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The finger on the invisible hand

British Unable to Deal with Terror

Sunday, July 31, 2005

(SNN London) After a massive manhunt, the suspected July 21st bombers have been apprehended. However, it looks as if there may be a third terror cell in London, planning to attack again. During all of this, the British remain calm and go about business, leaving the rest of the world to wonder what they are thinking.

they don’t have any respect for terrorists at all.

It’s like they don’t have any respect for terrorists at all. The full extent of what the average British citizen is doing in anticipation of new terror attacks is going down to the pub and complaining that they might have to spend another night in the city. While there has been an increased amount of police presence, the London police are completely unprepared. Of the more than 6000 police patrolling London last Thursday in the largest security exercise since World War II, half of them were forced to go unarmed.

Even the most pessimistic British just see the thought of more terrorists as a job to be done. A member of Scotland Yard’s firearms unit, which captured three of the suspected suicide bombers in two raids in west London, said “What we did on Friday was just the tip of the iceberg. There is some big stuff coming in the next few months. There’s a big network that’s got to be cracked.”

Friday was just the tip of the iceberg.

Lizzy Morris works in the city as an executive assistant and tea lady. What asked if she was afraid of another incident she told us, “Well, I went round to my grams the other day, and she said that it was nothing like the Blitz. She says that they had to huddle underground in the dark, and a lot more people died. If she was able to get though, I think I can make it. She’s like ninety. Sure, you know, it’s like sad that some people were hurt. But last time they closed the tube, I snuck back into the office, on account of all the hotels were full, and I hooked up with that cute Rob from accounting. We did it right on Mr. Lewellen’s desk. Wait, you’re not going to print this, are you?”

It’s like the British are not serious about being afraid. If they refuse to empower the terrorists through their blind fear and panic, the terrorists may loose interest in them completely.


Frist Ponders the Meaning of Life

Saturday, July 30, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn) announced that he would support legislation allowing the federal government to finance backing of stem cell research, breaking position with President Bush.

Frist has often been seen as someone who would never break step with the Republican position.

Frist’s announcement was given during a speech to the Senate. This surprised many as Frist has often been seen as someone who would never break step with the Republican position. "The limitations put in place in 2001 will, over time, slow our ability to bring potential new treatments for certain diseases," Frist said. "Therefore, I believe the president's policy should be modified." Frist said he would back legislation allowing the government to fund research using embryonic stem cells no matter when they were created.

This sudden change of position has led many to speculate that perhaps one of Frist’s loved ones or maybe Frist himself has recently been diagnosed with some sort of disease for which stem cells may someday create a cure. Others think that perhaps Frist has decided to adopt a more moderate and widely accepted view in taking a shot at the 2008 presidential race.

Frist said he would back legislation allowing the government to fund research

However, NewsBlog 5000 has obtained some exclusive insight into the man named Bill Frist that we will now share with you. These excerpts are believed to be from Frist’s diary, which were obtained by NewsBlog 5000 consultants. The following passage clearly shows the mind of a man with doubts.

How could I have been so wrong about Terry Schiavo? She looked aware to me. I even said it in front of Congress. Wow, that was dumb. What if I’m wrong about a lot of things that I think I’m right about. I mean, that one time I told that guy he could get AIDS from tears. What was I thinking? What if a lot of things I thing about are wrong? What if cat is really spelled D-O-G? Did CCR really sing ‘there’s a bathroom on the right’? What if W. is really not all that bright? And what about that whole stem cell thing. All the religious conservatives say it is wrong, but a majority of the American people say it’s ok and may even be helpful. I’m a doctor. Shouldn’t I have my own opinion? What if those guys really don’t know what God’s thinking? What if there is no God? And if there is a God, who are they to know his mind. What if God was spelled D-O-G? And if a majority of the American people wants something, as their representative, shouldn’t I vote for them instead of pandering to the interests of religious extremists? And for that matter, where were all those weapons of mass destruction? This is just too heavy. I think I’m going to go smoke some weed and watch cartoons.


Memory Problems Continue to Plague Federal Government

Friday, July 29, 2005

(SNN Washington) Panic grows among congressmen and administration members alike as a growing mental epidemic sweeps through Washington. Many fear that if they catch the disease they will be unable to effectively govern.

Bolton is an upstanding, aboveboard citizen who would never attempt to mislead congress

Not long after John Roberts forgot that he had belonged to the Federalist Society, a new shock hit Washington. John Bolton, President Bush’s nominee for the post of United Nations Ambassador, forgot that he went before the joint State Department - CIA probe into the US government’s use of forged Niger papers.

Fortunately for Bolton, who is an upstanding, aboveboard citizen who would never attempt to mislead congress, the problem is being corrected. “When Mr. Bolton completed the forms during the confirmation process, he did not recall being interviewed by the State Department's inspector general. Therefore his form as submitted was inaccurate. He will correct it," State Department spokesman Noel Clay said.

The question remains, what is causing this horrible malady? Some say that President Bush may be a carrier of some sort of degenerative brain disease, which would not affect him but spread through randomly kissing friends and supporters, as he is apt to do. Others say that many in our government have fallen to the methamphetamine epidemic that has swept through our country. But for now, despite the efforts of our best scientists, no one knows for sure.

It was once being theorized that the plague of mental illness was only striking Bush nominees, which would make the malady much easier to isolate, unfortunately, early yesterday morning, it struck the House of Representatives.

Rep. Charles Taylor (R-NC) was sure that he had voted against the Central American Free Trade Agreement. He believed it so adamantly, that he even released a statement to the press about it. “I voted NO on the Dominican Republic-Central America Free Trade Agreement (DR-CAFTA) in the vote last night. I informed the Majority Leader and the Appropriations Chairman I was voting no, as I had informed my constituents I was voting no. Rep. Howard Coble and I voted "no" together,” said Rep. Taylor.

Fortunately, Rep. Charles Taylor, whose is known throughout the world for his stylish basketball shoes, was able to go back and have the House Clerk record the vote against the wishes of his party whip after his vote no longer mattered.


CAFTA Supporters Enjoy Narrow Passage

Thursday, July 28, 2005

(SNN Washington) A house divided voted early Thursday to approve the controversial Central American Free Trade Agreement, handing President Bush a major economic victory after intense last minute negotiations. The Senate had approved the trade agreement last fall, but the House, plagued by congressmen that were not as readily bought, was a struggle.

The Senate had approved the trade agreement last fall

The Central American pact would eliminate tariffs on 80 percent of U.S. exports to Costa Rica, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua and the Dominican Republic. Bush and GOP lawmakers said the measure would guarantee a level playing field in trade by increasing exports to the region. However, many believe that the measure will just create a trade deficit. For instance, it is estimated that the money that Sammy Sosa sends home to his family is greater than the amount of products that the Dominican Republic imports from the United States.

Not only did the vote go past midnight, but Republicans held the vote open for an hour (instead of the usual fifteen minutes). In the end, the bill was ratified, 217-215. This has lead many to theorize that in the future, House votes will be decided by who can stay up the latest and refrain from going to the bathroom, endangering the voting record of many senior Congressmen.

In the future, House votes will be decided by who can stay up the latest and refrain from going to the bathroom

While the bill was widely regarded as a partisan effort, it should be noted that 25 of the 215 Representatives that voted against the bill were Republicans. "CAFTA is NAFTA's ugly cousin," said Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.), referring to the North American Free Trade Agreement adopted during the Clinton administration.

Farmers, unicorns and environmental groups say that the agreement will drive small producers off their land. Some Central American detractors point towards the effect of NAFTA on Mexico. While Count Chocula is more available and manufacturing plants have opened there, farmers, unable to compete, have been driven to cities to look for work, usually Los Angeles and Houston.


Global War on Terror Coming to an End

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

(SNN Washington) Very soon, you will no longer be hearing about the Global War on Terror. The term is slowly being replaced by names such as "a global struggle against violent extremism".

If you call it a war, then you think of people in uniform as being the solution.

General Richard Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told the National Press Club on Monday that he had "objected to the use of the term 'war on terrorism' before, because if you call it a war, then you think of people in uniform as being the solution." It can only be assumed that the General is referring to the huge number of civilian mercenaries that have been fighting in Iraq under titles such as “Security Consultants” and the thugs and criminals that work for our warlord allies in Afghanistan.

"The president then said we were going to use all the means of national power and influence to defeat this enemy," Pentagon Spokesman Larry Di Rita said. "We must continue to be more expansive than what the public is understandably focused on now: the military actions in Afghanistan and Iraq."

This is not the first time that the name of the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism has been changed.

This is not the first time that the name of the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism has been changed. An early version of the same slogan “The War Against Terror” was rejected to an unfortunate acronym. Another slogan “Fight the Future” was rejected because it was later found to be the title of an X-Files movie.

As the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan stretch on, the Bush administration wishes to remind citizens that the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism is more than just a military exercise. "It is more than just a military war on terror," said Steven Hadley, the national security adviser. "It's broader than that. It's a global struggle against extremism. We need to dispute both the gloomy vision and offer a positive alternative."

The American people are growing increasingly pessimistic about the Iraq war. By stressing to the public that the effort is not only military, the administration wants to reassure the American public that when all avenues of war have been exhausted, then there is a time for diplomacy.


Afghan Riot after Roundup

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

(SNN Bagram) Today, more than 1000 Afghans tried to break down the gates of a U.S. base. Afghan troops fired into the air and beat back the mob with clubs.

It is not immediately clear if there were any casualties

It is not immediately clear if there were any casualties in the melee outside the base’s main gate. Protesters shouted “Die America!” and burned tires. An AP reporter was hit with a stone and an AP photographer was punched in the stomach. Eyewitnesses say that American troops also fired warning shots at the crowd, although the military denies it.

Tensions are high, as the weather stays in the high nineties. Apparently, the local community was enraged when they heard that U.S. soldiers had ice cream and were not going to share. "We have supported the Americans for years. We should be treated with dignity," said local resident Shah Aghar.

Protesters shouted “Die America!”

The protestors believe that Americans should have consulted authorities before rounding up all frozen confectionaries during a manhunt for four "dangerous enemy combatants". They are breaking into our houses and offending our fudgesicles. We are very angry," said another local resident.

Correspondents say it was the biggest protest in the country since 16 people were killed and scores injured in the “Diet Pepsi with Lime” demonstrations in May.


Roberts Suffers from Dangerous Memory Lapses

Monday, July 25, 2005

(SNN Washington) Supreme Court nominee John Roberts Jr. has repeatedly said that he did not belong to the conservative network of lawyers known as the Federalist Society. Interestingly enough, he was listed as a member of their steering committee in their 1998 leadership directory.

A copy of the Federalist Society Lawyers' Division Leadership Directory, 1997-1998 lists Roberts, then a partner at the law firm Hogan & Hartson, as a member of the steering committee of the organization's Washington chapter and includes his firm's address and telephone number.

This lapse of memory could signify a problem for Roberts. For consistency, it is important for a member of the Supreme Court to remember cases that the Supreme Court has decided upon, especially if, for instance, they had written something in reference to the case.

This lapse of memory could signify a problem for Roberts.

However, many say that the memory loss could actually benefit Roberts, as the society's alignment with conservative GOP politics and public policy makes Roberts's relationship with the organization a potentially sensitive point for his confirmation process. Many Democrats regard the organization's goal of burning Democrats at the stake with suspicion. The organization is, however, supported by Joe Lieberman.

Whether this helps or hurts Roberts, it is apparent that his has suffered some sort of head trauma. Perhaps he banged a gavel with a little too much vigor, and it rebounded, crushing his frontal lobe. Perhaps he stood too close to an exploding mountain. Or perhaps something unspeakable (such as a UFIA) happened to him during one of the meetings of the Federalist Society, which he may or may not have attended, forcing him to block out memories of the organization. These are all completely plausible scenarios. It is not at all possible that this man, chosen to the highest court in the land, could be lying.


Americans Unwilling to Accept Arabic Professionals

Sunday, July 24, 2005

(SNN Stamford) World Wrestling Entertainment has announced that it will no longer feature Muhammed Hassan on its “Smackdown!” program due to complaints about an episode that aired the day of the London Bombings.

During the episode, on UPN, five Hassan henchmen in ski masks and camouflage ran into the ring to beat up his rival, who had defeated Hassan's sidekick. The men then carried Hassan's sidekick over their heads, which to some evoked a martyr's funeral. Hassan is still scheduled to appear in a pay per view event this weekend, but beyond that, his future is unknown, and he will be taking a leave of absence from “Smackdown!”

Hassan is a Detroit native who believes that he is treated differently after the September 11th attacks. "The whole point of the story line and this character was to point out the injustices Arab-Americans have suffered since 9-11," Davis said. And he honestly thought the best way to do this was to recruit a group of henchmen in ski masks and camouflage.

Some people drew the conclusion these people were terrorists even though they were not terrorists.

A WWE spokesman said that just because an Arabic man walks around with a group of camouflaged thugs in ski masks, it is unfairly assumed that he is a terrorist. "This was an unfortunate sequence of events," he said. "Some people drew the conclusion these people were terrorists even though they were not terrorists."

This parallels a similar story of the man who was WWF world champion from December of 1983 to January of 1984, the Iron Sheik. Just a few years removed from the Iranian hostages being released, Americans were not ready for an Iranian Heavyweight champion. Iron Sheik also put off wrestling fans because he brought a picture of Ayatollah Homeni to the ring with him out of pride for his homeland. Iron Sheik was defeated by Hulk Hogan and was never truly accepted by American fans. Now, no longer able to enjoy the freedoms of the American way of life, the Iron Sheik is forced to wrestle in Canada.


Irish Takeover to be Quiet

Saturday, July 23, 2005

(SNN Dublin) Under a new treaty with Ireland, CIA agents will be able to remove sovereignty from the Irish Government. The transition of power is expected to go quietly and smoothly.

Ireland and the US pledged mutual co-operation in the investigation of criminal activity

In the treaty signed last week, Ireland and the US pledged mutual co-operation in the investigation of criminal activity, making Ireland a cooperating member in the War on Terror. Justice Minister Michael McDowell said "the international community must do everything it can to combat terrorism with every means at its disposal.”

The Irish Council for Civil Liberties called the treaty "an appalling signal of how the rights of Irish citizens are considered by the minister when engaging in international relations". The ICCL takes offense at provisions in the treaty that would allow CIA agents to secretly investigate Irish Citizens, take them into US Custody, and in extreme cases, drag them out into the street and kill them. ICCL director Aisling Reidy said: "An extraordinary aspect to this treaty is, despite its scope and its potential to violate basic constitutional and human rights, that all this happened without debate or transparency.”

The treaty would allow CIA agents to secretly investigate Irish Citizens

The person who can authorize these operations is Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Gonzales has started an investigation against several high ranking members of government and announced that he will make a bid for Ireland’s presidency. “I'm here to tell you that you are not alone, that the American people are very much with you,” Gonzales said in a recent speech.

But, many people fear that the Irish people will not easily role over and accept US rule and point to no long term plans to fight a possible insurgency. When asked of possible implications of long term resistance to the takeover, Donald Rumsfeld said, "it could last, you know, six days, six weeks. I doubt six months."


Old Hippie Terminated

Friday, July 22, 2005

(SNN Houston) Oak Forest Elementary School fired 79 year old hippie crossing guard, Frances Light, for refusing to take a drug test.

The useless hippie refused a random drug screening, which in the eyes of the school district constituted a positive. "It hit me the wrong way. I'm old, old-fashioned,” the old crack head said.

The useless hippie refused a random drug screening

The pill popper Light expected special treatment because he had been with the District for 16 years. "I got to think as long as people know me, long as I've been doing this, then they want me to take a drug test kind of made me mad," he continued.

So now Houston elementary students can feel safe that they are kept safe from the acid dropping madman. Parents said they would miss Light's presence at the school intersection, where they were probably buying meth from him.


Harry Potter Bad for Children

Thursday, July 21, 2005

(SNN) The news is barely settled down over Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. The book has broken all kinds of records for sales, but the question remains is it suitable for children? In my opinion it is not. The following review contains some information from the books, so you may want to read the book first, however I do not suggest it.

The writing in this sixth installment of Harry Potter is abysmal

The writing in this sixth installment of Harry Potter is abysmal, the plot is puerile, and the situations absurd and nonsensical. I was amazed at how many mistakes the author made in writing the story. Do they not even have simple spell checkers at their publishing house?

Most of the scenes seemed gratuitous and unnecessary. Do we really need a three page description of Hermione’s breasts? Do we have to know about sex lives of house elves? Does the book have to spend fifty pages describing how Harry has sex with every member of the Weasley family, as well as nearly every female instructor at Horwarts?

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is no more than a cheap piece of pornography aimed at the youth market. This is not only irresponsible but damaging to the development of young people. Nearly everything in this book is offensive, from the Dursley’s incestuous relationship to the celebratory coed showers after Quidditch matches.

Adrian Chevelle, Senior Entertainment Editor

Update 1:
It turns out that Mr. Chevelle did not in fact read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, but a disguised piece of fan fiction entitled “Harry Potter and the Half Buggered Prince”.


Iraq’s Constitution Shaping up.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

(SNN Baghdad) Iraq’s constitution seems to be shaping up, and should be delivered by the deadline of August 15th despite Sunni Muslim members on Iraq’s constitutional committee suspending their participation Wednesday, sighting security concerns.

Sunni members point to the massive amounts of death threats

While some say that additional security is unnecessary, Sunni members point to the massive amounts of death threats they have received. Additionally, the brutal assassinations of Sunni committee members Mijbil Issa and Dhamin Hussein may have played some small part in their uneasiness.

It gives women all rights and freedoms as long as they don't contradict with our values

Mariam al-Rayyes, a female Shiite member of the committee wanted to calm people’s doubts on the subject of women’s rights. "It gives women all rights and freedoms as long as they don't contradict with our values," al-Rayyes said. "Concerning marriage, inheritance and divorce, this is civil status laws. That should not contradict with religious values." Basically, the Iraqi constitution will afford women all the rights allowed them under Islamic law, which ranks women as more important than some domesticated animals.

Iraq is also making headway in the field of foreign relations. They are planning to bury the hatchet with their longtime foes Iran. Iranian President Mohamed Khatami yesterday hailed a “turning point” in relations with Baghdad as Iraqi Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari made a historic visit to Tehran aimed at strengthening ties after decades of enmity. In the next two years, the two countries are planned to merge into one larger country named Inaq. Then they will be sued by Steve Jobs.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005


Bush Nominates Some Conservative Guy

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

(SNN Washington) President Bush named federal appeals court judge John G. Roberts Jr. to a seat on the Supreme Court today.

It’s easy to see why the President chose John Roberts. He has made statements against freedom of speech, environmental protection, and civil rights. And he has submitted a brief to the Supreme Court arguing that Roe v. Wade was incorrectly decided. The multimillionaire believes firmly for the protection of corporations against the complaints of annoying citizens, which he rustically refers to as “peasants”. Roberts brings a wealth of experience to the Supreme Court: he has been a judge for almost two years.

In brief remarks, Roberts said it "is both an honor and very humbling to be nominated to serve on the Supreme Court." He said he has argued numerous cases before the high court during his career, adding, "I always got a lump in my throat whenever I walked up those marble steps to argue a case before the court, and I don't think it was just from the nerves." This has led many commentators to believe that Roberts may have sodomized David Souter.

Republicans seemed pleased with the nomination. Sen. Jeff Sessions of Alabama called him a "fabulous nominee" and predicted that if confirmed, he would "bring a nonpolitical approach to judging." Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Pa., the country’s leading asshole, called Roberts "brilliant". Karl Rove was seen doing a little dance, but this may have been because no one was talking about him.

Republicans seemed pleased with the nomination. Karl Rove was seen doing a little dance.

Meanwhile Democrats were of mixed views. "The president has chosen someone with suitable legal credentials, but that is not the end of our inquiry," said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada. "Who knows about this guy?" said Sen. Tom Harkin D-Iowa.

In Sen. Harkin’s defense, we probably should have asked someone on the Judiciary Committee instead of the ranking member of the Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry Committee. Honestly, about 15 minutes ago, we didn’t know jack about this guy either.

In addition to his judicial experience, John Roberts played Darren on Bewitched, has a wonderful singing voice and enjoys blowing up mountains.


Rehnquist will Decide Departure

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

(SNN London) By now, most people know that Chief Justice William Rehnquist has put an end to the wave of speculation on his retirement. What most people do not know is that Rehnquist will be the one to not only decide his departure from the high court, but also from the mortal coil.

Rehnquist has put an end to the wave of speculation on his retirement

Some blame Rehnquist for the speculation on his retirement. Earlier this year when asked about his retirement by a reporter, Rehnquist told him, "That's for me to know and you to find out."

What most people don’t know is that according to a high ranking anonymous source Rehnquist has entered into a deal with a Mantus Pissuart, a self styled voodoo priest living in London.

They come to me because I get results

"They come to me because I get results," says the 80 year old priest, who came to England from Africa 47 years ago. According to Pissuart, he preformed a ceremony in which he cut Rehnquist with a knife, beat him with a belt and shoe, and rubbed Chili oil in the Chief Justice’s eyes. According to Pissuart, Rehnquist felt much better after the ceremony.

According to Pissuart, while Rehnquist may remain sick, he will not die until he decides that it is time, or he is attacked by 5 black roosters. Rehnquist contacted Pissuart after he helped John Paul Stevens relieve himself of evil spirits.


Maxim Obscene

Monday, July 18, 2005

(SNN Miami) Corrections officials in Miami say Andrew Calderon violated his probation when he viewed the “sexually stimulating” material in Maxim Magazine.

Calderon was on probation for sexually assaulting a mentally disabled relative. Corrections officials say they will leave it to judges to ultimately decide whether something is obscene -- and whether an offender must go to prison over it. Calderon’s lawyer believes the magazine is far from obscene.

For those of you not familiar with magazines such as Maxim, they basically provide a niche for teenagers, men who do not like pornography but enjoy the banality of the writing in pornographic magazines, or men who are able to masturbate without seeing a cervix. The pages not dedicated to barely fig leafed women contain various articles and pop culture references to keep the reader interested when in places where masturbation would be embarrassing.

Basically, Calderon’s probation officers are afraid that when Calderon looks at scantily clad pictures of Paris Hilton, Daisy Fuentes and Jessica Simpson, he may be fantasizing about having sex with the mentally disabled.


Smiting Goes Awry

Sunday, July 17, 2005

(SNN Colorado) Prosecutors have asked the U.S. Supreme Court to review a case in which a convicted murderer’s death sentence was overturned. The sentence was overturned because jurors consulted the bible during their deliberations.

The sentence was overturned because jurors consulted the bible during their deliberations.

Jurors were asked to decide the fate of Robert Harlan. Harlan used his car to run a cocktail waitress, Rhonda Maloney, off the road. He then raped her at gunpoint. A witness who attempted to help was shot twice by Harlan and remains paralyzed from the waist down.

Some say that the bible use was appropriate, because Harlan’s defense attorney quoted passages about mercy from the bible to justify life without parole over a death sentence, thus including the bible as an acceptable piece of evidence.

However, when the jury deliberated, they came down firmly on the “eye for an eye” side of the bible vs. the more touchy-feely “New Testament”. They decided that God wanted Harlan firmly smote, and probably had just misplaced his lightening bolts. "I still stand firm that whatever happens to him is God's will," said Juror Lana Ochoa.

But once again, God’s will is left undone.

But once again, God’s will is left undone. Because the case was one of capital punishment, the review skipped the standard appeals level and went directly to the Colorado Supreme Court. The DA in the case says the death penalty decision should stand because Harlan’s crimes were “extraordinarily evil”.

The Supreme Court of the United States will decide in October, whether they will hear the case. It is unknown whether they will decide that the “extraordinarily evil” plea is worthy of their time.

This is just one of many recent cases in which religion has been applied to decide court cases. Just recently in Mellings, NY, a man was proclaimed guilty after his jury foreman used a level 16 paladin to detect evil on the defendant. The conviction was later overturned by and appeals court which ruled it improper that the possibility the defendant was lawful evil was not discussed.


Editor’s Note: No Real News Today

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Every once in awhile, we run into a day like this. The headlines are being dominated by Rove and Potter. The Karl Rove thing has already been over reported, even by us, and continues to dominate the headlines. Anyone really interested in Harry Potter is either currently reading the book, or passed out with a nasty headache from reading all night.

I’ll just scan the SNN wire and sum up.

Thousands evacuate Jamaica as Emily approaches.

Well hey, that sucks for Jamaica, but let’s face it, if you’re not fond of hurricanes, maybe an island isn’t the place to settle. Now if Emily was a 500 ton, genetically altered pig bent on destruction, that would be a story.

Bechtel signs deal with Oman firm.

I don’t even know what a Bechtel is. At first I thought it said brothel, but sadly, no news here.

World Series of Poker Down to Three.

Unless there was some sort of massacre, I’m not interested.

Suspected Suicide Bombing kills 4 in Turkey

I’m thinking their suspicions are correct.

Tiger stretches Open lead

At first I thought this might be some sort of cool large cat race, but it turns out that it’s just golf.

Harry Potter Flies off Shelves

It was just metaphoric. For a moment, I thought this guy might be right.

Israel Arrests 26 Palestinians.

Sounds like their MO.

Things are Still tough in Iraq

This stopped being news two years ago.

The French Still hate the British

This stopped being news 900 years ago.

I will keep scanning the wire for happenings, but for now, I’m giving everyone Saturday off, without pay of course.

Ryan Maynard, Editor


Wilson, anatomy of a Liberal

Friday, July 15, 2005

(SNN Washington) Former African ambassador Joseph Wilson stands at the center of a controversy over who in the White House told a journalist about the covert CIA operations of Wilson’s wife, Valerie Plame.

the White House told a journalist about the covert CIA operations

Wilson’s statements about the yellowcake uranium were dishonest. Wilson claims that Bush said that Iraq sought uranium ore from Niger, but Bush actually said that Saddam Hussein sought uranium ore from Africa. There are four countries in Africa that can produce yellowcake, including Gabon, South Africa, and Nambia. Just because the fake report that the Bush administration was using as evidence of the transaction referred to Niger doesn’t mean that they did not have additional fake documents involving Nambia.

But in addition to reporting that the document (later found to be fake) were fake, Wilson acted as a liberal plant during George H.W. Bush’s administration. Wilson did such a good job working for H.W. Bush that it caused senior Bush to praise Wilson for his "courage and tenacity" and his “skillful conduct of our tense dealings with the government of Iraq."

Senior Bush praised Wilson for his "courage and tenacity"

But his deceitful scheming didn’t stop there. When observed by colleagues, Wilson showed no preference for either party. “I had no idea what party he was in," said Peter Teeley, press secretary to senior Bush. “When he was in Baghdad he was recognized, and rightly so, as someone with a lot of courage. There was a lot of admiration for Joe and a lot of respect for the way he carried out his duties for the president and for the United States.” He even hid his true political feelings from the Clinton Administration. “The guy played very much down the middle of the road politically,” said Susan Rice, assistant secretary of state for African affairs in the Clinton administration.

Liberals like Wilson don’t know when to stop. To pull the wool over the eyes of conservatives, he even went as far as to vote twice for George H.W. Bush, vote for George W. Bush and donate $2000 to his 2000 election campaign. We can only be thankful that he has finally shown his colors as a liberal traitor. For, if there was a covert operative in the Wilson household, it was Joseph Wilson.


Skippy Sleeps in a Haunted House

Friday, July 15, 2005

The other day, I overheard Dr. Maynard yelling at Alice Humbees, complaining that she had not actually written a column in some time. I realized that it had been awhile since I had written a Skippy Does It All. So I sat down and thought about some topics that might titillate and inform my readers.

A few days ago, I had heard my hetero life partner Frank talking about a nearby family considering skipping out on their mortgage because their house was haunted. For more information about my relationship with Frank, you can read the original Skippy Does It.

So, after getting the family’s information from Frank, I contacted them and asked if I could investigate their metaphysical problems. At first they were interested, until they learned which publication I worked for, but after a little convincing, they came around.

Matthew and Katie Reynolds live in a classic two story Victorian in an older part of town. They moved in four weeks ago, after Matthew received a mortgage from Frank’s company LenuBanc. From that time they have been experiencing a string of strange happenings.

“We hear doors opening and closing in the dead of night. There are strange smells coming from the basement. I’ve kept telling myself it was nothing, but a week ago, I saw an apparition of a strange woman, walking down the hallway outside our room. The next day, I walked downstairs to find a bowl of a thick sticky red liquid. I haven’t been down there since,” Matthew explained.

I moved into the Reynolds guest room on a Friday evening, because they have told me that the sounds and smells get worse on the weekend. Then it was just a matter of waiting.

Around midnight, I heard the outside door to the basement open and close, so I went down to investigate. As I walked down the basement stairs, the aroma of the basement became overpowering to the point I though I would pass out, I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, and then I saw the strange woman from Matthew’s vision, Alice Humbees.

“You like some borsht, ya?” said a voice behind me.

The voice belonged to Frank’s friend Stan. Stan was the LenuBanc loan officer for the Matthew’s account. In accord with the LenuBanc philosophy, Stan had keys and rights to come and go from the property as he pleased. He had been using the Reynolds’ basement to ferment the beet juice for a special borscht recipe.

“I really like the Reynolds, so I try to keep to myself,” Stan told me. “But I can’t make borscht in my apartment because the neighbors complain of the smell. So I keep my beet juice here and try to be quiet and not bother them.”

Stan admitted that he was quite fond of the Reynolds. “The other day, I standing in dark corner over there. Reynolds come down with a priest and blesses the beet juice. I’ve only seen people do that in the old country. How did they know? From dark corner, I clear my throat to thank them, but priest most have forgotten an appointment, leaves before I can say anything.”

During our conversation, Alice went upstairs to use the bathroom and Stan told her, “Don’t wake up the nice Reynolds again. I don’t like to disturb them.”

James Spippenofsky, Skippy Does It All


London Calling to the US Air Force

Thursday, July 14, 2005

(SNN London) Today, following criticism from British officials, members of the U.S. military will be allowed to once again visit London.

the order to stay out of London was issued soon after the bombings.

At contrast with the British government urging that Londoners get on with their lives and not let themselves be overcome by fear, the order to stay out of London was issued soon after the bombings. The order applied to 10,000 Air Force personnel. The Naval personnel initially had similar orders that were later rescinded.

The order shocked Londoners and British lawmakers, particularly in light of the kind of places the U.S. military is required to go. “I would have hoped our American allies could show a little more courage,” said Andrew Robathan, a Conservative Member of Parliament. The Daily Mail newspaper said in an editorial: “We trust the 4 million Americans who come to London each year are made of sterner stuff than the U.S. Air Force.”

U.S. soldiers can now visit London any time they want.

The order was ignored by at least four adventurous American soldiers who where determined to steal Tony Blair’s hidden cache of gold, reported to be somewhere near St Paul’s Cathedral. Their journeys lead them to unexpected discoveries enabling them to rise to a heroic challenge that drastically changed their lives.

U.S. soldiers can now visit London any time they want. For safety’s sake they are asked to travel in groups, in full combat armor with sidearm, escorted by Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and must hold hands when crossing the street.


Bush Declines to Comment on Rove during Probe

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

(SNN Washington) On Wednesday, President Bush refused to comment on Karl Rove’s involvement in leaking the identity of a CIA operative. "This is a serious investigation," Bush said, with Rove sitting just behind him. "I will be more than happy to comment on this matter once this investigation is complete.

Rove claims that he did not mention Valerie Plame by name

Bush’s comments follow the disclosure that Rove talked about Plame’s connections to the CIA with a Time magazine reporter, Matthew Cooper. Bush said last year that he would fire anyone found to have leaked Plame’s identity.

Liberals have said that the outing of a CIA agent during a time of war is unimaginably despicable. However, this is just the sort of way liberals blow things out of proportion. They say all sorts of things are despicable from torture to napalming civilians, so it is no surprise that liberals once again choose to spin the broken record of “outrage”.

Rove claims that he did not mention Valerie Plame by name, but instead used the phrase, “Joe Wilson’s Wife”, gave Cooper her initials, address and phone number and sent him a fax of a partially completed game of hangman.

When the president was asked about how Karl was handling the probe, Bush said, “Well, he did suggest it. Oh, you mean the investigation?”


Quit Sending me this Depressing Crap

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

There is a problem with people in this country sending inappropriate emails. This has just happened to me, and I thought I would share my experience.

I was sitting down at my desk to to a freshly made Pork Loin Viletta and I decided to check my email as I enjoyed my roast pork loin & Gouda cheese, with grilled Portobello mushrooms.

I open my email and what do I find but a bunch of pictures of children starving in Africa. I looked at image after image of dying women and children. How dare someone send me this during the lunch hour? I was completely put off my lunch, which cost me $28. Some people are just so insensitive.

Adrian Chevelle, Opinions


Housing Prices Continue to Increase

Monday, July 11, 2005

(SNN West Palm Beach) As housing prices continue to increase across the nation, home ownership has become nothing but a dream for the middle class.

markets throughout the country have become unaffordable for the majority of the population

"Many of the overheated real estate markets throughout the country have become unaffordable for the majority of the population," said Jack McCabe, a housing industry analyst. "Many people are paying well over 50 percent of their income for shelter. It leaves no money for savings or sometimes even for recreation."

Real estate experts warn that housing prices in many markets are too quickly outpacing the incomes of most workers. The widening gap affects families across the country.

The widening gap affects families across the country.

A single bedroom home of 500 square feet in California now sells for twenty seven million dollars. This is higher than most people can afford. "It's really, really tough for the first-time buyer," said Leslie Appleton-Young, the chief economist for the California Association of Realtors. This has led to many first time buyers looking at houses that are dilapidated, abandoned, or in extreme cases, on fire.

Many first time buyers are also shocked by hidden costs of home ownership. Henry Deamos recently purchased a home for $156,000. The 1200 square foot ranch had fallen 30 feet into a sink hole. “It was a little difficult adjusting at first, but once I lived there for a couple weeks and purchased an extension ladder, things started going more smoothly.


Ahmadinejad Recognized as Perfect Stranger

Sunday, July 10, 2005

(SNN Tehran) Iran’s President-elect Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continues to be a figure of extreme controversy. Now, allegations have spread that he may have been involved in a dark chapter in America’s history, a 1980s sitcom.

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the allegations should be taken seriously. "I think the news reports and statements from several former American hostages raise many questions about his past," he said. "We take them very seriously and we are looking into them to better understand the facts." The Bush administration has already disparaged Iran’s election as “in the hands of an unelected few that have retained power through an electoral process that ignores the basic requirements of democracy.”

Iran seems generally unconcerned on the status of their elected leader. Oh, Thursday, Baker Sakhai, the Iranian ambassador to Tunisia, said that these newest allegations where just the next stage in the West’s campaign of hostility against Iran. In addition, three Iranians involved in the show, as well as Mr Ahmadinejad's own staff, have denied that he took part.

three Iranians involved in the show, as well as Mr Ahmadinejad's own staff, have denied that he took part.

Long a linchpin of ABC’s TGIF, Perfect Strangers was a showcase of Ahmadinejad’s slapstick comedy. Balki (Ahmadinejad) was a young shepherd from the Isle of Mypos in the Mediterranean, who moved to Chicago to live with his American cousin. Full-blown comedic genius ensued as Balki tried to come to terms with American life.

Ahmadinejad is a former Islamic Revolutionary Guard commander, unabashedly conservative and loyal to Iran's Supreme leader Ayat Allah Ali Khamenei. Ahmadinejad has slammed the United Nations as "one-sided, stacked against the world of Islam" and called the United States the “land of the free, home of the Whopper."

Many say that President Bush’s pleas to the Iranian people to elect a more moderate President were what pushed the country to elect the hardliner. However, some say that it was his clever campaign slogan: "If elected, I promise to be firm yet flexible, tough yet vulnerable, soft yet absorbent."


Things Still Tough for Workers

Saturday, July 09, 2005

(SNN Trenton) Despite good labor numbers in June, many American workers still feel underemployed, as they are forced to take jobs below their old salary level.

Many American workers still feel underemployed

The unemployment rate dropped to 5 percent in June, down from 5.1 percent in May. This marks the lowest unemployment has been since September, 2001. The jobless rate hit 6.3 percent at its peak. "A lean, mean jobs machine this economy is not," said Joel Naroff, president of Naroff Economic Advisors. "But jobs are being created and the unemployment rate is falling so you really cannot complain too much."

Ken Dwiter was appointed CIO of Hemplosor, the world’s largest online head shop.

But many believe they are underemployed. In 1998, Ken Dwiter was appointed CIO of Hemplosor, the world’s largest online head shop. Now Ken takes customer service calls for a cell phone company. Ken, once a mild mannered hippie, has found his calm harshed by phone customer service. “People are just so stupid,” Ken says. “They call me up with all these dumb problems all day. I wish they’d just die. I’m like, ‘Dude, when I was on top, I could have bought and sold your ass.’ Like I give a shit about your roaming charges. Get a better package, moron”

It was announced yesterday that Harrison Ford, Moby and Jason Alexander would be working for UPS, delivering packages sent by When some of the once highest paid celebrities in the world are now delivering packages, it is a sign that the economy is still struggling.


Greens Fees hit Record High

Friday, July 08, 2005

(SNN Austin) A Kansas energy company has admitted that it had to pay $25,000 for a golf outing with U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay. The company was trying to influence pending energy legislation.

Westar gave $25,000 for a golf outing with Tom DeLay.

The provision Westar Energy sought was included in a House bill with DeLay's support, but it was later withdrawn after a grand jury began investigating corporate fund-raising during the state's 2002 legislative races.

Some say that high greens fees are immaterial as long it is obvious that the owner/operator is concerned about the quality of their course. But others say that greens fees are basically supply and demand and that if golfers would make even a token protest against outrageous fees, some headway could be made.

The company was trying to influence pending energy legislation.

We asked golfer Monty Standon-Rich his opinion. Standon-Rich believes that it is more a real estate problem. “ In any area where people will pay half a million dollars for an average house on a 1/4 acre lot, golf courses are in trouble. A $20/round course can't take in enough money to be competitive with developers willing to offer a premium for the land to turn it into houses.”

Update 1:
It was not in fact the greens fees that cost Westar Energy $25,000. The $25,000 was in fact the price of a meeting with Tom DeLay.


Stepping on Excrement in Norway

Friday, July 08, 2005

(SNN Oslo) Officials at the waterfall Voringfossen, on the road between Bergen and Oslo have set up a special website for public urinaters.

Too many people are using the woods as a toilet

"Too many people are using the woods as a toilet," says Lise Nilsen, Voringfossen’s webmaster. That means other people "are stepping on excrement and the trails stink of urine," Nilsen said. "Something had to be done."

Several thousand tourists come to a place in the middle of nowhere (or at least Oslo and Bergen) to view thousands of gallons of rushing water every day. The local cafeteria provides one public restroom. Authorities recognized there was a problem and took immediate action. They put up a sign asking tourists to use the public toilet.

Tourism officials in Norway are not happy.

Tourism officials in Norway are not happy. "This is an unacceptable approach to the problem of a lack of sanitary facilities," said Nina Broch Mathisen, of Innovasjon Norge's office in Hordaland. "I've never seen anything like this, and I think the photos should be removed. It's destructive for tourism in (the area)."

But not everyone agrees with Innovasjon Norge's office in Hordaland. One local man Synlig Oksekjott enjoys the new service. “I had not been to the waterfalls for years. Now that they take your picture while urinating, I have been there three times.” Unfortunately for Oksekjott, they have not used his pictures on the website, as he always faces the camera.

It is still not known if this new, radical attempt to stem the tide of urine will be successful. But it is hoped that the incidences will slow to a trickle. Voringfossen officials are hoping for a positive result so they can move on to address the rampant public masturbation and sodomy problem.


Central London Attacked

Thursday, July 07, 2005

(SNN London) The death toll has risen to 37 in today’s attack on London. Thirty five were killed in attacks on underground trains and another two were killed in the explosion of a double-decker bus. In addition to the death, at least 45 patients were seriously injured and over 700 people reported some type of injury.

Tony Blair took time out from the G8 summit in Scotland to address the bombings.

Tony Blair took time out from the G8 summit in Scotland to address the bombings. "They are trying to use the slaughter of innocent people to cow us, to frighten us out of doing the things that we want to do," he said in a televised statement from Downing Street. Mr. Blair added that he believed the “vast and overwhelming majority” of Muslims are “decent and law-abiding people”. It was only the ones that blow up with which he takes offense.

The London commuter system will be shut down until at least Friday

Hundreds of thousands of commuters faced difficult journeys home from London on Thursday night after a day of travel chaos. The London commuter system will be shut down until at least Friday and could be shut down longer. In addition mobile phones have been jammed due to intense call volume as people attempted to contact relatives and friends.

Early reports had suggested a power surge could be to blame for explosions on the Underground but this was later discounted. A previously unknown group calling itself the Secret Organisation Group of al-Qaeda of Jihad Organisation as taken responsibility for the bombing, but there is still a massive intelligence gathering operation under way to determine if the are in fact the perpetrators of the attacks. Sources at Whitehall have also said that a possible Yeti or Cyberman invasion may be to blame.


Snow White is ready to Kick Ass

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

(SNN Beijing) The classic children’s tale Snow White is about to be remade. This time Snow White will be a martial arts epic replacing the 7 dwarves with Shaolin Monks. The remake is going to be remade by none other than Walt Disney.

Snow White will be a martial arts epic

Some executives at the Walt Disney Company did not believe that the 1937 animated classic had driven the original Grimm Brothers fairytale deeply enough into the ground and they decided that the tale would be perfect for making inroads into the Chinese animation market. The Chinese animation market exploded after animators were laid off by the Disney company, which has started using computer animation.

Mary Poppins which will feature a cyborg maid with large breasts

The new Snow White is but the first of Disney remakes for the Asian market. Others included Mary Poppins which will feature a cyborg maid with large breasts who finds true love despite her mechanized anatomy, the Little Mermaid will be replaced by a genetically altered amphibious assault clone with vampire like teeth and a taste for human flesh, and The Absent Minded Professor will be shot in the first scene of a film featuring two child assassins fighting for the secret of flying rubber.

When asked how it felt to be removed from his soul, one Disney executive said, “It hurts at first, but then the ideas just start flowing and you forget about everything else.”


Bush: STFU and STFD

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

(SNN Washington) Reuters reports that the USA Today reported that President Bush said special interest groups should turn down heated rhetoric on his choice of a Supreme Court nominee.

Specifically, many conservative groups have complained that President Bush’s Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, is too moderate. Considering that Gonzales is for the elimination of the Geneva Convention, the expansion of the Patriot Act, ignoring international law, and has worked to hide the details of the Vice President’s secret meetings with energy companies, it leaves one to wonder exactly who would be conservative enough.

Bush told conservative groups that "Al Gonzales is a great friend of mine." Bush went on to say, "When a friend gets attacked, I don't like it." This should come as no surprise to a conservative constituent that appreciates Bush’s ability to ignore polls, international convention, international law, intelligence analysis, and common sense, and make a decision that he feels is correct despite the criticism of experts, skilled military commanders, the law, and people much, much smarter than him.

Alberto Gonzales is too moderate.

Bush said that he was considering a number of candidates and had not yet picked a group of finalists, but stressed that at least one of them may already be a winner. However, Bush has said he admires Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, Niccolo Machiavelli, and Roy Bean.

Bush did want to assure the American people that he would pick a judge that will "strictly interpret the Constitution" and "not use the bench to write social policy.” While Bush admits that he has not actually read the Constitution, he believes that he has the gist of it. Specifically, he is looking for a judge that will defend the anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, and big brother elements of the constitution as well as the Ten Commandments on which it was based and the section that says “Under God” must be in the pledge and required in schools.


Women Drivers Cause Rape

Monday, July 04, 2005

(SNN Riyadh) On June 17th on Al-Majd TV, Saudi Cleric Dr. Abd Al-‘Aziz Al-Fawzan revealed that he had discovered the real reason why women are raped. It turns out that rape is caused by woman drivers.

Rape is caused by woman drivers.

Dr. Fawzan started his statement with a simple logical argument, “In conservative countries like Saudi Arabia – this blessed Kingdom of Saudi Arabia – which, Allah be praised, is the most conservative in the Muslim world, in which a woman maintains her honor, decency, and modesty – and she does not reveal anything – not her hands, her face, or anything – how can she drive a car?”

The cleric held heavy criticism for those that would let women drive, “They want to destroy society… and they want our society to be like other societies. They want it to be devoid of all values, morals, and modesty. They want women to go out on the streets all made up, like a harlot, with her face uncovered, like they see in the West.”

they want our society to be like other societies.

Then Fawzan drives home his point, “Even though they have permissiveness there, and any man can satisfy his desires outside of marriage… he's not satisfied with ten or twenty. Any girl he sees, who has certain features, he wants. If she consents – fine. If not – he rapes her.”

Dr. Fawzan’s views on driving go against more traditional reasons given for rape in society. In the past short skirts have been blamed as well as human nature, racsim, binge drinking, pornography and liberalism.

It is refreshing that after all these years Dr. Fawzan has been able to pinpoint the causes of rape. It did come as a surprise to many that rape only happened in western cultures. Because of Fawzan’s extensive research into the subject, we can now start a comprehensive rape prevention program in the United States. Due to Fawzan’s discovery, there are currently 3 bills in front of Congress to stop women from driving.


Summer to be Hard on Flyers

Sunday, July 03, 2005

(SNN Washington) Several major delays in airports are only the start of what may be one of the most difficult summers for air travelers. The Transportation Department Inspector General’s office issued a warning that millions of travelers may experience delays this summer.

The Transportation Department Inspector General’s office issued a warning

Airline delays are usually worse in summer because of thunderstorms. Federal Aviation Administration forecasters are predicting a heavy storm season and storms were bad in the Midwest in early June. In addition to thunderstorm problems, delays have increased due to low-cost carrier growth in bigger markets, hub consolidations by the biggest airlines, increased regional jet traffic and a surge in passenger growth.

As many as four percent of travelers may reach their destination

While it is estimated that many travelers will experience delays, there is good news. It is expected that as many as four percent of travelers may reach their destination within a week of scheduled departure.

These delays will be especially hard on airlines. Delays cost airlines more than $6.2 billion in operating expenses in 2004, industry figures show. In addition, many travelers may consider easier alternatives to air travel such as driving, walking or euthanasia.


Karl Rove Fingered

Saturday, July 02, 2005

(SNN Washington) Friday night on the McLaughlin Group, Lawrence O’Donnel, senior MSNBC political analyst claimed to know the name of the source that outed CIA agent Valerie Plame. The source, according to O’Donnell was none other than White House strategist Karl Rove.

Today, O'Donnell went further writing, “"I revealed in yesterdays taping of the McLaughlin Group that Time magazine's e-mails will reveal that Karl Rove was Matt Cooper's source. I have known this for months but didn't want to say it at a time that would risk me getting dragged into the grand jury.”

Rove is in violation of the Intelligence Identities Protection Act

This is a damning accusation and if true could mean that Rove is in violation of the Intelligence Identities Protection Act as well as the Not Committing Treason Act. In addition to these violations, Rove would be labeled a “poop-head” by congressional members of his own party and elementary school children. If he is guilty, Rove could serve as much as 10 years in prison. It has also come into the hands of NewsBlog 5000 reporters that Rove gave away the times and locations that people would be swimming off the coast of Florida to sharks.

If Rove is the one that leaked the information, the path of the Bush administration is clear. Documents pertaining to Rove having access to the information as well as Rove’s itinerary and phone records for the period in which the tips were made will be lost. Rove will accuse liberals of being traitors and then Bush will appoint Rove the next Supreme Court Justice. Then they will invade Syria.


Army Recruiters Make Goals

Friday, July 01, 2005

(SNN Washington) For the first time since January, the Army has met its monthly recruiting goal. The Army exceeded its goal of 5,640 recruits by about 500 people. The army reserve also made its first monthly quota since December.

The Army exceeded its goal of 5,640 recruits by about 500 people.

Recent droops in recruiting figures prompted President Bush to make a plea on Tuesday. "I thank those of you who have re-enlisted in an hour when your country needs you," he said. "And to those watching tonight who are considering a military career, there is no higher calling than service in our armed forces."

Many people believe that the reason recruitment is low is that our young men and women do not want to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan. However, a recent straw poll of college Republicans showed an amazingly high number of long term injuries and ailments, preventing them from joining up.

Detractors also pointed out the new lower standards for recruitment

Others dismiss this success saying that a one month surge will not meet the annual goal which is expected to be off by about 14%. Detractors also pointed out the new lower standards for recruitment and the new $20,000 signing bonus.

The Army now accepts people they never would have just a year ago. They are now taking those who have no high school diploma, no needed skills, and no discernable aptitude for anything. And these recruitment standards are low in all branches. In an extreme case, a Dalmatian named Toby was allowed to join the Navy. When asked about the enlistment, Sec. Donald Rumsfeld said that Toby looked “adorable” in his little sailor suit.