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The finger on the invisible hand

Saints’ Home Opener may be Moved

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

(SNN Shreveport) With a city in shambles, hundreds, possibly thousands dead, no power, and a damaged stadium full of over 10,000 refugees, The NFL is considering relocating the home game of the New Orleans Saints.

The league has not ruled out playing the game as scheduled.

According to NFL spokesman Greg Aiello, the league has not ruled out playing the game as scheduled in New Orleans. However, with two large sections having been ripped out of the Superdome roof, and the untimely destruction of the city, the Saints’ opener, less than three weeks away, doesn’t seem possible.

"We continue to monitor the situation, but no decisions have been made," Aiello said. "We are talking to the Saints and exploring alternatives should the game need to be relocated. The goal would be to play it as close as possible to New Orleans. LSU and cities in Texas are among the candidates."

Once upon a time, football players were rugged men.

This is an example of just how far whiney liberalism has gotten in the United States. Once upon a time, football players were rugged men, able to play in a little rain, without electricity, with no pads or helmets and dodging the odd homeless man sleeping on the field.

One thing is for certain. As the death toll rises and the citizens of New Orleans return to find their homes demolished, one thing will be going through their heads: “Are you ready for some football?”


Skippy Donates Sperm

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

This week on Skippy Does it, I decided to become a sperm donor. I have been told that I should not always depend on my hetero life partner Frank to find my assignments, so this week I asked my wife, Bunny Delicious.

Bunny put me into contact with Fred Muscawitz, an agent who manages several of the performers at the gentlemen’s club where she works. Fred arranged for me to visit a local fertility clinic. Because the clinic did not really wish for publicity on this particular aspect of their business, I went on a Sunday and was let in the back door by a doctor, whom I will call Tony.

I asked Tony if he would be asking me questions, and he said, “Well, I suppose so.” He took me into an office and searched for a few minutes for a form. He then asked me several rather invasive questions about my life.

I really have to thank Dr. Tony for helping me out with this story. It was obvious that he was definitely in a weekend frame of mind as he stumbled over many of the medical words on the questionnaire he was reading. After a brief time, he told me that he had enough answers and that we would not have to fill out the rest of the form, as most of the later questions were just simply for office use.

Then Tony took me to a room with a big easy chair and a selection of pornographic magazines and DVDs, and told me to “start spanking it”. Dr. Tony went over to the sink and took a Dixie cup from a holder their, and told me to “shoot your wad into this.”

I assumed that his unprofessional demeanor was to put me at ease. Although, I must admit, I would have been a lot more at ease if Tony wouldn’t have stayed to watch, offer to help, and offer to “return the favor”. When I was done, he gave me $20 cash, and told me to call later for my lab results.

I really have to admire the selflessness of the doctors in fertility clinics. It was obvious to me that Dr. Tony was not making a fortune in that line of work. As I sat in my car taking notes of my experiences, I saw Dr. Tony lock up the back door. He was wearing overalls and got into a van belonging to a local janitorial service.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does It All


Starbucks Coffee is Gay

Monday, August 29, 2005

(SNN Washington) When Starbucks began putting quotes on their coffee cups, they intended for the quotes to spark conversation. They have achieved that goal.

"The wise healer endures the pain. Cry. Tears bring joy." Erykah Badu, liberal

The Concerned Women for America, which promotes itself as the antithesis for the National Organization of Women has called for a boycott of Starbucks. Or at least their husbands have told them to call a boycott. They argue that the sayings on their coffee cups are too liberal.

The group believes that corporations have a responsibility to reflect diversity. For instance, it should be unfair to employ a black person in a coffee shop unless you employ a Klansman. If you quote a gay person on your cup, you should include a quote from Fred Phelps’s “God Hates Fags” ministry. Or, if you have a quote from a women’s rights activist, you should also have a quote from an aborted fetus. This boycott marks the first time a conservative group has believed a corporation should be responsible for anything.

"Mother-love is not inevitable. The good mother is a great artist, ever creating beauty out of chaos." Alice Randall, liberal

Starbucks claims that they only wanted to spark conversation by putting the words of artists, musicians, educators, activists and athletes, all well knows sources of liberalism, with the exception of football players (American rules only). In the future, the company is planning to expand the number of quotes by adding quotes of Starbucks regulars, also known for their liberalism.

The corporation has refused to back down on its crusade to make conservatives gay. If this trend continues, the next time you walk into a coffee shop, you may be surrounded by liberals and homosexuals.


Rave Video Disappoints

Sunday, August 28, 2005

(SSN Salt Lake City) About 60 people were arrested Saturday night at what police called an illegal rave in Utah. Swat team came in and beat young people into submission over what now looks to have been a simple misunderstanding about the filing of permits. Police and event organizers are still arguing over whether or not the rave organizers had sufficient permission to hold the party.

The police might have overreacted in their response

Many who have seen the video say that the police might have overreacted in their response to a bunch of skinny kids listening to lame music. Actually, the handling of the rave by the police would probably have seemed excessive in Iraq. Perhaps the scene of camouflaged men with assault rifles, helicopter support and tear gas might make more sense in a crowd control situation there.

There should have at least been some young girls flashing their breasts.

Actually, the video is rather disappointing. According to what I have learned about raving from syndicated dating programs, there should have at least been some young girls flashing their breasts. I know this is Utah, but come on. All we really got to see on the video was some of that crappy DJ stuff and a skinny girl being kicked in the stomach by police while being eaten by their dog. Really, was it even worth the time of the kid who grabbed the video camera and ran while the police were taking down the cameraman?

This just goes to show how important it is to have all the proper permits. Remember, the next time you have a large get together, file all the proper permits. Otherwise, the swat team might come and beat the crap out of you. It is, however, too bad that Utah doesn't have a better way to deal with cases of a missing permit. Maybe a hefty fine would be more suitable.


Military Mom a Decent Human Being

Saturday, August 27, 2005

(SNN Boise) Disappointment reigned after a CNN interview with military mother Tammy Pruet. While being interviewed Paula Zahn, Mrs. Pruett actually said that she felt Cindy’s pain and empathized with her feelings.

It was supposed to be a masterstroke that would end the war. Bush took a few days off is 50th vacation to visit a National Guard post in Idaho. During that visit he said he was proud of his own service in the National Guard, back in the days when being in the guard meant you got to fly cool jets, not get your ass shot off. Let’s face it, no matter what you think of the president, he’s not that guy in Independence Day. He’s not going to be flying a jet up the alien mother ship’s ass.

During his speech the president singled out Tammy Pruett. Pruett comes from a military family. Her husband and five sons have all served in Iraq. The Pruett family believes in the president and stands behind the war. Many people saw Tammy as the anti-Sheehan.

But hope turned to disaster when Pruett did not turn out to be a rabid attack robot. Unlike several conservative commentators such as Bill O’Reilly, Matt Drudge and Rush Limbaugh, Pruett did not suggest that Sheehan was an anti-American terrorist sympathizer who wanted to lose the war. In fact she treated Sheehan as another military mom who had suffered a great loss. “Personally, as a mother, I feel her pain. Obviously, I can’t feel it to the extent that she does. But I totally empathize with her feelings.”

Pruett did not suggest that Sheehan was an anti-American terrorist sympathizer who wanted to lose the war.

Tammy’s husband, Captain Leon Pruett even went as far as to say, “I guess Cindy and the other folks that have lost loved ones over there, you know, we grieve with them and we’re sorry for their losses and empathize with them and their families and what they’re going through. We don’t have anything against anybody that wants to protest or do anything like that. That’s wonderful. Isn’t it right — isn’t it wonderful that we have that right in this country to be able to do that?”

This has come as quite a blow to the media. I mean seriously: adults acting like adults and treating each other with respect and dignity? That crap might sell out in Idaho, but CNN? Do these people even watch the news? Don’t they have any idea how they are supposed to behave? Why couldn’t she have called Sheehan “terrorist scum” or channeled Casey Sheehan and tell Cindy how disappointed her son is in her. Really, it’s like the Pruett family is not even serious about winning the war.


Go Ask Alice

Friday, August 26, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I like to shop at a large super store, whose logo is a red and white target. I have noticed the girls working the registers are very attractive. While they run my items over the scanner, I like to rub up against the counter until I orgasm. There is even a specific checker than looks forward to seeing me, and I find I am using her lane more and more. But because I am nervous about doing this in a public place, it takes me awhile, and I have to buy a lot of stuff. Do you have any suggestions about how I can continue to see my special checkout friend, but not go broke?

Randy H


Some people would say that you should actually ask this girl out on a date. But in my opinion, as long as you don’t stain the counter you are doing nothing wrong. You just need to relax. Have a drink or two before you go through the line. If the store sells groceries, you can probably get one right in the store. If you are careful, you won’t even have to pay for it. Just take a few quick swigs when no one is looking and slip it back on the shelf.



I have recently discovered that my community has a law against masterbating while watching two people have sex in a car. Ever since making this discovery, I have very badly wanted to do it. I have even taking to sneaking up on secluded places at night hoping to find a couple. But I haven’t been able to find anyone having sex. Is this normal?

Tony D


Are you asking me whether it is normal that no one is having sex in cars? Or are you asking me if it is normal to want to watch people have sex in a car? To address the first, car sex became less popular in the eighties as cars became smaller to conserve gasoline, but as SUVs and station wagons have come back into style, it has experienced resurgence. However, you do have to remember two things while trying to spy on people having car sex: they (usually) do not want to be discovered and because back seats are still relatively small and the discomfort of steering wheels and gearshifts, today’s car sex is usually more hurried. I knew one couple that went as far as to buy a car cover.

If you are asking is it normal to want to masturbate while watching people have sex in a car: It is actually quite common for people to want to see people naked, even having sex. As far as the car thing, it’s probably just reverse psychology. Someone told you not to do something, now you want to do it. But you should be careful, as there are risks involved in what you want to do. Semen can take the finish right off a car. Trust me, I know.



Rick Santorum Passive Aggressively Questions Iraq War

Thursday, August 25, 2005

(SNN Pennsylvania) Last week, Republican U.S. Senator Rick Santorum stated that he publicly expressed concerns about the Iraq war. Santorum’s office acknowledged yesterday that it can not locate public statements of the senator questioning the Iraq war.

Senator Santorum pretty much agrees with everything President Bush says

The statement from Santorum seemed surprising considering that Senator Santorum pretty much agrees with everything President Bush says, and in many cases he is the lead strategist for the president’s initiatives.

While many have condemned Santorum for blatantly making up facts to minimize the repercussions of the low popularity of the President on his image, Senator Santorum has a different theory as to why the statements can not be found. "The fact that it hasn't turned up in print doesn't mean I haven't said it,” Santorum said.

Senator Santorum has a theory as to why the statements can not be found.

The fact is that you don’t have to be taking press conferences all the time to question the war. There are many strategies that Santorum could have used to show his dissatisfaction with the war. He could have inferred his feelings by not returning the President’s phone calls, forgetting to show up for important votes, or pretending to cough while actually saying “bullshit” every time Bush talked.

It is also possible that Santorum did question the Iraq War, but just not for very long. Maybe he was thinking about it in the shower, and became too embarrassed about washing his naughty bits to remember it. Maybe he was going to publicly make statements questioning the war, but left his notes in the back of a taxi and had to fall back to his usual motif of gay bashing. Or perhaps he just dreamed that he made the comments.


Dennis Kucinich Marries Hot English Woman

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

(SNN Cleveland) Ohio Rep. Dennis Kucinich married a British woman, Elizabeth Harper, possibly quieting rumors that the long time bachelor may be gay.

Kucinich and Harper married in front of the Cleveland city hall, where Kucinich was once mayor. “The congressman really wanted to do this in the heart of Cleveland,'' said Kucinich's spokesman. Guests included Shirley MacLaine and Sean Penn.

This is Kucinich’s third marriage, because elves like Kucinich live much longer than regular human beings, it will most likely not be his last. As the years take their toll on Harper, Kucinich will remain young and boyish. The marriage follows Kucinich’s unfavorable appearance on the syndicated program “Truth or Date” during the New Hampshire primaries.

Kucinich is one of the only members of congress actively trying to put a stop to the war, out of control military spending and mind control coming from space. Many in congress opposed Kucinich’s bill, claiming that it would shut down satellites repeating MTV broadcasts.


Robertson Abandons Prayer in favor of Assassination

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

(SNN Virginia Beach) Yesterday on his broadcast of ‘The 700 Club’, cult of personality Pat Robertson called for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. This is a radical move for Robertson, who in the past has merely encouraged that his listeners pray for the death of people Robertson doesn’t like. Apparently, the time for prayer is over.

Only sixty percent of Chavez's people supported him

The background of this situation is complex. Hugo Chavez is a socialist and his policies have divided his country. In 2002, there was a coup, and in a recall election in 2003, only sixty percent of Chavez's people supported him, hardly what one would call a mandate. Actually this would not be so complicated except that Chavez is sitting on vast deposits of oil.

Robertson claimed that murdering Chavez would be much easier than a war of occupation “You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war.”

Jesus said, "I want to kill."

This sort of thinking may seem a little strange for someone who professes the religion of “turn the other cheek”. But as Jesus said, "I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL." Or was that Arlo Guthrie?

Speaking to a Christian audience, Robertson knew that his viewers would be worried about oil production. Robertson assured that even if Chavez was assassinated, the flow of oil would continue. This is only common sense, as most countries where the population is relatively divided do not fall into dirty civil wars when their leaders are killed for political reasons.


Poll - WWJK

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Sixty-Two Percent of Americans Un-American

Monday, August 22, 2005

(SNN Washington) George Bush’s overall job approval rating has dropped to an astoundingly low 38%. Among all Americans, 36% approve of the way Bush is handling his job as president and 58% disapprove. When it comes to Bush's handling of the economy, 33% approve and 62% disapprove.

Due to extensive plastic surgery, Bush is not nearly so hideous looking as Nixon.

To put this in perspective, many have pointed out that Richard Nixon’s job approval rating during the height of the Watergate scandal in 1973 was slightly higher, at 39%. This is especially frightening as, due to extensive plastic surgery, Bush is not nearly so hideous looking as Nixon.

It is unknown why, in these sunny times, so many of these dangerous sixty-two percenters have decided to heed the warnings of unpatriotic, whiney freeloaders. You must remember that if you oppose what President Bush is doing, you are aligning yourself with dangerous radicals like, Howard Dean, Michael Moore, Ralph Nader, Jane Fonda, Joan Baez and Al-Qaeda. Some of these dangerous liberals have been so unpatriotic and against freedom as to campaign against President Bush in the last election.

But, it gets worse. Even people in the president’s own party are beginning to turn against him. And, while it may not be surprising for moderates to break ranks with the president, when conservative lunatics such as Pat Buchanan and Klansmen such as David Duke start to wonder about Bush’s judgment, it is clear that something may be wrong.


Senator Denies Coingate Involvement, Probe

Saturday, August 20, 2005

(SNN Canton) Things are looking bad for Ohio State Senator Vrong. In addition to allegations that he was heavily involved in voting fraud and the Coingate scandal, now Jessica Adams, a senior female staffer has come forward saying that Vrong repeatedly probed her while promising promotions, gifts and raises.

The allegations against Vrong started back in 2004. The first reports that Senator Vrong had used mind control during the 2004 election to influence votes, while being generally ignored by the mainstream media are laid out in the investigation into voting irregularities by Representative John Conyers Jr.

Then in June, it came out that Sen. Vrong was heavily involved in Coingate, the scheme to invest public dollars into rare coins that lost millions in state money. During that time, Vrong supposedly sold Ohio $230,000 in Andetian Oolongs, which are entirely worthless outside the constellation of Orion.

Vrong supposedly sold Ohio $230,000 in Andetian Oolongs.

Finally, there are the probing allegations. Since Adams has come forward, many inside the upper echelons of the Ohio government have also come forward, including Attorney General Jim Petro.

But things are not so simple in politics, and Vrong, who comes from a highly conservative district, may very well keep his seat. We talked to Vrong’s constituent Gerry Klam. “Well, Senator Vrong says that he want to enslave the human race and take us back to his planet to work for 100 generations, but I don’t think I can bring myself to vote for a Democrat,” Klam told us.


Hollywood Rethinking Strategies

Friday, August 19, 2005

(SNN Los Angeles) As the latest crop of summer blockbusters turn into flops, Hollywood has been left scratching it’s head on how to entice people to go to the movies.

This summer has seen disappointing returns for the movie industry.

This summer has seen disappointing returns for the movie industry. One movie “Stealth” cost the movie industry $150 million dollars and was only seen by one guy and his dog. We contacted the viewer, Sandy Sheahurst. Sandy told us, “Actually I though I was going to see ‘March of the Penguins’. I just walked into the wrong theater.

Hollywood has released a host of unwatchable movies this summer. These movies cost tens of millions to make, are targeted only to 16 to 34 year olds and have no plot. But studio executives think they may have the solution to getting people to see more movies: more advertising.

But some in Hollywood think that they merely have to get smarter with the way they target their advertising. "There might be a more effective way to spend your $2.4 million than on a 30-second spot seven months before your movie opens," says Russell Schwartz, head of marketing at New Line.

There might be a more effective way to spend your $2.4 million than on a 30-second spot

Still, some are looking at even more radical strategies. One company, the Extreme Marketing Group, pays people to see the movies. “If you take a classic example of a flop, like ‘Gigli’” says EMG’s president Mark Hammer, “and you look at what was spent on advertising, you find that you would have had a much larger audience had you just paid people $20 to see the movie. Market research has shown us that there are people who would do anything for $20; people who are addicted to crack, ghetto children, etc. And I mean anything.”

Also, marketers are attempting to do more cross promotion. To market "Wedding Crashers," New Line joined forces with Anheuser-Busch Cos., brewer of Budweiser beer, hoping that it would be easier to convince drunk people to go to a movie.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I have been diligently following a celebrity for several years now. I consider myself a fan. I admit that on occasion, I have gone a little too far. Her attorneys and certain members of law enforcement have occasionally gone as far as calling me a stalker. In fact they have gone as far as to never allow me back into Scotland again. I have heard that this celebrity may be going to France for the holidays. Should I go to France, or do you think she really is not that interested in me?

Edwin M


They say that you should always follow your dreams, but I often tell people that a restraining order is a sign that a relationship might not be working out. However, they say that winters in France are quite mild and cold spells do not last for long. My suggestion is that if you feel you have to go, you should take someone who can give you advice on how to properly handle yourself when you are around your celebrity friend. I would like to offer my services in this capacity. Please contact me for rates and travel arrangements.



I have gone on a few dates with this man. The other night, he admitted to me that he used to be a Catholic priest. I’m afraid that this means that he is gay. Could it be that he is just using me to appear straight?

Sally T


I do not think you have to be afraid of this man using you to hide his homosexuality. While a few isolated incidents of homosexuality have marred the reputation of Catholic priests, the vast majority of Catholic priests are not homosexuals at all. It is much more likely that he is using his relationship with you to hide pedophilia. It is in fact nuns that are more known for their homosexuality.



Editor's Note - Farewell Sweet Prince

Thursday, August 18, 2005

It’s been awhile, dear readers, since I have given you a personal message. So I just though I’d take this chance to check in.

Things are going well for the NewsBlog 5000 staff. Alice Humbees is out of rehab. James Skippenofsky has returned from his treasure hunting expedition with Governor Bob Taft and was fortunate enough not to get caught up in the indictments. And despite winning the prestigious citywide pole dancing championship, Bunny Delicious has just informed me that despite her fame, she will continue in her current capacity.

On a personal note, it is time to bid farewell to my own mentor, perhaps the greatest journalist of our time, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, who took his own life, while on the phone, mid conversation, while working on a story about 911, after intimating to a friend that he feared for his life. This Saturday, Dr. Thompson’s remains will dispersed from 34 different fireworks shells.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor


Many want Occupation to End

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

(SNN Crawford) Being occupied by an invading force is not any easy thing to handle, even it the intentions of the occupiers is for the best. Tensions are now running high in a little town that has doubled in size in a short time.

The occupiers have turned family against family

The occupation is hard on the simple, uneducated citizens of Crawford, keeping many people up late as they beat their bongos and shake their tambourines – sometimes as late as 10:30 at night. Some people have complained about the traffic. It now takes almost twice as long to move a cattle pen across Crawford.

The occupiers have turned family against family. One Crawford resident, Melissa Harrison, let a group hold a news conference on her land, only to be called Hanoi Jane, by her father. Although it must be admitted that turning family against family is easier in communities where most people are related.

But as in many of these situations, the occupying force does not understand the stress and tension put on everyday life. "We are trying to be really good neighbors," Sheehan said. "We have cooperated with everybody. The neighbors here don't have any issues with our right to be here. They just have an issue with our physical presence." Tensions are not likely to abate for quite some time. Much like the American occupation of Japan, many of the Crawford citizens still see President Bush as God.


Stoners Want End to War

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

(SNN Detroit) While a lot of attention has been given to America’s desire to end the war in Iraq, people tend to forget that we are fighting two wars. In addition to the War on Terror, we are still fighting the War on Drugs.

According to the federal government, Olaf is an enemy of America

First you need to look at the money. The United States government is involved in a war against its own people. This war has cost the American taxpayer $32 billion this year alone and money keeps being spent at the rate of $600 per second.

Stanley Olaf is like many of us. He goes to his job and works hard. He enjoys gardening. He wonders if he should buy that new car. But according to the federal government, Olaf is an enemy of America. Olaf is a stoner.

Olaf uses marijuana when he doesn’t have to work. “On my days off, I wake and bake,” says Olaf. “That’s when you smoke a fatty before breakfast.” Olaf doesn’t seem to think that marijuana harms society. “Well, they say that I’m hurting like children,” Olaf says, “but I’ve never smoked up with any kids. So that’s cool.”

Olaf takes a dim view on the War on Drugs, specifically the prohibition against marijuana. “I mean, it grows naturally here, right. So, it’s like dog shit.” We asked Olaf to clarify. “Well, if you find dog poop on your lawn, are you the one that pooped? Sometimes shit just happens. It’s not like we can shove a cork in every dog’s ass. That’s just going to piss off the dog.”

Betty Swanson is president of SPAM

But many people believe marijuana should be illegal. Betty Swanson is president of SPAM, Sensible People Against Marijuana. She believes that marijuana should be illegal. “Marijuana is a dangerous drug and should be illegal,” Swanson told us. Swanson gave a summary of why she though marijuana was dangerous. “Marijuana is illegal,” Swanson told us.

Others point to the War on Terror actually being a hindrance to the War on Drugs. They point to the 300% growth poppy production in Afghanistan as a sign that America is not doing its job. However, President Bush addressed this in a recent press conference. “I mean, poppies grow naturally there, right. So, it’s like dog shit. If you find dog poop on your lawn, are you the one that pooped? Sometimes shit just happens. It’s not like we can shove a cork in every dog’s ass. That’s just going to piss off the dog.”


High Gas Prices Hurt Businesses

Monday, August 15, 2005

(SNN New York) The average price of gas in the United States passes $2.50 this week. These prices are not only hurting regular people at the pump, but also businesses.

Prices are not only hurting regular people at the pump, but also businesses.

The national average for self-serve, regular unleaded gas was nearly $2.5011 a gallon on Aug. 12, according to the nationwide Lundberg survey of about 7,000 filling stations. This is the third record high for gasoline this year.

Many do not think about the cost of doing business, but modern businesses are increasingly dependent of cheap gasoline. We interviewed Ron Howard, a computer programmer from Oakland, CA about how his work was affected by the price of gas. “I have managed to stay away from the pump,” Ron says. “I got permission to work from home.”

Ron is a member of an increasingly growing segment of the American workforce forced to work from home due to the rising cost of gasoline. He finds it difficult being away from his coworkers. “I really find it difficult to get any work done at all. Most of the day goes to waste.”

Without supervisors overseeing his every move, and only being let in on the most important of meetings has given Ron little to do. “I find an hour a day is usually enough to get more done than I ever did with a ten hour day at the office.” Without anything else to do, the remainder of Ron’s day is spent sitting around in his bathrobe, eating cereal, and masturbating to Sailor Moon. “It’s difficult,” says Ron, “but I have to do my part to relieve our dependence on foreign oil.”


Bush Vows to get over Sheehan Death

Sunday, August 14, 2005

(SNN Crawford) Despite unbelievable adversity, President Bush has vowed to get over the death of Casey Sheehan. "It's also important for me to go on with my life," the President said Saturday.

President Bush has vowed to get over the death of Casey Sheehan

While Bush says he is aware of the sentiments of Cindy Sheehan and her followers, he has chosen to lead by example and show them how he has moved on. “I think it's important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those who have got something to say,” the President said before going for a bike ride.

In addition to the two-hour bike ride, Bush's Saturday schedule included an evening Little League Baseball playoff game, a nap with Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, some fishing and some reading. "I think the people want the president to be in a position to make good, crisp decisions and to stay healthy and part of my being is to be outside exercising," the President said before his ride.

The President admits that there are many people who would like to talk to him

The President admits that there are many people who would like to talk to him and they are all deserving. "Whether it be here or in Washington or anywhere else, there's somebody who has got something to say to the president, that's part of the job," Bush said on the ranch. "And I think it's important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those who have got something to say. “I think it's also important for me to go on with my life, to keep a balanced life."

The President understands that there is more to life than just war and death. There are black tie fund raisers, tax breaks for the wealthy and photo ops, and it is important for him not to become too focused on any one thing.


Whatcha Gonna Do with All that Ass

Saturday, August 13, 2005

(SNN Kandagal) Logistics problems are common in every army. This has always especially been true in the rugged mountains of Afghanistan. Humvees are of limited use and support helicopters, the backbone of US military rough terrain logistics, have difficultly maneuvering in the thin air of high mountain elevations, especially when being shot at. However, one battalion of Marines has found an original solution: transporting food and bottled water using the methods that the Afghan villagers have been using since the beginning of recorded time.

The donkeys are significantly cheaper than Chinook helicopters

Thirty donkeys have been rented from local farmers. The donkeys are more effective at delivering supplies and significantly cheaper than Chinook helicopters, whose price runs around thirty million dollars and cost thousands of dollars an hour to fly.

"With all the smart bombs and the modern stuff in war nowadays, this is the best way for us to resupply our troops there," said Lt. Col. Jim Donnellan, commander of 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment.

The donkeys allow squads to carry enough food and water for an additional two days in the field, as well as providing warmth and companionship for the Marines. "Marines have used donkeys since the American revolution," said Capt. John Moshane at the Marines' Mountain Warfare Training Center in Bridgeport, Nevada. Still, even Marines find the donkey’s determination to mate whenever they are untied frustrating.

Also, in an environment as dangerous as the Afghani Mountains, it is possible for a Marine to have his ass shot out from under him. The civilian donkeys rented by the Marines are soft sided and susceptible to small arms and sniper fire. There has been some interest in seeing the donkeys hardened.

Still the stubbornness of the animals has continued to be a problem for Marines. To them, we give the following piece of advice from animal handler George Clinton, “Free your mind and your ass will follow.”


Abusive Video may Lead to Bad Feelings

Saturday, August 13, 2005

(SNN Washington) The Pentagon is trying to block the release of new video evidence of prisoner abuse in Iraq’s Aru Ghraib prison. The Pentagon argues that release of the torture videos would incite negative opinion in the Muslim world.

The Pentagon argues that release of the torture videos would incite negative opinion

General Richard Myers, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said if the images are made public, "riots, violence and attacks by insurgents will result.” He also said it will "endanger the lives and physical safety of the soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines in the United States Armed Forces presently serving in Iraq and Afghanistan."

The photographs and videos in question were turned over to military investigators by a Specialist Joseph Darby, a reservist who was posted at Abu Ghraib. And the repercussions so far have been enormous, seeing the punishment of men ranking as high as Sergeant.

While we have already seen Iraqi detainees stacked in naked piles, led around like dogs, standing hooded and naked while evil Opie surveys their bellends, cowering in front of snarling military dogs, chained to beds in stress positions, with women's underwear put over their heads, these additional photos and videos, are apparently not so much fun as those light hearted “fraternity pranks”.

An open and free society sometimes has to arbitrarily imprison people

And the Pentagon is right. People in the Muslim world don’t take brutal torture of their countrymen lightly. In fact, they don’t take much of anything lightly. Really, you think they guys at the NAACP have no sense of humor when you show up on Halloween dressed as a ghost, but these guys are on a whole other level.

Some people just do not have the perspective to realize that an open and free society sometimes has to arbitrarily imprison people and deny their human and civil rights to show them how free they really are. People in the Muslim world are, in fact, quite beyond reasoning on the subject.

The clear victim in this case is the Pentagon. They only want to protect their jobs, their boss and our troops by keeping the world ignorant of the fact that they are doing things that are unbelievably unconscionable. If Specialist Darby would have just kept his mouth shut or had investigators simply lost the evidence, things could have quietly continued at Aru Ghraib.


Da Vinci Code will be Rewritten

Friday, August 12, 2005

(SNN Los Angeles) Sony Pictures is attempting to rewrite the film version of The Da Vinci Code to reduce the offence that the best-selling book caused to Roman Catholics. NewsBlog 5000 has obtained exclusive information in the direction this new thriller is going to take.

NewsBlog 5000 has obtained exclusive information

If you don’t know what the Da Vinci code is about, you should get out from under your rock. Film officials have held talks with Catholic groups and other organizations despite Dan Brown, the author, insisting that “it’s only a novel and therefore a work of fiction”.

The basic plot will be somewhat simplified. The film will star Tom Hanks as Robert “Robby” Langdon, a middle aged man who is sweet but mildly mentally challenged. When he is not sitting on a park bench eating chocolates, Robby owns a fast food restaurant named “Da Vinci’s”. But Da Vinci’s is facing stiff competition from the mega hamburger chain across the street.

Things are going bad for Robby’s business when he finds a cryptic treasure map.

Things are going bad for Robby’s business when he finds a cryptic treasure map. When the worldly, hip-hoppy, teenage restaurant employees manage to decode the map, they discover a secret tunnel under his restaurant. Robby and his employees travel through underground caverns to find a treasure aboard a pirate ship guarded by a gang of crooks.

However, fighting the bad guys in the tunnels has blurred the line between fantasy and reality. Robbie starts having visions and attempts to throw himself off a large building. Robby moves home with his parents, who can stop him from hurting himself. The trendy, worldly teenagers then vow to keep the restaurant going until Robby gets better, and James Brown comes in for a hamburger and ends up singing “The Funky Side of Town” to bring people to Da Vinci’s.


Iraq Ties to bin Laden Confirmed

Thursday, August 11, 2005

(SNN Alexandria) A piece in Newsweek has identified a citizen accused of ties to Osama bin Laden working within the new Iraqi government Ministry of Foreign affairs. But this is only part of this amazing story.

Hamdi allegedly delivered a satellite-phone battery to bin Laden in Afghanistan.

Tariq A. Hamdi is an Iraqi-born American citizen who formerly lived in the Washington suburb of Herndon, Va. Hamdi allegedly delivered a satellite-phone battery to bin Laden in Afghanistan. He is currently employed in the Iraqi embassy in Ankara, Turkey.

But the real story here is not the article itself, but the Newsweek Investigative Correspondent, Mark Hosenball. Upon seeing Hosenball’s picture it immediately becomes apparent that he is the perfect choice for the United States ambassador to the UN.

Hosenball has worked for Newsweek since November 2003. He has reported on numerous stories on terrorism and won the Ed Cunningham Memorial Award for best magazine reporting from abroad for Newsweek’s coverage of the war on terror, the National Magazine Award for General Excellence for its coverage of September 11 and its aftermath, and the White House Correspondents’ Association Edgar A. Poe Award for “excellence on a story of national or regional importance”.

But the most striking aspect of Hosenball is his thick and manly moustache, a monument that puts John Bolton’s milk moustache to shame. When you are competing with countries like Cuba, Italy and the Middle East, any advantage in the area of facial hair can be crucial. While Bolton’s silvery soup strainer takes one aback at first, it eventually becomes a testament to a man unwilling or unable to face himself in the mirror. Hosenball on the other hand is a man who could sit across from Ambassador Zarif of Iran and say, “You must stop your refinement of Uranium, or my moustache will eat your beard.”


Katherine Harris Shows Substance

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

(SSN Tulsa) Last night on Hannity and Colmes, U.S. Senate candidate Katherine Harris gave a brief interview. Hopefully that interview is indicative of what we can expect from her entire candidacy.

Harris has recently given herself a little bit of media attention by claiming that the press had doctored her photograph during the time she was doctoring the 2000 presidential election. Later, she claimed that the press had made up the fact that she claimed the photos were doctored. Some say that this is only to cover for a recent extreme makeover.

During the interview Harris bobbed and weaved like a boxer on cocaine, using her breasts to defend herself from the need to make sense. But physical movements aside, some of her choice of words and slurring indicated a drunken command of the English language, showing that she is much more eloquent then even the President of the United States.

The White House has been actively searching for another primary candidate.

At first, the interview did not go so well for Harris. Alan Colmes pointed out that the President and his brother, Governor Jeb Bush, were not standing behind her campaign. Harris interrupted to say, “Actually, they have.” This may come as a surprise to the White House and many Republicans who have been actively searching for another primary candidate. However, it is difficult to find someone willing to represent Florida, the steakhouse stabbing capitol of the world.

However, during the second half of her interview, led by Sean Hannity, things went much better for Harris. While there was a bit of tough territory at first, when Hannity suggested that not even Harris’s friends really liked her, he soon covered by telling her how wonderful he thought she was. In fact, Hannity has expressed an interest in starting a Katherine Harris fan club, where members would wear padded bras on their heads like mouse ears.


Gibson may Replace Jennings

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

(SNN Dulles) While news anchor Peter Jennings is not yet in the ground, speculation has turned to who will replace the man who has been the face of ABC news for an entire generation.

An ABC News spokesman stressed that it would not name a new anchor for the broadcast for an indeterminate amount of time. Indeed, the news division was in a period of mourning Monday after the news of Jennings’ passing broke late Sunday, when he died of inoperable lung cancer at his Manhattan home.

Gibson and News correspondent Elizabeth Vargas have been filling in for Jennings, and there will be no change for the time being, ABC News spokesman Jeffrey Schneider said.

However, Gibson remains a controversial figure. He considers himself a traditionalist Catholic and says that “dwindling numbers and pedophilia” in the church are the results of Vatican II. This is in opposition of Senator Rick Santorum, who blames the pedophilia on Boston liberalism.

he wanted New York Times columnist Frank Rich’s “intestines on a stick”

Gibson has also, at times, been critical of the media. He once said that he wanted New York Times columnist Frank Rich’s “intestines on a stick”, and that he would kill Rich “and his dog”. However Rich claims that he has no dog.

Gibson played a crucial role in the production of “The Passion of the Christ”, based on the senile rantings of an anti-semitic nun. However, Gibson left out the most openly anti-semetic passage in the passion story, because “they'd be coming after me at my house, they'd come kill me.”


Straight Men to get Married

Monday, August 08, 2005

(SNN Ottowa) Bill Dalrymple and his “friend” Bryan Pinn have decided to take advantage of Canada’s new same sex marriage legislation. Some people say this degrades the sanctity of marriage, because they are straight and getting married for tax benefits.

Surprisingly, alcohol was involved in the proposal

Surprisingly, alcohol was involved in the proposal, which came last Monday at a Toronto bar amid shock and laughter from their friends. Both of the men were previously married and both are looking for a good woman to love.

The couple insists that their marriage will be a powerful political statement. "There are significant tax implications that we don't think the government has thought through," Pinn said. However, they say that they are not against gay marriage. "I disagree with the government getting involved with what people should and shouldn't do," Dalrymple said. "Stay out of the bedrooms."

I disagree with the government getting involved with what people should and shouldn't do

There are however some serious issues that Mrs. Dalrymple and Pinn have not though through. What if, and it must be admitted that this is quite a stretch, one finds his “good woman”? If his partner divorces them on grounds of adultery, and gets a sympathetic judge, his partner could walk away with everything.

Words of warning came from Toronto lawyer Bruce Walker, a gay and lesbian rights activist. "Generally speaking, marriage should be for love," he said. "People who don't marry for love will find themselves in trouble."

But this is where Mr. Walker is wrong. Marriages have a long tradition of being arranged for monetary alliances instead of amore. In many world cultures, arranged marriages for financial alliance are the norm and the tradition is still alive in America today. Invariably, the couple will grow to love each other through their close partnership. It is only a matter of time before Mrs. Dalrymple and Pinn will fall deeply in love.

History/Social Science for Fiddler on the Roof Study Guide


Skippy Joins a Street Gang

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Last week, Homeland Security announced the rounding up and arresting of 582 gang members. In my most ambitious project yet, I James Skippenofsky set upon my most difficult assignment. I attempted to infiltrate one of these immigrant street gangs.

Once again I relied on the street savvy of my discount mortgage broker Frank. Frank put me into contact with an associate of his named Bernardo. Bernardo had recently moved his gang to the U.S. from Puerto Rico, and was looking for able bodies to fight in the turf wars that would ultimately gain him respect.

I met Bernardo behind a local community theater his gang, the Sharks, called home. Bernardo took instantly to me and even said that I had the right look to be one of his lieutenants, or understudies.

Bernardo told me that if I wanted to be a Shark, I would have to audition. First we did some focusing exercises. Bernardo told us that the most important part of being in a gang is the appearance. He talked about how we should carry ourselves in a way that gave a feeling that we were capable of violence.

Then we started the audition. First we took turns showing Bernardo our presence. Then we practiced snapping our fingers in time. We each did cold reading and then we sang a solo. I chose “Old Devil Moon” from Finnegan’s Rainbow.

In the end, Bernardo told me that I had been a very good applicant. But he told me that I really needed to work on my modern dance if I wanted to be in the Sharks. He told me that I did show promise and that I should try again next year when they would be casting for the Sharks again. I walked away from the experience with a profound respect for Street Gangs and the skills they need to successfully defend their turf.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


Selfish Protesters Interrupt Presidential Vacation

Sunday, August 07, 2005

(SNN Crawford) Today, U.S. veterans of the Iraq war and mothers of men who died in combat joined an anti-war protest near President Bush’s ranch Saturday. They joined Cindy Sheehan of Vacaville, CA, whose son was killed in Baghdad.

This is typical of single minded, selfishness of the anti-war movement. President Bush will only get so much vacation time before he is forced to retire in three years. At the rate he is going, he may not even get in another forty vacations. What’s even more damaging to the presidential vacation is that the President has admitted to thinking about Iraq every day. While it is not known how much time he sets aside for thinking about Iraq, if he does it on vacation, it may take up a significant amount of time.

The President’s vacation was valiantly protected

Fortunately, despite the protest, the President’s vacation was valiantly protected by Secret Service Agents and police officers. After the veterans and mothers who had lost their sons walked a mile in hundred degree heat to be heard by the President, he was even nice enough to send out a couple of White House aids to talk to them, who spoke with Sheehan for 45 minutes in the hundred degree heat.

However, this is not good enough for Cindy Sheehan, who thinks her dead son should get her some sort of special treatment. After her conversation with national security advisor Stephen Hadley and White House Deputy Chief of Staff Joe Hagin, Sheehan said in an interview that she would continue to seek a meeting with Bush. "I didn't change my mind at all," she said.


Threatening Note on US Passenger Plane

Saturday, August 06, 2005

(SNN Houston) A threatening note found on a US passenger plane caused a scare Friday. Authorities kept the plane away from the terminal in fear of an explosive device.

the plane was diverted to an isolated section of Houston Hobby Airport.

After landing in Houston Texas the plane was diverted to an isolated section of Houston Hobby Airport. US Homeland Security Department officials were quoted by Local TV channels as saying that a passenger alerted flight attendants after finding a note which said there was a bomb on board.

Then, the 136 passengers and five crew members waited for an hour while law enforcement tried to figure out whether or not the plane they were sitting in was going to explode.

No arrest has been made with connections to the incident

So far no arrest has been made with connections to the incident. Investigators "were able to determine that there was no terrorist threat to the airplane or passengers," FBI spokesman Al Tribble said. But, still, the chilling message remains. “All Your Base is Belong to Us. Somebody set us up the bomb.”

After the passengers had been taken to safety, the 737 was detonated, just in case an explosive device was present.


The Movement to Name Everything Ronald Reagan Continues

Friday, August 05, 2005

(SNN Washington) Washington D.C. has long been known as a haven for drug traffickers, gun runners and money laundering. It seems only fitting that a group of enthusiastic citizens want to name one of its primary thoroughfares for President Ronald Reagan.

This movement represents a major effort by some conservatives to get one of everything in the United States named after Ronald Reagan. Reagan already has an aircraft carrier, an airport, 65 streets, a federal building, several elementary schools, a breakfast cereal, a cow in Oklahoma, the seventh commandment, a sexually assaulted watermelon and two sets of tableware named after him. The current bill is sponsored by Rep. Henry Bonilla

And this would seem a fine thing to do. Washington has several streets named for presidents, including Thomas Jefferson and James Garfield, and there is a circle named for George Jefferson. But some say, 16th street, the street that crosses many of the actually nice neighborhoods is too prominent a thoroughfare and represents all presidents not just one president. "Sixteenth Street is one of our city's most prominent thoroughfares. It represents all presidents, not just one president," says Mayor Anthony Williams. The Mayor suggested that Bonilla rename a street for Reagan back home in San Antonio.

The Mayor suggested that Bonilla rename a street for Reagan back home in San Antonio.

In addition to this, not only could we not find anyone in Washington that actually liked President Reagan, the person behind the movement is not from Washington D.C. But Rep. Henry Bonilla, (R-TX) the sponsor of the bill, argues that everyone secretly loves Ronny. "Most people agree that Ronald Reagan was an American icon," Bonilla said. "He deserves an honor in the nation's capital." Bonilla went on to say, “It’s like when a woman says no. You know she won’t press charges, so she really wanted to.”


Bush Creates Hope for Religious Groups

Thursday, August 04, 2005

(SNN Crawford) Monday, during a round-table interview with reporters from five Texas newspapers, President Bush said students should learn about both evolution and intelligent design. This has created a great deal of hope for religious groups hoping to force secular schools to disseminate their message.

President Bush has always been a great believer in the power of faith.

President Bush has always been a great believer in the power of faith. His complex philosophy of life says that belief can move mountains, change the course of a war, or invalidate a drug test. "He truly believes he's on a mission from God. Absolute faith like that overwhelms a need for analysis. The whole thing about faith is to believe things for which there is no empirical evidence", says Bruce Bartlett, a Reagan advisor and former treasury official.

In his interview Bush said that people should be exposed to new ideas, no matter how ridiculous. "I think that part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought," Mr Bush said. "You're asking me whether or not people ought to be exposed to different ideas, the answer is yes."

These words of encouragement have invigorated a movement to teach students about the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who created the world, the trees, a mountain and a midget from his Noodly Appendages. This has also given comfort the followers of the Personal Jesus movement, started in the early nineties by prophets calling themselves the Depeche Mode. Another group who fell emboldened by this message from Bush is the Cult of the Fu. The Cult of the Fu believes that they Earth was created by an invisible man with a long white beard, and that you must obey this man’s wishes or your soul will burn in eternal fire.

Editor's Note: Additional Resources
Flying Spaghetti God
The Holy Depeche Mode Writings


Village Voice Causes Controversy

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

(SNN New York) An article, in New York’s Village Voice, about random searches in the New York transit system has caused quite a bit of controversy. The article “NYers to NYPD: ‘I Do Not Consent to Being Searched’” received an extraordinary negative response from readers.

‘I Do Not Consent to Being Searched’ received an extraordinary negative response from readers.

The article concerned a local immigrant rights activist Tony Lu, who designed T-shirts bearing the slogan “I do not consent to be searched”. The creation of the shirts was a reaction to an announcement by the NYPD that police would randomly and routinely search the bags of commuters.

Dwayne Thomas, a 38 year old part time rodeo worker and butcher, is unhappy with the tone that the article took. “If you want safety, you have to give up a little of your freedom. I know I feel safer at night knowing that there are random searches on the subways,” Dwayne told us.

Dwayne thinks random searches at rodeos are useless.

While Dwayne has never been within a thousand miles of New York City, he tells us that safety would be a concern if he ever traveled there. Dwayne, however, had a little trouble coming up with a reason for traveling to the Big Apple. “I might want to go there, if there was a big rodeo or something. I don’t know.” Dwayne thinks random searches at rodeos are useless. “What are they going to do, stick their d*cks in a cow’s *ss? There’s plenty of guys that do that already.”

The article had yet to produce any negative response to actual residents of New York City.

Editor’s note:
We would like to apologize to the entire world for the use of that last quote. At first we were hesitant to use quotes from Dwayne Thomas. However, we did receive corroborating accounts that many people at rodeos do indeed stick their d

Editor’s note:
We would like to apologize for the last apology.


Go Ask Alice

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Alice Humbees has been working on other assignments, but we were able to persuade her to write her column this week. We humbly submit to you another episode of Go Ask Alice.


The other day in the NASCAR chat room, the subject of homosexuality came up. I believe that the support of homosexuality is a continuation of the feminization of America, where real men dare not speak out against diversity.

Mike H


You are right. America is becoming increasingly feminized. Did you know that slightly over half the population of America is female? What’s more, in comparison to the male side of the population, the females are having children at an extraordinary rate.

But back to your problem, if you feel you should speak out against something, then it is your right. I suggest that you make a grand gesture. Make a giant sign, perhaps by sewing several bed sheets sewn together, have a woman sew them if you are afraid it is too feminine. Write your convictions on that sheet and take it to the tallest building you can find on a very windy day. Walk to the very edge of the roof, hold on tightly to your sign and unfurl your treatise for the world to see. I guarantee this will put an end to your problem.



I am a man in my mid thirties that is underemployed and working with many entry level young women (16-19 years old). I find myself very attracted to a couple of them and I was wondering if it would be inappropriate to ask them out on dates or proposition them sexually. I did some research and discovered 16 is the legal age of consent in my state.

Rod K


The change from child to adult is an especially dangerous time for adolescents in our society. It is always critical that you take the utmost care when even considering a relationship with someone, especially a female, even in the later adolescence. In today’s culture, sexual content is regularly marketed to younger children, pre-teens, and teens and this affects young people's sexual activity and beliefs about sex. While you have done some research on your own feelings and legal indemnity, I suggest you do some careful consideration on the situations of these girls that you plan to have a relationship with. For instance, what if you did manage to get one of them to go on a date with you and took her home to a frantic make out session on her couch, only to suddenly discover that she still lives at home and her father is a marine or a concrete worker. These are all things you need to discover before you consider a teenage girl approachable.



I am a healthy young man with a good sex drive. Lately my girlfriend seems less and less eager to have sex. I hear other men tell me horror stories about how they do not have sex now that they are married. Why do women seem to lose their sex drive after they spend time in a committed relationship?

Ben Q


Do you enjoy seeing the same movie over and over again? How many people do you know that eat at the same restaurant every day? With your high sex drive you probably see a woman every now and then you want to have sex with. Your girlfriend is the same way. She is most probably cheating on you. Or you have a small penis.



Pentagon Not Officially Torturing Anyone

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

(SNN Washington) Today, Newsweek reported on a memo sent by an FBI supervisor to FBI lawyers. The memo warned that the military planned to commit conspiracy to torture suspects at Guantanamo.

The Bush administration calls this policy “extraordinary rendition”

Amongst other accusations of questionable practices, the memo addresses a plan being discussed to transfer detainees to to foreign countries that have been widely criticized for practicing torture, thus circumventing about U.S. laws. The Bush administration calls this policy “extraordinary rendition”. This term beat out early front runners of “proxy dismemberment” and the President's favorite “barbequing their wieners on someone else’s grill”.

"In as much as the intent of this category is to utilize, outside the U.S., interrogation techniques which would violate [U.S. law] if committed in the U.S., it is a per se violation of the U.S. Torture Statute," the agent wrote. "Discussing any plan which includes this category could be seen as a con-spiracy to violate [the Torture Statute]" and "would inculpate" everyone involved.

more than 100 terror suspects have been rendered to foreign countries

Intel officials estimate that more than 100 terror suspects have been rendered to foreign countries by the CIA under a classified directive signed by President George W. Bush after 9/11. Pentagon officials have confirmed that 65 detainees have been transferred from Guantanamo for further detention by foreign governments the State Department criticizes for practicing torture, or what the Pentagon calls a “torture-rich environment”.

Again, we find that we have hit a new low. Not only are memos passed around the FBI asking if the way in which the administration is having people tortured is breaking U.S. law. But they are doing it so much, that they have had to come up with a name for it.

Update 1:
Fellow reporter BadTux has some additional info on this story. A small excerpt:

One of them took my penis in his hand...


Bush Backdoors Bolton

Monday, August 01, 2005

(SNN Washington) President Bush went around the Senate to appoint John Bolton as UN Ambassador. This appointment comes amongst accusations that Bolton is abusive and volatile.

Bush says that Bolton is the ideal man to represent the United States in the United Nations. "This post is too important to leave vacant any longer, especially during a war and a vital debate about UN reform," Bush said. Bolton, in turn, had positive things to say about President Bush. “I think he’s an incompetent boob that couldn’t even get one stupid nomination pushed though the senate,” Bolton said.

The recess appointment is an emergency power granted to the President, allowing him to appoint a temporary ambassador when Congress is in recess. According to the Constitution, the appointment will last until the next session of Congress starts in January 2007.

Bush blamed Bolton’s lack of appointment on a “handful” of senators, who were being obstructionist. In this case, a handful is the over 40% needed to filibuster a candidate, including members moderate filibuster busting coalition headed by John McCain. “Because of partisan delaying tactics by a handful of senators, John was unfairly denied the up-or-down vote that he deserves,” Bush said.

Delaying tactics included the demanding of papers from Bolton’s tenure at the state department

Delaying tactics included the demanding of papers from Bolton’s tenure at the state department, which they said would be incriminating. Despite the fact that the Bush administration continuously told these Senators that they were not going to get information about Bolton, they insisted that they know something about the candidate.

In accepting the appointment, Bolton gave the UN the highest praise that he could ever give an organization. “The members of the UN are a bunch of dumb jerks that I can really push around,” Bolton said. “I plan to push the whole f*cking building into the East River.”