NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

State Department Still Making Un-American Statements

Saturday, December 31, 2005

(SNN Washington) This week, the State Department issued another travel warning for Iraq. The report suggests that American citizens stay away from aircraft and road travel.

The Bush administration has made it very clear that things are getting better and better in Iraq

The Bush administration has made it very clear that things are getting better and better in Iraq, yet the department state continues to strongly warned US citizens against travel to Iraq, saying that it remains very dangerous.

While the White House has told us that democracy is on the rise and that fighting is in its last throes and confined to a few small provinces, the State Department claims that remnants of the former Baath regime, along with international terrorists, criminal groups, and numerous insurgent groups remain very active attacking both military and civilian targets throughout the country.

And the State Department keeps saying slanders things such as, "All vehicular travel in Iraq is extremely dangerous. There have been numerous attacks on civilian vehicles, as well as military convoys. Attacks occur throughout the day, but travel at night is exceptionally dangerous."

When will the State Department realize that if they really want to make Americans safe they should get on board with the current administration and present a united front? There continues to warnings about the safety of Americans only ends up hurting the very people they intend to protect.


2005, Year of the Wank

Friday, December 30, 2005

(SNN Dickeyville) An online publication, Sex Reporter, has classified 2005 as the Year of the Wank. They have listed several articles on masturbation episodes that occurred during the year.

Amongst the several articles listed is the story of Donald Thompson, the former judge who used a penis pump while on the bench, masturbation gangs in India, and last but not least, that plucky little Michael Jackson and the things he does to children.

We at NewsBlog 5000, have noticed that masturbation has been up 20% in the office this year. We expect that trend to decrease now that Alice Humbees has been incarcerated.


Editor's Note

Friday, December 30, 2005

It has come to my attention that someone at NewsBlog 5000 defaced my file photo. The offending picture has been removed.

Ryan Maynard, Editor


Little Red Hoax Hits NewsBlog 5000

Thursday, December 29, 2005

(SNN New Bedford) A little over a week ago, the Sincmil News Network reported a Dartmouth student had been questioned by Homeland Security in connection with an interlibrary loan request. This report has now turned out to be a hoax.

The student reportedly broke down and admitted his account of being questioned was a hoax after being questioned by the professor, Brian Williams, who had first report of the story.

The story was originally reported in the New Bedford Standard-Times, and was quickly picked up by other news publications. Amongst the news publications fooled by the hoax was the Sincmil News Network, and its affiliated web site NewsBlog 5000. The story even prompted an op-ed piece by Senator Edward Kennedy.

A spokesperson for Kennedy said the senator cited "public reports" in his opinion piece. Even if the answer nation was a hoax, she said, it did not detract from Kennedy's broader point that using someone's library card is evidence really, really sucks.

A spokesman for the Sincmil News Network, Dr. Ryan Maynard, reportedly said, "We did a story on what?"

In addition, Williams said that the student's admission was in no way related to the brutal attack which nearly left the student crippled, or the disappearance of his little sister. The student could not be reached for comment.


Bolton Seeks More UN Reforms

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

(SNN New York) US ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, today advanced another round of controversial reforms. Many have criticized Bolton for wanting to give the United States full control over the world's ability to fight aliens.

Perhaps the most controversial of these reforms is Bolton's insistence that the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce be moved from Geneva to Virginia. Proponents of this change say that Bolton merely wants to put UNIT under the jurisdiction of the United States. In addition, many point out that 9 out of every 10 and attacks occur in Europe.

In addition to the movement of UNIT headquarters to Virginia, Bolton also wants to move command of the agency to the UN Security Council. Traditionally, an agency like UNIT would fall under the jurisdiction of the UNSC, but when the agency was chartered in the 70s, it was decided that the ability to act quickly to an incursion was more important than a resolution from the Security Council.

Another point with which many take offense is the editing of the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce charter, removing verbiage designed to make sure that women and minorities cannot be classified aliens. However, a spokesman for Mr. Bolton said that the change of language were merely to make the document easier to understand.

Many complain that UNIT has long been in the sights of the Bush administration, who believe that the organization should be used to gather alien technology to fight the global war on terror. They go as far as to say it would be shortsighted to underestimate the power of alien armadas with weapons that could crack our planet open like an egg. However, in a speech yesterday, President Bush reiterated his commitment to supporting international initiatives to destroy "alien killers who would destroy our way of life."

Administration officials argue that the last two alien invasions, handled regionally by the United Kingdom and UNIT, may have repelled the alien invaders, but in both cases resulted in the electrocution of senior UNIT personnel. UNIT officials in Geneva have publicly stated that these incidents were difficult to foresee, and suggested that a change in leadership was not the proper way to prevent further electrocutions.


Instigator of the Year - Nominees

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Karen Hughes

"I never dreamed I would one day work at it White House."

"If we are going to commit American troops, we must be certain they have a clear mission, an achievable goal and an exit strategy."

Mike Brown

"It is very important that time is allowed for Mr. Brown to eat dinner. Gievn (sic) that Baton Rouge is back to normal, restaurants are getting busy. He needs much more that (sic) 20 or 30 minutes. We now have traffic to encounter to get to and from a location of his choise (sic), followed by wait service from the restaurant staff, eating, etc."

"Fema doesn't evacuate communities. Fema does not do law enforcement. Fema does not do communications..."

Robert Novak

“Nobody in the Bush administration called me to leak this. There is no great crime here."

"And in the sixth paragraph of a 10-paragraph story I mentioned that two senior administration officials had said it was suggested by his wife, who worked at the CIA."

"I was asked by the CIA official not to use [her name]. He did not, at any point, say her life was in danger. He did not press it."


Skippy Kills a Man

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

As many of you know, I was recently hospitalized for inhalation of spray paint fumes. But what you do not know, is the strange series of events that I became involved in after that hospitalization.

It all started somewhere in the Swiss Alps. For some reason our insurance had sent me to a health spa there. I was going about my business, getting plenty of exercise, eating health food and enjoying the occasional meal of champagne and caviar offered to me by one of the nurses, when I saw someone I had not expected to see, Anderson Cooper of CNN news.

Being a fan of Mr. Cooper's work I immediately went up and introduced myself, however Mr. Cooper did not seem interested in speaking with me. I found it curious that a fellow news man would be so standoffish, so I decided to investigate. Through surveillance, I discovered that this man was not in fact Anderson Cooper, but a man given plastic surgery to look like Anderson Cooper. The man was an Air Force officer who had been lured into a web of deceit after becoming addicted to heroine and sex.

Suspicion was further aroused when a large man tried to kill me. I managed to kill him instead, but not before the nurse and fake Anderson Cooper had escaped. However, I'd realized with their plan was. They intended to destroy the infrastructure of CNN by using an inside man.

Fortunately, I was able to track the nurse to a ship in the Bahamas. The ship, registered to Rupert Murdoch, was called the Disco Saucer. However, by the time I got there, the ship had already left for the South of France. I did, however, have an interesting time in the Bahamas. I went waterskiing, saw the street carnival and someone blew up my hotel room. It was very exciting.

I met up with the Disco Saucer and attended a fancy party thrown by Murdoch. He and I played a computer game, but I think there was a short in the controls because it kept giving me electric shocks. I also met Murdoch's burned-out mistress, and she showed me her enormous diamond.

Murdoch attempted to imprison me, but I managed to escape. I realize that the diamond I had been shown was in the shape of Atlanta, and finally the full plan became clear to me. Murdoch's henchmen were going to take the fake Anderson Cooper through flooded tunnels underneath Atlanta and detonate him beneath the CNN Building.

Fortunately, I and my friend Frank, along with a detachment of and Croatian Marines, managed to intercept Murdoch's men and, during a pitched underwater battle, we were able to safely capture the fake Anderson Cooper, and return him to the US military.

Ironically, I was injured during the battle, and woke up in the same hotel room that I had been put in for paint fume inhalation.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy does it all


Safe from Travel in New York City

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

(SNN New York City) Today saw the first transit strike in New York City in 25 years. Millions of commuters in city residents were affected as they try to get to their jobs.

Vehicles holding fewer than four passengers were turned back.

The city went into emergency mode. Vehicles holding fewer than four passengers were turned back. Some people walked miles to work. A flat $10 fee was given for cab rides. "The city is functioning, and functioning well considering the severe circumstances," said Mayor Bloomberg.

But the mayor had harsh words for the Transportation Workers Union. The mayor said the TWU "shamefully decided they don't care about the people they work for, and they have no respect for the law. In addition, Governor Pataki had strong words for the union. "The TWU has broken the law," Pataki told a Manhattan news conference. "That is wrong, and they will suffer the consequences. They should end this illegal strike and come back to the table."

This would be the perfect time to do away with city wide mass transit

In the spirit of cooperation, the city slapped a $1 million a day injunction on the TWU for violating a state law that prohibits public employees from going on strike. The city was shocked to find that this new concession did not bring the union back to the table.

However, most people seem to be overlooking that this would be the perfect time to do away with city wide mass transit in New York City. The whole concept of city wide mass transit is, if not communist, at the very least leaning very much towards socialism.

It is time for liberal New Yorkers to learn about personal responsibility. If they want to get to work on time, the people of New York should buy a Hummer and an Uzi, and stop waiting for the government to solve their problems. And then those transportation workers would have to get real jobs, working retail or telemarketing, then they would learn what real pay and benefits are like.


What is in a Name?

Monday, December 19, 2005

Despite her incarceration, Alice Humbees has sent us this opinion piece.

As part of our jobs, Dr. Maynard forces us to keep abreast of current events. I was reading this story today about how 24 top officials in the Hussein regime were being released. The article said that to of the released prisoners were named"Dr. Germ" and "Mrs. Anthrax."

I'm seriously curious to find out where these nicknames come from. Are they self applied? I should point out that for brief point during the 80s I did want to be known as Mrs. Anthrax, although I doubt that in this case that the motivation for the nickname was a fierce attraction to Joey Belladonna.

And what about that Chemical Ali guy? Do you just wake up one morning and over your orange juice pancakes and sausage start telling your friends, "From now on I would like to be known as Chemical Ali"? It's almost like someone makes up these names to make it easier to vilify these people to the western world.

What about those less recognized henchmen? Stuck with less fear inducing nicknames, henchmen like Handsome Walid Hamid Tawfiq al-Tikriti, Izzat "Tube Socks" al-Duri, Mack the Knife, Boilermaker al-Azzawi, Taha Yasin Ramadan "The Human Windmill" al-Jizrawi and Hani abd al-Latif Tilfah "The Pittsburgh Kid" al-Tikriti must've had to work hard to inspire fear in their fellow countrymen.

Alice Humbees, opinions


Editor's Note: Instigators

Sunday, December 18, 2005

We are now taking nominations for NewsBlog 5000's Instigator of the Year Award.

Nominate the person who you though caused the most useless news stories in 2005. Your nomination will be given points based on how much news they have caused. Bonus points will be given to for statements divorced from reality and other signs of derangement, but only for the nominee, not the nominator.

The mention of points above is, of course, purely metaphorical.


President Valiantly Ignores Constitution to Defend

Sunday, December 18, 2005

(SNN Washington) In his weekly radio address, the president explained that the illegal wiretapping that he'd been doing was all a part of a plan to defend the Constitution.

The president believes he is above the law

The president clearly explained in his radio address, that it was not illegal for him to place wiretaps without any kind of law or judicial oversight to back up his position, because it was a highly classified program, too classified for Congress or judges to know about. In addition the president suggested that because it was such a sensitive operation, it was actually the New York Times that was breaking the law.

Some went as far as to suggest that the president believes he is above the law, but what they don't understand is that there is actually a quite large precedent for the president being above the law. This goes back to time when Nixon ignored dueling ordinances in Washington, DC and had a sword fight on the White House lawn with Henry Kissinger.

What most people don't know is that Nixon cheated.

Most people know about the battle on the White House lawn, which the two used to decide an argument about whether or not Nixon should go to China. However what most people don't know is that Nixon cheated. The entire time Nixon and Kissinger were fighting on the White House lawn, there was a Secret Service agent waiting to smite Kissinger if he took the upper hand in the battle.

Kissinger did indeed take a bullet during the battle and dropped his sword. Nixon, now having the upper hand, began to swing wildly. But in an especially wide backstroke, he cleanly beheaded Checkers the dog. As Nixon watched the head of his dog fly through the air, he realized that he had done his friend a disservice. He put Kissinger's body in a vat of bio-restorative gel, sent a White House aide to the pet store to buy another Checkers and reluctantly agreed to go to China.


China May Be Terror Threat

Sunday, December 18, 2005

(SNN New Bedford) A student at Dartmouth was visited recently by federal agents. The student's infraction was more training book through interlibrary loan.

He was taking a class on totalitarianism and fascism.

The book is entitled "The Little Red Book", and is a collection of sayings by Chinese leader Mao Zedong. The student requested the book because he was taking a class on totalitarianism and fascism. But little did he know, he was about to get a lesson in totalitarianism and fascism himself.

The student was visited by two federal agents, they told him that the book was on a watch list. Homeland security had been monitoring books requested by interlibrary loan. Apparently, they believe that disheartened terrorists may actively pursued communism as a viable alternative.

Mao Zedong is completely harmless.

The professor, Dr. Williams, who runs the class for which the student requested the book says that he encourages students to go directly to the source rather than regurgitating the opinions of someone else who's written on the subject. However, he says he will never make that mistake again. However, he still seem dismissive at the threat that communist countries pose to our democratic society. He even went as far as say, "Mao Zedong is completely harmless."

We can only hope that this watchlist does not extend to other products come from China. Otherwise, we might as well expect to be questioned every time we shop at Wal-Mart.


Senate Rejects Patriot Act Extension

Saturday, December 17, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, the Senate blocked passage of a new Patriot Act to combat terrorism at home. This proves that the Senate would rather you have a 0.000001% of exploding then completely destroy your civil liberties.

The decision was eventually made by filibuster.

The decision was eventually made by filibuster. The Senate voted 52 to 47 to advance the vote, falling eight votes short of the 60 needed to end filibuster.

In defending his stance, John Sununu, a New Hampshire Republican, quoted Benjamin Franklin: "Those that would give up essential liberty in pursuit of a little temporary security deserve neither liberty nor security." However, many members of the Senate claimed that Americans really did not deserve liberty or security.

The White House has been using the National Security Agency to spy on Americans

Some senators were perhaps swayed by recent news that the White House has been using the National Security Agency to spy on Americans with no judicial overview, and their attempt to keep these wiretaps secret. This has shocked and dismayed several high-level Republicans such as Senator Arlen Specter, who reportedly said "seriously WTF".

The practical implications of the expiration of the original law are that law enforcement agencies can continue to spy on groups such as al-Qaida, Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad and the Zarqawi group in Iraq. However, they will have to stop spying on their neighbors, hot sorority girls, people who talk dirty on the phone and people who have sex in their hot tub. It still remains unclear if one forced to continue to spy on hot sorority girls suspected of being a part of al-Qaida, Hamas, Hezbollah, Islamic Jihad or the Zarqawi group in Iraq.


Editor's Note

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Today marked our first holiday celebration at NewsBlog 5000.

We were all very happy to receive a card from Alice Humbees, who is spending 30 days in jail for starting an altercation outside of a Wal-Mart. In addition, we received greetings from James Skippenofsky, who has finished his stay at the health spa, and is now for some unexplained reason in the Bahamas.

We consumed a potluck meal mainly consisting of store-bought desserts and Kentucky fried chicken. James Skippenofsky's friend Frank brought a large batch of borscht. Frank also brought drinks. I've never before tasted a carbonated beverage flavored with soy sauce. Later we sat around and Roy told us stories about the Dole campaign.

On a personal note, I'm getting along quite well with my new wife Milika. She has taken to calling me her little SCUD, which I can only assume is a term of affectation. It has been a little hard for her to adjust to American ways, and I think she still misses her life at the KGB. Just last week, I had to remind her that it was not polite to assassinate high-ranking members of the State Department.


Congressional Probe Threatens Vampire Travel

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, the U.S. Congress opened an investigation into a string of disappearances aboard luxury crew ships. This probe greatly threatens the future of the vampire travel industry.

People have been disappearing from luxury liners for years, allowing vampires to travel in the luxury that they expect and desire. However, Republican Chris Shays of Connecticut has now put together a congressional committee to study these disappearances. The sudden interest by Republican Chris Shays of Connecticut was spurred by the disappearance of George Allen Smith IV.

Smith's case is a puzzling one. On the 11th day of his honeymoon, Smith was seen drinking heavily and gambling until early in the morning. People in neighboring cabins heard thuds, male voices, and furniture being moved around. The next morning, Mr. Smith's cabin was found drenched in blood. Also, a large blood stain was found on an awning above lifeboats to levels below his cabin. Royal Caribbean officials say that Smith probably just went for a walk on the balcony and went a little too far.

Ironically Smith's disappearance probably was not the result of vampires. It is well known that when they come upon a drunken couple, male vampires will go for the female nine times out of ten, unless they are "Anne Rice" vampires. Yet in this case, the vampires will be the real victims.


Compassionate Conservatism

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Lately I have been hearing a lot about Stanley Tookie Williams. As of my writing this, he is scheduled to be executed tomorrow morning. I decided this evening to fly to California and to speak to Governor Schwarzenegger personally.

While I have no real idea what this Williams stands accused of, I have known Schwarzenegger to be a moral upstanding man since I was little boy, and my father would write scores to his pornographic films. I believe Williams did something with organizing cripples, and while conservatives are no great fans of organized labor, it is hardly a hanging offense.

So I spoke to Uncle Arnold and expressed my concerns. He told me that my defense of Williams was impassioned. And because of the deep respect he had for my father, he sat down and personally wrote out a pardon, which is sitting on my desk at this very moment.

I personally look forward to taking the pardon to the gates of San Quentin tomorrow. Perhaps I'll even get up early for the occasion, say around noon.

Adrian Chevelle, opinions


Bush Optimistic about Iraq 30,000 Dead

Monday, December 12, 2005

(SNN Philadelphia) In Philadelphia today, President Bush offered optimism to Iraqis telling them that no democracy has formed without "challenges, setbacks and false starts." The President chose Philadelphia for his speech because it is the home of the Liberty Bell and much, much safer than Iraq.

The President chose Philadelphia for his speech because it is the home of the Liberty Bell

The President said that 2005 would be recorded as the turning point in Iraqi history, perhaps suggesting that he does have an exit strategy. "Thanks to the courage of the Iraqi people, the year 2005 will be recorded as a turning point in the history of Iraq, the history of the Middle East and the history of freedom."

In addition, the president said that the upcoming parliamentary elections would be the most popular popular election since the previous popular elections, which were not that popular. However, the president added that the popular elections still would not be that popular.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan later said that the number was not an official estimate

The President then surprised reporters as he answered a question about the number of casualties in Iraq. "I would say 30,000 more or less have died as a result of the initial incursion and the ongoing violence against Iraqis," the president said. "We've lost about 2,140 of our own troops in Iraq."

While this is the first official statement made by the White House about Iraqi casualties, White House spokesman Scott McClellan later said that the number was not an official estimate of the Iraqi deaths, but one Mr. Bush cited from media estimates. This is actually quite interesting in that the president claims he does not read media reports about the war. In addition to this, most media estimates have been much higher. It can only be assumed that this number was completely pulled out of his ass.


Speak English or Else

Friday, December 09, 2005

(SNN Kansas City) Sixteen year old Zach Rubio received a school suspension for speaking two words of Spanish in a hallway to a classmate. Unlike other suspensions of this kind, no acts of procreation were suggested and no parts of the human anatomy were brought up. Zach was in fact punished for speaking two words of Spanish.

We were actually quite surprised to find out that "no problema" was Spanish.

"It was, like, totally not in the classroom," the high school junior said. "We were in the, like, hall or whatever, on restroom break. This kid I know, he's like, 'Me prestas un dolar?' ['Will you lend me a dollar?'] Well, he asked in Spanish; it just seemed natural to answer that way. So I'm like, 'No problema.' "

We were actually quite surprised to find out that "no problema" was Spanish. It is pretty easy to make the assumption that it is something that Fonzi would have said, like "Correctamundo".

A teacher who heard Rubio in the hallway sent him to the office, where he was ordered to call his father and leave the school. Rubio's principal, whose students describe as a disciplinarian to her face and as a piece of female anatomy behind her back, refuses to discuss the case with NewsBlog 5000 reporters.

Some people argue that it is important to learn to speak English in the modern United States. However, others believe it may be more important to learn to speak Spanish.

As an immigrant, I know the importance of mastering English
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

On the pro English side sits immigrant Arnold Schwarzenegger, who vetoed a bill authorizing various subjects to be tested in Spanish in the state's public schools. "As an immigrant," the Austrian-born governor said, "I know the importance of mastering English as quickly and as comprehensively as possible." And we wish him all the luck in the world with that endeavor.

Some schools go even farther. There are schools in this country that teach Spanish as an actual subject. They encourage rich people to be bilingual. They even say that being able to speak different languages is a sign of a well-rounded individual. And, much to the chagrin of people like Governor Schwarzenegger, when they teach Spanish they test in Spanish as well.


Wolfowitz Takes No Blame for Intelligence

Thursday, December 08, 2005

(SNN Khaleej) Yesterday, former US Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz claimed that the US-led invasion of Iraq may not have been executed if the United States had known there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction in the country.

We know now that we could have been absolutely convinced that there was no danger

“I'm not sure based on the evidence we know now that we could have been absolutely convinced that there was no danger, absolutely no danger,” said Wolfowitz, who is known as the chief architect for the war, and undoubtedly holds his current position as president of the World Bank due to his fanatical loyalty to the president and his pigheaded conviction that these weapons did exist.

When asked about intelligence failures, Wolfowitz claimed that he had no responsibility to intelligence. “Well, I don't have to, and it's not just because I don't work for the U.S. government anymore. In my old job, I didn't have to." In addition, Wolfowitz later said, "I am a tool."

What is interesting about Wolfowitz's strategy in dealing with Iraq is that this is much different than the traditional way that neocons deal with foreign countries that possess weapons of mass destruction. Wolfowitz advanced the strategy of preemptive war, the idea that we could go to war with the country simply because we thought that country might be dangerous.

The strategy of preemptive war is different from traditional neocon dealings

The strategy of preemptive war is different from traditional neocon dealings with countries that possess Weapons of Mass Destruction in two distinct ways. Firstly, when we know to a country to have Weapons of Mass Destruction like, for instance, North Korea we tend to be very very polite to them and attempt to hold talks. The second thing neocons do when they find out countries have Weapons of Mass Destruction is to let out a very small amount of urine. Really, they let out just a tiny squirt.

But in dealing with Iraq, our neocon leaders somehow managed not to wet themselves. But acted in much the way you would expect them to act if the country had no real power, but did possess something we wanted really, really bad, like some sort of natural resource.

Meanwhile, the United States has been calling for the UN Security Council to end weapons inspections in Iraq. Assumably, this is under the pretense that the US military has already expended its entire supply of Weapons of Mass Destruction.


Spokane Voters Dump Conservative Mayor

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

(SNN Spokane) In what can only be considered a no-confidence vote for President Bush, today voters in Spokane Washington decided to recall their conservative mayor. Sixty five percent of voters in the Washington city voted to recall Mayor James West.

In many ways, West is the conservative's conservative. West is a former sheriff's deputy and Boy Scout leader. And more tellingly, he attempts to use his position to lure young men into having sex with him, offering them city jobs in exchange for... other types of jobs.

And West is not just posing as a conservative. Last spring, Spokane's newspaper, the Spokesman-Review, ran a series of articles that said West had spent large amounts of time on gay web sites and quoted three young men who said that they had communicated to him over the Internet and had been offered city jobs in exchange for sex. In addition, a large quantity of gay pornography had been found on the hard drive of his city computer.

Some considered it shocking, that someone who had advanced anti-gay legislation in the Legislature would be gay themselves. But, the legislation that West attempted to introduce specifically limited contact between gay state employees and children. And West was in a unique position to understand how someone in a government position could abuse their power to take advantage of young people.

At a press conference on Wednesday, West said that he regretted some things in his private life. "I am embarrassed by them, but nevertheless, they are in my private life," West said. Because every good Republican knows, it is unfair to accuse someone of malfeasance simply because they solicited sex from a younger person in their office.


Gay Banks May Have Problems

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

(SNN Colorado Springs) Christian group Focus on the Family is dumping its banker Wells Fargo for promoting a "pro homosexual agenda." Last Thursday, the group told their followers about the move.

The group cited support of a media campaign fund for GLAAD

The group cited support of a media campaign fund for GLAAD, The Gay and Lesbian Alliance against Defamation. The group released a a fund-raising campaign onto the Internet with the Wells Fargo logo. Wells Fargo officially said that they did not approve the advertisement.

This plan presents a conundrum to followers of Focus on the Family. Wells Fargo is a result of over 2000 mergers, and their fingers probably reach farther than anyone actually realizes. Many members of Focus on the Family may find that their own mortgages are owned by Wells Fargo, forcing them to turn to America's other large mortgage lenders, which are also all gay. However, it is possible that Ameriquest home mortgage is only going through a stage.

Wells Fargo pointed out that the bank sponsored many nonprofit organizations

In its defense, Wells Fargo pointed out that, in addition to GLAAD, the bank also sponsored many nonprofit organizations found more suitable by Focus on the Family. Focus on the Family shot back that Wells Fargo had gay sex in its parking lot.

James Dobson, Focus on the Family's chairman, told group followers that Wells Fargo was part of a larger trend in which "gay and lesbian activist groups have picked off all the big companies in the United States." This once again proves how damaging it can be to a person to conceal their sexuality.


The Danger of a War on Christmas

Monday, December 05, 2005

(SNN Scranton) Pentagon officials seem increasingly worried that the war in Christmas may detract from the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. This year it is predicted that an increasingly large number of troops will need to be deployed to protect Christmas shoppers from humbug attacks.

A $.99 Store was struck by a torpedo

Yesterday, a squad of national guardsmen needed to be sent to a Woolworth's in upstate Pennsylvania. A group was forcibly attempting to stop people from Christmas shopping. Before the troops arrived, a hostage situation had developed and over 17 shoppers had been killed. Local police realized that they were in over their heads and contacted the governor, who immediately dispatched the National Guard. This parallels an incident last week in Ohio, where a 99 Cent Store was struck by a torpedo and went down with all hands.

The Pentagon predicts that if incidents like this continue, the United States may lack the manpower to fight both the war on Christmas and the war in Iraq as early as November of 2009. Despite these projections, the Bush administration continues to claim that manpower will not be a problem, perhaps due to our loss of Afghanistan.

The War on Christmas is now a permanent fixture in the national consciousness.

But how did this war on Christmas get started? Up until a few years ago, no one believed that the war on Christmas actually existed, but thanks to the efforts of Fox News Channel, the War on Christmas is now a permanent fixture in the national consciousness. If not for the valiant efforts of FNC, most Americans would still not even be aware that this war existed. However, despite the best efforts of FNC, 55% of their own viewers think there's no problem at all.

The saddest part about the War on Christmas is the people who suffer are the little people. Because of the war on Christmas, chief executives at companies like Wal-Mart, Nordstrom, and The Home Depot may never see their Christmas bonus.


Editor's Note

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Earlier in the week, I intimated to our readers that our senior writer, James Skippenofsky, had been sent to the Swiss Alps for rehabilitation. Several of our readers have asked me how we are continuing to produce articles despite the fact that we are now without our senior writer.

Well, you may have remembered from James's column, Skippy Does It All, that he has a friend of somewhat reputable background named Frank. For some time, Frank has been trying to get me to take a Russian bride. Being that I'm not too good with computers, and it may be some time until James returns, I decided that Frank's plan would offer an ideal opportunity to get some additional labor around the office. This is especially advantageous because we had no real budget for additional help, and pesky labor laws prevent me from firing James for an injury that happened due to my own negligence. When will the government stop interfering with small-business?

Despite the occasional rough moment, my new wife Milika has proved invaluable around the office. Not only is she skilled with the use of computers, but she has a keen grasp on the international situation, probably due to the brief stint she spent as a translator for the KGB.

I hope that this quick note has satisfied everyone's curiosity.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Blanco Releases Katrina Records

Sunday, December 04, 2005

(SNN Shreveport) Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco released, on Friday night, 100,000 pages of records hoping to shed new light on clashes between state officials, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, and administration and FEMA officials.

The 100,000 pages seem to support Governor Blanco's version of events.

The 100,000 pages of e-mails, memos and communiqués seem to support Governor Blanco's version of events. The documents show the Governor Blanco firmly in command attempting to marshal her forces while large quantities of aid from FEMA officials failed to show up.

Within the documents, there is a surprisingly scathing commentary by Representative Charlie Melancon, who describes the attitude of the president's handling of the situation as nonchalant. As many may remember, the President, during the early days of the catastrophe, was playing guitar, eating cake, and calling Governor Blanco "the other big easy". In addition, the president said that Governor Blanco has a nicely rounded "tushy".

The Washington Post article is actually a little bit better

The documents were originally prepared in response to requests by two congressional committees investigating the federal response to Katrina. White House spokesman Dana Perino said that she had not seen the documents. Perino said that it was more important at this point to "take stock of what happened, act on it, and then make sure it doesn't ever happen again."

Admittedly, it's hard to blame the White House for not looking through 100,000 pages of documents. We NewsBlog 5000 looked at the hundred thousand pages of documents and then decided to just write a story based on the Washington Post article, which is actually a little bit better at covering these issues and well you know they are a big news organization. We have, like, six guys so it's not like we have time to just sit around reading documents all day, really.


Editor's Note

Saturday, December 03, 2005

As editor for NewsBlog 5000 I've strived to bring you fresh newsworthy content every day. Up until now, I believed this was a good thing. However, I have some new information which is troubling and has made me rethink this assumption.

As many of our regular readers may be aware, through circumstances beyond our control, NewsBlog 5000 had to shut down for brief period during the last week. What you may not know, is that during this unexpected shutdown, our readership actually went up. It seems that NewsBlog 5000 is actually more popular when we're not actually writing news.

Now that I'm privy to this new information, I, your humble editor, promise to bring you your news less often. This is just another example of how we here at NewsBlog 5000 will go to any lengths to make you, our readers, happy.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Iraqi Media Paid for News Stories

Friday, December 02, 2005

(SNN Washington) Today, Pentagon officials were summoned to a closed-door session on Capitol Hill. The closed-door session is regarding a purported secret military plan in Iraq to plant propaganda in the Iraqi news media.

The White House is "very concerned about the reports."

As late as yesterday, senior Pentagon officials were saying that they had no knowledge of the program and were asking top generals in Iraq to explain the Iraqi operations. Meanwhile White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, has said that the White House is "very concerned about the reports."

The Lincoln Group, a Washington-based public relations firm, translated articles written by American troops. These articles were then given to advertising agencies that paid to have them place in the Iraqi news media. The group was hired last year after military officials concluded that United States was failing to win over public opinion. It is said that over $1 million in cash was given to Iraqi media for spreading the propaganda.

A free and independent press is critical to the functioning of a democracy

Senator John W. Warner, the Virginia Republican who heads the Armed Services Committee, has directed Pentagon aides to describe and justify the program. "A free and independent press is critical to the functioning of a democracy, and I am concerned about any actions which may erode the independence of the Iraqi media," the committee chairman's statement said.

While these actions may undermine the concepts of a free press and democracy, it seems almost typical of the way that our government operates today. Despite this, NewsBlog 5000 has not seen one penny of government money. Seriously, we wouldn't ask for that much. For the right kind of money, we're willing to stoop to depths so low that we would even sicken Bill O'Reilly.


Bush Excited about Harry Potter Movie

Thursday, December 01, 2005

(SNN Washington) President Bush has become more and more excited about the new Harry Potter movie. The president contends that the insurgents not only hate our freedom but they also hate Harry Potter.

At this point, it is unknown exactly how many times the president, a longtime Harry Potter fan, has seen the new Harry Potter movie. But a senior administration official, who wished to remain nameless, said that it was at least a dozen times.

Yesterday the president appeared in front of the Hogwarts crest while giving his Plan for Victory speech. It is theorized that Bush wishes to capitalize on the popularity of the here Potter movies to boost his own popularity which has fallen to a new low point. "That's the trick for the president -- he has to turn around public opinion when he's at a low point in the polls," said John Weaver, a political strategist for Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.).

It is unlikely that this latest speech has won over any opposition members on the Iraq situation, even those that are Harry Potter fans. However, Senator Joe Lieberman has now admitted interest in renting the first movie. Lieberman has long been known as a supporter of the president's plans. However, this is the first time he's expressed any interest in the fantasy genre. "What it does is highlight a split within the Democratic Party," said a senior official who spoke on the condition of anonymity.