned. “I put on my Tammy Wynette - 20 Greatest Hits CD and started dancing around like they did on the commercial, but nobody looked at me like I was cool or nothing. In fact, one guy pulled out my ear buds and asked me if I was having a seizure.”

Jeffery has contacted his attorney and is planning to pursue a class action suit

Jeffery has contacted his attorney and is planning to pursue a class action suit against Apple computer for misrepresentation of hipness. His Attorney Aarmon Leech explains why their case is important, “Mr. Gant suffered horrible emotional damage while trying to look hip. Someone must be held accountable for his pain and suffering and the pain and suffering of those like him.”

Representatives of Apple Computer were unavailable for comment. NewsBlog 5000 staff attempted to contact employees of the local Apple store, but ran into the woman who threw us out before. This time, before escorting us out, they took pictures to tape to the back of the cash register.


Skippy Secures the Homeland Part 1

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

It has been a few weeks between Skippy Does Its (or would that be Skippys Does It), so I thought I would give you an update on what has been happening. I have decided to see what it is like securing the homeland, both from the point of view of a citizen tipster and a citizen under investigation. By writing this, I hope to calm fears about Homeland Security and the Patriot Act.

I started off by contacting my old college roommate, Bob, or as he likes to be called Mohammed X. Mohammed converted to Islam shortly before entering college. So I called up Mohammed and asked him if he would be willing to let me report him to homeland security as part of my report. The phone went dead, but I remember that Mohammed had always been very agreeable, so I assumed he would play around.

Mohammed lives in Mississippi, so I sent an email to the Mississippi Bureau of Investigation. Then a week later, I called back to seed how Mohammed fared.

Unfortunately, it seems that his phone still must be out of order, as I have been unable to contact him for several weeks. But as soon as I am able, I will return with “Skippy Secures the Homeland Part 2”.

James Skippenofsky


Bush Welcomes Communists

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

(SNN Washington)Today, President Bush told Vietnamese Prime Minister Phan Van Khai that he supported Vietnam’s bid into the World Trade Organization, but Bush also urged Vietnam to reform its human rights record.

Protestors burned Ho Chi Mihn in effigy and flew the flag of South Vietnam.

The calm of the meeting stood in stark contrast to the protests outside, where freedom hating protestors burned Ho Chi Mihn in effigy and flew the flag of South Vietnam.

Vietnam has set a goal of joining the WTO at the trade organization's next ministerial meeting in December in Hong Kong. Congress would have to vote to assist Vietnam’s entry into the WTO. But President Bush seems confident in his ability to deliver Congress to Vietnam. "We talked about our desire for Vietnam to join the WTO," Bush told reporters.

The United States is currently Vietnam’s largest trade partner.

The United States is currently Vietnam’s largest trade partner. Since the United States and Vietnam restored diplomatic ties ten years ago, two-way trade has risen to $6.4 billion.

Bush stressed that although American and Vietnamese had very different societies and histories, Vietnam’s culture would be respected. The entry of Vietnam into the WTO would effectively end any type of sovereignty the nation once possessed. Under the deal, Vietnam would be renamed “New Texas”.


Rice Denounces Iraq Statement

Monday, June 20, 2005

(SNN Washington) Last week, Republican Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel criticized the Bush administration for mischaracterizing the progress of the war. Secretary of State contradicted his claims yesterday morning on CNN.

They're just making it up as they go along.

Hagel said that he was upset by statements coming out of the White House. "It's like they're just making it up as they go along. The reality is that we're losing in Iraq,” said Hagel "Things aren't getting better; they're getting worse. The White House is completely disconnected from reality.”

But Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice says that things are not as bad as they seem. “These people are moving toward a different future than Saddam Hussein could ever have given them,” Rice said. “The Insurgency is losing the Iraqi people.” She also assured Americans that, “We are not going to have to shoulder this burden until the last moment of violence is over in Iraq. Iraqis will have to do that. But we can leave them a firm foundation for a better future and I think we can do that in a relatively short period of time.”

Rice also says that the Whitehouse is very firmly grounded in reality

Rice also says that the Whitehouse is very firmly grounded in reality, and that the elves that bring her shoes every morning give very good reports about what is happening in Iraq, except for Dennis Kucinich, who was against the war in the first place. When Wolf Blitzer attempted to discredit the elves, Condoleeza calmly asked, “Then were to all my [expletive deleted] shoes come from?”

Although the indefinite timetable of “a relatively short period of time” seems hopeful, it should be taken with a grain of salt. The current administration has shown a propensity to extend deadlines between their initial estimates. Take for example Vice President Dick Cheney who said in March of 2003 that “[M]y belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators. . . . I think it will go relatively quickly. . . (in) weeks rather than months” But despite these setbacks Cheney continues to be optimistic. Just last week he said that the insurgency is in its “last throes”.


Frist says Schiavo was Aware

Sunday, June 19, 2005

(SNN Washington) Bill Frist has consistently set the record straight on his abilities as a Senator. Now he wishes to also make his medical skill well known to the public.

Frist made very clear statements on the health of Terri Schiavo.

Amid the debate on the Senate floor, Frist made very clear statements on the health of Terri Schiavo. He said he spoke "more as a physician than as a U.S. Senator" and questioned the diagnosis of every legitimate doctor to diagnose Schiavo. "I say that I question it," said Frist "and I question it based on a review of the video footage which I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office here in the Capitol"

After the autopsy has shown that Terri Schiavo was actually blind, many say that Frist, who went as far as to suggest Schiavo was responding to visual stimuli, was using his medical reputation to exploit Schiavo and further his political ambitions. But not everyone is so hard on Frist. Some say Frist is merely and idiot and a quack.

Many say that Frist was using his medical reputation to exploit Schiavo and further his political ambitions.

It is expected that on Monday, Frist will again speak on behalf of Terri Schiavo on the Senate floor. Frist plans to convince the Senate that Terri is still alive to pass a last minute “Defense of Terri Schiavo act”. This came as a great surprise to those who cremated her, but Frist insists they did not have all the information.

The only question that really remains is what will the Republican lawmakers who staked their reputations on Terri Schivo going to do next? Rumors say that Jeb Bush has started an investigation attempting to implicate Michael Schiavo in the UN Oil for Food scandal, the gassing of Kurdish villages, and the Wendy’s finger incident. After showing unlimited capacity for idiocy and incompetence, Frist may well run for President. And Tom DeLay is jetting off to Hawaii, on the tab of a Houston area ministry, where he will faith heal children in wheelchairs.


Senator Dick Durbin is a Madman

Saturday, June 18, 2005

(SNN Skokie) Clearly insane Senator Dick Durbin compared our treatment of prisoners in Guantanamo to the treatment of prisoners in other fascists regimes. Who does this guy think he is to speak about how the government is run (other than the legally elected representative of half of Illinois)?

But rather than to judge this insane, crazy, ignominious, madman ourselves, we will let his words speak for him.

When you read some of the graphic descriptions of what has occurred here -- I almost hesitate to put them in the record, and yet they have to be added to this debate. Let me read to you what one FBI agent saw. And I quote from his report:

"On a couple of occasions, I entered interview rooms to find a detainee chained hand and foot in a fetal position to the floor, with no chair, food or water. Most times they urinated or defecated on themselves, and had been left there for 18-24 hours or more. On one occasion, the air conditioning had been turned down so far and the temperature was so cold in the room, that the barefooted detainee was shaking with cold....On another occasion, the [air conditioner] had been turned off, making the temperature in the unventilated room well over 100 degrees. The detainee was almost unconscious on the floor, with a pile of hair next to him. He had apparently been literally pulling his hair out throughout the night. On another occasion, not only was the temperature unbearably hot, but extremely loud rap music was being played in the room, and had been since the day before, with the detainee chained hand and foot in the fetal position on the tile floor."

If I read this to you and did not tell you that it was an FBI agent describing what Americans had done to prisoners in their control, you would most certainly believe this must have been done by Nazis, Soviets in their gulags, or some mad regime -- Pol Pot or others -- that had no concern for human beings. Sadly, that is not the case. This was the action of Americans in the treatment of their prisoners.

Update 1: Due to complaints, we would like to apologize for our use of the word “other”.

Update 2: Due to complaints, we would like to apologize for using of the word “ignominious”.


Chock full of Mercury Goodness

Friday, June 17, 2005

(SNN DeKalb) An article on The Huffington Post says that ABC killed Robert Kennedy Jr. interviews. The interviews all centered around Mr. Kennedy's investigation of thimerosal, a mercury based preservative, used in vaccines given to children.

The interviews all centered around Mr. Kennedy's investigation of thimerosal

While ABC says that it had no intention of killing the interviews, the Huffington Post is standing behind its statements. “Had anyone called us abut your unsourced posting I would have been glad to tell you that ABC News is hard at work on that report, said ABC, “We will air when and if we deem it ready.” To corroborate this evidence, it should be noted that interviews were cancelled on ABC World News Tonight, 20/20, and Good Morning America.

Bill Frist is not sure that mercury is bad for children.

But not everyone is sure that mercury is bad for children. Bill Frist added a rider onto the Patriot Act called the "Eli Lilly Protection Act" so the drug manufacturer could not be sued by people who suspected that pumping mercury into their children was harmful. This was completely unrelated to the $873,000 Frist received from pharmaceutical companies.

Some say that ABC was trying to use is massive media empire to suppress the story because of the massive amount of advertising money they receive from drug companies and they have only changed their mind and decided to play the interview because the public found out. However, maybe they, like Frist genuinely want to pump children full of mercury. Either way, it is hardly a surprising move. This isn’t the first time a Kennedy has been killed under mysterious circumstances.


MSN Blogs’ Chinese Secret

Thursday, June 16, 2005

(SNN Beijing) Microsoft, has admitted that it works with the Chinese government to omit forbidden words in Chinese blogs. Amongst the words are obscenities, sexual terms, and words and phrases like “freedom”, “human rights” and “democracy”.

Microsoft, has admitted that it works with the Chinese government

To answer the allegations Microsoft lead product manager Brooke Richardson was quoted as saying, "MSN abides by the laws, regulations and norms of each country in which it operates." Another Microsoft employee, global sales and marketing director, Adam Sohn, simply answered, "I don't have access to the list at this point so I can't really comment specifically on what's there."

the Chinese will never be exposed to the American style of democracy

The problem with putting restrictions like these into speech is that the Chinese will never be exposed to the American style of democracy where freedom is cherished. They might never have the hope that life can be better. They might never hear George Bush’s statements about spreading freedom or Laura Bush’s horse masturbation joke. They might never hear about Clinton’s fellated impeachment or the movement for a gay marriage amendment. They wouldn’t know about the Michael Jackson trial. On the other hand, maybe the filter is not so bad.

Still more troubling are the rumors that Steve Ballmer broke up a a protest of student dissidents during this years’ anniversary of Tienanmen square. Reports say that Ballmer charged in with a baseball bat screaming, “Developers Developers Developers Developers.”


Clogged Blog

Thursday, June 16, 2005


Show me your Library Card

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

(SSN Washington) Today, the House voted to block the FBI and the Justice Department from using the Patriot Act to search library and bookstore records. Many members of the House voted to block the provision believing it a potential invasion of the privacy of innocent citizens.

Attorney General Gonzales points out that the act has been used sparingly.

Lawmakers voted 238-187 to block the provision, despite a promise by President Bush to use his veto power. The vote went very different from the vote last year that died due to a 210-210 tie.

Many are confused about why it is so important to block the provision. While it does constitute an unusual invasion of privacy, Attorney General Gonzales points out that the act has been used sparingly. The government has never used the provision permitting secret warrants for “books, records, papers, documents and other items” to obtain library, bookstore, medical, or gun sale records, he said last April.

Your local librarian says that he thinks it is an invasion of privacy.

However, many have argued that the Patriot Act has not had to be invoked often due to fear of the Patriot Act. Basically, the argument goes like this. Say your local librarian gets a visit from an FBI agent, and that FBI agent wants a list of everyone who has checked out a specific book defined as terrorist friendly: for instance “Ecstasy and Me”, by Hedy Lamarr. Your local librarian says that he thinks it is an invasion of privacy. The FBI agent then tells him that he can invoke the Patriot Act, and the librarian will have to give up the information. Your librarian refuses. Finally, the FBI agent tells your librarian that he has a lot of nice books and that it’s a pity that books are so flammable, and wouldn’t it be a shame if anything happened to this nice library.

The issue of medical records has been another problem area for the provision. But Gonzales points out that if a nuclear or biological agent is discovered during a colonoscopy, he wants to have a finger in it.


Property Speculation Not Always Safe

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

(SNN San Diego)A defense contractor with ties to Randy “Duke” Cunningham took a $700,000 loss on the purchase and sale of the congressman’s Del Mar house. At the time, the congressman was supporting the contractor’s efforts to get tens of millions of dollars in contracts from the Pentagon.

The Del Mar house was left unsold and vacant for 261 days before selling for $975,000.

Mitchell Wade bought the San Diego Republican's house for $1,675,000 in November 2003 and put it back on the market almost immediately for roughly the same price. But the Del Mar house was left unsold and vacant for 261 days before selling for $975,000.

Congressional and political watchdog organizations expressed concerns, saying the circumstances raise questions about whether the transaction might constitute an illegal campaign contribution or even an official bribe, which is much more serious than an unofficial bribe. "This doesn't look good at all," said Larry Noble, director of the Center for Responsive Politics.

This is typical of the type of class misunderstanding we see in today’s politics.

In an interview Wednesday, Cunningham conceded that the circumstances surrounding the transaction could raise questions, but he insisted that the real estate deal was legitimate. "My whole life I've lived aboveboard," Cunningham said. "I've never even smoked a marijuana cigarette. I don't cheat. If a contractor buys me lunch and we meet a second time, I buy the lunch. My whole life has been aboveboard and so this doesn't worry me." It is not yet known if Rep. Cunningham has taken his turn and bought a piece of Wade’s property at a $700,000 loss. It has been scientifically proven that smoking marijuana makes one more susceptible to bribery, especially by snack cakes.

This is typical of the type of class misunderstanding we see in today’s politics. People think that just because someone sells their million dollar home for $1.7 million to a person who has no intention of living in it, there must be some type of shady business going on. Surely to some people, $700,000 seems like a lot of money, but the simple truth is that people like Wade, who negotiate contracts worth tens of millions of dollars don’t think $700,000 is much of a loss. This is similar to the case where Tom DeLay stole Jack Abramoff’s pen and sold it back to him for $3000, 732 times.


Phony Plastic Wristbands a Growing Problem

Monday, June 13, 2005

What Does Your Bracelet Mean?

Black - Melanoma

Blue - Prostate Cancer

Burgundy - Multiple Myeloma

Clear - Lung Cancer

Dark Blue - Colon Cancer

Gold - Childhood Cancers

Grey - Brain Cancer

Kelly Green - Kidney cancer

Lavender - General Cancer Awareness

Lime Green - Lymphoma

Orange - Leukemia

Peach - Uterine Cancer

Pink - Breast Cancer

Purple - Pancreatic Cancer

Teal - Ovarian Cancer

Mauve - Overcooked Pasta

Teal and White - Cervical Cancer

Blue - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Arthritis, Distonia, Interstitial Cystisis, Reye's Syndrome, Inappropriate Erections

Gray - Aphasia, Allergies, Asthma, Brain Tumor, Diabetes, Mental Illness, Multiple Sclerosis, Emphysema, Parkinson's Disease, Lung Disease

Green - Childhood Depression, Kidney Transplant, Depression, Lyme Disease

Light Blue - Scleroderma, Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease, Graves Disease

Light Blue or Purple - Irritable Bowel

Orange - Leukemia, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy

Pink - Hodgkin's Disease

Purple - Alzheimers, Colitis, Crohn's Disease, Cystic Fibrosis, Fibromyalgia, Macular Degeneration, Pulmonary Hypertension, Lupus, Rhett Syndrome, Sarcoidosis

Red - Aids, HIV, Heart Disease

White - Retinoblastoma, bracelet fatigue

Yellow - Liver Disease, Endometriosis, Spinal Bifida

Burgundy - Cesarean Section, Headache

Gray - Disabled Children

Orange - Self-Injury

Black - Gang Prevention, Mourning

Turquoise - Getting Republicans out of the closet

Black and White - Remembering the Dead

Blue - Education, Victims Rights, Water Quality

Burgundy - Hospice Care

Green - Environment, Genocide in Darfur, Mental Retardation, Organ Donation, Tissue Donation, Worker Safety

Light Blue - Eating Disorders, Legality of Abortion, Tsunami Tragedy

Light Blue or Teal - Sexual Assault, Substance Abuse

Orange - Cultural Diversity, Hunger

Olive Green - Support for U.S. Troops

Purple - Domestic Violence, Foster Care

Red - D.U.I., Military Families

White - Child Exploitation, Peace, Anti-Abortion Legality

Yellow - Missing Children, Suicide

Green Orange - Nonprofit Organizations, Supporting Gang Voilence

Gray - YOPA (Young Onset Parkinson's Association)

Red - D.A.R.E.

Sea Green - Spatulas

(SNN London) Last week, the Trading Standards Institute, a UK consumer protection group, addressed a disturbing and growing trend: counterfeit bracelets. It is estimated that 23 million of these bracelets have been sold in the UK alone.

The worldwide appeal for charity wristbands started with the launch of the yellow Livestrong bracelet in aid of the Lance Armstrong Foundation, set up by the six times Tour de France winner to highlight his crusade against cancer. They have become increasingly popular as celebrities have started to wear them to raise awareness of various causes.

Recent official reports as well as journalistic investigations have found counterfeiters selling the fake bracelets all over England. In addition to the selling of fake bracelets, some vendors are actually selling the charitable items for higher costs and pocketing the profit.

Bryan Lewin, the Trading Standards Institute's lead officer for counterfeiting urges people to buy wristbands from official outlets such as registered charity websites, well-known high street retailers and charity shops. He did not, however, explain why the elevation of the store came into play.

This disturbing news comes when critics have already started to fire upon the makers of magnetic “Support Our Troops” ribbons. Many people believe that when the Chinese manufactured the original red and yellow ribbons and wrote “Support Our Troops”, they actually meant that they wanted us to support their troops. Some go as far as to say that the Chinese do not support our troops at all.

But Hung Ho, the owner of a factory in China appeals to Americans to keep buying magnetic ribbons. “I made these ribbons because it is important support freedom everywhere.” Mr. Ho told us that if Americans stopped buying the ribbons, he would likely have to let many of his workers go. He may also have to trade his Mercedes for a Buick, but only as a last resort because “American cars are crap.”

So if you are traveling to England, it would probably be best to stay away from the charity bracelets, just like you do with the beef or kippers.


Cheney: No Plans to Shut Down Prison

Sunday, June 12, 2005

(SNN Beijing) According to an article in tomorrow’s China View, Vice President Dick Cheney has said that there are no present plans to close the prison in Guantanamo Bay.

The prison currently is holding around 540 detainees

The prison currently is holding around 540 detainees, many of whom have been there for more than three years with no hope of trial.Human rights advocates and lawmakers have been pushing for the prison to be shut down due to allegations of torture and ab

Holy Crap, they have naked pictures of people on bicycles.


Tyson’s Career Likely Over

Sunday, June 12, 2005

(SNN Washington) After a knock down drag out fight yesterday night, it is now likely that Tyson will hang up his career. Tyson quit after taking a beating in a foul-filled round against unheralded Kevin McBride.

Tyson quit after taking a beating in a foul-filled round

More than 60 years have passed since John Tyson drove his battered truck to Chicago to deliver a load of 500 Arkansas chickens. Tyson heard that chickens were bringing a better price in northern markets, so he cashed in his savings and borrowed the rest of the money he needed to finance the trip.

From these humble beginnings, Tyson has built an empire. Tyson purchased hog-production facilities in North Carolina. By the end of 1979, Tyson was shipping 7,500 hogs a week, distinguishing it as the nation’s largest hog producer. In 2001, Tyson became the world's largest processor and marketer of not only chicken, but also red meat with the acquisition of beef and pork powerhouse, IBP, Inc.

When asked why he was no longer going to be in the chicken business, Tyson said, “I don't have the stomach for this anymore.”


Africa: Slackers

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Finance ministers from the world’s richest countries have gathered in London to approve a debt relief deal to help Africa’s poor.

UK Chancellor Gordon Brown on Friday expressed optimism that a debt deal would be done

The finance ministers are spending Saturday morning discussing the outline plan from the UK and US to write off the debts of 18 highly-indebted countries in Africa, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said. He added that the plan would "cancel 100% of the World Bank, African Development Bank and IMF debt" - suggesting the US may have dropped objections to including IMF debts.

UK Chancellor Gordon Brown on Friday expressed optimism that a debt deal would be done, saying that there was the "political will of the richest countries to move forward". He also promised that it would be "the biggest debt settlement the world has ever seen".

But who really cares about Africa? The only people who really care are just some celebrates and lefty protestors, socialist countries like England and France and perhaps maybe Africans. I know to socialist countries like England and France, working for a living is unheard of, but f they don’t want to be poor that’s what they should do. It is by hard work and rugged determination that Africa will solve its own problems.

What Africa needs is not more aid, but more free trade opportunities.

What Africa needs is not more aid, but more free trade opportunities. Take China for instance, they have gone from poor country hung up on idealism to a much richer country by converting themselves into a factory to make cheap plastic merchandise for Wal-Mart. The governments of these nations could even set up corporately sponsored work houses for the poor, where they could go and work in exchange for room and board. Now that’s how a country maintains its dignity.

No good has every come out of giving people money. They just want more money. Just look at Europe. We rebuilt a good chunk of Europe after World War 2 and now they just want more money for Africa. If we give all that money to Africa, we will just lose their respect.

Adrian Chevelle, Opinions


Dalek Taken Hostage by Concerned Citizens

Friday, June 10, 2005

(SNN London) The BBC reported yesterday that a group of private citizens have reportly captured a dalek in the Wookey Hole Caves, near Wells. According to the report, the dalek was taken on Monday. On Thursday, the group known only as “Guardians of the Planet Earth” left a note for authorities along with the dalek’s plunger device to validate their claims.

However, despite the vigilante group capturing a fully functional alien battle tank and holding its genocidal controller, police seem relatively unconcerned. A police spokeswoman said: "The owners reported this morning they had found what they are calling a ransom note, along with part of the dalek. If it is a stunt there is an issue of wasting police time." The police think that the dalek was probably taken by students or Ice Warriors.

But the police should be concerned. If the dalek were able to get away from the Guardians of the Planet Earth, several thousand if not hundreds of thousands of people would be killed before it could be recaptured. There is also a fear that the daleks battle casing may be sold on the black market. The dalekanium casing alone is believed to be worth thousands of pounds, and Wookey Hole's owners have offered a £500 reward for its return.

The group says that they will not act unless they hear from the Doctor. Fortunately, Wookey Hole staff has been able to contact and speak to the Doctor’s fifth regeneration (sixth incarnation), who may send a message to the group in necessary.

The dalek may have come to Earth as part of a scouting mission as part of their planning for the invasion of Earth, set for 2012.


U.S. Asked to Withdraw from Iraq.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

(SSN Boston) Former CIA Director and MIT Professor, John M. Deutch delivered a speech to Phi Beta Kappa on Tuesday. In his 20 minute speech, he called for the United States to pull out of Iraq.

Deutch said the U.S. military is suited to fighting wars but not providing police services

Deutch claimed that we were not meeting any objective in Iraq and challenged the views of both Republicans and Democrats who say that the United States must stay the course to stabilize the country before disengaging. "There may be days when security seems somewhat improved and when the Iraqi government appears to be functioning better, but the underlying destabilizing forces of a robust insurgency and warring factions supported by outside governments is undiminished."

In his speech, Deutch said the U.S. military is suited to fighting wars but not providing police services and said "Our nation embarks on an especially perilous course when it proactively engages in some regions of the world with the intention of achieving a government based on our values.” He also said he supported the five part plan outlined by Senator Ted Kennedy, proving that Deutch is an alcoholic who would murder a pregnant woman.

Deutch served as CIA director under President Bill Clinton from May 1995 until December 1996.

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch

President Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair, tried to fight the public and the world’s belief that they had made a private decision to invade. “Nothing was farther from the truth than to suggest that we had made up our mind to use military force to deal with Saddam,” said Bush, who argued that the U.S. had merely carried out a bombing campaign against military targets inside the country and amassed a large invasion force on Iraq’s border out of coincidence.


Gay Governor Slams Gay Veterans

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

(SNN Austin) Texas Gov. Rick Perry suggested that gay veterans unhappy with the proposed anti-gay constitutional amendment should move elsewhere. This came as quite a surprise to the many Texans who think Perry is gay.

The comment was met with some animosity from the 66,000 retired gay servicemen and women living in Texas.

When asked what he would tell gay war veterans, Perry replied, “"I'm going to say Texas has made a decision on marriage and if there's a state with more lenient views than Texas, then maybe that's where they should live." The comment was met with some animosity from the 66,000 retired gay servicemen and women living in Texas.

On Feb. 26th, in an Austin Chronicle piece entitled “It’s OK to Be Gay” numerous rumors were brought up about Perry’s sexuality. The rumors even go as far as to suggest that he was having a sexual relationship with his Secretary of State, Geoff Conner. If he was having an affair with Conner, it would be the most shocking development since closeted GOP governor of New Jersey, James McGreevey was forced to resign for sexually harassing his Homeland Security Advisor.

Just because some reporters found "no evidence" to support the rumors doesn't mean the rumors do not have some basis.

The story mentions the numerous rumors that "the governor's marriage is in trouble, that his wife Anita has/will/may decide to divorce him, and that the issue is Rick's alleged infidelity, with one or another member of his administration of undetermined gender.

While these unsubstantiated rumors do not seem like much, in Texas they constitute enough information to brand someone as gay, literally. To date, Perry has not been able to prove that he is not gay, and just expects to be taken at his word. And, just because some reporters found "no evidence" to support the rumors doesn't mean the rumors do not have some basis.

The most important thing to remember is that if you have a Republican Governor, there is a high probability that he is gay. And there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as he does not abuse his position to do favors for sexual partners while signing venomous anti-gay legislation, which he will invariably do.


Government Agency Demands Blogs be Registered

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

(SNN) The international media organization Reporters Without Borders voiced alarm yesterday at the government's announced intention to close down all websites and blogs that are not officially registered.

Reporters Without Borders voiced alarm yesterday at the government's announced intention

The decree was issued on March 20 with the intention of controlling information that might "endanger the country." The announcement also said, "The Internet has profited many people but it also has brought many problems, such as sex, violence and outmoded superstitions and other harmful information that has seriously poisoned people's spirits," in explaining the requirement.

"The authorities use this type of announcement above all to intimidate website operators and bloggers," said a spokesperson for the press freedom organization said. "The authorities also hope to push the most outspoken online sites to migrate abroad.” The spokesman added, "Those who continue to publish under their real names will either have to avoid political subjects or just relay party propaganda. This decision will enable those in power to control online news and information much more effectively."

Many bloggers are beginning to receive email messages telling them to register

At the request of the authorities, the Internet Service Providers that host the biggest news portals informed their users that this procedure is obligatory. Also, many bloggers are beginning to receive email messages telling them to register to avoid their blogs being declared illegal. Bloggers that fail to register their sites will be fined up to $120,000.

"The authorities use this type of announcement above all to intimidate website operators and bloggers," writes RWB. "The authorities also hope to push the most outspoken online sites to migrate abroad where they will become inaccessible to those inside China because of the Chinese filtering systems." Officials from the Ministry of Information Industry refused to speak to NewsBlog 5000 staff.


Michigan Man Still Cares About Jackson

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

(SNN Detroit) On Friday, Jurors began to determine whether Michael Jackson is guilty of molesting a 13 year old cancer survivor. The singer is also accused of plying the boy with alcohol and conspiracy to commit child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. It is not known how long the jury of eight women and four men will deliberate, but one thing is certain, no one cares anymore.

Beaner took a chance on a $1 tape in the discount bin.

That is, we though no one cared until we met Beaner Hawthorne of Manton, Michigan. Beaner, a part time convenience store employee, fell in love with the music of Jackson when he took a chance on a $1 tape in the discount bin.

Since then, Beaner has been an avid fan. “At first it was songs like ‘Beat It’ and ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Something’ that had me enthralled with Michael, but it was songs like ‘P.Y.T’ and ‘Billie Jean’ that kept me coming back for more,” Beaner intimated to us.

Beaner wanted to fly to California to be near Michael in his time of need, but he had just spent most of his life saving on a new Sony sound system for his trailer park home so that he could hear the Thriller album in SACD. “If I would have known then, I would have saved my money,” Beaner said sadly.

Beaner believes that Jackson is mistreated in the Press.

Beaner believes that Jackson is mistreated in the Press. “When they call him Jacko, it makes him sound like some kind of serial masturbator or sexual deviant,” says Banner. When asked if that meant he was a chronic masturbator or a sexual deviant, Beaner simply said, “No comment.”

Beaner does not believe that Jackson is guilty. “Of course MJ is innocent. Why would the King of Pop, who could have any woman or man he wants, want to sleep with little boys? It makes no logical sense,” he told us. When asked if that meant he would sleep with MJ, Beaner simply said, “No comment.”


Apple to Switch

Monday, June 06, 2005

Preparing for Apple Switch

Stay away from cars with “In case of Rapture” stickers

Stock up on canned goods and bottled water

Buy guns and ammunition

Buy Kerosene Heaters & Lamps

Have a transistor radio with spare batteries

Learn how to shoot, your life may depend on it

Apple Computer is expected to announce today a switch to Intel Corp chips in it’s Macintosh computer line. This change is likely to occur next year.

The announcement is likely to be made during CEO Steve Jobs’s keynote speech at the company’s annual software conference in San Francisco. This marks the first architecture switch for the company in fourteen years. Intel's chip will reportedly debut in Apple's cheaper, low-end PCs beginning in 2006, and will later be introduced in the high-end models in 2007.

The move is likely to cost Apple millions in software rewrites, but the real loser is going to be IBM, which has been providing their current processors. Intel currently holds an 80 percent share of the PC processor market.

Officials from Apple, Intel and IBM would not speak to NewsBlog 5000 reporters. However, someone at the local Apple Store asked us to leave if we weren’t buying anything.


Letters to the Editor

Monday, June 06, 2005

Lately, I’ve received a couple pieces of correspondence. I’ll attempt to address them here.

First off, I had a I had an email from a Mr. Meyer of Brooklyn. Meyer writes me:
“Newsweek lies, who dies?”

At the time this message had been sent, we had not yet addressed the Newsweek issues. Therefore I am confused as to which article Mr. Meyer is commenting. We did however do a story on the 19th of May: Koran Claims Believable

Next is a question from Mr. Whymrhymer of Dallas, who has some questions on my reading habits.

Number of books you own: over 600

Last book bought: We Few by John Ringo

Last book I read: We Few – I put it at the front of the queue.

Five books that mean a lot to me:

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Douglas Adams

Terry Pratchett

The Illuminatus Trilogy
Robert Shea & Robert A Wilson

Another Roadside Attraction
Tom Robbins

BOSS Richard J Daley of Chicago
Mike Roydk

An optional comment:
I am a great lover of pulp fiction.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, editor


Science Once Again Shows it Hates God

Sunday, June 05, 2005

(SNN New York) Science has once again proven God wrong. It has long been argued by the religious right that sexual orientation is decided by choice. However, now Science has some compelling evidence otherwise. Researchers discovered a single "switch gene" that swaps the sexual orientation of males and females.

None of us chooses our sexuality. It just happens.

Dr Michael Weiss, chairman of biochemistry at Ohio University, was as surprised at the findings. "It seems that none of us chooses our sexuality. It just happens. The results are so clean and compelling, the whole field of the genetic roots of behavior is moved forward tremendously by this work," he said.

Lesbian flies rebuffed males that tried to mate with them.

In the research, published yesterday, genetically altered male fruit flies spurned females and became attracted to other males. Genetically altered females engaged in complex male mating rituals, vibrating their wings, licking other female flies' genitalia and curling their backs ready for copulation. Lesbian flies rebuffed males that tried to mate with them.

But female genital licking aside, this is just another setback for the religious establishment which has struck out repeatedly on scientific questions from the earth being flat to the Mississippi River being dug by Paul Bunyan’s axe. It is not yet known if far right groups will now start attacking the validity of genetics.


Sexual Behavior

Sunday, June 05, 2005


Gordon Liddy Doesn’t Like Deep Throat

Saturday, June 04, 2005

(SNN Washington DC) Not a lot of our regular readers may know this, but before the age of computers and the blog, there was a different way to get news, called a newspaper. The people who wrote for these newspapers were trained professionals who not only fact checked their articles, but even did investigation.

The Washington Post was staffed by these professional journalists, such as Mr. Bernstein.

One of the most famous of these writers is Mr. Woodward Bernstein, who at the time worked for a newspaper called the Washington Post. The Washington Post, unrelated to the website, was staffed by these professional journalists, such as Mr. Bernstein.

Not this may come as a shock to you, but back in that day, a Republican President resigned over his impeachment (that’s how you accuse a president of a crime, like what happened to Clinton when he got his knob off). And that scandal was brought to light by the great professional journalist Woodward Bernstein. Bernstein claimed that he got his information from an anonymous source named Deep Throat. But until this week, no one knew who was actually doing all the Deep Throating.

the source known as Deep Throat was a 91 year old named Mark Felt.

It is now known that the source known as Deep Throat was a 91 year old named Mark Felt, and not Hal Holbrook as was theorized in the movie. The information came out in Vanity Fair magazine and was later confirmed by Woodward Bernstein. It would be interesting to see what Felt would say about his activities, but as he was 91 at the time of the scandal, he is probably dead.

But not everyone is happy with Deep Throat. Several people, who used to work for Nixon, said Mr. Felt was wrong in choosing to go to the press. Nixon aid G. Gordon Liddy says that Felt "violated the ethics of the law enforcement profession" by taking his information outside legal channels. "If he possessed evidence of wrongdoing, he was honour-bound to take that to a grand jury and secure an indictment,” said Liddy.

Several people said Mr. Felt was wrong in choosing to go to the press.

But Liddy has a horrible credibility gap. First of all, he’s not a G at all: he’s actually a pasty old white guy with a moustache that makes John Bolton’s look normal. Secondly, he’s bald. And thirdly, he ended up going to prison for stuff that Felt told Bernstein, so now because he is a felon, he can not get a proper job and must host a conservative radio show. Fourthly, it should also be noted that Liddy also had access to the same information as Felt, but also did not take the evidence to a grand jury. Fifthly, he is a bit of a dick.

Rather than blame Felt for the fall of Nixon, maybe Nixon’s cronies should think about what they were doing to cause an impeachment in the first place. And perhaps they should consider their actions now, because it just seems improper that these convicted criminals can go before public forums and speak ill of the dead.


Bret Schundler is Actually Howard Dean

Friday, June 03, 2005

(SNN Hoboken) Up until today, Bret Schundler was just another candidate running for the Republican nomination for the Governor of New Jersey. But now there is incontrovertible evidence that Bret Schundler is actually Howard Dean in disguise.

Obviously, this is no doubt going to come as a shock to many Republicans, including George W. Bush, who gave Dean his endorsement for Governor. “I urge you to cast your vote for Bret Schundler for governor of New Jersey,” Bush wrote in his endorsement. Had Bush knows Schundler was Dean, it is unlikely that he would have supported him. Dean has called Bush a radical, a deserter, the enemy, a prawn, and has compared the president to former Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic.

At this point the real question is one of motivation. It is unclear whether the DNC chairman really wanted to become the Republican Governor of New Jersey or if he merely wanted to gain the nomination only to rip off his Schundler mask at the last minute and scream.

And what are Dean’s plans for the future? Will Dean not only run for Republican Governor of New Jersey, but also South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and will he run for Republican Governor of California and Texas and New York, and South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan?

So be careful. The next person you vote for may be Howard Dean in disguise.


Call Me Irresponsible

Thursday, June 02, 2005

(SNN Pyongyang) Today, Kim Jung Il and Vice President Dick Cheney traded insults. This has caused trepidation amongst those that become nervous when the leaders of nuclear powers trade insults like ill-mannered schoolboys

Many say that the name calling was started by North Korea.

Many say that the name calling was started by North Korea. "Cheney is hated as the most cruel monster and bloodthirsty beast, as he has drenched various parts of the world in blood," a North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesman was quoted as saying. But some say that it started last week when President Bush called Kim a tyrant and Kim called Bush a half-baked man and a philistine.

Kim called Bush a half-baked man and a philistine.

Cheney said in a TV interview with CNN aired on Monday that Kim was "one of the world's more irresponsible leaders.” But Cheney didn’t stop there. “He runs a police state. He's got one of the most heavily militarized societies in the world. He doesn't take care of his people at all. And he obviously wants to throw his weight around and become a nuclear power,” Cheney went on to say, with more than just a hint of jealousy in his voice.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the comments were "more of the same kind of bluster we hear from North Korea from time to time" and serve only to "further isolate themselves from the international community." Although McClellan seemed sure of his point, it remains unclear at this time, who in the international community would shun North Korea for making fun of Dick Cheney.


Christian Group Boycotts Ford

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

(SNN Thiruvananthapuram) The American Family Association (AFA) criticized Ford for donating money to gay-rights organizations. Ford Motor Co. has offered to give up to $1000 to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Discrimination for every Jaguar and Land Rover it sells. The group also complained about Ford’s sponsoring of gay pride celebrations and “redefining the definition of the family to include homosexual marriage.”

Just one week ago, the AFA claimed victory in its boycott of Walt Disney Co. "Disney has become one of the less egregious perpetrators of the homosexual agenda, so we have decided to focus our resources on more pivotal issues,” said AFA President Tim Wildmon. When asked about the effects of the long term boycott by the AFA, a Disney spokesperson said, “Who?”

But is one more boycott from the AFA really meaningful. As of Tuesday, it was calling for action against the Carl’s Jr. hamburger chain (to protest its racy new ad featuring Paris Hilton), Kraft Foods (sponsorship of the 2006 Gay Games), Mary Kay Cosmetics and Old Navy stores (for advertising on “Desperate Housewives”) and NutriSystem Inc., the weight-loss company (for airing salacious TV ad). If the AFA keeps boycotting companies such as these, its members will eventually die of hunger and malnutrition, and no one will care because they are ugly and wear bad clothes.

“Diversity is very important to Ford, and it goes beyond homosexuality.”

Marcey Evans, a spokeswoman for Ford, said in an interview Wednesday that the AFA was misusing “diversity” by treating it as a code word for “homosexuality.” But “to Ford, diversity is a much broader definition than simply homosexuality,” she said. “Diversity is very important to Ford, and it goes beyond homosexuality.”

This is the last in a long line of controversial promotions by Ford. Who could forget the chaos that ensued from the “March Masti” by Ford India? Or the lucky couple that went home to find Ron Jeremy hiding in their trunk? There was also the free “100 Years of Backseat Higinks” video of 2003. And, who could forget last summer’s “Get a happy ending when you buy a Probe”?