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The finger on the invisible hand

Congress Subpoenas White House

Saturday, June 30, 2007

(SNN Washington) Democrats took the first steps Friday in what may end as a Constitutional showdown. In a letter to White House counsel Fred Fielding the Judicial Committees of the House and Senate have demanded an explanation on why the White House claimed Executive Privilege on subpoenaed documents.

The White House countered the request for actual information with an offer of private, off-the-record interviews. This would allow White House officials to sidestep potentially embarrassing topics and instead talk about things less damaging to the administration, like the weather and the importance of clearing every last piece of brush from a ranch.

This action is considered a courageous move by Democrats. The Vice President has often stated that anyone questioning the methods of the White House is allied with terrorists. He also condones the secret arrest and imprisonment of terrorist allies in foreign prisons. It is unlikely that John Conyers will find enough time to harass Bush and Cheney when he is being tortured in a third world prison.


Editor’s Note: John Edwards hates reading

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Presidential candidate John Edwards appeared on "Hardball" Host Chris Matthews asked if Edwards thought people should buy Coulter's books, he offered a curt "No."

This is typical of the liberal anti-educational agenda. Liberals like Edwards do not appreciate educated women like Ann Coulter exercising their constitutional right to free speech.

Some people argue that everything that Ann says is absolute crap. While that is technically accurate, in a democracy, everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, whether or not their facts are factual or their opinions are anything other than batshit crazy is merely a technical detail.

In support of freedom of speech, I would suggest that the entire media ignore Edwards and the rest of us should burn his books.


Editor’s Note: A Message for Paris’s Pirate

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Arrgh Matey.

Remember that moment with the press the other day. You made your statement to Paris’s mother and she gave you that “What the fuck?” look and walked away. There is really no doubt that Paris will act in the same way if she ever sees you.

Let’s face the facts; if the army of lawyers employed by Paris’s family cannot get her out of that jail, faux-brigand foppery will not likely help the cause.

What you are doing is understandable. You didn’t get that part in Pirates of the Caribbean, and you could use the exposure. You’ve always wanted to bang a celebrity, and Paris seems an easy alternative. You’re seriously mentally ill and want to share.

What you have to understand is that even if you could get her released early, Paris would not take the time to glance in your direction, let alone shore up your foremast.

And Matey, if you persist in the plan, I recommend you dress your boom box as a parrot.


5000 Salutes: Radar Magazine Online

Thursday, June 21, 2007

In an article about Jerry Seinfeld, the Radar Online included what may be the best caption ever.


Exclusive Report - Street Overcome by Violence

Monday, June 18, 2007

Correspondent Eddie Grant Reporting


Several Pieces of Shit found in Senate

Saturday, June 16, 2007

(SNN Washington) According to a Capitol Hill newspaper, police are unable to determine how "several large piles of actual, non-metaphorical 'No. 2' found their way into the Capitol."

On Wednesday, Capitol Police cordoned off the hallway of the third floor of the Senate side of the Capitol building. Even United States Senators were unable to avoid at least three large piles of adult human feces. It was also rumored that various seats in the gallery were defecationally challenged as well.

Originally, authorities believed that the perpetrator acted alone. However, the amount of material found has caused some conspiracy theorists to speculate that there may have been a second shitter. Also, due to the speed of the attack, some believe that the actual emission may have happened in a different area, such as a nearby grassy knoll.

It is not know if the action was politically motivated.

As a result of this assault on our nation's government, all visitors to federal building will now be rectally searched so authorities can determine if they are carrying feces.

Hat tip to Hill for drawing attention to this important story.


FBI has a lot of work to do

Thursday, June 14, 2007

(SNN Washington) Big Daddy Kane once said “Pimpin ain’t easy”, Kane should try working for the FBI.

The terror watch list compiled by the FBI has grown to 500,000 names, or about the population of Wyoming. To watch these 500,000 possible terrorists, the FBI has 12,000 agents, 33 of which have “a limited proficiency in Arabic.”

The FBI is working on the problem. During fiscal 2005, 1600 agents took language classes. After the classes nearly 120 agents completed the agency’s Arabic proficiency test, although many of them scored a zero.

The problem is simple, any potential FBI agent who speaks Arabic, Urdu or Farsi is more than likely on the terror watch list. However, FBI officials claim that the knowledge of Arabic is not critical in the International Terrorism Operations Sections.

One source inside the FBI says that the language barrier is a problem of perception. “Learning languages is all about fads in the FBI. Polish is the popular language right now, so all you hear around the office is “Pragnę Cię” and “Jestem zamężna.” “Many agents even waste their time learning Spanish. Who speaks Spanish in the United States? Jestem w ciąży.”


Huckabee Hearts Guantanamo

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

(SNN Peckerwood Lake) On CNN’s Late Edition, former Arkansas claimed that the treatment of Guantanamo prisoners was enviable.

When asked about former Sec. of State Colin Powell’s statement about closing Guantanamo, Huckabee said, ““most of our prisoners would love to be in a facility more like Guantanamo and less like the state prisons that people are in in the United States.”

When Blitzer pushed Huckabee, claiming that “detainees are being held, by and large, without charges, without any evidence,” Huckabee pointed out that the same thing could be said about the Texas state prison system. Huckabee then said, “if we let somebody out” they might “come and fly an airliner into one of our skyscrapers.” At this point in the interview, it is unclear whether the former governor was discussing Guantanamo detainees or Texans.

Huckabees concluded by saying “Booga booga, unless you support the President the bad men in your closet are going to get you.”


Bush greeting cock-up

Sunday, June 10, 2007

(SNN SMOM) US President George W Bush drew gasps at the Vatican on Saturday by referring to Pope Benedict XVI as "sir" instead of the expected "His Holiness", pool reporters said.

They could clearly hear the US leader say "Yes, sir" when the pope asked him if he was going to meet with officials of the lay Catholic Sant'Egidio community at the US embassy later during his visit.

A handful of pool reporters were on hand as Benedict greeted Bush at the door of his private library ahead of a private audience of about half an hour. During that half hour, the President referred to Pope Benedict XVI as “Sport”, “Padre”, “Fritz”, “Buddy”, and “Mr. Popey Pants”.


Pope attacks Pope

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

(SNN Rome) A German man jumped a security barrier and grabbed Pope Benedict XVI’s popemobile before being swarmed by security guards Wednesday. The man was identified as a 27-year-old German who showed signs of “mental imbalance”, but the truth is stranger than that.

In 1944, things were not going well for Nazi Germany. Hitler commissioned his scientists to build a machine to send him into an alternate universe, one were he was winning the war. He planned to kill his counterpart and establish a one world Reich. The scientists, under the threat of death if they failed to produce results, managed to build a machine that could bridge the dimensional gap, but needed a human subject to test their device on. A soldier by the name of Joseph Ratzinger, recently removed from the infantry due to sickness was unwittingly recruited for the job.

While the Nazi machine was able to breach the dimensional gap, it became unstable when subjected to human DNA. Rather than send Ratzinger into an alternate dimension, it brought an alternate Ratzinger to ours. The alternate Ratzinger hops back and forth through time, never knowing when or where he will end up. His only hope is to somehow rejoin his self from this universe, who does not know of the Nazi experiment or his existence, so that they can jointly unleash the divine power of the Vatican and find his way home.


Bush Lowers Fees

Monday, June 04, 2007

(SNN Washington) Last week, President Bush allowed his picture to be taken for a mere $5000 donation, down from $25,000 during the 2004 campaign season.

Perhaps the new lower prices are just meant to show that Bush is indeed a man of the people, such a regular guy that he would shake your hand for a mere $5000. Some say these new lower prices could be the result of the free market. President Bush’s popularity has fallen to around 25%. It is hoped that new lower prices might increase the President’s popularity.

This price reduction is especially staggering considering that in June 2006, First Lady Laura Bush received $10,000 per photograph.

The price for a photo op with Dick Cheney remains unchanged at 1 rare steak, salted.



Sunday, June 03, 2007


Fifty years in Iraq

Friday, June 01, 2007

(SNN Washington) White House Spokesman Tony Snow said President Bush would like to see a fifty-year troop presence in Iraq, similar to the role of the United States military in North Korea.

The United States has had thousands of U.S. troops in South Korea to provide stability, guard against North Korean invasion and bang hot Asian chicks for fifty years. These troops have been so successful that Seoul is now the second largest metropolitan area in the world. Also due to the work of these dedicated American soldiers, Korea is ten years ahead of the United States technologically, people are generally happier and a national weather control system prevents rain during outdoor weddings. Despite this, Koreans consume over 1.5 metric tons of Kimchi per year.

"The Korean model is one in which the United States provides a security presence, but you've had the development of a successful democracy in South Korea over a period of years, and, therefore, the United States is there as a force of stability," Snow told reporters.

Many analysts say that President Bush is correct. As long as there are US troops in Iraq, it if very unlikely that the North Koreans will push a large military force across Iraqi borders.