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Bush Unsure about which President he is Most Like

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

(SNN Washington) At the recent West Point graduation ceremonies, President Bush compared himself to Harry Truman. This would seem rather straightforward, but Bush has also compared himself to Franklin Roosevelt, Ronald Reagan, and John Kennedy.

Not everyone enjoys Bush comparing himself to other presidents. During the 2004 election, an interview quoted one person saying, "President Kennedy inspired and united the country and so will John Kerry. President Bush is doing just the opposite. All of us who revere the strength and resolve of President Kennedy will be supporting John Kerry on Election Day." But let's look at it from this perspective, who knows what goes though a president's head better, someone who is a president also, or that president's daughter?

Comparing himself to these presidents might seem surprising to some people, as the Presidents Bush has compared himself to are very different men, who meant different things to different people. Some might even go as far as to say that Bush is simply comparing himself to random presidents in an effort to seem more presidential. However, to some Bush does combine FDR's unpopularity with his party leadership with Truman's unpopularity amongst the American people and Reagan's ideas about giving gold toilets to defense contractors. No one really knows where he gets off comparing himself to Kennedy, barring the unlikely discovery at some later date that he is banging rooms full of models.

Strangely enough, most Americans compare Bush to LBJ, a crazy, swaggering, drunken Texan with a questionable background who started an unwinnable war halfway around the world. Bush has also been compared to Lincoln, Osama bin Laden, Hilter, a drunken fratboy, Toonces (the driving cat), Penis Knievel and that monkey Reagan worked with (pictured above). However, it seems unlikely that he will mention these in any of his speeches.


Now it's Getting Interesting

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Bring it on!

(SNN Graham) If Democrat Representative Brad Miller wins his third term, GOP opponent Vernon Robinson promises "America would be nothing but one big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals."

Robinson has very good reasons for believing this. He points out Miller is "out of the mainstream" because he is childless. In fact, Miller is so anti-family that he allowed his wife to have a hysterectomy just to save her life. Also, Robinson points out that Miller has friends. And friends, Robinson points out, might be gay.

There are many people that think that they can spot a homosexual, and Robinson is one of them. In 2004 he described his GOP opponent Ed Broyhill as "limp wristed". He has also called married war veteran Markos Zuniga Brad Miller's lover. Despite his constant search for homosexuals, it is not known if Robinson has ever scored.

While Miller has spent two terms in the House already and not turned America into a big fiesta for illegal aliens and homosexuals, Robinson believes he can make it this time.

But still the question remains, 'Why does Robinson keep supporting Miller?' Because deep down everyone, especially Robinson, wants a big fiesta full of illegal aliens and homosexuals.


Editor's Note: A Monday in May

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I had meant to post this yesterday, but I got an important piece of correspondence I had to deal with immediately. I always enjoy Memorial Day. It is a chance for me to take the day off and honor America's true heroes, people who support President Bush.

But Memorial Day is more than that. It is a chance to honor those people who have died for our country. This is so much better than Veteran's day, which forces us to honor any veterans who have fought for the United States. This group includes such people as John Murtha, Max Cleland, and John Kerry.

But back to the reason I was not able to post this message yesterday. I have received a letter that has gone around the world five times. It contained a special prayer and told me that if I sent it to ten of my friends, and they sent it to ten of their friends, we would all win the lottery.

Now I know what you're thinking. If we all won the lottery on the same day, we would only get 1/111th of the total pot. But I assume that there is some way to work around this. Maybe we will win on different days, or maybe it will be spread out during the year. Either way, I have instructed those people who received my letters to only say the prayer once the jackpot gets above $111 million.

But the real winners will be you, my readers. With only $250,000 or so left after taxes, I will not be rich enough to quit my job as editor of NewsBlog 5000, or resign my seat on the SNN board. So do not have any fear, you are not going to lose me anytime soon.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Minutemen Installing Fence

Sunday, May 28, 2006

(SNN Palominas) While President Bush is sending National Guard troops to the border, the Minutemen Civil Defense Corps does not think that is enough. They plan to build 10 miles of fence along the 1,951 mile border with Mexico.

A minuteman searches for easy to penetrate spots in the fence. He knows the fence wants it, the little hussy.

The fence will aid people like Rancher Jack Ladd, a presumably real person with a name which might come from some kind of Dickens story. Ladd says that he has spent the last 10 years trying to get the government to build a fence between Mexico and his ranch. Ironically, in 10 years, he probably had plenty of time to build the fence himself. Seriously, he's a rancher. If ranchers can't build fences, what good are they?

The main feature of the fence is that it is very short. It is similar to the kind of fence used on ranches to stop four legged animals, but allow humans to pass. Originally, the Minutemen spoke of building a much taller fence, and even digging a pit in front of the fence. Unfortunately, they discovered their plan was really expensive and would take a lot of work without cheap immigrant labor.

While some have pointed out the fence in Arizona is only waist high, it has features that many waist high fences do not. Each fencepost is topped by a miniature American flag. If Mexicans see the fence from far away, the little flags may make them think that the fence is further away, but much larger. In addition, the Minutemen may be considering making miniature replicas of themselves, to enforce the optical illusion. In addition to warding off Mexicans, this strategy would also prove useful if Headly Lamar were to try to take over their town.

There is a historical precedent for using 3 foot high fences to protect borders. According to legend, Medieval Okinawa was once attacked by the Island of Lilliput. With their Pat Morita style martial arts and very small fence, the Okinawans were able to stand off the Lilliputians. Lilliput gave up on warfare and went on to establish trade relations with all of Southeast Asia. It is theorized that Asians are on average shorter then people in other areas of the world due to interbreeding with the Lilliputians.


Iraqi Minister Backs Iran

Saturday, May 27, 2006

(SNN Washington) After the bitter wars between their two countries, Iran and Iraq have joined forces against a common enemy, the United States. Minister Hoshyar Zebari of Iraq has supported the right of Iran to create nuclear fuel for peaceful purposes.

Iran's foreign minister, Manoucher Mottaki (left), ceded the larger water bottle to Iraq's foreign minister, Hoshiyar Zebari.

This is one of the problems with giving countries sovereignty. When you let them make their own decisions, they sometimes make decisions that you would rather not have them make. In this case, the decision is to back a program which many countries believe is the preamble to a nuclear weapons program.

It has long been argued that the United States is considering war with Iran. However, with Iraq being complicit with Iran's program, and the military of the United States being the main military force in Iraq, the United States will be put in the difficult situation of attacking a country it is rebuilding.

Many say a war with the United States military in Iraq would be devastating to the United States. The United States military will not only be fighting a force of insurgents, but also a United States military that has had time to firmly entrench itself in Iraq. And the US military in Iraq is a veteran force, tempered by years of fighting a brutal guerilla war.

In many ways, the War between US forces in Iraq would be very similar to the American Civil War, which pitted brother against brother. The Civil War cost the United States an unfathomable number of lives, but it did preserve the Union, which is now widely regarded as a bad move.

In this case, the war would be inexplicably fighting the Civil War in a desert halfway around the world. While this does not immediately make sense, it would save the United States from a fortune in property damage. Despite this, it may be useful to burn Atlanta, if for nothing else but for nostalgia.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Makeover Party

Friday, May 26, 2006

Pick any political party. Go to its party headquarters. Bring your own "next customer" number slip preferably from a butcher's shop. Be surprised when someone cuts your hair.


Military Incursion Thwarted by CNN

Thursday, May 25, 2006

(SNN Salt Lake City) Recently, Vicente Fox, President of Mexico, attacked the Southwestern United States. Fortunately, "Lou Dobbs Tonight" caught on and was there to thwart him from his evil plans to take back an area of the Untied States that once belonged to Mexico, known to some white supremacist groups as "Aztlan".

CNN was able to obtain a map from the Council of Conservative Citizens (CCC), who the Southern Poverty Law Center describes as a hate group. And the SPLC has a bit of a point. The CCC has characterized blacks as a "retrograde species" and promoted Neo-Nazi materials. However, the CCC has a positive side. Because they hate all black people, by extension, they hate Michael Jackson.

Some have been demanding an apology by CNN. In a statement, CNN called the incident "regrettable" and blamed the usage of the map on "a freelance field producer in Los Angeles". In other news, Lou Dobbs is now CNN's newest freelance field producer in Los Angeles.

According to "Lou Dobbs Tonight" correspondent Casey Wian, "You could call this the Vicente Fox Aztlan tour, since the three states he'll visit -- Utah, Washington, and California -- are all part of some radical group's vision of the mythical indigenous homeland." This seems a little confusing, as Washington never belonged to Mexico, and even the CCC does not include Washington on its Aztlan map. However, this labeling becomes less confusing if you take into consideration that Wian is an idiot.


Editor's Note: Reactor Will Destroy Earth

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A coalition of seven countries has started a $10 billion experiment to build the International Thermonuclear Experimental Reactor (ITER), a fusion reactor in France. This reactor will probably destroy the entire world.

First of all, I am offended that the $10 billion will not be managed by the United States. We could use the money to repay a small portion of what the Iraq war has cost us. While the reactor might not begin producing energy for 35 years, the $10 billion could be used for corporate energy incentives that could pay off now. Exxon could really use one or two billion dollars right now. And when was the last time we gave a major subsidy to American auto makers? I think that for a couple billion, they could squeeze out a few more miles per gallon.

Building this reactor in France is a blatant disregard of Bill O'Reilly's boycott. Giving France a project this large will rebuild the French economy, which has been in shambles since the boycott was called. We might as well be building this thing in Cuba.

Finally, We don't even know if this reactor will be safe. I predict it will implode and then explode, probably taking most of France with it. In fact, this is the only good part about this plan.

Now, I don't know anything about science, but is seems to me that it is very probable that this reactor, which will burn as hot as the Sun, will shatter the entire earth. This is why I say we abandon the project and spend that $10 billion on clean burning coal.


Official Denies Hastert Investigation

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

(SNN Washington) Despite an ABC news article earlier today, the U.S. Department of Justice denied that Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, is under investigation by the FBI.

Earlier today, ABC News cited an unnamed source inside the Dept. of Justice who said Hastert was under investigation. ABC claimed the investigation was due to a letter Hastert wrote encouraging the Interior Department to block a casino on an Indian reservation. The casino would have competed with casinos of other tribes represented by convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

However later in the day, an official statement from the Justice Department said, "The story is wrong. Hastert is not under investigation." Hastert's press secretary also denied knowledge of the investigation.

But how could a man who was being investigated this afternoon not be under investigation now? The answer is simple, time itself has been changed. Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Doctor Sam Beckett led an elite group of scientists into the desert to develop a top secret project, known as QUANTUM LEAP. Pressured to prove his theories or lose funding, Doctor Beckett, prematurely stepped into the Project Accelerator and vanished.

Beckett awoke to find himself in the past, suffering from partial amnesia and facing a mirror image that was not his own. Fortunately, contact with his own time was made through brainwave transmissions, with Al, the Project Observer, who appeared in the form of a hologram that only Doctor Beckett could see and hear. Trapped in the past, Doctor Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right, that once went wrong and hoping each time, that his next leap will be the leap home.

Beckett no doubt took over the life of Hastert for maybe the afternoon, or maybe the last couple of days. During this time, he changed Hastert's life in a way that will make him a force for good in the world. And by now, Beckett is probably a stage magician in the Poconos.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Million Flipper Baby

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Walk up to a woman pushing a baby in a stroller. Exclaim loudly, "That is the ugliest dolphin I have every seen!" Try to remember the last thing you said when waking up in the emergency room. Do not repeat.


Bill O'Reilly and the Dixie Chicks

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

(SNN New York) Last week, at the Time 100 party, TV and Radio talking head, Bill O'Reilly hit on Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks. In the past, O’Reilly has been extremely critical of the Dixie Chicks.

The Dixie Chicks were at the New York party to perform their new single "Not Ready to Make Nice." Because of their politics, the Dixie Chicks are now forced to perform mainly for the liberal elites of New York.

Maines describes the commentator running up to her after the performance and saying, "Just want to say that was great! I really like that new song." Maines then went on to confront O'Reilly, who has said that her new album "Take the Long Way" will sell poorly due to the politics of the group. Maines then said that O'Reilly backtracked by saying, "We really respect what you did. And we really respect that you stand up for yourself and blah blah blah."

While some may consider O'Reilly's behavior hypocritical, O'Reilly spells out his views on how to treat liberal women differently in his new book, "100 Liberal Women I Would so Bang." In the book, O'Reilly details how it is fine to have sex with liberal women, as long as you refuse to cuddle, and insult them before you leave. The book dedicates an entire chapter to Natalie Maines. Sadly, the remaining members of the Dixie Chicks are forced to share a chapter.


Poor Pay for War on Terror

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

This model of an up-armored Humvee is entirely made of plastic. Plastic Humvees cannot be relied upon in combat situations. However some soldiers get into these plastic deathtraps every day. They are real American heros.

(SNN Washington) Today, the Amnesty International Annual Report on Human Rights was released. AI cited governments that compromise fundamental principles for the "War on Terror".

In presenting the report, the Secretary General said that Government sponsored torture was just as bad as terrorism. "Governments collectively and individually (have) paralyzed international institutions and squandered public resources in pursuit of narrow security interests, sacrificed principles in the name of the 'war on terror'", said Secretary General Irene Khan of AI.

But the biggest bombshell that Khan dropped was the statement that "the heaviest price is being paid by the poor and powerless." She said that an enormous amount of damage was being done to the lives of ordinary people.

Some say this is where Khan goes way off base. No one cares about the poor and the powerless, at least not anyone worth mentioning. And how can the poor pay more than the rich? It’s not just possible. A poor person doesn’t even have the money to buy one our troops one Humvee, and yet they always seem to have money for cigarettes.


Editor's Note: Oops, I Told You So Again (Part 2)

Monday, May 22, 2006

Last week, I was attacked by liberals who wanted to selfishly live beyond the time that had been allotted to them by the almighty. This week, I have been vindicated by one of the most liberal news outlets possible, MSNBC.

The MSNBC article says that whether though genetic manipulation or caloric limits, extending one's live can be dangerous to society. The MSNBC article theorizes about the implications of human beings doubling their lifestyles, and finds the practice morally wanting. Unlike the advantages of the neocon agenda, scientists do not think that extended lifespan will solve world hunger, prevent horrible diseases, or bring about world peace.

Amongst the first casualties of this double lifespan is the sacred institution of marriage. Scientists are always out to prove that they know better than God. So their contention is that human being will not be able to spend until death do us part if that amounts to 100+ years. They go as far to say that term marriages will become popular.

Now if there's one thing I don't go in for it's this Da Vinci Code/Robert Heinlein idea that term marriages are healthy. Remember, term marriages were the final straw in convincing the English that the Irish were incapable of self rule. And to any liberals who don't know how that conflict turned out, you may have to change your definition of quagmire.

So in conclusion, living longer will only bring us disease, famine, scientific atheism, loveless marriages and unwinnable wars. Is that really a world worth living longer in?

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Editor's Note: It's Time to Stop all the Corruption

Monday, May 22, 2006

I don't usually pay attention to what's going on in the liberal media. That's what makes me a good news man. But there is something going on right now that needs to be made public. I say Jefferson should be burned at the stake.

Finally, the FBI is working for us. The FBI ran a fourteen month sting to catch Democratic Representative William Jefferson accepting a bribe of $100,000, supposedly meant for the Vice President of Nigeria. In addition the FBI found $90,000 stuffed in Jefferson's freezer. Finally, just this Saturday, the FBI raided Jefferson's Washington Office. Authorities said it was the first time they had ever had to invade a sitting Senator's office.

If he wanted to give $100,000 to the Vice President on Nigeria, there were legal channels he could have followed. He could have set up a phony charity or a PAC, like Tom Delay. There are even lobbyists with extra office space that will assist you, like they do Rick Santorum's charity. Then he could have funneled the money through that PAC or charity, while paying himself, his wife and some people he met on the train a hefty salary. If you don't use approved Washington methods to launder your money, you deserve to get caught.

And even worse is the statement of Jefferson's attorney Robert Trout, who said, "Congressman Jefferson has not been charged with any crime. ... The congressman has consistently maintained his innocence, and if he is charged he will respond at the appropriate time." This is blatant plagiarism of Tom Delay's attorney.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Chocolate Surprise

Monday, May 22, 2006

Give everyone in your office a homemade chocolate cupcake. Watch everyone eat the cupcake. At next break, go out to your car and get your one gallon can of brown paint labeled "chocolate." Take back inside and set on desk.


Da Vinci sets Global Record

Sunday, May 21, 2006

(SNN Hollywood) Sony pictures reported an estimated weekend earning of $224 million dollars worldwide. This makes "The Da Vinci Code" the second highest international movie debut ever, second only to "Revenge of the Sith".

Domestically, the film had the 13th highest opening of all time. The film had a more popular opening than "Jurassic Park" and "Austin Powers:Goldmember". This definitively proves that Jesus was married and had children, but dinosaurs and gold penises are fictional.

While most critics rightly called the movie unwatchable, some were paid to give favorable reviews. However, the Code had the kind of star power that always sells well in the box office, Vatican criticism.

Films criticized by that Vatican have traditionally done quite well. Some people believed it was the criticism itself that made the Monty Python film "The Life of Brian" so popular. Scorsese's "The Last Temptation of Christ" did reasonably well, despite the fact that it made absolutely no sense at all. And who could forget "The Passion of St. Tibulus", which drew the highest gross ever on Craggy Island.


O'Reilly Threatens Mexico

Saturday, May 20, 2006

(SNN New York) Bill O'Reilly has once again threatened to use his power to boycott an entire country. This time, he has set his scopes on Mexico.

Mexico does not sell well with the conservative proletariat as it is. Many Americans only know Mexico as the cheap drugs, tequila and hookers of spring break or the place where their factory moved. But now, there is the issue of immigration.

People have been freely crossing the United States border from Mexico since we split Mexico in half, about 150 years ago. But suddenly, it has become a horrible threat to American Democracy.

O'Reilly has more qualms with Mexico than just the fashionable immigration issue. Mexico went too far with O'Reilly and threatened a lawsuit against the United States, over the immigration issue. If there's one thing O'Reilly doesn't like, it's lawsuits, being on the losing end of them so many times. In addition, when O'Reilly stays in hotels, the latino maids refuse to be his love slaves.

One country that has suffered greatly from O'Reilly's boycott is France. Due to the O'Reilly boycott, France suffered a long and bloody revolution, lost the Napoleonic wars and was invaded by Germany, twice. The majority of the population can not even enjoy a hamburger. And immigration has gotten so out of hand that 26% of the population doesn't even speak English.

A boycott by O'Reilly would be disastrous to Mexico: over half the population would end up living in poverty, the country would have mountains of foreign debt, and the lowliest of workers would be reduced to living on $4 a day.

But things would be difficult on Americans too. A boycott on France just means going without truffles, champagne, croissants and foie gras. A boycott on Mexico would mean no more American cars, no more home appliances, dirty Wal-Marts, the closing of 80% of US restaurants and saying goodbye to the decadence of the Chalupa.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Dead Pool

Friday, May 19, 2006

"Pretend you a fish on a quest to find your tank. All day long will seem longer without oxygen."


Editor's Note: Oops, I Told You So Again.

Friday, May 19, 2006

On Wednesday, I advanced a plan by which ordinary citizens could get up to $280,000 in tax credit, simply by donating $100 to the Speaker of the House. I am proud to say that Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is 100% on board with my plan.

Last night in session, Hastert said the following, "Well, folks, if you earn $40,000 a year and have a family of two children, you don’t pay any taxes."

While sounding like crazy bullshit, that statement would be true if you followed the Maynard/Hastert $100 donation plan. Yes, if that family follows my plan and donates $100 to Hastert in exchange for a $280,000 tax credit, they would pay no taxes. Now, I know what your saying, for these tax credits to be valid, you have to start a pyramid scheme. Well, that's the great part about the Maynard/Hastert plan. I have already started a pyramid scheme. You just have to invest with me to get in on the bottom floor.

Let's face it, paying taxes is for people who don't like money. That's just unpatriotic. If you give your money to the government, your only going to get yourself useless social programs like Social Security and Medicare. It's time to be a real American and start stiffing the government.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Humans and Chimps could have Interbred

Thursday, May 18, 2006

(SNN Boston) Today, scientists released a report that may change the timeline of human evolution. The timeline suggests that human ancestors had hot monkey love with chimpanzees.

The report, based on newly available evidence estimated that the human/chimpanzee split was at least one million years later than previously estimated. In addition, they also had hot monkey love. ''Something very unusual happened," said David Reich, one of the report's authors.

The suggestion of interbreeding was met with skepticism by paleontologists, who usually don't go in for that sort of thing. But how are they going to know if they don’t like monkeys unless they try them. Not all scientists are so closed minded to the idea of monkey sex. ''I find this terrifically exciting and important work," said David Pilbeam, a Harvard paleontologist, and very, very sick man.

But some say that interspecies breeding is unnatural, especially after the President's harsh words on human-animal hybrids. They point out the new grizzly-polar bear hybrid as a dangerous freak of nature. These people are obviously closet self-loathers. We wouldn't think that these bears were so scary if we'd already interbred with the polar bear. But guys, if you go out trolling the bars looking for polar bears, remember your foreplay, this is one female you don't want to leave hanging.

The science behind this new discovery is very complex. Blah blah blah DNA blah blah blah common ancestor blah blah blah divergence times blah blah blah millions of years. Blah blah blah X chromosome blah blah blah fertility problems blah blah blah chimpanzee. Blah blah blah hybridization blah blah blah hot monkey love.


Virtual Fence will Cost a lot of Actual Money

Thursday, May 18, 2006

(SNN Washington) In order to build the virtual fence touted by the administration, defense contractors are going to have to make unprecedented sales. The administration wants to leverage the success of the high cost technologies that have completely shut down the insurgency in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The last time the government tried to build a virtual fence along the border was a great success. Contractors made $425 million, and only had to install half of the cameras.

Zepplin floating over Alien

One of the devices the Border Patrol may receive is the unmanned drones which are being used in Iraq. The department received one of the $6.8 million drones last year to patrol the Arizona border. It crashed.

There is at least one low cost alternative being considered to be part of the virtual fence. The Tethered Aerostat Radar, or balloon on a rope, costs only $1.5 million a piece and can be operated in all weather conditions, with the exception of wind. The hope is that Immigrants trying to illegally cross the border will laugh so hard at these gay little balloons that they will pass out. The devices could track people for several miles through the desert, unless someone cuts the rope, then they will float away.

In addition to the virtual fence, congress has been pushing for an actual fence, which immigrants will float over clutching to the rope of the Tethered Aerostat Radar.


Editor's Note: Support Hastert

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

I just learned an amazing piece of our nation's history. After receiving a $100,000 speaking fee for appearing at an Amway event, House Speaker Newt Gingrich arranged a last minute alteration to a tax bill that gave Amway a reported $283 million tax break. That's an amazing 283000% return. What a bargain.

I am prepared to offer the same deal to the current Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert. Now, I don't have $100,000 handy, but I do have $100. At the same exchange rate, my $100 should get me a $283,000 cut on my taxes. If this works out well, I am even willing to make the same deal with Hastert next year.

Although, it is quite possible that Gingrich gave the $283 million to Amway because of the effect of their business on the American economy. If this is indeed the case, I will also attempt to use the money I save in taxes to rip off a bunch of rubes with a cheesy pyramid scheme.

So, if Speaker Hastert, or any of his staff, are reading this, contact me. I have a C-note waiting for you.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, editor, NewsBlog 5000


Benigan's Ad Condemns Homosexual Lifestyle

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

(SNN Plano) The Bennigan's restaurant chain has drawn a line in the sand to the homosexual lifestyle in a new ad about chicken.

Things you don't want to think about

Doing a Google Image Search for "Man Burger"

The commercial starts out with the phrase, "Tell your mouth to stop being such a pansy." So to start off, Bennigan's is suggesting that things homosexuals otherwise known as "pansies", do with their mouths is wrong.

The commercial then goes on to promote boneless buffalo wings. Buffalo wings are made out of chicken, or cock. So, Bennigan's is saying that you can have your cock, but just not the kind with a bone.

Then, in case a young impressionable homosexual had any doubt that Bennigan's wanted you to put chicken in your mouth instead of the cock of your choice, the commercial finishes, "maybe it's time to cheat on your favorite dish."

This gay bashing attitude is curious for a restaurant chain that removed the Wheelhouse burger from its menu. With its patty of fried cheese the Wheelhouse was perhaps the manliest burger ever made. Perhaps Bennigan's attack on homosexuals comes from its own self-loathing.


Albinos Denounce Da Vinci Code

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

(SNN Los Angeles) While it claims to be a work of fiction when it comes to religion, "The Da Vinci Code" is not splitting snow white hairs on one issue: albinos are cold, dangerous people.

Michael McGowan, head of the National Organization for Albinism and Hypo pigmentation says "The Da Vinci Code" is just the "latest in a long string."

"The problem is there has been no balance. There are no realistic, sympathetic or heroic characters with albinism that you can find in movies or popular culture," says McGown from beneath his antiseptically cold eyebrows.

Actor Paul Bettany, says that he does not see Silas as evil, but a man damaged by his harsh upbringing. "He's an amalgamation of everything that sort of happened to him in his life. How his father treated him and the things he saw his father do to his mother." Bettany then went on to compare Albinos to monks, another group known for its bloodthirsty assassins.

However, Bettany's compassion is not enough to warm the icy heart of a passionless man like McGowan. "We understand that millions read it and when they go to the movie, they're going to want to see the albino monk-assassin," McGowan said. "It's the cumulative effect of having one evil albino character after another that was disturbing to me." If this reporter were Bettany, he'd be watching his back, expecting at any moment to experience the sudden stroke of emotionless death.


NewsBlog 5000 Quick Fact

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow plays jazz flute.

No, we're not shitting you.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Indecent in Cincinnati

Monday, May 15, 2006

Go to Cincinnati and attempt to be indecent using a tennis racket, twelve pounds of canned fruit cocktail, and a rubber balloon. Congratulations, you are in Cincinnati.


Bush’s Plan to Seal Border

Monday, May 15, 2006

(SNN Washington) Tonight, President Bush is expected to announce his plan to send National Guard troops to patrol the Southern Border. White House sources claim a permanent Guard presence along the border is not being considered.

The President’s plan is simple.

The President’s plan is simple. National Guard troops are going to stretch a giant rubber sheet across the border. Mexicans attempting to cross the border with bounce harmlessly back into Mexico. This plan has been criticized by some people who say it is really stupid.

It is hoped that this temporary measure by the President will massively diminish bad press the White House has gotten over immigration. The troops are expected to be stationed along the border until the midterm elections.

President Bush thought of the plan while wetting his bed. However, the First Lady Laura Bush has said that she refuses to believe that George was the one who wet the bed. Mrs. Bush said yesterday, “I travel around the country. I see people, I see their responses to my husband. I see their response to me. Their responses are not the kind of responses people have to bedwetters.”


Editor's Note: Die Granny Die

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I was just perusing the tattoo magazines at my local newsstand and I found something that scared the bejesus out of me. It was a little book called "Living Longer for Dummies".

Now if there's one thing I don't need its dimwitted octogenarians going 30mph in the fast lane with their blinker on, high on medical marijuana they bought with my hard earned Social Security contribution. These old age fetishists are going to screw things up for everyone.

I have nothing but contempt for these people who want to live forever. When I was a boy, real men smoked unfiltered Lucky Strikes while chugging Budweiser, or sometimes Pabst. They drove 90mph down gravel roads, with no seatbelt, and more gas in their own tank than in the car. They treated old age as a place filled with misery and degradation from which no one returned, like Sean Hannity's bedroom.

Old people are harmful to the country. It's one thing to start taking Social Security at 65 if you're going to die at 70, but today people are doing our government the disservice of living to be 80, 90, 100, and the sky seems the limit. And remember, more people on Medicare means a higher percentage of our population is participating in socialized medicine.

Let's face it. No one really wants to grow old. And no one is going to live forever, except Dick Cheney. Old people carry disease and smell funny, much like foreigners. There is only one solution to aging. So it's time for you healthy people out there to put down the carrot juice and drink a tall glass of lard. If not for me, do it for your country.


NewsBlog 5000: Cheney Countdown Clock

Saturday, May 13, 2006

It appears that the fifth Dick Cheney clone has died after just one month of operation. Below is a photo of DCV passing away quietly yesterday while the President speaks about the situation in Iraq. Hopefully, the short life span of this recent clone is not an indication that the quality of the cloned material is fading.


Editor's Note: To Be or Not To Be

Saturday, May 13, 2006

I just watched 10 minutes of "Son of the Mask", and I don't want to live anymore.

No, scratch that, I don't want anyone involved in the making of that movie to live anymore.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


SNN Poll: Americans Support Wiretapping

Saturday, May 13, 2006

(SNN Ann Arbor) A new SNN Poll shows that 90% of Americans are comfortable with domestic wiretapping.

In the most overwhelming response ever, respondents said that the were more than comfortable with wiretapping. When asked the question, "Do you fell comfortable with the domestic wiretapping programs, knowing that if you answer no the NSA could be listening to this call and may send machete wielding members of MS-13 to your home to kill your children in front of you?" Ninety percent of callers that stayed on the line said they were comfortable with the program. Five percent said that they were not all that keen on their children at the moment. The remaining five percent did not know how they felt about watching their children murdered.

Additionally, while 32 percent of the people who said they would like to see their children murdered had coffee mugs saying 'World's Greatest Mom' / 'World's Greatest Dad', only 17 percent of people who did not want their children murdered had "number one" mugs.

This data is especially surprising when considering the results of last week's poll which told us that 25% of Americans would jump off a cliff if President Bush told them to jump. A surprising 67 percent of Americans said they would not jump, and the final 8% was still up in the air.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Fruit Fly

Friday, May 12, 2006

Go to the doctor's office with a kiwi in your pocket. Pull out the kiwi and begin to peel. Turn to someone seated next to you and ask when does the plane land.


Former CIA Executive Director Investigated

Friday, May 12, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today, the FBI searched the home of Kyle "Dusty" Foggo. Foggo was the Executive Director of the CIA, the number three man in the organization.

Foggo claims he never took advantage of the prostitutes

The FBI used a warrant to search Foggo's Virginia home and is office at the CIA's Langley campus. After stepping down last week, it has been theorized that Foggo, an associate of Brent Wilkes, a lobbyist linked to Duke Cunningham. Foggo admits that he attended Wilkes poker parties in the Watergate. Foggo claims he never took advantage of the prostitutes that were freely available to high ranking administration members.

Despite the FBI's lack on confidence in Foggo, the CIA remains faithful to the former Executive Director. "If he attended occasional card games with friends over the years, Mr. Foggo insists they were that and nothing more," a CIA statement said. "Mr. Foggo maintains that government contracts for which he was responsible were properly awarded and administered," the agency said.

John Negroponte has said that there is an impeding indictment waiting for Foggy. One subject of investigation is a $3 million contract that went to Wilkes to supply 3 bottles of water and an egg salad sandwich to CIA operatives in Afghanistan and Iraq. At this point, it is unclear if the egg salad was ever delivered.

It is a shame that the FBI is persecuting this dedicated public servant who merely wanted to play cards with some friends and give them secret no-bid contracts in exchange for hookers. If this investigation continues, the American people will began to think that CIA is up to something sneaky.


Phone Call Database to Benefit Americans

Friday, May 12, 2006

(SNN Washington) An NSA program has been secretly compiling phone call records on tens of millions of Americans. The NSA got its data from telephone companies such as AT&T, Verizon, and BellSouth.

Holy Shit

An NSA program has been secretly compiling phone call records on tens of millions of Americans.

An interesting thing about the discovery of this program is that those involved in it are only willing to come forward anonymously. In addition, they will not discuss it over a phone, or in e-mail, or anywhere near a ceiling fan, toaster or radon reduction system.

We were so shocked that our phone records were being kept by the NSA and so committed to privacy that we tapped Patrick Leahy's phone. Leahy said "Are you telling me that tens of millions of Americans are involved with Al Qaeda?" while asking the rhetorical question of his mistress. We also spoke with a representative of Verizon who hung up on us after complaining that we didn't have a question about our service.

But some argue that this program is a good thing. During the fifties, McCarthyism tore the nation apart as people were taken in front of the Committee on Un-American Activities and forced to name their associates. Now, due to modern technology, this is no longer necessary. Now, without investigation, you can be quietly arrested in middle of the night. The NSA knows your friends, your friend's friends, your friend's friend's friends, your friend's friend's friend's friends, and your friend's friend's friend's friend's friends. Then it's right back to Kevin Bacon.


Putin Compliments Vice President Cheney

Thursday, May 11, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today, Vladimir Putin complimented Vice President Dick Cheney by saying that Cheney was a wolf that that "eats and listens to no one."

This was actually a three tiered compliment. The first piece is calling Dick Cheney a wolf. A wolf is "a man given to paying unwanted sexual attention to women." This is an unbelievable compliment to a Cheney, whose virility is often questioned due to his weak physical condition and marriage to a lesbian.

The Second tier of the compliment is that Cheney, "The Wolf", eats no one. It is refreshing to see that President Putin had not given into the rumors that Vice President Cheney is a cannibal. The fact is that Vice President Cheney rarely eats anyone anymore. It is now UN ambassador John Bolton that has a problem in this area. Last Week, Bolton consumed the Permanent Representative of Malta while arguing in favor of a British-French draft resolution on Iran.

Finally, President Putin says that The Wolf (or El Lobo for our Spanish speaking readers) listens to no one. With this, Putin is giving Cheney the ultimate compliment. Cheney is a man that prides himself on not listening to anyone. Despite the orders of his Doctors, the Vice President occasionally throws away his food and eats table salt.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Mercenhairy Attitude

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Men with mullets are America's last line of defense.


Editor's Note: Let the Market Decide

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Last week, I wrote about a travesty--the systematic ignoring of Stephen Colbert by the liberal media. This week, the Free Market, the ultimate arbiter of truth, has spoken.

Yes, the Free Market is the most powerful force for goodness in the world. I know when I hear about people enslaved in the Congo and nearly worked to death so that I can have a Playstation, that those people deserve a life of misery and degradation just as much as I deserve to play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

But don't think that I'm without compassion. I find the story of their plight so heartbreaking that I have to go into downtown Los Santos and gun down a street full of poor people, just to return the smile to my face.

While the liberal media went on and on about the performance of a couple of George W. Bush impersonators, I did not find them funny at all. Neither of the impersonators looked like the President. I thought their comedy routine was not only unfunny, but also very disrespectful to our leader. I don't think we're going to see either of them with their own TV show anytime soon.

But now, the Free Market has spoken. Stephen's show, aptly named "The Colbert Report" increased its audience by 37 percent after his keynote address. And CSpan has asked people to take down videos of Colbert's performance that are all over the internet because, for the first time ever, they plan to sell DVDs of the dinner.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Korea Unveils New Sexbot

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

(SNN Seoul) Korea has developed a new android capable of facial expressions. They have named the android Ever-1, combining the name of Eve from the bible with an R for ricer.

The Korean Institute for Industrial Technology (KITECH) has a long name and inconvenient acronym. KITECH designed Ever-1 to express happiness, anger, sadness and most importantly pleasure.

"The robot can serve to provide information in department stores and museums or read stories to children; it’s capable of both education and entertainment functions," said KITECH scientist Baeg Moon-hong. Baeg Moon-hong personally spent thousands of hours working on Ever-1. And because of his efforts, she has a perfect ass.

Some people say that the development of Ever-1 is just a response to Japan's recent release of a realistic android. However, the Japanese do not care about who develops an android, as long as they can have sex with it.


Editor's Note: Oh Say, can you Sing the National Anthem?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Last night on nightline, I was appalled to find out that over sixty percent of the people in the country do not know the words to the Stat Spangled Banner. What was even more shocking was that many Congressmen questioned by nightline were unable to recite the word to the pledge. And at the height of hypocrisy, the reporter interviewing those lawmakers also admitted her ignorance at what it means to be an American.

While the actual song may be made of up a gibberish poem set to an English Drinking song, knowing those words is part of being an American. And the President agrees with me on that. "I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English. And they ought to learn to sing the national anthem in English," said President Bush.

I propose that we temporarily revoke U.S. citizenship from anyone who can not sing the Anthem. It can be quickly returned once they learn the national anthem. Everyone who doesn't know the pledge will be issued with "Guest Worker Cards" until they can prove that they know the anthem and a few key facts about how our government works and American History. For instance, the question, "Explain the concept of Manifest Destiny and list three bible verses that back up this concept."

In addition, we should temporarily suspend Congress until such time as ever member knows the anthem. Of course, this will put a massive amount of power in the Executive Branch, but George W. can handle it. He knows the national anthem in English and Spanish.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


David Blaine Disappoints Crowd

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

(SNN New York) Magician David Blaine fell short of his goal of setting a World Record for holding his breath underwater. Blaine was pulled from his tank at seven minutes and eight seconds. The stunt was televised on ABC.

Blaine was attempting to set the record for holding his breath while escaping from locked chains. In the lead up to the escape, Blain had spent the entire week underwater. Towards the end of the week, he had complained of pain, and doctors were recommending that he net attempt the feat.

But either Blaine's resolve was either too strong, or the paycheck ABC was offering was to great, and Blaine refused to give up. After the 100 minute introduction to the 7 minute stunt, one thing was clear: ABC is running out of ideas for things to put on TV.

Seriously, ABC, there are tons of TV shows that have not yet been remade. How about these beauties: "Even More Good Times", "Sanford & Son", "Mostly in the Family", a spinnoff of Night Court "Bull", and "Cheers:DUI".

Despite the emaciated state of Blaine's body and his inability to move the chains, he was rescued by specially trained divers. Blaine's survival was a great disappointment to both onlookers and TV viewers alike.


NewsBlog 5000 Quick Fact

Monday, May 08, 2006

"The interesting thing about [George Washington] is that I read three -- three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?"

George W. Bush


Iranian President Insults Bush

Monday, May 08, 2006

(SNN Tehran) A letter by Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to President Bush was received at the White House. In the letter, the Iranian President says that he wants peace, but by sending the President a letter instead of an e-mail can be taken as an insult.

President Bush is incapable of checking e-mail.

Some believe that in sending a letter to the White House Ahmadinejad is saying he believes President Bush is incapable of checking e-mail. What would make this a truly blatant insult is that Ahmadinejad must know Mr. Bush has people to do that for him. It is well known that even if Mr. Bush receives a letter, he will not read it. Instead, he pawns if off on someone like the National Security Advisor.

However, maybe the letter was not sent as an insult, but rather was meant to portray the message was one of an intimate nature. Neither Iranian nor American officials would disclose the contents of the letter, which was sent to the office of the National Security Advisor for analysis. However, sources placed high within the administration have indicated that the contents where “juicy” and Ahmadinejad dotted his I’s with little hearts.

John Negroponte, Director of Intelligence, has indicated that while Bush believes Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a nice behind, a well-timed love letter is not enough to influence US policies on Iran. "Certainly one of the hypotheses you'd have to examine is whether and in what way the timing of the dispatch of that letter is connected with trying in some manner to influence the debate before the Security Council," Mr. Negroponte said.


President Bush's Greatest Accomplishment

Sunday, May 07, 2006

(SNN Berlin) U.S. President George W. Bush has often been criticized for what he has done in office. It is said that the media rarely focuses on the positive aspects of his Presidency.

Now, that has changed. A German reporter yesterday asked George Bush what his best moment in office was. "You know, I've experienced many great moments and it's hard to name the best," Bush told the reporter "I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound perch in my lake."

When asked about his worst moment in office, the President came as close as he ever has to explaining his 7 minute freeze up on Sept. 11. "In such a situation it takes a while before one understands what is happening," Bush said. "I would say that this was the hardest moment, once I had the real picture before my eyes."

Sadly for the President, he was not able to catch the 7.5 pound perch on his own. The entire fishing trip was an event carefully scripted by Carl Rove to boost the ego of the President.

Before the President got to his fishing hole, Rove and two navy seals donned wetsuits and slipped into the water. They took with them a small variety of fish including the 7.5lb perch. At intervals carefully designed to boost the President's self assurance, the fish were placed on his hook.

Rove's operation was not without danger. At one point, the advisor became tangled in the line, and was almost reeled in by the President, who would have surely had him stuffed and mounted. However, this would not have been the first time that Mr. Rove had been mounted in the White House.


Devil Babies on the Way

Saturday, May 06, 2006

(SNN New York) An article printed in last week's Sunday Times claims that some expectant mothers are planning to induce labor so that they will not have their children on 6/6/06.

According to the Times, the danger of the date was discovered by a British self help group that exchanges tips on parenting. But the dangers of babies born on 6/6/06 is well known. For instance Hitler was born on 6/6/1906. Also, Charles Darwin, who many Christians consider an anti-Christ, was born on 6/6/1806. In addition the San Fransisco Earthquake happened on 6/6/1906.

However some mothers may be looking forward to a delivery date of 6/6/06. Their enthusiasm comes from a phrase from Milton's "Paradise Lost", published in 1666, and later adopted by heavy metal fans says "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven." Coincidentally, this was a favorite saying of Gerald Ford, born 6/6/1906. However, these expectant mothers should be warned that it is a real possibility that the devil baby will rip its own way out of her womb, like in Aliens.

While not all babies born on 6/6/06 will turn out to be devil babies. However, an expectant mother should be careful if the baby was conceived during a black mass or by Jack Nicholson.


CIA DeGossed

Friday, May 05, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today, CIA Director Porter Goss's resignation was accepted by President Bush. This has confused and upset almost everyone, including the White House.

No permanent replacement has yet been named by the President. However, Time Magazine is theorizing that Gen. Michael V. Hayden may be a possible choice. Others have suggested Deputy Director of National Security Mary Margaret Graham. In addition some say that Sean Hannity may have an opportunity at the position after the appointment of former Fox News Commenter Tony Snow as Whitehouse Press Secretary.

One thing is for certain about the nominee. There will be a tough confirmation process. While some House Democrats have vowed to make the process difficult, analysts say that Democrats should choose their battles better. No matter how hard you are on the nominee, it is not going to matter once they are confirmed. No one will ever know what the new CIA Director will do once he's in office.

Goss was appointed to clean up the CIA after no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq. Goss was charged with the job of purging the CIA of all the operatives that said the weapons did not exist. According to one member of the CIA, having so many CIA agents believe there were no WMDs produced negative waves and created the universe in which we live, where those weapons can not be found. It should however be remembered that the CIA has experimented heavily with the effects of LSD.

Still speculation continues on why Goss resigned so suddenly. Some say that his departure is part of Josh Bolten's reorganization. But others are saying it has something to do with all the hookers he was banging in the Watergate Hotel.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Trivial Intent

Friday, May 05, 2006

Memorize an interesting fact. Cut out several paper question marks and hand them out to your fellow coworkers. Remember to tell the SWAT team the fact when they "take you down."


NewsBlog 5000 Quick Fact

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The wealth of Bill Gates is now estimated at $50 billion. Wednesday at an online advertising conference, Bill Gates expressed his dissatisfaction at this predicament. "There's nothing good that comes out of that," he said. Since that time, Gates has secluded himself from the hoards of people lining up outside his mansion and hoping for a chance to kick him in the nuts.

Update 1
Immediately after typing that, the NewsBlog 5000 copy of Microsoft Word crashed. Coincidence?


Maine Advertisers Attack Maine Citizen

Thursday, May 04, 2006

(SNN Bangor) A Maine blogger faces a million dollar lawsuit after criticizing the efforts of the Maine Office of Tourism to swindle unsuspecting tourists into vacationing in Maine.

Lance Dutson

"This is supposed to be our biggest industry, but it's being run like a trailer park daycare on its 3rd notice from the Human Services people."

Lance Dutson of has been critical of the Maine Office of Tourism (MOT). He has called their advertising agency Warren Kremer Paino Advertising LLC child abusers. He even went as far as to post a draft of one of their advertisements on his blog to let readers decide for themselves.

The advertising agency is accusing Dutson of copyright infringement, defamation, trade libel/injurious falsehood, terrorism and public urination. Their law firm Preti Flaherty is asking for $900,000 for posting images on his blog as well as unspecified punitive damages and legal fees.

Fun things to do in Maine





While some say that this is a clear freedom of speech case, other say they are overlooking the vast amounts of money that what the case is really about is the ability of a company to use lawyers to intimidate and potentially ruin someone who dares point out that their work is utter crap.

Still it remains disconcerting that not only would people go to Maine to vacation, but some people consider it Maine's biggest industry. Come on, they have to do something else there, right? Seriously. Sure, there's fresh seafood, but isn't there anywhere to camp or hike or boat in your own state?


FEMA Protects New Orleans

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

(SNN* Baton Rouge) FEMA has announced that it is closing its long term planning office in New Orleans. While many have criticized the move, emergency management analysts have praised the plan.

On April 27th, President Bush said that "One of the things that we're working on is to make sure that we've learned the lessons from Katrina -- we've learned lessons at the federal level and state level and the local level. And we're now working closely together in preparation of the upcoming hurricane season."

Some say FEMA should stay to do the job they have promised to do. Apparantly, they think FEMA is supposed to be rebuilding neighborhoods, schools and homes.

However, senior emergency management analysts say FEMA is doing the best thing it can possibly do for New Orleans. It is fleeing before the hurricanes get there. They say that if FEMA is unable to fix New Orleans with an army of illegal laborers when it is not even raining, when New Orleans gets hit again, FEMA is never going to be able to save it.

If there is no FEMA in New Orleans, we will have saved the lives of valuable federal employees. And those federal employees can then round up the remaining "freedom refugees" and herd them into state run reeducation centers, where they will be made into a clean burning renewable fuel source.

*Additional material was contributed by a man only known as "Wisco"


Editor's Note: Harvard Sophomore again in Plagiarism Chair

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Harvard Sophomore Kaavya Viswanathan is under the scrutiny of the Press again for plagiarism. She is now being accused of copying passages from "Can You Keep a Secret?" a chick-lit novel by Sophie Kinsella.

Michelle Wei-previously mentioned hot Asian girl.

Now I think that the liberal media should lay off of Miss Viswanathan. My regular readers will remember I am a big fan of teenage Asian girls. But my readers will also ask, "Aren't you more interested in the Woody Allen type Asian girls? Well, I find Miss Viswanathan intriguing because she has something that not all young Asian girls have, a $500,000 advance.

But back to the issue of plagiarism, every word has already been written. Even my personal hero, Stephen Colbert was involved in a scandal for the use of the word "truthiness", a word he obviously coined.

Kaavya Viswanathan-hot enough barely legal Asian teen.

The simple fact is that every word written in the editorial has been written in a book somewhere, except for this one: Qwase. That because I just invented it. But let's face it we can't go inventing words because qwase fantis noneln npuk. You didn't understand that last bit, did you? Well that's because it's gibberish.

Also, it should be admitted that you can only tell the story of a young girl coming of age so many ways. In fact, the last original piece written on the topic was probably written by Jane Austin. Now, I don't know that for sure, because I don't read that kind of thing, but I'm pretty sure Jane Austin wrote it, and it was a long time ago. I think she wrote the movie "Clueless".

In Summary, leave Kaavya Viswanathan alone. She's reasonably hot. She's barely legal. She's Asian. And she's not using any words that haven't been used before. Unless she uses the word Qwase. Then I'm suing the bitch.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Bush Meets about Iraq

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, President Bush had a surprise meeting with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. The three discussed how well things were going in Iraq.

The new Iraqi government was "more determined than ever to succeed."

The meeting was a surprise for the President who said, "Were we going to meet this morning?" and "I haven't even had my coffee yet. Do you think I could get some coffee?" After Secretary Rice got the President a coffee (two sugars) and the President finished his game of Tetris the meeting started.

The secretaries briefed the president on their trip to Iraq and said the new Iraqi government was "more determined than ever to succeed." This is, of course, contrary to previous governments who where (A) out to make a buck and (B) out to promote ethnic cleansing. However, the Secretaries were not positive on all notes. Sec. Rumsfeld did admit that Iraq was still having "a bit of a tough time".

President Bush later said that the secretaries brought back "interesting impressions from the three new leaders," Bush said. "They said they were optimistic people, that they're full of energy and they're very eager to succeed." Bush described the Iraqi leaders "are dedicated to a unified Iraq" and to a government that represents all Iraqis.

This statement by Bush is reminiscent of a time when he was more optimistic and eager to succeed. Just three years ago he stood on the flight deck of the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln beneath a banner saying, "Mission Accomplished," and proclaimed, "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." This was also the photo op that gave President Bush the unfortunate nickname Chimpy McFlightsuit*. Don't blame me--I would have had him wear one of those Power Rangers outfits. If I know one thing, it's awfully hard to make fun of someone dressed as a power ranger.

*Not my idea, Google it. 18,100 for chimpy mcflightsuit. (0.41 seconds)


Editor's Note: The Colbert Ignore

Monday, May 01, 2006

The liberal press has once again chosen to ignore the work of Stephen Colbert, perhaps the greatest American there is after Dick Cheney.

Colbert spoke last night at the White House Correspondent Dinner. Colbert, a great patriot was so reverent and supportive of the president that that liberal media has ignored his entire speech. Stephen said he identified closely with the President. "We're not so different, he and I. We get it." Colbert even went as far as to compare the President to Rocky.

I'm not ashamed to admit it. I am a Colbert fan. His straight talk and honest opinions resonate deep in my gut. He is not only right, but his show is full of useful facts. For instance, did you know that Panama Canal was built in 1941?

So keep it up you brilliant Mega-American.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000